Just Breathe, Chapter 15 – the morning after the exhibition, talking with John
Friday morning, 7/8
Ana's POV
Christian stands over me; grasping a plaited, leather riding crop. He's wearing old, faded, ripped Levis and that's all. He flicks the crop slowly into his palm as he gazes down at me. He's smiling, triumphant. I cannot move. I am naked and bound spread-eagled on the large four-poster bed in the Red Room of Pain. He trails the riding crop up the insides of my legs, up my thighs, circling my navel, up my torso, between my breasts. He circles the riding crop at the base of my throat. He drags it up my throat, over my chin, across my lips, up my nose and it rests on my forehead for a minute. He gazes down at my breasts, at my pebbled nipples, at my moistening slit.
Smiling, he resumes his path with the crop. He trails the tip of the crop from my forehead down the length of my nose, so I can smell the leather, and over my parted, panting lips. He pushes the tip into my mouth so I can taste the smooth, rich leather. "Suck," he commands his voice soft.
My mouth closes over the tip as I obey. I catch it between my teeth, like I do with my bottom lip when I am concentrating. I suck it for a few minutes, watching his erection strain against his jeans.
"Enough," he snaps as he tugs the crop out of my mouth, trails it down and under my chin, down my neck to the hollow at the base of my throat. He swirls it slowly there and then continues to drag the tip down my body, along my sternum, between my breasts, over my torso down to my navel. I'm panting, squirming, pulling against my restraints. He swirls the tip around my navel then continues to trail the leather tip south, through my pubic hair to my clitoris. He flicks the crop and it hits my sweet spot with a sharp slap. I come, gloriously, loudly moaning my release.
"Ana, Ana, darling, are you all right?" Christian gathered me in his arms.
OMG, I'm so embarrassed. Did he hear me moaning? "What…what are you doing in here?" I stutter, trying to brush hair out of my eyes.
"I knocked, but I heard you moaning, so I came in. I came to see if you wanted to go to Grey Annex to run, or if you wanted to run with me." He said.
Having been abruptly awakened by the dream and him, I'm gasping for breath, covered in sweat and feel aftershocks of my orgasm. I'm disoriented.
"Did you have a nightmare?" He asks.
I blush burning in hell red and shake my head no. "I was dreaming…"
He notices my blush and pushes me down on the bed. "You are so beautiful when you blush. Did you have a wet dream?" His hand slid up my leg to my apex covered by sleep shorts. "You are soaked," he murmurs. "What were you dreaming about?"
"You," I try to close my eyes.
"Look at me, Ana – what was I doing?" His voice pushes me to the truth.
I peek up at him through my lashes. "You had a riding crop."
"Really?" His astonished look makes me blush again.
"Yes."
"What was I doing?" He kisses my neck.
"You were," oh god…his fingers press against the seam of my sleep shorts, stroking me.
"What was I doing?" He asks again in that Dom voice that brooks no argument.
"I was restrained on your bed in the playroom. You flicked me with the riding crop."
"Where," he asked. His hand cups my ass and he pushes his erection against me.
Oh my god, I've forgotten how big he gets…how he gets hard so fast.
"Where, pretty girl?" His talented fingers slide into my shorts, and hone in on my sex.
I moaned, "There...you flicked me there."
"Did your dream make you come?" He groaned and began circling his thumb over my swollen bud. He paused for a moment when his fingers find the string of my tampon. "You're on your cycle?" He whispered.
"It's the end of it. I started late Sunday night." Suddenly, I'm shy…I mean…my god; Kate never told me how to dealt with the whole cycle/sex thing. I wouldn't even know how to ask Carla.
"I'll be as gentle as I can be," and with that –my clothes are gone, my tampon is gone, and his fingers move all over my sex. He kisses me, he nibbles my neck, he sucks my nipples while his fingers touch me, his fingers push inside me, his fingers rub my slit over and over. "Come for me baby; show me how much you've missed me."
I bury my face in his bicep and silently scream another climax. It is cathartic, stress relieving, while igniting my need for him.
Christian moves off me in a minute and strips naked. Using his bathrobe belt, he ties my hands above my head. He pulls me diagonally on the bed, the motion pulling my breasts high and tight, so needy for his hands or his mouth. With less than ten seconds of warning, he is sheathed inside me, his hips rolling and stroking slowly and deeply, his hands on my hips, holding me while he pushes into me. His mouth seeks and finds my pebbled nipples, sucking, licking, nibbling me toward another explosion.
"Please," I beg, "please…more…oh god…I need to feel you, all of you…"
He stills and flips me over, thrusting into me again as I brace myself on my forearms. My nipples brush against the soft sheets, sending flashes of desire to my core. Christian places his hands on my hips, thrusting harder and harder into me. He wraps one arm around my waist and his hand goes back to my sex…finding my stiff hard bud, tugging it, circling it, pressing it until I grind back against him…
"Don't stop," I moan; trying to grind against him more.
"Come for me Ana, he pants, "I want you to come all over my hard hot cock…I want you to be soaking wet just for me."
Seconds later…my insides shatter as his hand tugs my swollen bud. I put my mouth to my arm and muffle my scream as I grip him over and over… I hear and feel his feral moan against my spine as he thrusts once, twice, a third time, and collapses on me.
His weight and his body heat hold me in place…I don't want to move. "Oh god, baby, I've missed you. I want you so much, please don't leave me. Please stay and let me love you." He murmurs while kissing my hair and stroking my shoulder.
XX
Christian comes in when I'm trying to brush my hair into a messy braid, and he takes over. His fingers are nimble and the braid is perfectly tight. He sighs when he's done with it, and gives me a look in the mirror.
"What?" I ask.
He steps behind me and places my braid over one shoulder, very gently. Then his arms encircle my waist, and he rests his head on top of mine. "You look very pretty this morning, Anastasia." He plants a kiss on the top of my head and warns me breakfast will be ready in ten minutes. When he departs after swatting me on the ass, I still feel the heat of his body and can smell his aftershave. I have to sit on the bed and catch my breath. Was this morning make-up sex? Was it just sex? When did I become addicted to his touch? I have interviews to conduct today or I could consider staying in bed with him all day. The man makes me weak in the knees…wet in my panties…and confused in my head.
******** Seattle Nooz ********
Informed sources reveal the gorgeous Grey Brothers were seen at the Portland Art Gallery last night with Anastasia Steele and Katherine Kavanagh. It is the first sighting of Christian and Anastasia since the announcement in the media on Sunday that they are in a committed relationship. Media caught pictures of the arrival, but not the departure. The artist currently on display at the Portland Art Gallery is José Rodriguez, a college friend of the young ladies. Rumor says there were ten pictures of the young women in one section of the gallery when the exhibit opened at seven p.m.; but shortly after the arrival of the Grey Brothers, all ten photos were removed, crated and prepped for shipping to Seattle. We don't know the kind or quality of photos…but they were quickly removed before the general public got much of a look. Rumor claims Christian Grey paid a cool quarter of a million for the ten pictures and the negatives. Calls to the gallery, Rodriguez and the Greys have not been returned. If there is a breakup between Elate (Elliott-Kate) or Christiana (Christian-Ana)…who gets the pix? Or will vengeful lovers post the pictures on Facebook?
******** Seattle Nooz ********
Barney wished Mr. Grey would hire a social secretary who would warn him when Grey planned to attend an event. He pulled dozens of photos from various media outlets, plus clipped photos from the Portland Tribune and the Seattle Times. He printed online media stories and blogs about Grey at the Portland Art Gallery last night. He forwarded a full packet of information to Welch. The most interesting item in the group…a copy of the flyer sent to the media with pertinent information and a graphic of the campfire picture of Miss Steele and Miss Kavanagh. Last night's media storm was orchestrated by someone. The flyer was scanned and uploaded as a graphic to an art critic's blog. The critic missed the section of photographs of the young women, but had excellent things to say about Rodriguez's landscapes.
