A/N: For the general setting of the story see the A/N of the prologue.

This is the longest story I have ever written (word count-wise, but it will also have more chapters than any of my other stories). I know there are people here writing stories with 100k+ words as if it was nothing, but for me it's quite spectacular to exceed the 50k+ words line. ;)

Things are getting pretty dark in this chapter and the next, especially for Cal, since these chapters are the lead up to the beginning of the story. Just so you know what to expect. Then again, I think you're here for the angst, aren't you?

Warning: There are mentions of suicide in this chapter.

And it's probably obvious but just to be on the safe side – the parts in italics are flashbacks.

The usual disclaimer applies (see prologue).

- No Way Out -

Cal's ears are ringing. He is familiar with this stress reaction of his body albeit he only experienced it twice in his life before. One time when Emily got hit by a car and had to undergo emergency surgery and the other time when he had to watch a man getting killed during his first undercover mission. It will pass; all he has to do is relax. The tension in his limbs and his emotional turmoil tell him, though, that he won't be able to do that soon. He can barely think straight.

He plunks down into a chair and buries his face in his hands. Cal is alone in his house; Gillian is at work. It's Saturday, but one of her patients is bordering on being suicidal, and therefore, she offered him to come by on the weekend. Going to the office already, Gillian decided she could just as well make time for paperwork. As usual, Cal took her there and didn't leave until after he had made sure that the other offices weren't empty but that, in fact, working on the weekend seemed to be quite popular. Gillian won't come home until a couple of hours. Home... Only now he realizes that he has started to think of his house as her home as well. Something deep inside of him threatens to tear him apart at the mere thought and he writhes. A car outside brakes hard, the tires squealing, and Cal remembers how it all began almost a week ago.

After Gillian's remark about his sporty driving style, due to the squealing tires when they had driven to her apartment, she didn't comment on it any further on their way to work. She had no reason to. Cal drove on eggshells, so to speak, suppressing the urge to run into the next car or do anything else reckless and desperate. He couldn't get the pictures of the video stream out of his head. The man in her apartment. The knife. It turned his stomach just to think of it. Still does.

He accompanies Gillian to her office and kisses her fleetingly.

"Drop in when you know what will happen next, will you?" She can barely stifle her nervousness, assuming Cal will go straight to his superiors and report the threats as they discussed.

"Of course, luv." It's no lie. He plans on stopping by later, only has to figure out what to tell her first, and moreover, how to lie to her without lying to her because she will notice it otherwise. An impasse.

Cal decides to drive aimlessly around for a while until the tension in his body will have subsided enough so that he can come up with some ideas. What he really needs right now is going for a jog, but it would be difficult to explain to Gillian why he changed clothes and is soaked with sweat or why he smells freshly showered when he was supposed to sit in conference rooms and have secret meetings. After a while, he feels the tension wear off. Working undercover, Cal is no stranger to handling difficult situations. He blocks out that the men threatened Gillian and solely concentrates on the facts. What are the options?

Like every undercover agent, Cal has an emergency package with money, a phone that can't be traced back to him, and three passports under false names. A safety net that guarantees him an immediate escape. He could leave the country. Only because he hasn't managed to reveal identity and motive of the men who threaten them as yet doesn't mean that he won't be able to do so in general. Cal is almost certain that he will. It is simply a matter of time. Save that he has no time because there is no back up plan for Gillian. He could get a faked passport for her, too, to smuggle her out of the country, but it would take about a week to get it – his source is as reliable as picky and he wouldn't risk to trust anyone else with this. Either way, going into hiding won't work in this case. Cal can't stay in another place, or even country, with Gillian to protect her and find out who their assailants are at the same time. On the weekend, he casually checked if there was a place Gillian could hide alone for a while – family or friends. She has no family anymore, though, and her ex-fiancé had a gift for scaring people away. Even if Gillian intends to rebuild the friendships she lost, right now there is no one aside from him in her life. A realization that felt like a slap in the face. The only person who is close to her is the same person who put her at risk.

Fight or flight. If going into hiding is no way out, he has to go for the opposite. Cal needs to attack fiercely. There is one clue – the man who was in Gillian's apartment. Hines knows him. Therefore Cal can find out his name, and once he knows that, he will be able to trace the men behind this. All he has to do is keep a low profile, contact only trustworthy resources via the phone from his emergency package, and make sure Gillian is safe. It's not much of a plan, but it's all he has.

Cal stops by in Gillian's office around noon because he knows she has no therapy sessions scheduled at the time.

"Hey," she leaps to her feet and approaches him when he comes in. "So?" Gillian wrings her hands nervously.

