"So, this is partially the story of why I'm alone, but it's also the story of how I found out I was ga... well, you know." James says in a bland and feigningly apathetic way. "And I want to preface this by saying that this will probably, like the rest of my life, suck."
I lean to the side, propping myself up with an arm, and try to give a melancholy laugh to his somewhat self-detrimental joke. I hope he was joking. I hate it when bad stuff happens...
"It must have been... like... five years ago. My friend Chris and I were running around, just having fun playing tag or something. Chris was laughing hysterically at every stupid little thing I did. I'd jump off a rock and topple to the ground; he'd laugh. I'd climb a tree and hang by my tail, making funny faces at him; he'd laugh even more.
"I can remember... he- he dared me to climb really high up this one ginormous tree." He looks at me like it hurts to tell me all this, but after a while he continues, "I made him promise to catch me if I fell, and he promised. So, reluctantly, I climbed the tree. I climbed so high I could barely see the ground. That's probably an exaggeration, but whatever. So Chris was on the ground egging me on, and I kept climbing higher and higher. I don't know exactly what happened, but suddenly I slipped or a branch broke or something.
"I fell." He says. I gasp a little; he's obviously substantially less afraid of heights than I am. I'd have died from just being up that high, let alone falling. "Dude, don't worry. I was totally fine. Chris caught me. So... really I must not have been that high in the first place... but it had a great dramatic effect." He giggles to himself.
"What happened next?" I ask, wanting him to get on with the story instead of overanalyzing every little detail of it. Bit of a hypocrite, aren't you, Louis? I probably should just let him digress about whatever he wants, I know I do...
"Oh, yeah. So anyway... there I was, in Chris' arms. He said that he was sorry for daring me to climb that tree, but I couldn't get my heart to stop racing. I didn't ever want him to let me out of his arms. We were face to face for a long time. I didn't know what he was feeling, but I had this overwhelming urge to kiss him. I eventually had to pull away after coming far to close to doing so, and I guess ever since then I've been gay...
"For the next few days I tried my best to keep it a secret. I didn't tell Chris; I didn't tell my parents; I didn't tell anyone except my pillow, and it was killing me. I just wanted to hug him again, to hold him." I nod a little with a slight frown, but he must think the frown is directed at him.
"I... uh... I know that must sound crazy." He says.
I smile and say, "Not in the slightest. Believe me, I know exactly how you felt."
"It was the strangest feeling," He explains, "like my stomach was filled with a million butterflies... no, worse than that. I was much more like my stomach was filled with carnivorous insects that wanted to eat me from the inside out, whose only purposes in life were to end mine. I felt like puking every time I stood up. I had no idea how Chris would react if I told him, let alone my parents... But I couldn't- I couldn't hold it in anymore.
"About a week after I'd realized I liked Chris, I decided to tell him. Or, rather, I had to swallow my fear and apprehension because I was going to explode if I didn't at least get an answer. By that point I thought I'd be okay even if he didn't like me back; I just had to know."
There are little tears welling in his eyes. He wipes them away with his arm and takes a big gulp of air before saying, "I was wrong.
"I asked Chris if we could go for a walk... I could barely even wait until we were out of sight from our parents before I grabbed him. I hugged him and held onto him for way too long, and he eventually, awkwardly wriggled out of my grasp. We walked a few more feet, but it was taking forever to get far enough away to tell him. So, I grabbed his hand and ran.
"He stumbled along behind me like he didn't know what was going on, which, I'll admit, he didn't. We ran out past all our favorite places to hang out until we reached this pond; the same pond that is now infested day in and day out with droves of adolescent animals."
I chuckle, thinking about Peaches and the night I "told" her and all the drama surrounding it. It's weird how that's pretty much lead directly to what's happening now. Things would be so different if I hadn't told her- I wouldn't have met that little, well... not-so-little-but-you-get-the-point, turtle, Amy, and I almost certainly wouldn't have made Peaches that necklace. If I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have been at my burrow when those sabers showed up, and I wouldn't be talking to James right now... Though I still completely regret using something so personal as leverage in a stupid argument, I'm almost glad I did...
"Pebble for your thoughts?" James says.
"Huh?" I look at him, confused and blushing.
"What were you thinking about?" He asks. "It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. Just, telling this story is kind of emotionally draining."
"I was... uh- thinking about Peaches." I answer.
"I take it that's what you spend most of your time doing." He teases.
"Pretty much." I concede.
"So, how long have you been ever so desperately in love with her then?" He asks comically in some weird yet, admittedly, charming accent I've never heard.