Ana's POV
"You barely got here on time for a normal workday…and you didn't work out in the gym this morning," Christian whispered in my ear.
"Attempting to make me feel guilty won't work," I whispered. "It's all your fault there's a twinkle in my eyes and a huge goofy grin on my face. I would think that you'd almost be under control after the quickie in my bed and the extended X-rated morning shower." I hadn't moved since I closed the door after Christian entered. "We're not sneaking off for a nooner. Sawyer arranged for lunch to be delivered so I can concentrate on interviews this the afternoon."
Christian wrapped his arms around me. "You don't regret this morning?" His hand slid up my leg under the hem of my column dress. He groaned when he got to the top of my stocking.
"I don't regret it; but we still have to talk," I said. "We can't solve our issues in bed, Christian. You can't sexpertise me until I forget what I need to say or think."
"I promise not to race over here daily and molest your soft sexy body; but you need this right now as much as I do," He tipped my head up to look in my eyes before he captured my mouth. He gently kissed, but his kiss grew more demanding as he nibbled hungrily at my lips while his hand flattened against my spine; pushing me into him. "I've missed kissing you, I've missed touching you, I've missed loving you," he sighed; finally releasing me from his firm arms. "Finish the day…" he said.
"See John…" I said.
"Dinner at Escala?" He asked.
"Can dinner be late?" I suggested.
"You have something in mind?" He asked.
"You…I try to concentrate on work…but…" I blushed.
"I wreck your concentration?" He asked.
"You know you do," I scoffed at his innocent act.
"I'd rather wreck your panties, but I know you have interviews this afternoon," he said. His deep and through kiss made me want to go wild on his body. "I really did come over for a reason." He broke away from me and reached in his briefcase. He handed me the background checks for the ten applicants.
"Anything untoward I should know?" I asked, flipping through the files.
"Nothing untoward; seven and eight don't have great experience. Nine and ten don't have a stable work history." He noted, kissing me lightly on the lips. Then he handed me two newspapers. "We made the Portland Tribune and the Seattle Times. Media is out in full force at both Grey House and Grey Annex. Please don't leave the building without Sawyer. Please don't let anyone come up to your office that doesn't have an appointment."
"Why?" I suspiciously questioned.
"Elena appeared at Grey House this morning, newspapers in hand. Taylor escorted her to security. He announced in front of the security staff that she was not allowed access to Grey House or any Grey property from now on. He escorted her from the building. She was driving away when she saw Grey Publishing on the Annex sign. She tried to get in here to see you, but Taylor contacted Sawyer the moment Elena got into her car. Sawyer refused to allow her into the building. Taylor is downstairs giving Grey Annex security a crash course in dealing with proscribed visitors."
"Is Elena on that list?" I asked.
"Taylor took care of it," he said, capturing my mouth again.
After Christian left, I read the articles in the papers, and then slipped them into my tote. I didn't want to leave them out for people to see. I reached for my smart phone and started making a list of questions, topics, issues to discuss with John and Christian. Three, the effects of Three on my relationship with Christian, Leila, Elena, subs, my withdrawal, his touch therapy. Will we need couple's counseling?
I reached for the background checks from Christian. My top five candidates were included in his six approved files. The first interview was at one, followed by an interview every forty-five minutes until we interviewed the top five candidates. If she interviewed well, I was leaning toward hiring Hannah Howard. I liked the thoroughness of her resume. Her references spoke highly of her abilities; plus her background and education would be an asset for Grey Publishing.
XX
We are ushered into John's office by a brisk and friendly receptionist. His office is pale green with antique oak wainscoting. At the front end of the room are two dark green leather couches and two dark green leather wing chairs encircling a high oval glass-topped antique table. The interior of the table, protected by the glass, is carved with a wreath of flowers. Ray would go crazy in this room, touching and inspecting the wainscoting and the antiques. Several glass-fronted oak bookcases dot the perimeter of the room. At the far end of the room, John is seated at an antique oak library table which acts as a desk. As we enter, he stands and walks over to join us in the seating area. He wears navy blue dress pants and a pale-blue open-necked shirt – no tie. His bright blue eyes seem to miss nothing. "Christian," he smiles amicably.
"Hello, John," Christian shook his hand.
John kissed me on the cheek. "Welcome, Ana. Christian said you wanted to meet with me tonight." He smiled.
"Yes, Christian and I need to talk. There are things to be said; questions to be answered." I smile ruefully.
"I agree to mediate any difficult areas in your conversation; but there may be homework when I am finished with you. Understand?" John asked; indicating the couches.
"Acceptable," Christian and I say in unison.
Christian leads me to one of the couches which sit at right angles to one another, touching at the arms of the couches. I sit, trying to look relaxed, resting my hand on the arm of the couch, and he sits on the other couch beside mine. The oval table holds a box of tissues.
I wish I felt as relaxed as John looks when he takes a seat in one of the wing chairs and picks up a leather notepad. Christian crosses his legs, his ankle resting on his knee, and stretches one arm along the back of the couch. Reaching across with his other hand, he finds my hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze.
"I'm going to ask some basic, general questions first. I like to ask them in groups of three, six or nine depending on the intensity of previous conversations," John said. "Ana answers first; Christian answers second. No interrupting one another; no confronting each other over answers. To prevent antagonism…everyone has a name. No nicknames, no profanity to describe anyone. Ready?" He watched us both nod our heads. "How would you describe your childhood?"
"Happy," I replied.
"Happy after Grace and Carrick adopted me," Christian said.
"What is your earliest happy memory?" John asked.
"Ray took me sledding and we built a snowman," I said. "I've seen pictures; it was around Christmas when I was four."
"Ella baking a chocolate cake – maybe for my fourth birthday?" Christian said.
"What is a significant memory from your childhood?" John asked.
"Arguing with my mother when she separated from Ray," I said. I didn't speak to her for almost two weeks. She finally had to beg Ray to ask me to talk to her. Funny…I had forgotten how I can shut down so easily when I'm stressed.
"When mom and dad brought Mia home," Christian said.
"As a child, what were your favorite activities?" John asked.
"Fishing, camping, running, working with Ray in the woodshop," I respond.
"Kick boxing, playing piano, hiking," Christian replied.
"What do you consider the most important event of your life, so far?" John asked.
"College graduation, where I met Christian," I answered.
"Meeting Ana," Christian said, smiling at me.
"What is your greatest regret?" John asked.
"My biological father died before I had the chance to get to know him," I said. I explained about Frank Lambert and Raymond Steele to John. "As far as I'm concerned, Ray is my father, but I would have liked to know Frank."
"My greatest regret," Christian paused. "I regret that I didn't realize how ill Leila was until she killed Elizabeth. Mrs. Jones warned me about the cutting, and how ill she looked. I concentrated on finding her, instead of thinking about what motivated her. Leila was always so lively, so much fun. I have a hard time thinking of her as mentally ill."
"I need to ask you about Leila," I said to John. "I know this may upset you, Christian, but I need John to answer some questions about Leila; not you."
John stared at me. "Because of HIPPA laws, I'm allowed to discuss patients."
"Technically, you are consulting with her psychiatrist, so she is not your patient. I'm consulting with you. I need answers." I insist. "How is Leila?"
"Her actions and reactions are still inconsistent. I never met her before; but Christian and I discussed her. When she talks, she's like a normal young woman. She's been complacent; no record of violent outbursts since she has been incarcerated. When Leila is not lost in her thoughts, she is cooperative with staff. But she's still grieving and deeply depressed. When she is not angry with her lover for abandoning her; she struggles to remember what happened between the time he died and the time she was incarcerated." John said.
"She's not a threat to me?" I asked.
"She's more of a threat to herself right now. Between the cutting and not eating she's compromised her health. For what it is worth, I don't think she planned to hurt you. I know she had a gun; I know she killed Miss Morgan. I believe she wanted to warn you to stay away from Christian."
"Because?" I asked.