He takes her in his arms and holds her tight. Cal has figured out how to handle the lie without lying issue. Regardless, he has difficulty doing it. When he releases her, she smiles at him, but the smile is forced. "So?" she asks again, still impatient but more quieter this time. Obviously, she prepares herself for bad news, remembering what he told her – that he most likely will be assigned to an undercover mission.

Cal holds Gillian's gaze. "Do you trust me?" You could say that what he is about to do is unfair, but all is fair in love and war and this is both.

"Yes." She swallows, interpreting his question as what it is – a bad sign.

"Then please don't ask me what will happen next. I can't tell you and we both know you'll hear it if I lie to you."

She lets his words sink in. "So how does it work?" Gillian asks. "You decide what to tell me and what not and I will never know about the rest?" She doesn't like it; he can tell.

"Something like that," he confirms, anyway. There is no other option to handle this. "I don't like it, but it's the only way we can do this. It's best for both of us. You can tell that I mean that, right?"

"Yes," she whispers. Then Gillian takes a deep breath and straightens herself. "I guess I have no choice. Just tell me..." She tears up. "Do you have to leave?"

"No, at least not for now." It's the only good thing about his shitty plan. He can stay with her. She shouldn't be so thankful because of it. All he does is put her at risk even more.

"Oh, Cal," Gillian enfolds him in her arms. Cal feels her heartbeat against his chest, his hands stroking her back and hair of their own accord. She is so happy; it breaks his heart.

"Can I do anything to help?" she leans back to look at him.

His fingers trace the outline of her lower jaw. "Let me make sure that you're safe. Let me drive you to work and pick you up afterwards. Stay with me in my house until this is over so that I don't have to worry about you. Can you do that?" Cal is aware that Gillian likes to be the center of his attention even if she dislikes the restrictions it brings along. She is an independent woman and not used to someone watching over her all the time. For that reason, he expects her to agree for his sake but not without discussing the matter first. What he doesn't expect is her counter question.

"You're using the threat against you to make me move in with you?"

He loves that he made her smile, albeit unintentionally, despite the messy situation. "Aye."

"OK," she shrugs and agrees without further ado. "If you consider it necessary, so be it. For now," she adds when she sees his expression that is equally doubt and exitement.

"Could this arrangement by any chance include a back rub every Wednesday and Friday?" Cal can't resist. It feels so good to fool around as if there weren't any threats, as if she actually wanted to move in with him and were not just doing him a favor to calm his nerves.

"Don't push your luck." Gillian laughs. "And now let me do my job until you pick me up later." She takes his hand and squeezes it when Cal hesitates to leave. "I do trust you and I'm willing to do anything so that we can leave this situation behind. Everything will be fine."

Gillian's trust in him weighs heavily on Cal. What if he doesn't find a way out? What if she gets hurt no matter how many precautions he takes? Everything will be fine. He clings to that thought as he walks out.

Cal rubs his eyes. He is so tired. Not because of a lack of sleep or simple exhaustion. His tiredness goes way deeper. It's a resignation that floods through his veins like icy water. No matter how you look at it, he always comes back to the same conclusion. There is only one way out. Cal remembers how it felt to hold Gillian in his arms on that day. A brief moment of happiness. Her trust in him had made him believe that he really could do it – that he could save her, save them. That was only five days ago, but it feels like years. Everything went downhill from there.

Monday

They drive to her apartment after work to fetch more of her stuff, mainly clothes and books. Albeit Gillian agreed to his request, Cal feels as if he is forcing her to move in with him. He wonders what it might do to their relationship.

He used the remaining time she was at work to check his house for cameras or bugs but found none. Obviously the men are satisfied with observing them and tapping their phones.

They go to bed early and Gillian snuggles up against him as if to reassure him that they are okay. Their closeness, physically as well as emotionally, is so overwhelming that Cal almost tells her everything. In the end, though, he doesn't. It wouldn't change anything, so why burden her with it?

Tuesday

Cal contacts a source at the office he considers trustworthy to find out the name of the man in Gillian's apartment. He almost has forgotten that this man also saved their lives before, the memory of him holding the knife, about to hurt Gillian with it, overshadowing everything else. Cal decided not to contact Hines. Somehow, it feels safer to leave him out. In retrospect, he will think of it as a mistake, realize that he trusted the wrong person. At that time, though, he thought it was better that way.

Afterwards, all he can do is wait. Patience is not one of Cal's virtues; he is restless, fidgeting. Gillian notices it and teases him to relieve the tension. It is working. Their banter makes him feel better.