"Years." I deadpan. He looks at me, dumbfounded.
"What!? Did you just say, 'Years.' as in, like more than a week or two!?" He waits for an answer. I nod, and he carries on, "Wow... I could barely last a week in that state. Louis, you're a greater man than I am." He pats me on the back and again has to shake the pain out of his hand from hitting my spines.
"Dude, you've gotta stop impressing me. I'm worried my hand might mutiny." He jokes.
"You seem a bit prone to hurting yourself." I comment.
"Says the guy who has a mangled leg and just fell off his girlfriend after getting wacked by a measly stick." He retorts.
"She's not my girlfriend..." I look away, rubbing my arm bashfully. My face scrunches up into a frown and I feel like I might cry.
"But you want her to be." He says while leaning forward on his knees and looking at me curiously. Our noses are almost touching as he gazes into my longsuffering eyes.
"Can we get back to your story?" I ask, trying to change the subject before I have an anxiety attack or something.
"Okay, uh... where was I?" He asks and sits back down.
I remind him, "The pond."
"Oh, yeah. The pond; thanks. So, anyway," he continues, "Chris and I, being the awkward little possums that we were, sat down by the edge with our feet in the water because that was our thing...
"We sat there, not doing anything for a while. I was staring up at the sky. The expanse of dark-blue surrounding everything that I'd ever known, as if a single color was dominating all of nature. It was mesmerizing. I was concentrating so hard on the sky that I didn't even notice Chris putting his arm over my shoulder.
"He made sure I wasn't paying attention, and then, out of the blue, shoved me forward into the pond. That was kinda an agreement we had- If either of us let our guard down around a body of water, it was the other's job to push them in. I did, however, manage to grab his leg as I fell into the water and drag him in with me.
"The water was barely up to my shoulders, but both of us were soaking wet by the time we scrambled out. I couldn't think of anything else to do besides telling him. I got his attention and began to stutter out my secret. I must have repeated 'I' eight or nine times before he told me to spit it out. Finally I said, 'I love you.'
"He proceeded to try to rationalize that by acting like I'd meant it as nothing more than a friendly kind of love, but I didn't mean it that way and he had to know that... I kissed him. Right there. I didn't talk. I didn't breathe. I obviously didn't think. Right on the lips. I just kissed him.
"He didn't pull away at first. He just stared at me… not angrily, but not happily. He was surprised, if anything. I tried to put my arm around him, but he nudged it off. He still didn't pull away though, like he was thinking about it. I wish I'd enjoyed that kiss, but I was preoccupied about what would happen next. I waited a few more seconds, then pulled away.
"I said I was sorry. I said that I hoped we could still be friends, or even acquaintances, or anything as long as I could still see him… but he kept staring at me, not saying anything... After a while, without another word, he turned and started walking home. I sat down to cry, but realized that he hadn't actually told me anything. Thinking that I could still salvage something... I ran after him." James tries to inhale, but it sounds more like he's trying to snort something up his nose. He's, in a word, a wreck. His face is soaked with tears and the rest of him isn't in much better shape.
"I'm sorry, Louis. This story is really hard to tell..." I stop him. "James. You can stop if you want."
"No," He says, "I can keep going... I mean, as long as you can keep it together." He smiles a little, and I smile back.
"When I got to him, he... he pushed me away. He told me to go away. To leave... That he didn't want to see me for a while... That he didn't know if we could be friends anymore.
"When we got home, he didn't say a word to me. He just walked right off to his tree and left me standing there. I couldn't tell my parents... I couldn't take whatever their response would've been, and I guess I'll never know.
"I slept, or more or less didn't sleep, in a different tree than everyone else that night, which is the only reason that I'm talking to you right now. I couldn't sleep, and it was really late, possibly even the next day... The entire forest was silent, and that is never normal. Suddenly, I heard a scream. It sounded like Chris' mom. Then more screams. I hid in my tree, not knowing what to do. There was a rustle in the branches in the tree right next to mine, and I ran. I jumped and scurried and threw myself from branch to branch until I couldn't feel my arms. Whatever it was didn't follow me...
"The next morning I snuck back to the tree, but no one was there. I don't know what happened to them, but I do know that I left my family and my best friend behind... I've never seen them since..."
That last word hangs in the air. Some ending... James starts bawling. Why on Earth did you have him tell you all that, Louis!?
This time I hug James first.
This chapter's song is "I'm Still Here" by Johnny Rzeznik.