Chapter 14: Isle of Berk

In which Merida punches Snotlout.

It wasn't a soft landing. It fact it made a diamond look like a piece of cotton wool. Jack pulled himself up to his feet and looked around. They seemed to have arrived in a massive cove in the middle of a pine forest. In the middle of the cove was a large pool and sitting on the edge of said pool was...

'TOOTHLESS!' Hiccup cried in delight, running forward and embracing his dragon tightly. His expression then became angry. 'Bad dragon, very bad dragon,' Hiccup snapped, 'What happened to you? You almost gave me a heart attack.' Toothless looked very guilty and upset and Hiccup's expression softened. 'Oh, I'm sorry Toothless,' Hiccup said, hugging his dragon again, 'It's just I love you so much. You're my best ever friend.' Toothless brightened up and then licked his master. 'Ew,' Rapunzel said. 'That kid needs professional help,' Jack whispered to the girls behind his hand, who both nodded in agreement.

'Where are we now?' Merida asked. Hiccup (whose attention up 'til now had been devoted to his dragon) took a look at his surroundings. 'We're on Berk.' 'Where?' the other three asked at the same time. 'It's my home,' Hiccup said while Toothless nuzzled up to his master. Merida looked around the cove. 'Yeh live 'ere?' 'Not in the cove,' Hiccup said, 'But my village is nearby.' Hiccup pointed through the trees. 'Well,' Rapunzel hesitated, 'It would be nice to meet your friends and family.' ''suppose,' Jack said. Everyone looked at Merida. She looked like her innards were battling with her loathing for Vikings and her longing for a bed.

'All right,' she said.

The trip through the forest was really quite uneventful. Once they got to the village however... 'Oh my,' Rapunzel said. The sight of massive, bulky Vikings with more fingers than teeth would be intimidating enough for anyone. Rapunzel pulled her hair a little closer around her. 'Mornin' Hiccup,' said a particularly intimidating looking Viking walking past them. 'Morning Spitelout,' Hiccup said in response. Rapunzel stared at Spitelout who stared back at her clothes. Rapunzel's pace quickened. A massive woman strode across their path. She was big and beefy, she even had a moustache or at least a bristle of facial hair on her upper lip. 'Good morning Mrs Hofferson,' Hiccup said waving. 'Mornin' Hiccup,' she said, waving back.

'Guys, welcome to Berk-town,' Hiccup said throwing his arms wide.

Behind a hut, an ugly, withered old man holding a staff was peering at Hiccup and Toothless. He scowled. His grumpy-looking sheep sat next to him. 'Look at 'im Fungus,' the man muttered to the sheep, 'Strutting around, thinkin' he's so important.' The man eyed Jack, Rapunzel and Merida. 'Look at the comp'ny he's keeping nowadays. What is that blonde girl wearing?' 'BAA,' said Fungus. The man patted the sheep. 'I've got a plan this time Fungus and it won't fail.' 'Talkin' to yourself again Mildew,' came a loud voice. Mildew jumped and cursed as a one-armed, one-legged man with a tooth missing walked past.

Hiccup lead the group through the village towards the Berk-Dragon-Training-Academy. 'Just in time,' Hiccup said as they neared the gates. Inside the arena were five people and five dragons, or rather five people and four dragons, one of which had two heads.

A blonde, tough-looking girl in her mid-to-late teens turned to face the approaching group. 'Hiccup,' she called over to him, 'Where've you been? We've been waiting f-' but she stopped at the sight of Rapunzel and Merida. Her expression became rather stony. 'Introduce us then,' she said a little stiffly. 'Sure,' Hiccup said, 'Guys, this is Astrid; she's the best fighter in the academy.' Astrid tossed her hair.

At this point, one of the dragons hopped over to them. This one was bright blue and had massive jaws. The tail was covered with deadly looking thorns and the entire body was held up by two legs in the dead centre of the dragon's torso so the front and back were balanced perfectly. 'And this is Stormfly,' Astrid said, rubbing the dragon on the snout, 'She's a Deadly Nadder. She has the hottest fire of any dragon and the toxin-filled tail-spines can launch at will.'

'So are all these dragons?' Jack asked, gesturing to the semi-circle of reptiles. 'They are indeed, c'mon I'll introduce you.' Hiccup led them over to a large, rusty-brown, knobbly dragon with a very big mouth. Next to it was standing a boy about Hiccup's age, except with blonde hair and comparatively chubbier. 'Hi, I'm Fishlegs,' he said. They all shook hands. 'And this is Meatlug,' Fishlegs said, rubbing his dragon on the back, 'She's a Gronkle.' 'They eat boulders, melt them in their stomachs and then spew them out,' Hiccup explained. 'Charming,' Merida said.