Only later he catches her expression when she is unaware that he is looking at her and realizes that it was an act. She is worried, most likely supposes that something related to the threats happened. Yet, she doesn't ask him about it because she promised not to do it.

That night, after they made love, Cal lies awake for a long time, staring into darkness.

Wednesday

His source tells him the name of the man in Gillian's apartment. Eli Loker. The name sounds harmless, just like his face. But the way Cal says his name in his head is anything but. Contempt. Hate. He doesn't know whether he will be able to control himself or not when he will actually speak to him face to face.

They pick up some more things at her apartment on their way back from work. Gillian takes the opportunity to show him around, something that didn't occur to her on Monday due to what happened that day. When they are in her bedroom, she kisses him. Cal doesn't know if she intends to take this any further. However, he makes sure nothing else happens because he hasn't checked yet whether her apartment is bugged since she is staying with him at the moment. First her living room, now her bedroom. He has barely been here and already they have ruined her apartment for him. He envisions knocking Eli Loker down although it doesn't help much. The damage is done.

Thursday

Cal finds out Eli Loker's whereabouts. Another time, his experience as an undercover agent works in his favor. Anyone else would probably not have been able to find out at all. He did it in less than an hour. For the first time, Cal feels as if he just gained the upper hand.

He is relieved that there were no more threats or ugly occurrences, hopes they believe that they have intimidated him and that he is suffering quietly, just as they want. Tomorrow he will confront Loker and find out who is after his blood.

Friday

Gillian calls him an hour after he drove her to work. He was about to leave and confront Loker. At first, Cal doesn't even recognize her voice because she is weeping bitterly. Panic surges up until he realizes she is not hurt. At least not physically. A dear friend of her died unexpectedly the previous night. One of the friends she lost and wanted to get in touch with again. They still had been friends online, members of the college network. That's why Gillian received a message when the news of her death were posted.

She is so upset that she doesn't even consider that this could be related to the current happenings. Of course she doesn't since Gillian doesn't know the men also threatened her. But Cal knows better. In situations like these, there are no coincidences. He offers to come by to pick her up, but she stubbornly insists on staying and finishing her work day as usual.

Confronting Loker is out of the picture as long as Cal doesn't know what is going on. It would be too risky. Either the death of Gillian's friend is, indeed, nothing but a coincidence or it is a warning and Cal doesn't dare to think about the consequences. Incapable of sitting at home, he drives to Gillian's office, waiting outside for her in his car. Cal doesn't care whether the men observe him or not; they know how much she means to him, anyway.

The call comes approximately three hours later. They enjoyed to make him wait.

"You could have asked me for his name," the voice on the other end of the line says. This time, the man doesn't hold a gun to his head. Yet the situation feels similar because it is about Gillian again.

"Nah. Would've been no fun." There is no use in denying anything.

"Why do you insist on making me angry, Lightman? Or should I say Dr. Lightman?" Obviously he caught up with Cal's academic history.

Cal doesn't respond. No response is expected. He is expected to listen.

"I think you got my message." Killing a friend of Gillian? Oh yes, he got the message – loud and clear. "Next time it will be her. Wait for my instructions how to repay your debt. No more detours."

His contact at the office must be the mole. Cal feels as if the rug has been pulled out from under his feet. In a world full of lies, there have to be a few people you can trust. Right now, though, it feels as if there are only two people left – Gillian and himself. The two of them against the rest of the world.

"Tell me what I did back then," Cal asks. It's the only unknown component. The only possible leverage point. The man still hasn't told him.

There is a pause at the other end of the line. "Tonight," the man says. "I will come to your house. Meet me outside and make sure she's asleep."

Then the line goes dead.

The sky has clouded over; it has gotten dark outside, but Cal doesn't bother to turn on the lights. Through the window he can see a bush in his front yard that allows whoever is standing between it and the house not to be seen from the street. He should probably cut it down. No not probably, definitely. Then again, it doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore.

Gillian is sleeping upstairs. Cal mixed half of a sleeping pill in her late-night tea. As much as she loves coffee, he has convinced her that drinking a cup of tea before going to bed is a good thing. A first common habit. If they don't forget about the tea because other activities push to the front, that is. He didn't want to knock her flat out, but he had to make sure that she won't wake up and realize he is not sleeping next to her. Given the circumstances, they both are light sleepers at the moment. Putting the sleeping pill in her tea felt like another of countless betrayals. It was in her interest, was meant to protect her. So is everything he does. It's the ultimate justification for lying to her without saying the actual words out loud and it's slowly killing him. The way she looks at him. Her trust he is abusing every day even if it's for a good cause. Does the end always justify the means? Cal has no idea.

