A/N: For the general setting of the story see the A/N of the prologue.

After the suspense of the last chapters, I thought it would be the right time to slow the story down a bit and give the development of the characters some room to show how Cal and Gillian are affected by the events. It starts in this chapter with Cal and will continue in the next with Gillian. Therefore you could consider these as transitional chapters that take the story from action to aftermath and beyond. Enjoy!

Thank you for your lovely, thoughtful reviews. For once, I haven't managed to respond personally to everyone and promise to catch up with that during the following days.

The usual disclaimer applies (see prologue).

- Cal -

After everything that happened – his and Gillian's almost death, the secrets and lies, let alone the fact that he deliberately killed several men (he doesn't even know how many, but the fact that either of them was a son or brother or father or husband makes him wince of guilt), however, after all that, Cal should be devastated, broken, whereas he is not. The guilt is real; Cal has no idea how he is supposed to live with what happened. That is something he will deal with later though. Right now, he feels eerily calm as if his fate had always been planning to lead him to that moment inside of an abandoned building where he had to make a decision about life or death to save the people he loves.

Cal's life has always been rather the equivalent of a violent storm than of a smooth sea. All his life, he has been carrying the storm along, but now, for the first time, it feels as if he is the eye of it, as if he controls it. It doesn't make things better or easier. That's just the way it is. Cal has been reacting most of the time during the last weeks, bloody hell, most of the time during his entire life. But the terrible occurrences, particularly of the last 48 hours, set something in motion. Interesting that it never happened as long as it only was his life in danger as an undercover agent. It took his fear to lose Gillian and Emily to realize what he really wants. He no longer merely wants to exist (and he has realized that this is what he has been doing for far too long); he is done with reacting. Cal wants to live. And he will act in order to do so.

He is interested in reading people and micro expressions. More than interested, actually; you might as well call it an obsession. That's why he's so good at it, brilliant in fact, and yet, here he is working for an agency that doesn't esteem his skills and hides his pre-published book in the back row of the internal library. He wants to have a family albeit his first attempt was a failure. Cal doesn't regret it, never will because Emily came out of it. They should have known, though, that an unplanned pregnancy is not the best starting position for a longterm commitment given how different Zoe and he are. Enough passion for an affair, not enough love for a marriage, perhaps it never was love in the first place. Howsoever, he wants to have a family, and yet, here he is working undercover. Something that guarantees him weeks or months away from home. The perfect job so as not to meet someone and settle. Cal has perfected his ability to adapt to difficult circumstances to the point at which he is not only able to trick everybody else into believing that he is always in charge but also himself while the truth is that most of it is an act to compensate his insecurities regarding what he is allowed to expect from life after a tough childhood that ended with the suicide of his mother. Don't expect too much, don't want too much because it can be taken away from you any time. Let alone that there is always this nagging voice in his head that keeps asking him whether he deserves it or not whenever something good happens to him.

Like when he met Gillian. But when it was all or nothing in that abandoned building – only him and the abyss, so to speak – when he had already accepted his death, Cal heard Gillian scream his name. In that brief moment after he had heard her scream and before he passed out due to the lack of oxygen, his certainty that it had been the right decision to accept the loss of his life in exchange for Gillian and Emily being able to live was ripped apart. And it wasn't because Gillian could have been another, inadvertent collateral damage in a cruel, indifferent world despite all of his efforts. It was because her scream, her voice, somehow made him connect with himself. He had been so eager to point at his life or rather the loss of it as the perfect solution for the situation. Don't expect too much, don't want too much because it can be taken away from you any time. You don't deserve it, anyway. The self-fulfilling prophecy. Save that the love in Gillian's voice, even if overshadowed by fear, let Cal take a glimpse at what else he could have in his life if he only allowed himself to reach out for it.

Gillian loves him. She was there with him regardless of the consequences. They probably would have found another, better way to handle the threats if he had confided in her. Instead, Cal had been so convinced that he was bound to lose her either way (because fate would never let him keep her in his life) that he had fallen back into his old behavioral pattern. A pattern that doesn't care about his own life, the one life he has never considered worth saving. Until now. Because if she cares so much about him, maybe it is. What if, for once, he doesn't let his fears of loss decide on what happens next? What if he breaks the cycle of his unhealthy tendencies of living too close to the fire and self-destruction? Cal intends to keep Gillian in his life. Permanently. And that will be only the first of more changes to come. Take that, life! I'm still here, he thinks with a grim determination. And you have no idea what I have in mind.

It's almost sunrise. Cal is driving even if every move gives him a wince of pain. He didn't get any sleep last night. There were bigger fish to fry like surviving, making sure that the one brother wouldn't finish the scheme of revenge the other brother had started.

But first things first.