"When she saw the picture of you with Christian in the paper; she realized you weren't a submissive. She believed Christian would hurt you and she wanted you to be aware of his history. But a different part of her was ill and in pain. Knowing you were not a submissive; she sought him out hoping he would care for her again. Taking the painful hurt away and replacing it with pleasurable hurt." John said kindly.
"She wanted me to be aware of his sexual history? His submissives?" I asked.
"Yes," John said.
"Has she told anyone about that?" Christian asked.
"No. The hospital staff, media and the court believes she was a stalker; obsessed with you and Ana. They believe she planned to remove an imaginary rival, Ana, from your life and reclaim your love," John said.
"What happened with Elizabeth?" I asked.
"Elizabeth thought Leila was you and started yelling at her. She grabbed Leila; which scared her. Leila swears she shot in self-defense; but she does not remember how she got to SIP." John replied. "Ryan reported he saw Elizabeth's hand on the gun with Leila's. He told the SPD he didn't hear the prior conversation before Elizabeth was shot. Until Leila can fill in the blanks for all her missing time, we may never know the truth about how it happened."
"What happens next?" I asked.
"At her arraignment the court ordered a ninety-day commitment for examination and assessment. It is a violation of HIPPA to tell you her diagnosis. However, she is mentally unstable. At the end of ninety days; her doctors and lawyers will provide the court with a diagnosis and recommendations. She will probably be transferred to a prison psychiatric ward. Manslaughter is usually a five to eight year sentence. Leila had bruises on her where Elizabeth grabbed her; so she's claiming self-defense. However, since she was armed when she entered the building; self-defense is fairly hard to justify even with her conceal carry permit."
"I am sorry about Elizabeth. I'm sorry Leila is ill." I said, pausing because the next question was painful for me. "Christian, do you think I will be approached by any other submissives?"
"I wish I could give you a guarantee and say no. They all have NDAs, but short of bribing every one of them to move out of state; I have no guarantee you might not run into them. I don't believe any of them will seek you out – but I would not have believed that of Leila either," He admitted.
"I have another question," I stated. When Christian nodded, I began, "I know that you performed background checks on the candidates for my assistant position. It made me wonder if you ran a background check on me."
"Yes," Christian said. "I have background checks conducted on people in my life."
"Did you have the background check done before or after we started seeing one another?" I ask.
"Before," Christian said. "The day I met you – I told you GEH had internships. I have background checks completed on all potential employees. When I acquired SIP, I had background checks completed on all the employees."
I was silent for a moment.
"Does that upset you?" John asked.
"No, actually it doesn't if he did it because I was going to be a potential employee. If he did it because he planned to contract with me to be a submissive; I might be angry."
"Why angry?" John asked.
"Because there are different kinds of background checks. A background check to find out if I'm a good employee is one thing. A background check to find out my sexual history is another."
"I told you; I was interested in you the minute I met you. However, I had the background check done because you might come to work at GEH. I ordered a background check on you after you left the Heathman. If you don't believe me, you can ask my chief of security, Welch. You know my sexual history. You know I didn't sleep with staff." Christian said.
"You had background checks done on your submissives?" I asked.
"Yes," Christian admitted.
"Do you have proof…" my voice trailed off. I gathered my thoughts and began again. "Do you have proof of contact with these women that could be used against you in court?"
"Such as?" Christian asked.
"Paperwork like NDAs, contracts, health reports, background checks or pictures of them in the playroom?"
"Yes," Christian said. "I always felt I needed them in case a submissive claimed they were forced into a BDSM contract or were abused by me. It's also why I always had a health check at the termination of each contract. I didn't want an ex-sub claiming I gave her a disease."
I pondered this in silence.
"See…" Christian said to John. "I said something she doesn't like so she's withdrawing into herself."
"I don't think that's it," John said. "I think Ana is considering things."
Another minute passed before I spoke. "Do you see anything wrong with that?" I asked Christian.
"What I did in the playroom, I had to be careful. Who I am in the business world, I have to be careful. To have control, I need information. It's how I've always operated. The NDAs are protection as much as the contracts, the tests, and the pictures." He gazes at me, his expression guarded and unreadable. "Anastasia, do you have any idea how much money I make?"
I blush, "Of course not; why should I? I don't need to know the bottom line of your bank account, Christian."
"I know. That's one of the things I love about you." His eyes soften to a dove grey color. "Anastasia, I earn roughly one-hundred-thousand dollars an hour. Mom and Mia love when I spend money on them. Kate lets Elliott spend money on her. Why won't you let me buy you pretty things?"
"I told you; I don't like men spending money on me because of my mother." I said. "I don't like the way it makes me feel. I don't want cars, clothes or jewelry. Hearing you laugh; spending time with you…that's all I need."
He sighs. "I want to give you the world, Anastasia."
"Do you think people only want you because of your face, or money or what you can do for them?" I asked. "Because I think you are a good person and not just defined by a balance sheet."
"The money, the toys, the presents – they were part of the contracts; part of being a Dom. I provided safety and financial stability while the submissives were under contract with me." He sighed. "I only had one sub who didn't want me for my money or for things. She wanted, needed, my help with restructuring her business to make it successful."
"If I requested the pictures, contracts, NDAs, security videos, reports, etc. regarding your submissives be eliminated from Escala before I returned, would that be a hard limit for you?" I ask.
"No, it would not be a hard limit. Should I ask Taylor to remove and destroy all items pertaining to submissives except for the playroom?" Christian offered.
"You have to decide how vulnerable that information makes you. Does Elena know you have that material? Will she try to get into Escala and get her hands on it to blackmail you into doing whatever she wants?" I shake my head. It never occurred to him that his 'friend' would become angry and seek revenge on me. "No matter what you decide, I want my background check returned to me. I don't want it languishing in a file somewhere for someone to access my information. If you have any information about Carla or Ray, I want that information also. Any information you have on me from any source…I want that information also. Are there any suggestive pictures of me on your phone?" I asked suspiciously.
"No!" Christian said.
"Good, because I would tell Ray," I smiled. "He'd get your phone and shoot it."
"Oh god," he groaned. "I have a history and you have an ex-military father who owns guns and is proficient at using them. I'm doomed."
"Can we stop at this juncture and take a break?" John asked. "Maybe walk around my office, use the powder rooms, get a drink of water?"
"Sounds like a plan." Christian reached for my hand to pull me to my feet.
XX
"I established a few boundaries when we started. I think as you continue to talk to one another, there needs to be more boundaries. Christian, in your parlance, will you name a hard limit?" John asked.
"Ana can't shut down and not communicate tonight," Christian said. "Hard limit."
"Ana, do you have any hard limits?" John asked.
"Christian has to stop making remarks about men trying to get into my panties. It's rude. I don't like it. Just because I cannot resist him does not make me a slut…susceptible to other men's attempts to get in my panties. He has no need to be jealous. If I'm not shooting every woman who bats her eyelashes at him; he can ignore the occasional glance I get from another man. I don't want him sending his security guards to harass anyone who glances my way."
"They want what's mine," Christian asserted.
"Christian…they might envy your money, your power, your good looks and even your business brain…but I don't think the male population lusts after me. Everyone has their own type…Elliott likes blondes. He doesn't flirt with me. I think of him as a friend, like Ethan or José." I shake my head at him.
"What if you decide that being with one of them is easier than being with me?" He grimaces.
"I know you are freaked out by José and my friendship because of the pictures…but the truth is…I could never marry José no matter what José, or José Sr. or Ray might want. I don't love him the way a man deserves to be loved by the woman that he marries. Ditto with Ethan. Maybe it was only sex or a physical outlet with your submissives where they couldn't look at you, talk to you or touch you. But it's not just sex when I'm physical with you. I felt a connection to you before I ever spent the night with you. I want to touch you and show you what I feel for you."
"Touching is a hard limit for me, Anastasia." Christian said.
"I know. I wish I had known before the incident in the park." I shrug. "You let…" the she bitch… "Elena touch you."
