Document 1278803-4576b

-keypad initiated-

Entry 31 –

Brainiac has been called away on a mission, and I am expected to assist Lyle in the lab in his absence. The idea of "covering" for someone, the implication that I am not doing enough on my own is galling to me. Not to mention I am extremely distressed that Brainiac is out there with my teammates while I remain here, occasionally training (I have attempted to refrain from 'aggressive behavior' in these exercises, but as I am unsure what 'aggressive behavior' looks like it is difficult, particularly since I must fire weapons and utilize my AMESS to its full potential.) I feel as though each daily interaction is a sort of tightrope walk, wherein I must please everyone and yet simultaneously go unnoticed.

I have realized that my very presence makes people feel uncomfortable. They don't know how to talk to me, how to respond to me, what to say, how to behave in my presence. Instead of finding solace and comfort in the only place I've ever considered home, I now feel like an unwanted guest who has overstayed his welcome.

Even in my labs, my labs, I feel like an intruder, constantly walking on eggshells. Shrinking Violet and her away team remained distant, and Brainiac, from what I understood, had been called in to join them. Remaining in the labs, Lyle and I found ourselves working in close proximity, and somehow this bred a tension, or an attitude of resentment between himself and I.

I do not know why, but even as I sit here typing, I occasionally receive disgruntled glances from Lyle as he works. Does he think I am wasting time? That I am not putting in enough effort? Perhaps if Brainiac were here he would be more satisfied. Brainiac does not require sleep, nor sustenance. Brainiac does not get moody. Brainiac is an android. I am a biological organism with all of the unpredictability that such a physiological form entails. I am still trying to discern many things about myself, and can hardly blame Lyle for his irritation that I do not meet the standards typically expected of a Dox. I can think of a particular interaction immediately, an exchange we had earlier this afternoon which, if I am honest, has likely sparked my need to write.

"Querl, you still working on that third step?" Lyle asked absently, goggles on as he worked on a small piece of machinery, doing his best to fine-tune it as Shrinking Violet was not available to assist with the detail work.

"For the moment," I answered shortly, "I should complete it within the hour."

"Within the hour?" Lyle sounded incredulous. "What, did you actually sleep last night or something?"

"Yes, actually, I have recently become aware that sleep deprivation causes me to suffer splitting headaches as well as gastrointestinal discomfort. Thus I have been attempting to maintain a regular sleep cycle in order to preserve mental and physical health," I replied, unsure why he might be asking. Was he being sarcastic? It was difficult to tell, so I felt that answering honestly and without guile was the best method. In any case I'd only slept for a fitful three hours, despite having lain in bed for easily seven hours. Admittedly three hours of sleep wasn't much, but was enough to prevent the worst of the headaches. I could easily acquire pain medication that would mute the buzzing pain behind my eyes that was already starting to disrupt my concentration.

Lyle snorted. "Of course you had time to sleep," he muttered to himself. "So you'll be ready to begin step four in an hour?"

"Perhaps, though I was considering acquiring some food," I answered, using a microtool to work at a filament that was not configured properly. "Matter-Eater Lad is preparing Phlobonean shellfish stew for lunch, and I've heard it's one of his specialties."

"So after lunch then," Lyle said.

"If that would be acceptable to you," I answered.

"Yeah sure I'll just work through lunch," Lyle grumbled.

"Why?" I asked. "Are you not ready for the fourth stage?"

"No, not that you seem too worried about it," Lyle replied sullenly.

"Would you like some assistance?" I asked. "It's no bother."

"No, I would not like assistance," Lyle said irritably, "I'll finish it over lunch."

"Would you like me to bring you some stew?" I asked.

"I won't have time to eat once we start step four."

"We can take a break, you know," I told him. "This project is not on a strict schedule."

"Yeah, I know, Querl. Just… leave it," Lyle said tiredly. "We'll start step four after lunch."

I did as he said, and left it. However, we are in the process of completing step four, and despite my best attempts at starting friendly conversation (which admittedly are rather weak as I am not good at small talk), Lyle has remained sullen and mostly silent. I had been hoping with Braniac gone and myself being recruited back to the main lab Lyle and I might be able to get to know each other better. Apparently that had been a misguided, idealistic notion. How is it possible to be human and still understand so little of human emotions and tendencies?

I miss my friends – Thaal and Arno, and also the heroes I used to call friends. Few can even bring themselves to look me in the eye. I am surrounded by people, and yet I feel so lonely. I don't know if I can keep doing this. I believe I will attempt to communicate with Thaal and Arno tonight. I have no idea if they still remain in New Metropolis or not, but I believe seeing their faces and hearing their voices would do me good. In the meantime, I will continue attempting to create a good working relationship with Lyle, and do my best to improve the atmosphere in the Lab. I do not wish to feel uncomfortable here, as the Lab is one of the few places I can feel at home. It is so frustrating, the realization that I no longer feel comfortable in Legion HQ. Feeling out of place in spaces that I used to inhabit without inhibition is a most disconcerting sensation of which I would like to rid myself with alacrity.

In the meantime, I will do my best to keep up with Lyle's demanding laboratory schedule. Perhaps I will skip dinner in order to complete step four by tonight. It's too bad; I heard Timberwolf was baking chocolate chip cookies for dessert.

A/N: GASP! What's this? Could it be... an update? It is!

I only have one other chapter pre-written after this, so let's hope I'm able to keep up with myself and writing... I hope to do some more writing soon, but I have other writing projects I'm also working on... but I really do want to finish this fic. (it's just so longggggg)

Thanks for all the support and continued reading! I hope to keep it interesting and involved. Feedback is always appreciated, and thanks for sticking around for the long haul!