A/N: For the general setting of the story see the A/N of the prologue.
This chapter is alternately narrated from Gillian's and Cal's perspective. I thought this would be fitting as it leads up to the beginning of the story. As announced, there is more angst. At this point of the story there has to be. You have no idea how much I long for writing some Callian happiness but not yet.
Rating due to content and language. Parts of this chapter are a strong T or even light M. So please only read it if it's appropriate for your age.
Thanks a bunch to the handful of people who are still reading and reviewing this. To the reviewer CocoGuest: I hope you are reading this since it's the only way I can get back to you. Thank you for leaving such lovely reviews to this story and my other story "At that time...". :)
The usual disclaimer applies (see prologue).
- Time Is Running Out -
Gillian quarrels with herself. She promised Cal not to ask him what is going on regarding the threats. But almost an entire week has passed since then and it bothers her that he is keeping her in the dark, not telling her anything. Somehow she had assumed that he would at least share this or that with her when she made the promise.
When he drove her to work in the morning, looking pale and acting oddly, she thought he had slept fitfully or might come down with the flu. When he picks her up a couple of hours later, Cal is completely rattled though. It drives her crazy to be bound to her promise. Gillian can't tell whether he is sick, got threatened again (without her being aware of it; the mere thought stings her) or is simply having a bad day. The fact that they are practically living together creates the illusion that they know each other whereas the truth is that they don't, no matter how close and intense their relationship is.
During their drive home Cal keeps talking to a minimum and avoids looking at her – at least when she is looking at him. Every time she is looking somewhere else, Gillian feels Cal's gaze on her skin. His behavior makes her edgy; when he misses the keyhole twice before he manages to unlock his front door, she has had enough. Something is utterly wrong.
"I'm not going to break my promise. I won't ask you about the threats and what is done about them," Gillian talks to Cal's back as she follows him inside, closing the door behind her. "But I need to know what's going on with you. You look like hell and you behave like a stranger."
Cal hears Gillian's words; she is talking to him in this gentle, affectionate way that makes her tone of voice so unique and soothing. Today, though, every word is like a pinprick, scratching his skin. Of course, she notices something is going on. His avoiding tactics only worked so far and no further. What happened yesterday and last night was simply too much. First the death of her friend. Cal comforted Gillian, let her have a good cry, when she eventually was home with him. Then the meeting at night with his nemesis that made sleeping afterwards an impossible task. He sat in bed, wide awake, and watched Gillian sleep soundly next to him due to the sleeping pill he had mixed in her tea as he was musing about Sean's words and the deadline that is approaching soon. Cal is exhausted and not able to hide his fear and pain any longer. The irrevocable decision that provides the only way out so that Gillian and Emily can live a safe life is tearing him apart. Cal turns around to face Gillian, her caring expression telling him that she is aware of his inner disunity.
He is way beyond the point where he can hide that something is wrong; there is no use in denying the obvious. "Something has come up. I have to handle it tonight." Cal can't contact Sean directly; so he left his contact at the office a message for Sean while Gillian was at work. Since the mole had sold him out, Cal decided that he can just as well use him for his purposes. Sean for sure didn't expect Cal to contact him before the deadline expiration but to stall for time as long as possible instead.
Cal watches Gillian's inner fight on her face. His words scare her. Yet she can't ask him about the details without breaking her promise and she won't do that. Part of him wishes she would, ponders on whether he would tell her if she asked him outright or not. He will never find out. She breaks eye contact, tearing up.
"This is torture, Cal. I thought that things were handled, that there have been no more threats, but now..." Gillian swallows, wringing her hands. Then she continues to talk in a whisper, "I have so many questions. I am so afraid."
As she is speaking the last words, Cal closes the distance between them and enfolds her in his arms. Gillian clings to him as if her life depended on him. The irony is not lost on Cal that it actually does.
"I am so sorry, luv," he mumbles into her hair. So sorry that I told the man who wants to see me dead that he can come and watch me die tonight. Cal doesn't know as yet whether he plans his suicide or a trap. He hopes for the latter, of course, but at this point both is possible. Cal received a phone call last night after he had met Sean from the last person he had expected to call him – his friend Terry.
Heard you're in trouble, mate. Always the same. You can't stay out of it. As if they had spoken hours ago last and not more than 20 years.