Sometime during the last hours he met his best friend after more than twenty years and had to say goodbye to him immediately after. They won't be able to meet again. At least not in the near future. Maybe not for another twenty years. He had called Terry from Jack's phone. Terry is not a man of many words, but he had been even more silent than usual, just had given him an address where Cal should meet him.

It was an odd reunion. Below a bridge in the middle of the night. A brief hug and then back to business. All the while Rader was sitting in his car, watching them.

"It's over," Terry said.

Cal wanted to ask what that meant, how Terry had handled it so that it was over now. Had he found a way to convince Sean's brother to stop from proceeding with their plan of revenge? Since Sean obviously had been the brains, it was within the realm of possibility that his brother didn't care as much about going through with it. Then again, Sean had been killed by the man he had considered their worst enemy. If that fact ever came to light, Cal's life and the lives of his loved ones would have been in danger again in the blink of an eye.

After more than twenty years, Cal had trouble reading Terry. Too many emotions involved. Let alone that he didn't want to see the truth even if there was no way around it. When he eventually forced himself to study Terry's facial features in the dim light that were exhausted beyond anything he had ever seen in the face of his friend, Cal knew. Terry had returned the favor. Sean's brother was dead. Years ago, Cal had been ready to go to prison to spare Terry life without the possibility of parole, and now, Terry had decided what he was willing to offer in return. More than what Cal would have asked for. Ever.

"Don't know what to say, mate," Cal mumbled.

"Name your firstborn son after me and we're even," Terry quipped albeit the smile didn't reach his eyes.

There was nothing else to say. No words would have been sufficient. So they only hugged briefly another time and that was that. Cal walked back to the car with a limp, his ribs aching more and more with every breath. When he turned around to take one last look at his friend, Terry was already gone, the nightly surroundings mist-covered as if Cal was walking through one of his dreams.

After that he was patched up by a doctor Rader knows. Of course, that smug, arrogant bugger knows someone who was capable of taking care of his injuries so that he could avoid any hospitals and the attention it could have brought along in light of the explosion. One more thing he owes bloody Captain America. The doctor, if he actually is a real one, did a good job as far as Cal can tell. He even gave him some painkillers although Cal insisted on light ones so as not to interfere with his ability to think and act coherently. The last thing he needs right now is turning his brain into mush. Despite his physical condition – his injuries, the pain and the sleep deprivation – all of Cal's senses are on high alert. No more solo actions or misdeterminations.

He somehow convinced Rader to leave his car to him so that he can go and see Gillian. During the few moments in which he is able to forget his instant dislike for Jack Rader, Cal is grateful for what the man did. He wouldn't have had to chauffeur him across town all night, but he did. This is something Cal needs to do alone though. He can't have Rader tag along with him when he is going to see Gillian.

Cal is quite lucky under the circumstances that most of his injuries are hidden underneath his clothes or covered by his hair in case of his head wound that required stitches. There are only a few minor bruises visible in his face. Every move hurts, but an innocent bystander won't notice. The one thing he can't change is that he reeks of smoke even if he cleaned himself up a bit. Nevertheless, Cal doesn't have the patience to go home to change clothes and shower first. He needs to see Gillian.

She is not in intensive care. That's good. For more than one reason. He wouldn't have been able to get to her there. Only family and all that jazz. Cal asks his way until he finds her room and sneaks in unseen. He doesn't need a lecture about visiting hours right now. Gillian is asleep, looking fragile in an oversized hospital gown. There is a nasty bruise on her face but aside from that he can't see anything that points to severe injuries – no cast and also no tubes other than the usual one with most likely a tasty blend of painkillers and sleeping pills.

Cal gets closer to the bed albeit he is reluctant to touch Gillian. I'm so sorry, luv. His heart sinks at the sight of her, followed by a moment of nagging doubt. He almost killed her. How can it possibly be a good thing that he wants to keep her in his life if he exposes her to danger? Just then she stirs in her sleep as if she knows he is there. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to meet Emily, Cal remembers her words. He wants the same and there still is time. They still have time. All the time in the world to be exact. The threats are no longer there. It's only the two of them and their decision how to continue with their lives. Exhaustion and relief flood through Cal as the realization slowly sets in that it is really over. They made it; they survived. And then something else mixes with it. An unfamiliar, yet warm, feeling. Cal felt like that before when they made love for the first time and perhaps the one or other moment in between when he spent time with Gillian. He feels as if he has come home.

He would love to lay down next to her, but Cal is too afraid that he would wake or hurt her. Let alone that his maltreated body probably wouldn't allow him to do it in the first place. Therefore Cal settles for sitting down beside the bed, taking Gillian's hand and intertwining their fingers. He is fast asleep before his head hits the pillow next to her shoulder.

- To be continued -