Document 1278803-4576b

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Entry 30 –

Well. The only good thing I have to say about that interaction is that I now have a flight ring. When I asked Imra for my flight ring she claimed it had slipped her mind, but there was a slight hesitation in her tone, a tension that isn't normally there. I didn't wish to press for further information, but having received the ring I made ready to leave when she spoke up, halting my progress.

"Querl," she said softly, "Are you all right?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I've been, well, hearing things," Imra said slowly, but did not go into further detail.

"What sort of things?" I pressed, unsure of how to answer to ambiguous 'things' that Imra had heard from unnamed sources.

"Oh, nothing concrete," Imra said, trying to sound reassuring and utterly failing. "People are concerned because…well, you're never around."

"Pardon?"

"Several Legionnaires have come to me, concerned, because you've locked yourself in your lab, alone, isolating yourself from everyone. And you behaved aggressively in training today, or so I was told… I think people are just concerned."

"Concerned about what?" I stressed, although I could see the pattern falling together as clearly as she.

"I guess…some people are concerned about your…stability. As a biological being. As you well know, the original Brainiac-"

"Vril Dox," I interrupted her, knowing what she was going to say. "Rebel. Resisted the end of the age of biology to his last breath. Genetic near-double of Vril Dox II, the one who endowed the Brainiac monicker with inescapable infamy. The monster who stained the Brainiac legacy with the blood of millions of innocents." I looked her in the eye, fighting to keep my voice calm. "You are referring to Vril Dox." the phrase not Vril Dox II went unsaid, but was implied.

"Yes," Imra said slowly, "It's known that he…that all the Brainiacs, really, were –are- well…"

"Less than stable, mentally?" I said, getting the issue out on the table once and for all. I'd felt some tension simmering beneath the surface of any interactions with fellow legionnaires. I was glad I could finally put a name to that tension. Fear of mental illness. Fear of me. The thought is sickening. I never want to be feared. Not now, not ever again.

"That's, well…" Imra trailed off helplessly, knowing she wasn't going to make the conversation any easier by sugar-coating the issue. She extended a hand slowly. "If I could touch your mind, I could reassure them-"

"You couldn't tell when I was going crazy the first time. You've never been able to understand this," I said, pointing to my head. "It's too big and too complicated. It's hard enough for me to handle everything in here, and I've had my whole life to get used to it."

Imra's face twisted slightly, somewhere between frustration and resignation. "I know that, and you know that," she said slowly, "but…they don't. And people are…worried. About you."

"Worried about their safety when they're living in close proximity with me, you mean," I said, a bitter edge to my tone.

"Querl, you know it's not like that," Imra said chidingly.

"Yes, it is, and you know it," I countered. "They treat me like a weaponized device engaged in a countdown to an instance of catastrophic destruction that can neither be escaped nor contained," I snapped. "I am not crazy. I am also not sane. I am, at all times, hovering somewhere between the two extremes and I have walked that line my entire life." I narrowed my eyes at her. "I haven't always been at my best, and giving the Brainiac file access to my mainframe was the biggest mistake I ever made. But I've learned from that. I'm trying to be better." I clenched my fists. "It's hard to be better when everyone is expecting the worst."

Imra's face paled, as though I had attempted to strike her though I assure you I had done no such thing. "Querl," she said softly, "I didn't know you felt that way." She glanced down, then back up at me, eyes wide with empathy. "I know I haven't been especially available lately, but if you ever need to talk, or someone to listen, please know that I am here. And I do care. And," she added firmly, "I am certain about your dedication to the Legion and I know that with time, the others will come to trust you as well." She sighed. "I'm sorry I haven't been better about assuring you of my trust from the beginning."

"I haven't exactly been the easiest person to find, either," I said, willing to admit that at least some of the fault lay with me.

"That's no excuse," she said, "I could just ask COMPUTO where you are."

I nodded in acquiescence to her point, but wanted to give her a way out. "You have many responsibilities," I said.

"Taking care of this team is my number one priority, Querl. You know that."

"Taking care of this team," I repeated slowly, "May not be in my best interest. I am prepared for unwelcome solutions." My throat clenched, my voice quavered.

Imra shook her head. "Querl, we know you have nowhere else to go. We wouldn't just abandon you."

Wouldn't you? I wondered. You've replaced me with my evil ancestor at the drop of a hat. How can I trust you, any of you, if you can't even see me for who I really am… or who I am not? I said nothing, nodding slightly.

Imra looked concerned at my lack of response, but an incoming communication chime startled her from whatever she'd been considering. "I'm sorry Querl, I have to take this. Is everything else all right? Did you need anything more?"

I slipped the Legion ring on my finger. "When do I take the oath?"

Imra hesitated for a moment too long. "Soon," she said vaguely.

I wish I could believe her.

A/N: Next month my foot. Sorry guys, I have been very terrible at updating my work. I haven't written anything in months, and this chapter was half-finished so I sort of wrapped up this scene and let it be. I do have tons of plans for this story, but I have no idea if I'll ever get it all on paper. I'm not giving up on it just yet though, so stay tuned for more! (maybe next year I'll get a new chapter up . )