Somehow Terry had gotten wind of Cal trying to contact him. Somehow Terry always gets wind of things. It was always like that. Terry is the missing link. The one person, aside from Gillian, Cal can trust but unlike Gillian Cal can factor Terry into the hopeless situation. Now that Cal knows Sean's name, he has a much better chance of tracing him. He can't do it alone though. The deadline will force Cal to kill himself before he will be able to take Sean and his brother out if he wants to prevent Gillian from being killed in his place. There is no use in shading the truth. After having met Sean the previous night, Cal is aware that nothing he will ever say or do will make the man stop. And given the stalemate that he can't inform any officials about the threats because he doesn't know who to trust, the only way Cal can survive and assure Gillian's and Emily's safety is if Sean and his brother die.
Terry is already in on it. He is here, in Washington. It feels like old times save that it wasn't about life or death when they were young. Most of the time, it was about winning or losing money, committing the one or other minor crime, and having fun. Except that one time when they did something really stupid and the police caught one of them – Cal. He didn't squeal on Terry, was prepared to take the blame. It would have meant prison time and would have been the end of his scientific career before it even had begun, but Terry already had a criminal record and would have had to face a much longer sentence. In the end, Cal was plain lucky. Evidence got lost and the proceedings were closed. The fact remains, though, that Terry owes him and is here to return the favor albeit Cal never would have demanded it. Then again, if there ever was a time when it would have been justified to do so, it is now.
Gillian lets Cal lead her to the couch so that they can sit down.
I am so sorry, luv. His words made her stomach turn. They were worse than any factual information because they implied her greatest fear – that he is in danger. He told her that he has to handle something tonight. At first Gillian tried to convince herself that it could be a good thing, that whatever he has to do might help to end the danger. But his apology sounded like a goodbye just in case.
She doesn't care about the promise anymore. It was meant to protect Cal from having to lie to her, but this is worse than lying. Gillian has to know. "Cal...," she starts when he silences her with a kiss so tender and yet so passionate that it makes her gasp.
He intended to comfort her, hold her until she would calm down. The moment they had sat down and he caught Gillian in his arms again, felt her cling to him, Cal's body began to act on his own accord though and now he is kissing her. She is surprised and hesitates briefly before she kisses him back. He knows that she was about to break her promise. Her face told him so even if that wasn't the reason for the kiss. It wasn't a deliberate distraction but a necessity. Just as he needs to take the next breath, he needed to kiss her. Cal is aware that it is equally passion and desperation that made him do it. However, he can't stop. And when he takes the lead, she follows.
She should stop him. It's obvious that he decided to let his body do the talking instead of actually having to talk to her. But then Cal continues to kiss her, his hands exploring her body, and it's familiar, yet, different. By now, they made love quite often and it was different each time – quick, slow, gentle, rough, albeit always passionate. This is a different passion, though, because he is different. Cal is desperate – the way his fingers dig into her skin, the way he holds her so tight that she can barely breathe.
He pulls her toward him so that she slips onto his lap. His hands fumble around with her blouse until they find skin underneath. Aside from that there is no undressing. Cal's lips assault the tender skin of her neck and cleavage; for once he doesn't seem to care about leaving his mark. Actually he doesn't seem to care about anything except being close to her. It is as irritating as flattering, and moreover, as intense as she ever has seen him. Desperate. Intense. She should be reasonable. There are a million thoughts in Gillian's head, so many unspoken words lingering on her tongue, but he is the sexiest, most exceptional man she has ever been with and when he reaches for her panties, she decides that words have to wait.
Gillian can tell that Cal is already close even if they just started, so far gone that she knows she won't be able to catch up with his arousal. No matter how much she enjoys this, the circumstances – most of all his different behavior – distract her so that she is not able to concentrate on her pleasure.
Everything hurts. The pleasure floods through his veins with every move of their bodies, but the pain won't stop. The details of what is happening are razor-sharp – her beads of sweat he licks off and that taste oh-so-sweet, the strands of her hair that tickle his skin and smell like heaven. Still nothing is enough. His touch turns into a firm grip, his kisses into hardly mitigated bites. Only when Gillian groans and he realizes that he must have hurt her, Cal wills himself to dial it down a notch. She is the last person he wants to hurt; he only longs for losing himself in her completely so that he can forget about everything. Maybe then time will stop and he won't have to leave her, won't have to go to the abandoned building where Sean will meet him to watch him die.
In between, Cal notices that Gillian has not kept up with him, but just as he wants to slow things down for her benefit, she pushes down hard and he can't hold out any longer.
Gillian doesn't move, simply holds him as he comes down to earth. When Cal becomes aware that this was only about his pleasure, he wants to change position so that he can do something about it. This never happened before.
