Hey guys, I'm sorry about the kinda late update, I wanted to post it sooner but I was really really sick almost all week and all I did was go to school and be really sick and sleep but I'm feelin better now so here we go guys new chapter!
As I woke up and sat up quickly like I normally do, a pain went through my head like a rocket causing me to lay back down quickly. I held my hand to my head, thinking that it would help the pain but of course it didn't. Then I felt my stomach twist and turn as my mouth went dry. I jumped out of my bed and ran to the bathroom, kneeling in front of the toilet just in time for last night's selections to shoot into my toilet bowl. When my stomach felt like it was emptied from everything that's ever been in it, I put the seat of the toilet down and sat on it, leaning back onto the wall.
I looked down and saw that I was still in my clothes from last night. They were wrinkled and twisted from my sleep but nonetheless still those same clothes. I pushed myself to stand up and leaned down on the sink, feeling drained of all energy that I had ever had. When I put my head back up, I found myself looking in the mirror and I shook my head at myself, pushing my hair back out of my face as I did. My mascara was smudged all over my eyes and probably all over my pillowcase and my lipstick was smudged too.
I stared at myself in the mirror for a little bit, trying to find that person who was in the mirror. That girl wasn't me, but maybe it was. Behind the smudged makeup and the overnight attire, I was still there. But I was there with a horrible hangover headache. I opened the cabinet and pulled out the painkiller bottle, took two out and swallowed them with some water from the sink. As everything felt foggy and drowsy to me, I realized I needed something to wake me up. So I got in the shower and instead of thinking about my presidential speech or any other things I normally never think of except in the shower, I just stood there, letting the hot water and fresh citrus scented wash wake me up and wash everything from last night that I could off of me even though I only remembered a blurred picture of it.
When I was finished, I put on normal sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt and put my hair in a bun, a very wet bun I'll add, because I would not be stepping one foot out of my house today so appearance wasn't a priority.
I walked down the stairs to get something to eat but stopped when I saw a figure laying on the couch, facing the back of the couch so their back was facing me. I knew it wasn't my brother because the figure was slightly too tall and my brother wouldn't be home until later today. The part of me that watched too many Criminal Minds marathons wanted to slowly run back up the steps, grab anything sharp, long and made of metal and beat the intruder with it. But before I could let that part of me get a chance to make an appearance, I looked closer at the figure. Then I noticed the shaggy brown hair, that belonged to only one person I knew.
"Cam?" I said, loud enough for him to wake up.
He turned around, rubbing his eyes and sitting up to face me, his voice was groggy and he had a slightly deep morning voice, well deeper than his normal tone, "Hey Summer, you look refreshingly different."
"Thanks, just getting prepared for New York Fashion Week," I joked, then went back to the topic at hand, "So uh, not to be rude or anything but why are you on my couch?"
Cam's eyebrows went up then went back down as he smirked as if he knew that question was coming, "Of course, you don't remember anything from last night, do you?"
I couldn't give a confident response so I just settled for, "How about I make you a delicious bowl of Apple Jacks and you piece together the things I forgot about last night?"
As Cam chowed down on a bowl of apple and cinnamon deliciousness, he gave me a recap of my night. Some things I knew, but some things were blurred and foggy and that's where his recap helped. He went on about how I came to the party and once I got alcohol, that was the end of any sanity of mine. And now we know it was also the end of most memory. He saw me a couple of times with Luke, who at the moment I had no clue who he was, but I could piece together what we were doing. Then he continued with the next and last time he saw me, I was with Drew, who had probably saved me from doing something I'd regret today even more than last night as a whole.
When Cam had finished filling in the blanks of my night, he asked "So I'm guessing you won't be heading to any parties anytime soon again?"
I tried to find a sense of regret within myself but for some reason, I didn't feel anything. I mean, I wasn't proud of myself, it wasn't a grand night but I wasn't disappointed or mad at myself. Last night was the first night that I hadn't thought of Eli or let my mind fill itself up with the thoughts of loneliness that it normally did when I laid in my bed alone. It wasn't the best or the most admirable way to distract myself but nonetheless, I did distract myself and I didn't feel alone. If I had to go to parties to that, that's what I had to do.
"Maybe I will."
Cam looked at me like I had just said the most stupidest thing he'd ever heard, which could have possibly been true, "You will? I'm sorry I'm just a little confused, you know, since I just had to tell you your whole night because you were too drunk to remember and you almost could've had sex with someone who you don't even know and you probably wouldn't have remembered. But you'd totally do it again?"
When he put it that way, it did make me reevaluate and think about my decisions. I could've made of one the biggest mistakes of my life last night. I could've lost my virginity to someone I couldn't even picture in my head right now and from the memories and recap of last night, didn't seem like the kind of person I'd want to really be with. And not being in control of my memory was pretty scary and unsettling. Going through a whole night and having almost everything seem blurry and shaken up wasn't the greatest way to wake up in the morning. Plus, the headache I woke up with was one of the worst of my lifetimes.