The man sends him a text message shortly before midnight. They meet outside like secret lovers behind the bush in his front yard. The night is cold. When Cal sees the man, he knows that the time has come. He will tell him why he holds a grudge against him that has sclerotised over the years so that only Cal's death will be sufficient to make up for what happened more than a decade ago. Without a word, the man hands a photograph to Cal. It is worn due to the countless times he must have gotten it out and looked at it. It is a black and white photograph of a woman and a little boy. At first Cal thinks it is the man's family, his wife and son. Then he notices the clothing and that the picture has to be older.

"Your mother." It's a statement not a question. Cal feels certain.

"Yes."

The picture has to be 35 years old at least and still looking at it reopens old sores that never have healed. Even in the dark, Cal sees as much in the man's face.

"She always loved me more," the man says, clearly taking a trip down memory lane. "That's why my brother is not in the photo." His brother. The man who approached Gillian only a few feet from where they are standing right now. "My brother is... special. He doesn't feel love or loss like I do. They never had that bond." Interesting. Despite the contempt for his brother or at least for some of his character traits, the man seems to value whatever is left of his family. Blood is thicker than water and all that. "We don't have the same father, but we have always sticked together. Our fathers never cared about us; my mother taught me that I am responsible since I'm the older one," he confirms Cal's assumption.

"What happened to her?"

It's as if someone flipped the switch. "You happened to her," the man hisses."You won my money. Our money. It was all our family had left." The hands of the man start to shake. "We lost the house. She couldn't stand the humiliation."

Of all possible scenarios, that one wasn't on Cal's list – that he and the man who wants to see him dead share the same fate. "Your mother killed herself." It's written all over the man's face. A pain so deep that no time in the world will ever make it go away. Cal of all people knows that, his stomach turning when he remembers the day he learned that his mother committed suicide. "I'm awfully sorry." He ponders on sharing the story of his mother's death, but chances are high that the man won't believe him, think that he made it up, no matter the evidence.

Surprise. Confusion. Irritation. It's all there in the man's face before he settles for the only mood that helps him to bear the pain – anger. He came to take revenge. Cal's compassion won't change anything.

"You think that'll do?" he growls.

Cal doesn't point out that the money the man lost wasn't even his money in the first place because he had won it from Cal's friend before. Most likely, the man's family had been in a desperate situation for a long time. It's not difficult to imagine. One mother, barely keeping her family above water. Two sons, always on the verge of a criminal career. The story behind every suicide is unique and sad. The need for an explanation – to make out the event that must have triggered it, to find the person who is to blame – is human. In this case, the man found both, believing that making Cal pay for his alleged sin will restore the balance of nature and let his pain fade away. Save that it won't.

"Revenge won't bring her back," Cal gives it a try. This is the point of no return. It might be his only chance to negotiate whether he will live or die. His words seem to be of no use though.

"Revenge will make us even." An eye for an eye. His mother died. Cal can't live.

"Did your mother teach you that, too? Taking revenge?" It's a risky attempt, bound to anger the man even more, but he is running out of options.

"Don't you dare talk about my mother like that." It won't work. The man's ability to reflect on his actions regarding his mother's death has gotten lost long ago. Cal's hope to step in early, now that he knows what the threats are about, goes up in smoke.

"So what will do?" Cal asks. He already knows the answer – his death. Yet maybe there is some room left for negotiation. Maybe he can offer a finger, instead, or a limb, maybe even an eye to fulfill the proverb literally. He is ready to do that. But...

"You know," the man answers as expected. "There is only one thing that will do." The finality in his words and face tell Cal that there is no room for negotiation at all.

"OK then. Kill me." Cal spreads his arms. He hasn't lost his mind albeit it feels that way sometimes in between. Everything about this situation is surreal. However, the man won't kill him. Not tonight. Cal read it in his face as easily as the fact that he won't be satisfied with simply maiming him, probably would only enjoy it as macabre foreplay. It's not like him to give up though. Ever. If he can't talk to his opponent, then perhaps this will prompt a reaction that somehow tells him how to get through to the man.

His blunt words get Cal a reaction although not a helpful one. Until last he hoped that his opponent has a human side he could address. Except he hasn't. Not anymore. All Cal sees are sociopath markers.

"No." The man sneers. "You will do that for me."