"No." Gillian stops him. "It doesn't matter. That's not what this was about."
He looks at her face but breaks eye contact immediately because what he sees there is too much for him to handle right now. Pure, unadulterated love. She could as well stab a knife right through his heart. Cal loves Gillian. You don't risk your life for anything less than love. He didn't know until now, though, that she loves him, too. He has hoped for it. Yet, seeing proof of it in her face is an entirely different matter. It makes everything so much better and so much worse. Talk about bad timing.
For a brief, horrible moment Cal wishes they weren't in love, that Gillian were just a good fuck and that he didn't care whether she lived or died so that he only would have to worry about saving Emily. It's a twisted logic, but in a way Gillian will be responsible if Emily loses her father. Then a bruise on Gillian's neck where he kissed her a bit too hard leaps to Cal's eyes and he loathes himself – for thinking things like that, for abusing her body for his own desperate lust.
Gillian's hands embrace his face and gently force him to look at her. "What is going on, Cal? Tell me, please."
Cal watches her eyes study his face, searching for a clue, but years of experience as an undercover agent have trained his pokerface and she sees nothing. Maybe it's better this way. She doesn't know he loves her. If he dies tonight, her last memory of him will be a man who slept with her for his own pleasure, physically hurting her, and on top of it refusing to tell her anything, adding emotional pain to the mix. She will have a much better chance of forgetting him than if he gives in to his feelings, tells her everything and confesses his love.
"I can't." It takes all the energy and willpower Cal can muster to grab her hands and pull them away from his face, ignoring her hurt expression in the process. When she doesn't react, he grabs her shoulders and pushes her back, away from him, so that she has to stand up in order not to stumble and fall.
"What are you doing?" Gillian stood up but doesn't move otherwise, watching him as if he had grown a second head. He never treated her like that before. It gets to her more than his insistence not to tell her what is going on.
"I have to go." Cal stands up, too, so that Gillian has to step back to make room for him.
He walks past her without so much as looking at her, awkwardly fumbling around with his pants. Then he takes his jacket, the untraceable cell phone and his car keys. It is much too early to drive to the abandoned building, but he can't stay any longer. If he will, there is no way he won't spill it all out, tell her everything, tell her he loves her, and then what? Things won't take a turn for the better. Gillian won't let him go through with his hazardous plan, and as a consequence, the danger they are in will even increase. She will be hurt either way. As long as Cal has a say in this, he will at least choose the way to hurt her that guarantees she stays alive.
"Where are you going? Cal?" Gillian approaches him when he continues to ignore her, grabbing his arm to hold him back. This makes him stop. He can't move on without having to tear her hand away and even Cal's determination has its limits.
"Let me go." He stares at the door, at the floor, anywhere but at her.
"Look at me," she hisses, tugging at his arm. And another time when he doesn't react. "Look. At. Me." He does.
Gillian is so confused, hurt and angry that her entire body is trembling. "What could be that bad that you can't tell me? That you felt the need to make love to me like that and put on such an act to make me back off?"
So she saw through him, after all, even if she doesn't know the details.
"Well, I have a message for you, Cal," Gillian continues, getting more and more unflinching with every word she says. "I won't back off because no matter what happened and no matter what kind of plan your brilliant mind has come up with, I bet everything that it includes various details how to keep me safe and not one to make sure that you are."
Cal loves that Gillian is such a fighter, that she is willing to fight for him. Unfortunately, it doesn't change anything. There is no wrong or right, no black or white. Cal's world has been dipped in a stained gray, and in the end, it all comes down to his earlier thoughts. If he tells her, things won't take a turn for the better. Quite the contrary. Gillian is right. The aim is to make sure that she will still be alive when the night is over. Nothing else matters. The loss of his life is a risk Cal has taken into account as part of his plan. Admitting that her assumption is, in fact, correct will only make things worse because he has to leave the plan unchanged. There is no other option.
He reaches out his hand, covering hers that is holding on to his arm and gently pulling her hand away. Her eyes follow his every move. It feels as if everything happens in slow motion. Forgive me. Cal wishes Gillian could read him, but she can't and he can't bring himself to actually say the words. They are stuck in his throat. He slowly releases her hand, stroking her fingers in doing so. Gillian watches him mesmerized and Cal takes the chance to catch her off-guard and get under way quickly. He is out of the door and has locked it behind him from outside before she is able to react.