"I think you're right." I said, going over everything in my mind.
"I am right," Cam said with a smirk, "As I always am."
"Don't get too cocky. This is a rare occurrence and will stay rare."
"That's okay, I know when I'm right and that's all that matters," He paused as he thought of something, "Speaking of me being right, even know this doesn't really have anything to do with me being right, don't you have that paper to write?"
"Shit," I sighed, realizing that with forgetting everything from last night I also forgot that instead of that party, I was supposed to be writing an essay. As I started to panic, I realized that this did end up working out pretty well, with Cam being here. As I smirked, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
"Why are you smirking? You're supposed to be panicking. By not freaking out, you're freaking me out."
"No panic here, especially since I have an awesome best friend that will totally help me with this essay."
"Oh no," Cam said, shaking his head, "No, you're not going to flatter me into helping you write this essay when I told you not to go to the party and to finish it but you didn't listen to me."
"But I listened to you now and I'm not going to anymore parties." I said, making a pouty face with big eyes that I knew wouldn't work for the cuteness factor but would work for the guilt or the fact that the only way to respond to that would be to say yes.
"Fine!" Cam exclaimed, giving up but with anger of defeat then added, "But I'm only helping you. I'm not writing or typing it or anything, just help."
"That's all I need, now let's go!" I said, grabbing his hand and pulling him upstairs to my room.
"First you need to brainstorm about what you want to write." Cam said, laying down on my bed, flipping through the songs on my iPod that was plugged into my speakers, trying to find a song that would 'distract the mind from the block'.
"I know my fears, I just don't want to write in depth about them." I sighed.
"That's the point of this essay, it's to make you write about something you don't want to focus on. That's the real stuff, that's the stuff that makes good writing."
"It's not just that it's-"
Cam cut me off, "If you say it's Eli, I will try my hardest not to shake sense into you but I can't promise that I won't."
I shrugged in response, which caused Cam to sit up rapidly with a stern and kind of annoyed expression on his face. He moved to the edge of the bed so that whatever he said would have more effect if he was closer.
"Look, I know this is your first breakup and it's really difficult for you and you're not over it yet, I get it. But you can't let him control the things you do. It's like you're going through your life but stopping along the way to ask if Eli would approve of it or if it'll get your mind off Eli when you need to do things for you. You can't stop yourself from writing this paper because Eli's going to read it. This paper could be all about how much of an asshole Eli is and he could read it, but as long as it was an amazing paper and you got an A, who cares what he thinks? You shouldn't because once again, he's an asshole and you'd have an A."
When Cam put it like that, things seemed to be much clearer. I didn't have writers block, I had Eli's block. Which wasn't necessarily a thing but it's easier to put titles on things for them to make more sense. Once I realized that I was, without knowing, writing this paper for Eli's approval, when his approval was worth nothing towards this paper, everything seemed to go smoother. The blinking line started to move forward with incredible words following behind it. Now, writing about my fears still wasn't the most happiest or easiest to do. It was difficult and doing it made me even more scared for the future but nonetheless, I knew that by confronting and writing about my fear with full attention and detail would make my near future a little brighter when I got a great grade on this paper.
After a few hours of typing and breaks of just talking because writing straight for hours isn't the best for your mental health. You begin rambling and repeating things without knowing because you keep seeing the same words and everything smears all over the screen in confusion. But finally, when the sun was just starting to go down and my clock had hit 5 o'clock, I typed the final word and backed away from my computer with confidence.
"Finally!" I exclaimed, tapping Cam, who was on his way to falling asleep, with anticipation. He quickly woke up, kind of delirious and confused about my high level of excitement but once I informed him of the reason for it, he got up and sat down in my chair to read.
I paced back and forth behind him waiting for him to be finished reading. Eventually, I just sat down on the edge of my bed behind him to wait. After what had seemed like forever, he spun around slowly and looked at me without saying anything.
"Well?" I said.
He smiled before talking, "I think it's pretty great. I mean, I'm no Ms. Dawes so I don't know what she looks for but I think it's really good. You tell about your fears in a way that I can understand why you're afraid of it. You don't ramble on about the same things, it's not repetitive or boring, I think it's good. See? Once you forget about pleasing people, or in your case a person, you get an amazing essay."
"Great!" I responded, finally proud of an essay and confident that I would do well. The feeling you get when you're confident in something is almost inscribable.
"But there is one thing you're missing." Cam said.
I could almost see my confidence skyrocket down as I heard that, "What?"
"A title."
I sighed a heavy sigh of relief as I pushed Cam out of my seat in response to him playing a game with my emotions. I sat down and looked at my paper, thinking and thinking of a great title that would summarize this whole paper. Finally, it came to me and I typed, "The Fear of Being Surrounded but Alone"
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