"She knows where." He says simply.
"You mean after six years, she knew how to touch you…but I think there's a big difference between skin-to-skin contact between lovers versus playroom-toy-on-skin." I snipe.
"You and I don't have any rules. I have never had a relationship without rules, and I never know where you're going to touch me. It makes me nervous. Your touch completely," he stops, searching for the words. "It just means more – so much more."
I held up my hand in a stop motion. "I'm not confronting you about this; but I am going to say what is on my mind. I don't feel you had relationships before. You had contracts with submissives. I'm not a contract…I'm a girlfriend." I snapped. "We're supposed to be in a relationship."
"A relationship where you hardly talked to me at all this week," Christian yelled.
"Well, maybe you talk to John, and maybe you talk to your family…but you're very brusque with Taylor, in fact, you're brusque with most people. Just so you know…yelling at me is a hard limit." I snap back at him.
"I just get to the point quickly, Anastasia." Christian said, running his fingers through his hair.
"If you want me to continue talking to you, the yelling has to cease. I lived through that with my mother. The mood swings have to cease – I don't know which one of your fifty shades of fucked up that I'm going to encounter at any time, and that scares the hell out of me. Rules and punishments scare the hell out of me too." I demand.
"No rules, no punishments, no contract …I swear," Christian said. "I'm learning I don't need all those things. I need you. If you wanted them, we would negotiate. I told you that before. But you don't, so I'm willing to try without them." Christian said. "I don't know how to do this; you have to communicate with me. You have to tell me what you are thinking and feeling. You have to tell me when I've stepped over a line with you."
I sat silent for a minute.
"Ana, are you processing what he said, or are you processing what you think about what he said?" John asked.
"Christian…I'm very sorry about Sunday. I never intended to out you to your father. It never dawned on me that someone could be listening or that Carrick had forgotten to stop the tape of our conversation. It is fairly stupid on my part considering what I've been through with Jack Hyde and listening devices." I admit.
"John came to the house in Bellevue after you left," Christian explained. "Dad and I discussed Elena. My mother does not know about Elena and me or about my lifestyle. Dad knows; you know. We have no intention of telling my mother or my siblings. However, Mom concurs with Dad and me that I have to end my business relationship with Elena. Dad warned Elena if she doesn't step away from all charity work dealing with underage youth and terminate her friendship with my mother; he will tell the SPD about her."
"Do you think you were trying to protect Christian when you hit Elena?" John asked.
"No," I admitted. "I was already angry with her, so when she grabbed me, I reacted and punched her in the mouth."
"Why?" John asked.
"Because I think if Christian and I are going to be in a relationship with each other...that it is our business…not anyone else's business. I'm not stupid; I know there are things that influence relationships. But I think this should be between Christian and me. I'm not listening to anything Kate says about our relationship…"
"What is Kate saying about our relationship?" Christian demanded.
"She says you're a control freak…" I said.
Christian and John laughed.
"Ana, I have one question which I would like to address before we get deeply involved in a conversation." John asked.
I nodded my approval.
"How do you feel about the press release announcing you and Christian are in a committed relationship?" John asked.
"Perhaps it was premature considering the excessive press and Elena issues," I shrugged. "I'm here for several reasons tonight…Elena is just one of them. I've distanced myself from Christian this week…not because of anything he's done or didn't do, but because I don't like the person I was Sunday. Not only did I hit Elena, but I was angry about you Christian."
"Angry about me?" Christian asked, confused.
"For someone who reads body language as well as you do Christian...for someone who anticipates hostile takeovers in advance like you do...for someone who does background checks on people who come into his life…I'm bloody amazed you did not see Elena guarding the ivory tower you've built around your emotions, around your life. I think anything that made you feel some happiness loosened her grasp on you. She has nothing to do with your flying, gliding, or sailing…but you only did those when you didn't have a submissive in your playroom. She interfered in your relationship with your family. Now she's trying to interfere with us."
"Time out…" John announced. "Ana there's a powder room in the lobby. Christian, there's a private powder room behind my desk. When we come back in, I want to step away from the direction this conversation is taking and do some question and answers for a bit, just to get everyone's equilibrium back."
XX
"Q and A again," John announced. "What is your favorite food?"
I answered "Tex Mex" before Christian answered "Macaroni and cheese."
John asked, "What is your favorite color?"
I replied, "Periwinkle…it's confused like me. It doesn't know if it is blue or if it is purple."
Christian answered "Sky blue – the color of Ana's eyes." He winked at me.
John consulted a list on his leather notepad. "What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes?" I answered cooking, reading and running. Christian replied gliding, flying, sailing, kick boxing and running. John noted their answers before vocalizing the next question. "What do you like to read?"
I explained, "I like reading classical literature. I hate tech manuals, and I don't care for thrillers. I won't read anything where the plot is based on abusing or killing women or children."
Christian countered, "Papers, business magazines – I read so much for work that I don't read for leisure."
"What is your most treasured possession?" John inquired.
"Sorry, I have a dual answer again," I said. "My pearl earrings and necklace Ray gave me for my sixteenth birthday. Also, an antique watch he gave me for graduation from college."
Christian replied, "My solar helicopter from Ana."
"You built it?" I asked with a squeak.
"I found myself with time on my hands and an Ana project requiring completion," Christian smiled. "I meant to show it to you this morning, but there was no time. You need to see it in the daylight. After fifteen minutes in the sun, the rotors start up. It's a cool toy."
John brought us back to the session with a question. "What is your idea of good entertainment?" I pondered for a minute before answering music, movies, reading and fishing. Christian answered music and art.
"What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself?" John asked.
"I would find a quiet place and read," I said.
"I play the piano – sometimes for hours," Christian replied. "Sometimes I just work."
"How do you deal with stress?" John asked.
I answered run, clean house and cook.
Christian soberly responded, "Physical pursuits – running, kick boxing. In the past it was the playroom with submissives. I'm sorry to say, but it was a stress reliever, Ana."
"Ana, you said there were reasons you were here tonight. Can you name one, other than Elena?" John asked.
"Three," I said."
"Three reasons?" John asked.
"I'm sorry; I forgot we weren't supposed to use nicknames. Stephen Morton, my mother's third husband. I call him Three because it's a cypher, a number, not the name of a person. I would say he's a non sequitur in my life; but since some of my issues stem from him…I can't claim that anymore." I proceeded to tell them about my life with Carla flitting from man to man after she divorced Ray and before she married Stephen. "Then there was my sixteenth birthday. Stephen was drunk and abusive for days. He threatened to give me a birthday spanking I would never forget. I couldn't take the verbal abuse any more…I told Carla she had the option of letting me go live with Ray, or I was filing for emancipated minor status and then moving back to Montesano with Ray. I told my coach everything going on at my house. He called Ray, who came and picked me up."
"Describe Ray for me," John asked me.
"Tools are his best friend. He smells like wood dust. I think he'd rather build things than deal with people. He loves restoring antiques. He loves to fish, camp and hike. He's ex-military and taught me respect for guns and how to defend myself. There's so much more to him, I hope I gave you enough of a description to get a feel for him." I explain.
"Describe Carla for me," John asked.
"A conundrum. Men swoon over her…or maybe she swoons over them. I think she grew up knowing how to pander to a man's ego. I think she came out of the womb knowing how to put on makeup, walk in high heels, and flirt with men. I don't think she ever had a bad hair day in her life. She thinks you can't have enough pretty lingerie, clothes or expensive perfume. Her favorite hobby is clothes shopping."
"Did she neglect you?" Christian asked.
"Not neglect in the form of not feeding or caring for me…but I never felt I was as important to her as any man in her life. She missed my eighteenth birthday because she was honeymooning with Bob on a ten-day cruise to the Mexican Riviera. She missed my high school graduation because Bob needed to attend a work-related conference in Shreveport. She missed my college graduation because Bob was injured tripping over his golf bag." I shrug.
