A/N: For the general setting of the story see the A/N of the prologue.

Time flies. Several weeks without an update (again) - my only apology being that this year started much more crazy than I expected so that I'm always running low on time to write.

All the more I want to thank the few, kind souls that are still reading this and leave those wonderful reviews. Be assured that I appreciate it without end. This also goes for ChloeTK and CocoGuest who was right, by the way. This story is, indeed, nearing its end. I have planned two more chapters after this one. But don't be sad. Originally I intended this chapter to be the last; so there will at least be two more. I realized that I want to show some parts of Cal's and Gillian's new life together before I will leave them to their own devices.

The usual disclaimer applies (see prologue).

- A New Life, Part One: The Book -

There are days like these...

When Gillian stops her car in front of Cal's house, she hears music coming from inside even before she turns the engine off. The music is loud. Obviously someone has a lot of energy today. Cal's record collection is his trend indicator. Most people prefer different music genres depending on their current mood, but Cal goes the extra mile, as always. By now Gillian knows that each single record Cal owns is dedicated to a certain mood or task. Classical music for cooking when he is cheerful, jazz music for profound conversations while sipping at a glass of wine, rock music for brainstorming or anything else that requires his unleashed creativity. She found one record of soul music. Marvin Gaye's Sexual Healing. When she asked him about it, Cal mumbled something about a bottle of Scotch and a lost bet. She will get him to tell her one day. There must be a reason why he kept the record as a memory. However, today seems to be a day for rock music. Most likely Cal suffers from writer's block and doesn't know how to continue with his book. It is not the first time.

"Cal?" she calls his name as she opens the front door. It is a futile effort. There is no chance he is able to hear her.

Gillian traverses the living room carefully so as not to step on one of the photographs showing various micro expressions or sheets of paper with his notes that are lying scattered on the floor everywhere. Eventually, she reaches his phonograph and turns the music off.

"Cal?" she tries again.

He appears upstairs, coming out of the room that she lovingly furnished as her study. Oh no!

"Please tell me that you didn't scatter your stuff in there, too," she whines. It was the only room in the house that had been spared from the mess. Until she left this morning, that is.

Cal makes a face, turning up the palms of his hands as he shrugs. A half-hearted apology. She should have known that it was only a matter of time. His creative chaos versus her thorough tidiness.

"Oh Cal, come on. You promised me that you'd spare my room," she complains. Gillian brought paperwork with her. She hoped that he also would be busy so that they both could work for some time until dinner, but not like this. Gillian takes a deep breath.

"I have to finish these today," she raises the files she is carrying under her arm. "So I'll drive over to my place, finish them there, and then come back."

"I could clean up," Cal offers, pointing his thumb backwards at her study. It is a fake offer. He hopes she will say no and knows she heard that.

"Nice try," she snorts, slightly irritated by his behavior but forgiving him at the same moment. He is under a lot of pressure. Gillian turns around to leave. "You will have to make that up to me later."

"Aye," he responds excited. "Already have the one or other thing in mind." This time he tells the truth. Gillian has already turned her back on Cal, but she notices the smile in his voice as well as his anticipation.

"Could you please turn the music back on?" He is still standing upstairs. Photographs and papers are even scattered all over the stairs. The fleeting thought crosses Gillian's mind that she can consider herself lucky if he is still alive when she comes back and didn't break his neck on his way downstairs because he slipped and fell.

Gillian flinches as the music roars through the house again and says a silent apology to Cal's neighbors. She makes a mental note to give them a copy of his book for free as compensation should it ever be published.

And there are nights like these...

When Gillian wakes up, she immediately can tell that Cal is not sleeping next to her. She has gotten used to it by now – his nightmares, his absence when he can't fall asleep again. Her subconsciousness recognizes the vacancy even before her fumbling hand comes in contact with the cold sheets on his side of the bed. Only when she wakes up three hours later and he still isn't there, she gets worried. This has never happened before.