Time stands still as the realization sinks in. If Cal hadn't noticed the shadows in their vicinity, telling him that the man didn't come alone, he would strangle him with his bare hands right now. Everyone has a greatest fear, and aside from losing the people closest to him, this is Cal's. The completely irrational fear that, against his better judgement, the risk to commit suicide is embedded in his genes, that he will do to Emily what his mother did to him one day. Cal most likely could take the man out before his men would get hold of him, but from then on he would be outnumbered, unable to protect Gillian who is sleeping inside and can't defend herself due to the effects of the sleeping pill.

"Forget it." This is the one thing Cal won't do. He won't burden his daughter with this. For a moment, he forgets that his life is in danger and Gillian's, too.

"Then don't." The man is eerily calm. "You have her." He gestures towards the house where Gill is sleeping the deep sleep of obliviousness. "And you have a daughter." That catches Cal off guard. It is no secret that he has an ex-wife and daughter but since they divorced a couple of years ago and don't even live in the same country, he hoped against all odds that they were safe, that the men didn't know about them. As if the threats against Gillian weren't bad enough. Now they are threatening his daughter, too. "You live. They die."

It is a cruel logic. The man lives with the pain his mother's death left behind. He wants revenge, wants Cal dead more than anything. But since Cal has to kill himself to make it count, the man is prepared to accept another kind of revenge that would leave Cal with the same kind of pain he is living with every day – losing the people closest to him – if Cal doesn't obey.

Zoe and Emily live in Japan. Zoe is working for an American company over there. When they offered her the job, she and Cal decided together that she would take it and take Emily with her. As difficult as it is for Cal to be separated from his daughter, they agreed that growing up in another country for a couple of years would be a magnificent experience for Emily. Zoe and he didn't work out as a couple, but they do work out as parents. Emily's well-being always comes first. Does the man have the resources to find and hurt Emily in Japan? Cal doubts that. Then again, she will come back in a few years and if the man has been holding on to his grudge for more than 20 years to take revenge, he definitely will hold on to it a while longer to get what he wants. Emily will never be safe and he will never be able to protect both of them – Gillian and Emily. Cal feels a numb resignation set in.

"Your choice," the man sums his cruel proposal up.

It's not a choice. It's an ultimatum.

"How much longer?" Cal asks. How much time does he have to decide? To say goodbye to Gillian. To Emily.

"Tomorrow," the man says. "The deadline expires at midnight."

24 hours are all Cal has left.

"At least tell me your name." Tell me your name so that I can find you in hell and kill you over and over again even if we both will already be dead by then, burning in an eternal hellfire.

The man hesitates. Then. "Sean Haige." He turns around and leaves, the darkness swallowing him up.

So this is how it is going to end. An eye for an eye. Cal consults his watch. Two hours have passed. Two hours during which he has done nothing but sit idly around, remembering things. Things that happened long ago as well as recently. Emily's first steps, her first words, how fragile, yet proud, she looked on her school enrollment. The first time he saw Gillian, the first time they made love, the moment he realized that he is willing to trade his life for hers. Time is up; he has to meet Gillian. Only when he rubs his face, he notices that it is wet. Cal doesn't remember crying. All he feels is this numbness. He is numb when he walks out, numb when he starts the engine and numb when he drives across the city to pick Gillian up.

This morning, as he had driven her to work, she caressed his cheek before she got out of the car. "Are you OK? You look sick."

He did, indeed, feel sick. Still does. There is only one way out. The thought is stuck in his head in an endless loop. How is a man supposed to feel and look who is about to make a decision that won't only break his heart? "I feel sick," he admitted. Cal hadn't slept, hadn't eaten, had passed up Gillian's offer to make his favorite breakfast as compensation for working on a Saturday. She had raised her eyebrows but hadn't commented on it any further.

"You should see a doctor on Monday if you're not feeling better then," she said worried and he could tell that she considered not going to work and staying with him, perhaps even started to suspect something was going on. Cal had to pull himself together. Otherwise she would see through his game.

"I will, luv. Don't worry. Just didn't sleep well." Cal managed a smile.

After another worried look, Gillian gave in and got out of the car.

Either way, Cal won't see a doctor on Monday. He is clutching at every straw, telling himself there is a slight chance that he might survive. If he is honest with himself, though, chances are that there will be no Monday for him.

- To be continued -

As to Gillian having no family or friends – I could be mistaken, but the show left me with the impression that Gillian practically didn't exist outside of The Lightman Group and I kind of picked up on that idea (even if I didn't like it). Aside from the one episode (Honey) in which Cal visits her and stays over night (what we never got to see...), she didn't even have a home as far as the screenwriters were concerned. The different treatments her and Cal's character received in this respect always made me angry. Anyways...

Thank you so much to everyone who still is around reading and reviewing this.