"What is the one thing Christian does that makes you feel cherished, Ana?" John asked.
"When he kisses me on the forehead, like Mr. Darcy with Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice," I reply.
"What is the one thing Ana does that makes you feel cherished?" John asked.
"I don't know if I feel cherished, but I feel honored that I was her first lover. I feel loved when I'm in her arms. I feel safe when she sleeps with me…like she's strong enough to chase away my demons." Christian said.
"I don't know if I'm strong enough to chance away my demons, let alone yours." I laugh.
"I'll chase your demons if you tell me what they are," Christian offered.
"Well, Ana…can you tell us your demons?" John asked.
"I'm not that girl…the one who argued with Elena…the one who hit her." I said, fighting back my tears. "I don't like arguments. I don't like shouting. I don't like being grabbed." I said. "I don't like being set up so you have a reason to punish me. I don't like arbitrary rules that do nothing but hamper my life while giving other people power over me."
"Can you explain that?" John asked.
"You don't slip sharp knives into the sink while I'm doing dishes without telling me and then scream and yell at me about being stupid and cutting myself. You don't sneak into the bathroom while I'm in there, and then yell that I'm overreacting because you scared me. Just for future reference – screaming at me is a hard limit! No screaming, no yelling, no cursing, no being verbally abusive – I've lived through that with Thr…Stephen and won't do it again. You don't invade or take away my privacy. You don't hurt someone I love and expect me to not fight back." I said.
"That may explain why you hit Elena." John said. "How about some questions? Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help?"
I replied, "Christian, Ray, Kate, José, José Sr., and the Kavanaghs."
Christian replied, "Taylor, Ana, my family."
"Who do you trust to protect you?" John asked.
"Ray, Christian, Taylor, Sawyer, Ryan…" I said.
"You wouldn't trust the Rodriguez family or the Kavanagh family?" Christian asked.
"I feel I could depend on them if something was wrong and I needed help. But, to be honest, if it comes down to protection, I shoot better than José and Kate has never touched a gun. She might be hell at busting people's balls, but in a physical conflict…she'd probably worry about breaking a nail." I explained.
"Oh," Christian said. "My answer is Ana, Taylor, Welch, and Sawyer."
"You would depend on me to protect you…even though I inadvertently broke your NDA and outted you to Carrick." I asked with surprise.
"NDA - a non-disclosure agreement?" John's brow furrows, and he glances quizzically at Christian.
Christian shrugs.
"You start all your relationships with women with an NDA?" John asks him.
"The contractual ones, I do." Christian explained.
John lip twitches. "You've had other types of relationships with women?" he asks; casting an amused look at Christian.
"No," Christian answers after a beat, and he looks amused, too.
"As I thought," John turns his attention back to me. "May I recommend the two of you discuss this at some point? Perhaps when Christian returns your background check, he'll throw in the NDA as a bonus," he strongly suggests to Christian.
Neither Christian nor I say anything.
"Let's step back again… What are your political views?" John asked.
"I believe every candidate should donate 10% of their war chest to a non-profit agency. Show me you can serve the people before you serve the people," I said. "Just think of it – the last presidential election raised one billion dollars. Think of how much help 10% of that would help the homeless, the indigent, senior citizens in need of medication, etc."
"I always thought political service should be an act of selflessness, like being a priest or a nun, not a plan to get rich or be powerful," Christian said.
"What do you believe makes a successful life," John asked.
"Loving and being loved," I replied.
"Before Ana, it was having a successful business and going wherever I wanted to go and doing whatever I wanted to do. Now, I know that if Ana never wants to be with me again, my life is empty," Christian said. "I didn't realize how empty my life really was before. Even when I had submissives…I had control over an empty life."
"Do you have any biases or prejudices?" John asked.
"Elena Lincoln – enough said," I shrugged.
"People who are inquisitive not for their job, but to find out information about me to use against me," Christian said.
"Can we pause for a minute," I asked John. I turned to Christian, "Do you think I ask too many questions?"
"No, but sometimes it's hard for me to articulate an answer for you," Christian said. "I'm not used to being asked questions unless it's something business related. I try not to do interviews. I try to avoid answer questions from paparazzi or the media. I'm not good at sharing what I'm thinking and feeling."
"Me either," I said sadly.
"What are you going to do to communicate better with one another?" John asked.
"Give each other time to formulate answers; as frustrating as it could be to wait – it's also frustrating to be pushed into giving an ill-prepared answer." I said.
"Ana has to learn not to shut down," Christian said.
"You need to learn boundaries …some days you make me feel like a conquered nation…let me put up my American Flag with the gold-fringed border…Territory of Christian Grey. You are not Pygmalion. I'm not Galatia." I snapped.
"Okay…fighters to your corners again…" John said softly.
"Can we order dinner?" Christian asked. "I think Ana gets snarky when she's hungry. I know I didn't eat well today because I was nervous about tonight. It's getting late but we shouldn't leave until we get some of this sorted."
"Agreeable," John said, "but you have to answer questions during dinner."
"I'm not answering questions when my mouth is full," I warned them. "So don't think I'm withdrawing into myself; I'm just exhibiting good manners. Also, I'm not in the mood for Christian to nag at me about eating. Hard limits."
"Ah, the food issues," John said. "Okay, we will cover that topic tonight also.
XX
John asked, "Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?"
I thought for a moment and responded, "I can be spontaneous, but plans have their purpose. How else do you achieve goals if you don't have plans?"
"I'm not always spontaneous because I have control issues. I think I need to have a plan most of the time," Christian admitted.
"You may not always be spontaneous, but you do think fast on your feet," I said smiling at Christian.
Christian grinned at me lasciviously.
John cleared his throat, warning them both to behave. "Name one pet peeve?"
I answered immediately, "People who are rude to complete strangers."
Christian frowned, "Was that a snipe at Elena?"
I hastily retorted, "No, I've always disliked people who were rude to complete strangers. I worked Clayton's Hardware for four years. I encountered a lot of guys who thought a small slip of a girl like me didn't know the difference between tools, ropes or nails. None of them grew up with Ray Steele educating them about different woods, varnishes, finishes, nails, screws, tools, hardware, etc. It was a victory for me to show them I'm more than a pretty face." I paused and blushed. "Now that I think about it…Elena does fall in that category, but I was not specifically referring to her. If the shoe fits…"
Christian growled, "Employees who talk a good game but are not able to rise to the muster." I started to say something, but he held up his hand to quell me. "I think my pet peeve fits a lot of the old guard at SIP. Part of the reason we're here is because you're uncomfortable there and waiting for the other shoe to fall."
John sighed, "Enough shoe analogies already. Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted?"
I laughed, "Before or after Christian?"
John chuckled himself. "Whatever normal means to you, Ana."
"Exercise, work, cooking dinner, household chores, reading and bed; how I feel depends on the reason it is disrupted." I said.
"Exercise, work, working through dinner, more work and bed. When stupid things fuck up my schedule, it pisses me off." Christian ran his fingers through his hair.
"What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime?" John asked.
I considered his question for a minute, "Write a book? Maybe a series of books like J.K. Rowling."
"That's an easy answer for me," Christian said, "I'd like to learn to fly an airplane."
"Where do you see yourself in five years?" John asked.
"Married, maybe children, working at Grey Publishing," I said.
"Married, maybe children, running Grey House," Christian said.
"Do you know what I find interesting about your answers to the last two questions?" John asked. Neither Christian nor I answered. "I find it interesting that a goal you want to most accomplish in your lifetime is a solitary endeavor. I mean, you can support one another while you are achieving it, but neither of them are really a partnership goal. Plus, saying married…but not naming one another."
Christian and I stared at each other; like we had just solved the hardest puzzle in the world.
John cleared his throat, "Indeed…the two of you have considered being with one another for the long haul…but neither of you have voiced that option to the other. I think I'll step out of the room for a minute and call Rhiann. It may be a long night with the two of you." He stepped out and closed the door.