It will give him the head start he needs. She didn't expect that and it will take her a while to get her spare keys and unlock the door. Cal jumps in his car and drives off. There are explosives in the trunk of his car. That's why he took her car when he picked her up from work earlier. She didn't wonder because he had done it before albeit the reason for taking her car in these instances had been that he loves the smell of her perfume lingering in the air and not that he didn't want her and dangerous goods to be in the same car.
There are two options. First, Terry will call him and tell him that he traced Sean and his brother and that they have a chance to take them out before the deadline expires on midnight. Second, Cal has to pretend that he accepts Sean's sick plan and will commit suicide to save Gillian and his daughter. He has already set that option in motion by informing Sean where and when his suicide will take place. Of course, it's not that simple. Cal knows that Sean will check and secure the place. The man is vengeful but not stupid. Just because Cal let him know that he had given in and will kill himself, he won't believe it and will make sure that it's not a trap. That's why Cal gave him a wrong address. Once Sean will have wasted enough time on checking and securing the place, an errand boy Cal paid in advance will deliver a message with the correct address. By this time, Cal will already be there, having prepared the trap. One of Cal's many emergency plans include a solid stock of explosives in his garage. Since Emily is not living with him anymore, he considered it acceptable to store it there. Better to keep a close eye on it. Even on the black market, it is very difficult to buy explosives under the radar these days due to continuous monitoring. Sean would have found out if Cal had bought some but since he already had it, Sean has no idea what kind of trap he will walk into. So on the upside, Sean might suspect a shoot-out and will for sure bring some of his men as backup. However, he won't be prepared for that. On the downside, Cal's trap could just as well kill him, too. It's complicated to calculate the range of an explosion if you are no expert. Cal isn't and had no time to consult one. He has to trust the marginal experience he has with explosives due to his time in the field.
And that's why he couldn't tell Gillian. He has a 50:50 chance to survive. At best. And there is nothing she could do to enhance it. Either he survives or he doesn't. Telling her would mean to expose her to even more emotional turmoil than she is already in. It's a vicious cycle. Gillian will be mad at him one way or the other – whether he survives or not. Cal hopes, though, that in the former case her relief will outweigh her rage so that she will forgive him eventually.
Cal grabs the steering wheel firmer as he remembers what just happened between them. It was no conscious decision but an act of desperation to sleep with Gillian. It was a conscious decision, though, albeit a spontaneous one, to treat her badly afterwards to make her distance herself from him. A foolish plan. Although Gillian can't read micro expressions, she is a psychologist and can read people, at least to some extent. Let alone that at some point after his meeting with Sean and his sleepless night, Cal lost the ability to hide his desperate, frantic state. By now, 99% of what he does is improvisation and as it turned out not always a good one. Cal consults his watch. There will be enough time left to write an e-mail to Gillian via his cell phone (even if he hates doing that, the tiny keypad drives him crazy every time he has to use it). He can't leave her behind like that, nagging thoughts tormenting her. He has to explain everything to her now that she knows something is going on. Nevertheless, Cal won't tell her that she is the main reason for his dangerous plan. He doesn't want to burden her with the knowledge for the rest of her life that he sacrificed himself for her. Instead, he will tell her he did it for Emily and make sure the mail will only be sent tomorrow so that he can delete it if he still is breathing in a couple of hours. As to Emily, Cal deposited a letter for her at his attorney who is also the executor of his testament years ago when he decided to become an undercover agent. He couldn't have gone undercover without the certainty that in case of his death Emily will know what she means to him and hear all the words he will never be able to say to her in writing.
Darkness sets in and it starts to rain; the surroundings get poorer. He is almost there.
Gillian is furious. Her hands are shaking when she eventually finds the spare keys and unlocks the front door. Cal's car is gone. Of course. She heard him drive away. Gillian wastes no time looking for her jacket even if it has gotten cold outside now that the sun has set. She just runs to her car, simultaneously dialing Cal's number. When she hears his phone ring inside, she stops, not understanding it at first. She saw him take a phone with him when he went out. Then the realization sinks in. Cal has a second phone she knows nothing about. More secrets. Gillian gets in her car and starts the engine, dialing another number. A male voice answers.
"Jack? It's Gillian. Remember when I told you that I would call in a favor one day? This is it."
What was Cal thinking when he locked her in? What is he about to do? This stupid, wonderful, crazy man. Whatever it is, she won't let him do it alone.
- To be continued -
Next chapter: We're back at the start. Finally! Who will survive the explosion?