Who's the Dummy Now...? (BtVS/MASH)

Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or MASH. They belong to Joss Whedon and Larry Gelbart respectively. There are also specific spoiler for the episode War of Nerves. The song Suicide is Painless (upon which the song parody is based) belongs to Johnny Mandel.

Ever wonder what Sid was like before he became a dummy? Ever wonder what that Korean slayer was like? Ever wonder what its like to be a slayer caught in a human war zone? If so, all of your questions will soon be answered.

Through early morning fog I see
Visions of my destiny
And those that fought the dark 'fore me
I'm humbled by their bravery

One girl in all the world
Her destiny unfurled
A chosen one who is called to defend the weak

See, I'm the one, picked by fate
To stem the tide of the dark and hate
I block the way to Satan's gate
With sword and spear and staff and stake

One girl in all the world
Her destiny unfurled
A chosen one who is called to defend the weak

The monsters here are hard to slay
I've gotta kill them anyway
As bombs and bullets fall like rain
Hurting both slayer and slain

One girl in all the world
Her destiny unfurled
A chosen one who is called to defend the weak

My sword will pierce thick demon skins
And that is when the fun begins
But such does not seal up the win
For who prevails amongst such sin?

One girl in all the world
Her destiny unfurled
A chosen one who is called to defend the weak

A brave man came to rescue me
He had my back in each melee
And after that he talked with me
He didn't watch, oh no, not he!

One girl in all the world
Her destiny unfurled
A chosen one who is called to defend the weak

Korea, the Front Lines, Somewhere near Uijeongbu
December 22nd 1951

The explosion of a mortar near their foxhole had both Sid and Tom dropping to the ground hard as fragments scattered about. Sid winced as he felt blood welling at his scalp and then fought back an even deeper wince when he saw Tom, laid out on the ground, his legs mangled pretty bad by shrapnel.

Seeing his patient in such bad shape, Sid reached into the medical bag that he had brought with him and began to do first aid. Medical school had been a long time ago and Sid was not the type to typically treat wounded. He was a psychiatrist for God's sake. He healed the mind, not the body. Still, if he couldn't stabilize the boy then the mind would no longer be an issue. And so Sidney sat in the foxhole, bleeding from his forehead, trying desperately to remember standard first aid whist bullets flew overhead, distracting his usually excellent memory.

It took some time, but Sidney finally was satisfied that Tom was going to make it, assuming they got him to a MASH fairly quickly. So Sidney leaned down to talk to his patient, attempting to sooth the already frightened young man. "I have to leave for a moment to find another medic Tom."

The blond kid offered a pleading look. "Please, Doc. Don't leave me here."

Sidney shook his head. "I've got to, Tom. You need more help then I can give you right now. I'll be back very soon. I promise."

Sidney was in such a rush to save the boy's life that he failed to note the angry and betrayed look that crossed the youth's face.

Sidney cursed softly as he found the mangled body of the former unit medic, Albert Wilder, and steeled himself to just snatch the man's intact medical bag and leave the corpse to lie there. It was hard for a doctor to live with, but the war had branded one truth into him for all time. Help the living first.

Bobbing and weaving between foxholes, Sid took a circuitous rout back to Tom in the foxhole. It was on that long route that he came across a dead British soldier. Normally Sid might have continued on, but the manner of death was both strange and horrifying. The poor sap had terrible lacerations across his body that did not look like they were caused by shrapnel.

And that was when he saw a scene that would haunt his nightmares for years to come. A monstrous-looking human was standing over a badly wounded Korean girl, blood smearing the maddened-looking soldier's face. "Die Slayer!"

Sheer instinct had Sidney slamming the salvaged medical bag hard across the man's head. The psychotic-seeming soldier turned to Freedman, glaring mockingly. Did you actually think that I would be hurt by that, Blood Bag? That would have barely even affected me when I was alive."

The psychiatrist froze in confusion. The man was implying he was already dead? Ridiculous. The man was really lost in the woods and judging by the mess that was the deceased British soldier, the man was likely beyond redemption. Sidney opened his mouth to speak but did not. There was really nothing to be said.

The mad soldier's face became grotesque as he coiled himself to leap at Sidney. Unfortunately for the man in question, it was only then that he felt a piercing sensation occur in his chest. The vampire glared at the young slayer in mute protest before he exploded into ash. He had taken his eyes off the prize and had paid the price for his arrogance.

Sidney stood there for a long moment trying to collect his thoughts. The man had just burst into ash when the girl had killed him by putting a stake through his chest. Absurd. And yet that was the reality of the situation.

It took a moment, but Sidney finally managed to pull himself together and move to help the girl. "Do you speak English?"

The girl nodded somewhat incoherently. She was bleeding pretty heavily from the neck. It was a miracle she'd been able to kill that… whatever it was.

Sidney grabbed the salvaged medical bag from where it had fallen after hitting the monster and began patching the girl's wounds. "I'm Sid. What's your name?"

The girl's eyes gained a little more focus as she apparently tried to recall the answer to the question. "Kim Li."

As he continued to patch her wounds, Sid continued speaking to keep the girl conscious. "Do you know who that was?"

The girl's expression morphed into hatred. "He was a vampire, you dummy! How could you not know?"

Sid snorted softly at the idea of any doctor being called a dummy. He thought about her assertion and decided to put it out of his mind for the moment. First he had to stabilise Kim. Then he had to get her and Tom out of this nightmare. After that maybe he could think about impossible things like vampires. "Maybe I am a dummy, Sweetie. Time will tell."

Good luck, folks.

Note: Do not use a Sidney/Kim 'ship. Just don't. As far as I'm concerned those implications were a result od Sid being mixed up in the head from too many years as a dummy.

Anyone who'd like to pick up this plot please drop me a line via the reviews and it'll be all yours.

Jasper