Christian tried to kiss me, but I backed away. "No sexpertise right now…I'm trying to keep a level head through this."
He runs a hand through his hair. "You are one frustrating female."
"You could have a nice brunette submissive. One who would say, 'yes sir' every time you uttered an order, provided of course you granted her permission to speak. One who would relieve your stress instead of stressing you out. So why me, Christian? I just don't get it." I said.
He gazed at me for a moment, "You make me look at the world differently, Anastasia. You don't want me for my money or possessions. Sometimes when you look at me, I feel my soul is naked and waiting for you to judge me; but you don't. You act like I'm the greatest prize in the world, or a birthday present you can't wait to unwrap. You give me – hope," he says softly.
"Hope of what?" I asked gently.
He shrugs. "More." His voice is low and quiet. "You're right. I am used to women doing exactly what I say, when I say, doing exactly what I want. It got old months before I met you. There's something about you that calls to me on some deep level I don't understand. It's a siren's call. I can't resist you and I don't want to lose you." He reaches forward and takes my hand. "Don't run, please; have a little faith in me and a little patience. Please."
Leaning forward, I kiss him gently on his lips. "That's a two-way street. I'm not going to bug you about Elena anymore; but you have to promise to back off on your control issues."
"You like it when I'm controlling in the bedroom," he smirked.
"You like it when I initiate things with you; when you let me take the lead," I countered.
He sighed and I made the mistake of checking out his groin…his semi-arousal evident.
John knocked before he entered his office. "Ready to start again?"
"Ready," I blushed and Christian smirked.
"What are 10 things you do on a slow day at work?" John asked.
"Well, since I haven't had a slow day, I'm not sure what I would do. I think I would read manuscripts, organize future tasks, track accomplishments, brainstorm, network, team build, learn more about the company, file, volunteer, catch up or get ahead." I replied.
"I've had very few slow days," Christian laughed. "Review projects, organize future tasks, and since I'm the boss – take some time off if it is slow."
They all laughed.
John asked, "If you could choose, how would you want to die?"
I quickly replied, "Instantly, with no warning and minimal pain with my mind intact – or while saving someone's life."
"Ditto," Christian echoed after me.
"If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left." John inquired.
"Talk to everyone I love, give my possessions away to people I love or to people who need them, watch one last sunrise or sunset." I shrugged.
"Make love to Anastasia, tell everyone I love them, go gliding or sailing one last time," Christian said.
"What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death?" John asked.
"How I changed my corner of the world." I said. "Or, if I die in an accident, I want my organs harvested and given to young people, like age 15 to 30 who have families and a reason to live long full lives."
Christian said, "That I helped the world be a better place."
"Let's talk food issues," John suggested. "This is your story, Christian. Ana needs to hear it."
He addressed me. "You are right; my scars are from cigarette burns. Ella was a whore. She was addicted to crack cocaine. I think her pimp got her addicted to control her. He abused her and me. He burned me when he was angry with her for not making enough money. He burned me when he couldn't find an ashtray. When I was four, my mother overdosed and died. I was alone with her body for four days, with no food. Her pimp came looking for her. He tossed the apartment looking for money or anything of value he could sell. He attacked her body, screaming at her, calling her names. He beat me because he was angry with her and then he abandoned me. He called the police and told them she was dead. They came to the apartment and took me away. I couldn't bear to be touched by strangers."
"Was Ella abusive?" My voice was low and soft with unshed tears.
"Not that I remember. She was neglectful." Christian admitted.
"Are your food issues part of her neglect?" I asked.
"I think they are. I remember being hungry until I was in the hospital. Mom said I was malnourished. She kept tabs on everything they tried to feed me, so that she would know how much I ate, and how much food I could tolerate without becoming ill. I think being hungry influenced the rule about what my submissives ate. I think we learned to eat healthy because Mom is a pediatrician. I think that influenced my list of proscribed foods for my submissives." Christian explained.
"Is that why you send supplies to Darfur?" I asked.
"Yes." He nodded. He looks at my plate. "Are you done?"
"I'm very full." I smile. "It was nice to not have to cook tonight, thank you. I usually do all the cooking. Kate isn't a great cook. Her specialty is knowing ten different places that deliver food so we aren't eating pizza every night. We grew up differently…she and I. She didn't learn how to cook, or clean because her parents had housekeepers while she was growing up. I learned how to care for myself at an early age."
"Did you your mother teach you to cook?" John asked.
"I joined Brownies when I was in elementary school, and I liked earning my cooking badges. Then when I was a preteen, I joined a 4-H cooking club. I got a few ribbons at county fairs for cooking and baking. Carla gave up cooking when I became more proficient than her." I explain.
"Sounds like you looked after Ray," John said softly.
"I suppose." I shrug. "I still cook for him now. I batch cook five or six recipes that feed 6-12 people at least once a month and put everything in individual containers for him to heat and eat when he's hungry."
"You're used to taking care of people." Christian said.
The edge in his voice attracts my attention, and I glance up at him. "What is it?" I ask, startled by his wary expression.
"I want to take care of you." His luminous eyes glow with some unnamed emotion.
My heart rate spikes. "I've noticed," I whisper.
'Let's clean up and then we can start again, unless you are both tired and want to start again early in the morning." John said.
XX
John said. "Ana, what have you learned from being with Christian?"
"Being with Christian taught me being rich or famous has drawbacks. Kate taught me it is okay to wallow when things go wrong, but you have to find the strength to get back up. Ray taught me that some people will do anything for people they love. Carla taught me everyone needs a confidante when they are trying to pick up the pieces of their life. Stephen and Ella's pimp have taught me there are truly horrible people in the world." I paused for a second and turned to Christian.
"I just want to reiterate…I have only asked you questions about you. I did not ask Grace about your scars. She was commiserating with Rhiann at Coping Together, because their boys had chicken pox. I learned Elliott had lots of spots and you and Mia barely had a spot to share…same with Rhiann and John's sons. I didn't ask Mia to tell me about you brawling and getting kicked out of school. But when she told me you stopped brawling when you were 15, I knew it was because of Elena. I'm sure she didn't ask you to stop fighting…I'm sure there was sexual denial and punishment involved."
"There was," Christian said quietly.
"I did not ask Mia to tell me you were expelled from a couple of schools. I did not ask her to tell me all of her friends wanted to be 'the girlfriend of bad-boy Christian' just to aggravate their parents. I didn't ask Carrick about you either. He told me Grace was the doctor on call the night you were brought to the hospital. He's the one who told me the deplorable state you were in when Grace first saw you at the hospital. He said you didn't talk when they adopted you. He said your piano lessons and Mia were the reasons you began talking."
"Just as I suspected," Christian said.
"What," John and I ask in tandem.
"You are easy to talk to," Christian said softly. "At least you are easy to talk to when you want to talk."
"I'm sorry about this week. I'm sorry about being in my head." I apologize again. "I'm sorry about Carrick finding out about you and Elena. How do I know that she's not going to sue me for punching her? How do I know that she's not the one feeding tidbits about us to the media? I mean, who the fuck does she think she is, hiring a private investigator to follow me and research my life? I don't think she's going to back off and leave me alone. I don't know how to deal with that. I know how I feel about your history with her. I think she deserves to be thrown in the seventh circle of hell. I have always believed there's a special form of hell for people who abuse kids. I felt that before I met you; I'll believe that the rest of my life. I won't apologize for how I feel and I won't change my mind about it either. Either deal with it, or walk away from me."
"I was stressed about Grey Publishing… everyone knowing Jack Hyde assaulted me… worried about everyone knowing we were together… thinking they would believe Jack's claims that we set him up… thinking my new job was at his expense. Worried that they might try to sue me if they lost their jobs at SIP/GP. I didn't know if I could face all that, or if it was easier to go look for a new job; which is stressful in itself. I knew you said there were internships at GEH, but I didn't want you to regret my working there. I thought if I did work there, and we didn't work out that I would have to leave and find a new job. Will someone want to hire me if I'm with you? I mean someone unlike Jack Hyde who hired me to get to you. Will someone want to hire me after I've been splashed all over the media? I have to work because I have student loans to pay along with rent and stuff, and NO you aren't paying those for me, that's my responsibility as an adult. You have to understand I need to work!"