'And these two are Ruffnut and Tuffnut.' The said twins were already in the middle of a bickering match. The green, two-headed dragon behind them was watching with amused interest. 'And they've named their Zippleback heads Barf and Belch,' pointing up at the heads of the dragon. The right head exhaled a small amount of green gas. The other produced a couple of sparks with it's teeth. 'Barf and Belch, lovely names (!)' Merida said, not even attempting to hide her sarcasm.

The last dragon was bright red and had spines running along it's back. It long jaws were protruding sharp teeth. It looked scary, but they would have chosen the dragon over its' rider; a person who seemed to have a lower IQ than he had eyes and an emotional range of a human hair strand. Not to mention rather ugly. 'And this is Snotlout and Hookfang.'

Snotlout eyed Merida. 'Well hi there,' he said, trying and failing to sound attractive, 'So what's your name then?' He leant on the wall trying to seem irresistible.' Merida,' the said girl responded. Snotlout brushed himself down. 'D'ya know what these clothes are made of,' he asked flirtatiously. 'No,' Merida said and, dreading the answer, said 'What?' 'Well, I believe it's called "Boyfriend Material",' Snotlout said, winking at Merida.

Jack looked at Merida, who was also smiling flirtatiously at Snotlout and walking forward with a sexy spring in her step. 'Is your father a baker?' Snotlout asked. 'Oh gods,' Astrid said, head in hands. She'd heard this pick-up line before and it was awful. 'Nae, he isn't,' Merida said, her voice taking on a rather more delicate quality than usual. 'Why d'ya ask?' 'Because you've got a lovely set of buns on yah.'

Hiccup, Rapunzel and Jack gasped and slammed their eyes shut, waiting for the inevitable explosion of anger but... 'Ha ha, you're funny.' Their eyes opened and the three stared at Merida and Snotlout. In fact everyone in the arena stared at them. This had never happened before.

'There's only one thing a girl like me can say to a guy like you,' Merida said. She and Snotlout were now nose-to-nose. 'And what's that?' Snotlout asked. 'This!' SMASH!

Snotlout flew back several feet and collapsed to the ground. He'd been knocked out or at least was too afraid to sit back up. There was even a dent in his Viking helmet. Everyone (even the dragons) stared at Merida. She tossed her hair. 'Serves the boggin, lavvy-head right.' There was a round of applause. 'You keep yer distance from me yeh doowally bauchle!' Merida yelled, pointing a finger at Snotlout.

Four dark figures watched the activity of the village from the forest. Pitch tapped the tip of his fingers together. Gother toyed a little with her hair. Mor'du sniffed the air. He could smell fish and meat. He licked his chops. The Red Death seemed to be using all of it's willpower not to fly forth and destroy the place.

'Since the dragons have stopped attacking Berk,' Pitch said suddenly, 'The villagers won't be as alert as they were at night before.' 'Are you saying we attack tonight?' Gothel asked. 'No,' Pitch said, 'It is a full moon. Tsar Lunar will be at his most powerful.' He glanced skywards.

'I thought we'd defeated-' 'Those were the Guardians, mere puppets. The Man in the Moon is the master. We must wait until after the next waning crescent when MiM will be considerably weaker.' 'And what do we do with them?' Gothel said, pointing the four distance figures at the Dragon arena.

Pitch smiled. 'I have plan for them.' 'What is it?' 'It is, as yet, unfinished, but already it's cold and cruel.' Gothel rested her head on Pitch's shoulder. 'I like cold and cruel... very much indeed.' They looked into each others eyes.

Deep under the ocean around Berk, the fish suddenly fled. The Darkness flowed beneath them. Like Pitch, it also had a plan, but a plan infinitely more horrible

Merida sat on the cliff edge, staring at the rising moon on the horizon. She was feeling... small and alone. Not quite sad, but very similar. So she began to sing a lullaby.

'A naoidhean bhig, cluinn mo ghuth,' she began. This lullaby had been sung to her by her mother when she was a baby. 'Mise ri d' thaobh, O mhaighdean bhan.'

She held herself tightly feeling lost and alone. 'Ar ríbhinn óig, fás as faic do thir, díleas fhéin.' Suddenly, another voice joined her own. Turning, she saw Jack standing behind her.

'A ghrian a's ghealaich,' he sat down beside her. 'stiúir sinn,' They looked into each others eyes as they sang. 'gu uair ar cliú 's ar glóire,' They smiled and held each others hands. 'Naoidhean bhig, ar ríbhinn óig. Mhaighdean uasal bhan.'

'Little baby, hear my voice. I'm beside you, O maiden fair. Our young Lady, grow and see, Your land, your own faithful land. Sun and moon, guide us, To the hour of our glory and honour. Little baby, our young Lady, Noble maiden fair.'

The kiss turned out to be one of the two most important kisses in the history of the multiverse... and they were both happening at the same time.

Pitch and Gothel turned on the spot while Jack and Merida embraced on the cliff-edge.