"I wondered if everyone at GP would blame me for Elizabeth's death and I didn't know if her family would sue me. I didn't know the status of Leila's condition and I worried about her getting out and stalking me again. If Leila hadn't been caught at GP would she have hurt Kate and Ethan since she knew where I lived? What happens if Leila decides to go public with information about you? If that information comes out, how many more of your subs are going to sell their information to the media? I mean Ray is furious about Leila and Elizabeth and thinks my life is in jeopardy because you have psychos stalking you. If information about you and submissives comes out in the press…I don't know how to handle Ray. How do I explain what Leila is in your life if Ray starts asking questions? I worried about other subs of yours seeing the papers and then coming after me also. I worry about Stephen Morton seeing the information about us in the papers or on the news and deciding to come after me. He blames me for ruining his marriage to Carla."
"I worried about Jack's court stuff and will the other interns he abused want to talk to me? How much media attention will there be if it goes to court? I don't know how I feel about Jack hiring me to get to you and your family. Then I have Elena in my face telling me that I'm not good enough for you. Telling me I'm just a surrogate to be beaten and punished because you are angry with Ella. She's flaunting how good a friend she is to you and your family. She's bragging how she's going to get Carrick and Grace to shun me. And I finally realized when I punched her in the mouth; I'm reacting to one fucking disaster after another since I met you. Between everything going on and you being all Alpha Male 24/7; I feel overwhelmed!" I burst into tears and ran to the powder room.
"Holy crap," Christian said.
"Yeah," John agreed with him. "I think she just shared a shitload of stress in her life."
XX
"I am not sorry I met you. I am not sorry I told you about my past. I am not sorry I want more with you. I am sorry you feel overwhelmed…but there is strength in numbers. I feel I can do anything with you by my side. My family and I will do anything we can to keep the world from destroying you. I'm sorry I hurt you back in June. If you had been 100% you could have inflicted a lot more damage on Jack Hyde." Christian said.
"Don't apologize. Ray was there, I defended myself. But I need you to understand I don't believe in physical confrontations." I clenched a tissue in my hand. "You have to discuss your security issues with me. Wanting to keep me safe is one thing; invading my privacy is another!"
We both went silent. John cleared his throat. "Ana, could we have some one-on-one counseling right now?"
My eyes dart to Christian and he's gazing at me expectantly…does he really expect me to say no? "Yes," I whisper.
Christian frowns and opens his mouth but closes it again quickly and stands in one swift graceful movement. "I'll be in the waiting room," he says, his mouth a flat, grumpy line.
"Thank you, Christian," John says impassively. He waits for Christian's exit before he begins talking. "Ana, what can I help you with?"
I stare down at my knotted fingers. What can I ask? "John, I've never been in a relationship before, and Christian is ...well, he's Christian. So much has happened since I met him. I haven't had a chance to think things through."
"What do you need to think through – other than everything that you said before?"
I glance up at him, and his head is cocked to one side as he gazes at me with compassion, I think. "Well ...Christian tells me that he's happy to give up the playroom. He says he is not comfortable taking me in there until I'm healed. He also says it is my decision if we go in there." I stumble and pause. This is so much more difficult to discuss than I'd imagined. "What happens if I don't ever want to go in there…will that be the end of our relationship?"
John sighs. "Ana, in the very limited time that you've known him, you've made more progress with my patient than I have in the last two years. You have had a profound effect on him. You must see that." He paused. "Do you need reassurance?"
I nod.
"Needs change," he says simply. "Christian has found himself in a situation where his methods of coping are no longer effective. Very simply, you've forced him to confront some of his demons. We don't dwell on his demons – they're in the past. Christian knows what his demons are; as do I – and now I'm sure you do, too. I'm much more concerned with the future and getting Christian to a place where he wants to be."
"How's that working for you," I ask facetiously.
He pauses for a minute. "We concentrate on where Christian wants to be and how to get him there. We know why he's the way he is, but it's the future that's important. Where Christian envisages himself, where he wants to be. He realizes that his goal is a loving relationship with you. It's that simple, and that's what we're working on now. Of course there are obstacles – his fear of being touched; his morbid self-abhorrence; his night terrors."
I know about all of this. But John hasn't mentioned my central concern.
"Elena said Christian is a sadist. She said he likes to beat petite brunettes because his mother didn't protect him." I said.
"I heard the conversation; Christian played it for me. He is not a sadist. BDSM is a lifestyle choice. When it's practiced in a safe, sane relationship between consenting adults, then it's a nonissue. With the exception of Elena; my understanding is that Christian has conducted all of his BDSM relationships in this manner. He hurt you, inadvertently, before he could introduce you to his lifestyle. He's been quite willing to work with you on developing a sexual relationship outside the playroom. He does not expect to haul you into the playroom the moment your cast is off."
"But surely it's not that simple to walk away from a lifestyle you have enjoyed for at least six years," I argued.
"I don't think there was enjoyment in it, Ana. I think it was control, a coping mechanism he needed until he was more emotionally mature." John shrugs good-naturedly. "Ana, it is that simple. Christian wants to be with you. In order to do that, he may need to forego the more extreme aspects of a BDSM relationship. He said you've researched the lifestyle. He said you read his standard contract and nixed fifty percent of what was included in it. After all, what you're asking is not unreasonable ...is it?"
I flush. No, it's not unreasonable, is it? "I worry…and I feel I have real reason to worry. I don't know if I can ever be in his playroom without thinking about all the women who were there before me. Not to mention the ever rising specter of Elena Lincoln affecting us."
"Christian recognizes that and has acted accordingly." John sighs. "In a nutshell, he's not a sadist, Ana. He's an angry, frightened, brilliant young man, who was dealt a shit hand of cards when he was born. The introduction of Elena and BDSM into his life when he was an impressionable teenager exacerbated some of that. We can all beat our breasts about it, and analyze the who, the how and the why to death – or Christian can move on and decide how he wants to live. He'd found a lifestyle that worked for him for a few years, more or less, but since he met you, it no longer works. And as a consequence, he's changing his modus operandi. You and I have to respect his choice and support him."
I gape at him. "That's my reassurance?"
"As good as it gets, Ana. There are no guarantees in this life." He smiles. "And that is my professional opinion."
"But he thinks of himself as a recovering alcoholic. Which worries me…will the re-introduction of the playroom change him back to the controlling Dom personality? What happens if I can never go in the playroom with him?" I ask.
"Personally I don't think that an alcoholic is a very good analogy, but if it works for him for now, then I think we should give him the benefit of the doubt. Christian will always think the worst of himself. As I said, it's part of his self-abhorrence. Naturally he's anxious about making this change in his life. He's potentially exposing himself to a whole world of emotional pain, which, incidentally, he had a taste of when you withdrew. He knew what it was like to be free of the night terrors when you were with him. He is learning to balance work with a real life. He's learning to accept the love and support that his family feels for him. Naturally he's apprehensive." John pauses
"I'm apprehensive too…" I related to John. "If Christian's relationship with Elena was a positive as he claims – why hide it? She violated Grace's trust for years and used her to abuse Christian. Now that he's separating himself from her…if anything bad happens to Elena, will he blame himself?"
John sees me frown and continues, "I think he's become emotionally stronger about her. I don't know if he will ever consider that she abused him; but I think he's coming to grips with how much control she had over him and his life. I don't think he needs or seeks her approval any more. Emotionally, Christian is an adolescent, Ana. He bypassed that phase in his life totally. He's channeled all his energies into the business world, and he has excelled beyond all expectations. His emotional world has to play catch-up."
"So how do I help?" I ask.
John laughs. "Just keep doing what you're doing," he grins at me. "I believe Christian is head over heels in love with you. It's a delight to see him come out of his tightly controlled world to experience love with you and establish a real relationship with his family. Christian would not be in this place if he had not met you. Carrick and Grace told me the night of Coping Together that they had never seen their son so happy. No one has. The change in him is you. The devotion, the bond I saw develop between he and Carrick on Sunday was more than I ever hoped he would experience."
"I am glad to hear that since I am aware of Elena Lincoln's attempts to keep him sequestered from his family. He tells me that she touched him in a way that was acceptable…and I understand that to be part of the BDSM lifestyle they shared. However, it is very important to me to be able to touch him, and show him how much I love him. Is there therapy for his hap..hap…"
"Haphephobia," John said. "Yes, and I have discussed them with Christian. He is adverse to the pharmaceutical therapy, which is not surprising. We've talked different forms of therapy…however, until you came along, there wasn't much need for him to address the issue. Now that you are in his life, he's making breakthroughs. We have to let him advance at his own pace. The fact that he sleeps with you, and sleeps all night when he sleeps with you is a monumental breakthrough. I was amazed to see the two of you dancing at Coping Together."
"Why…" I'm suddenly shy. "Why did you bid the First Dance Auction with me?"
John chuckled. "I wanted to watch Christian put his money where his mouth was. He told me about sleeping with you, and being with you. I wanted to know if he planned to dance publicly with you and I wanted to observe the two of you in close proximity to one another. I'm sorry that I made you feel uncomfortable. I'm also sorry for the comment that Elena made about you that night. I know you don't want to hear it; because you feel guilty about hitting her…but standing up for yourself with her is, in my expensive charlatan parlance, the best thing you can do for yourself and for Christian."
"I don't understand how my hitting her is such a positive thing," I muttered.
"I believe…I have no proof, but I believe Elena Lincoln was counseling the submissives and counseling him. I believe she was manipulating events to suit herself."
"Makes perfect sense," I said. "I can't imagine they needed to meet twice a week for seven years to discuss the salons." I paused. "Can I ask you one more thing?" I inquire.
"Of course," John said encouragingly.
I take a deep breath. "Part of me thinks that if Christian wasn't this broken he wouldn't ...want me."
John's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "That's a very negative thing to say about yourself, Ana. Frankly, it says more about you than it does about Christian. It's not quite up there with his self-loathing, but I'm surprised by it."
"Well, look at him ...and then look at me." I explain.
John frowns. "I have. I see an attractive young man, and I see an attractive young woman. Ana, why don't you think of yourself as attractive?"
"Well, I always felt I was not as pretty as my mother. I know a lot of that was I didn't want to be pretty and have her men try something with me. I had middle school and high school friends who experienced that. Stephan made me very uncomfortable that way. Then I lived with Kate, who is very pretty and put together, but she always despaired of my lack of interest in pretty clothes and makeup and men. When you factor in the women who have been in Christian's life…I'm not sure I measure up. Not to mention, every time we've been out together…women flirt with him and treat me like I'm no threat to them."
"I think you have self-confidence issues." John suggested.
"I think being hired by Jack Hyde so that he could get to Christian and the Grey family didn't help my self-confidence. Additionally, the press is not really complimentary about my looks. Elena is pissed off because of the stuff about us in the paper. Leila came looking for me because Christian and I were in the paper. I'm sorry that Ray is getting calls about us, and I'm sorry that the paparazzi are causing problems at Grey House, Grey Annex, my condo and Escala."
"Sorry enough to walk away from Christian." He asked kindly.
"I can't…" I looked at him. "I was a goner the moment he kissed me."
"What are you going to do about it?" John asked.
"Maintain my individuality," I shrugged. "I know he's used to control; but I won't be controlled. He's used to not talking and not touching…but I can't deal with that."
"Well then…we need to bring him back in and work on how you two can communicate effectively with one another." John smiled.
"Given Christian's history, and given my history, I understand his self-loathing. Can we agree to follow some 'to do list' to stop the cycle when it starts?" I suggested.
"What do you suggest?" John asked.
"I don't know, exactly. I just know that Christian is a good man. His charity work, his business ethics, his generosity … he may be damaged, but he's not irredeemable. I know I feel better about myself when I do things for people. Maybe we can find a charity of our own, not Coping Together, but a charity for abused teens or something where we can give time and money to make their world a better place."
"I think that's an excellent idea," John said.
"I also understand because of his past and because of who he is now that he has difficulty letting people into his life. He says he's never felt this way before. I haven't either. Truthfully we've come very far together in a short time. If Christian and I don't go the distance, it will be our decision, not because Elena is controlling him again. I know we have a ways to go…I have to be able to touch him, to show him know how much I love him. I accept that he has issues if he accepts that I have issues. I am willing to love him unconditionally, because he deserves that."
XX
John explained the 'anti-self-loathing plan'. We discussed options. "Sort of like the swear jar that Mom had while Elliott and I were growing up? If I feel you are being self-critical I'll call you on it. Then you have to decide what to do for charity." Christian noted.
"Ditto with you," I say. "First sign of self-loathing, we'll talk about how to make someone's life better – and I don't mean by throwing money at them. We're talking time to connect to people in need instead of dwelling on ourselves."
"Sounds like a plan," Christian said.
"What do you think Christian needs to learn?" John asked.
"He needs to understand what it is like to have friends who are so important to you that you consider them family. I think he needs to find friends who will stick by his side, even if he is wrong. He needs to learn to get along better with others because I don't think he's much of a people person. I think he needs to understand his biological mother had a lot of hard decisions to make. I think he has anger management issues and I think he does things before he thinks."
"What do you think Ana needs to learn," John asked Christian.
"She needs to believe she's beautiful. She needs to know that she can show me her fears. I think she over thinks before she acts because that is her way of controlling issues. I've been through hell this week Ana. Please don't withdraw from me again. Can we call this session done for now, and go home? I'm seriously mentally exhausted by this."
"Homework," John announced, handing us journals. "Fifteen minutes of reflective writing a day. What bothered you, how you handled something, plans to fix something, research on charities, etc. Ana, I want you to write down all those issues you spoke of earlier. All your questions and concerns about Jack, GP, Elizabeth, Leila, Elena, you, Carla, Christian, the media and Ray. I want you to research Frank Lambert. Who he was, where he grew up, people in his life. Where is he buried? You need to work on communicating with Christian; not withdrawing into yourself. There are conversations starter jars for sale online. You can get one of those and draw a topic to discuss at dinner if you have nothing to share from your work day. If you can't talk in person due to schedules or topics…use emails or text one another."
"Christian – ditto for you. You need to research Ella. You need to research Detroit so that you will know if someone other than Jack Hyde is looking for you. If Coping Together is going to affect you emotionally, you need to distance yourself from it. However; you need to tell your parents why, and be honest about it. Additionally…you need to work on touch issues with Ana. If it's just letting her tie your tie for a month, followed by unbuttoning your shirts for a month, followed by letting her wash your chest for a month, followed by letting her wash your back for a month, followed by letting her wash your hair, or letting her give you a massage. Dancing with one another is good practice. Cuddling when you are watching a movie on date night is good practice. I know that she sleeps spoon with you, and that doesn't bother you, it keeps the night-terrors away. You need to build on that with one another."
"Christian, I want us to continue your sessions as you have need. Ana, you are more than welcome to talk to me, but if you want to have your own therapist, I can recommend two or three therapists for you to interview." John stood and stretched. "Payment for tonight will be watching the two of you depart…holding hands and making sincere efforts for the rest of the weekend to reconnect with one another…and Christian…I'm not just talking about sex."
A/N:
Thank you for the reviews and viewers; thank you for the messages and questions; thank you for the favorites and follows!
I do not own Fifty Shades Trilogy or the characters. They belong to E. L. James. My story is the interpretation of my thoughts about how the characters could have, should have, would have acted.