Once a week, Cal sees a psychologist. He started several weeks ago, and as expected, nightmares and insomnia have been occurring more frequently ever since. Talking about fears and worries he buried deeply within to make sure that he could deny their existence set something in motion, and it usually gets worse before the healing process begins. Cal told Gillian about his nightmares of her falling down and dying. She wasn't surprised. Gillian knows about the suicide of his mother, and being a psychologist, she is aware that Cal will always feel guilty that he did not see it coming, let alone was able to prevent it. Survivor's guilt. His science of micro expressions is based on that guilt even if he found a way to turn it into something good thereby. Then he almost lost someone close to him again when she was injured as a result of the explosion. And this time her death would have been his fault, indeed. So nightmares and insomnia are an unpleasant side effect; it could be much worse though. Cal could be depressed, and he isn't. Gillian has been watching for it to happen, but so far it hasn't and since he actually took her advice and got help, she is confident that it won't happen in the future either. His readiness to see a psychologist astonished her; she didn't expect him to do it, at least not without resistance.

Cal usually doesn't talk about his appointments just as she hardly talked about hers with Burns. The few information they shared so far was freely offered, without the other asking for it. Something that requires profound trust - the sharing as well as the not asking. Trust they are both more than willing to place. Regardless of that, Cal must have the same problems she had when it comes to the difficult basic conditions of therapy. Just as she, he can't talk about everything with his therapist. Despite the fact that there will be no investigation, no prosecution, some things have to remain a secret.

Gillian goes downstairs and finds Cal in his living room. He is sitting in the dark. At first she thinks that he might have fallen asleep because he doesn't move, but then she hears his voice.

"I'm here," he says in case she didn't see him in the dark. Cal doesn't turn his head in her direction, must have heard her steps.

She sits down beside him on the couch, making sure that their legs don't touch. It's her way of showing him that she is there for him but respects his need to deal with some things on his own.

"Do you want me to leave you alone?" The fact that he acknowledged her presence allows the conclusion that he wants to talk. Otherwise she wouldn't have sat down. However, Gillian needs to be sure. If he doesn't want her here, she will give him the privacy he longs for.

This time Cal turns his head and looks at her although he won't be able to see more than her outline in the dark.

"No," his hand fleetingly touches her arm before he pulls it away again.

They sit like that for several minutes before he starts to talk. Cal probably isn't even aware of it, but Gillian knows that his subconsciousness just tested her. She only deserves his words if she is able to accept his silence.

"I know I'm not to blame for what my mother did to herself. I couldn't have done anything, was too young, couldn't read people back then. But knowing is one thing." He taps at his head. "And this..." He taps at his chest, right where his heart is. "...this is a different matter. And when it comes to you, luv, I don't even have cogent reasons to convince myself that it wasn't my fault you were hurt because it was."

She can't argue with that. Causality-wise it was his fault that she fell down. He caused the explosion although she doesn't blame him for her miscarriage. To explain the fine line what is or is not within the realms of possibility when a chain reaction takes place and therefore is the responsibility of the perpetrator would require a lawyer and would end with a confirmation of what Cal already knows – he is responsible. But that's not the point. Cal's psyche doesn't need a lecture about responsibilities. His heart needs to grasp that Gillian doesn't blame him, and it will only be able to do that if he can forgive himself first for not being able to save his mother.

"I'm not dead," Gillian brings up the painful subject. This is what Cal's fear is about. Losing people in the worst possible way. "That is all that matters. And your mother would be proud of you if she could see what has become of you. You're a good man, Cal. Only good people blame themselves. The others don't care or blame someone else."

His fingers brush her leg, searching for her hand. He intertwines their fingers when he finds it. A warm feeling floods through Gillian. Gratefulness. Cal didn't shut her off. It is such a difficult situation, and yet, she is happy because everything she was dreading didn't happen. Cal didn't decline therapy. He didn't seclude himself from the world, burying himself in depression. They didn't separate. Gillian hasn't admitted it to herself until now, but that was what she was expecting, at least it had been a very real option based on her worries, no matter how much they love each other. And here they are. Still together. Talking. Healing.

Cal's thumb caresses her hand. Just when she wonders if he will respond to her words, Gillian realizes that Cal didn't stop talking because he has nothing else to say. He stopped talking because he is crying. There is no sound; only the unmistakable up and down of his shoulders she can make out even in the dark. Then he shifts and takes her in his arms, his tears leaving a wet trail on her neck.

Weeks later he will tell her what made him cry. Not the memory of his dead mother or the guilt he still is feeling because of what happened to her. Cal cried because Gillian had referred to him as a good man. In his world that had been mainly defined by guilt when it comes to his emotional essence, her unwavering belief in him had literally moved him to tears. No one had called him a good man before.

No matter what kind of day or night it is, though, the plan is always the same.

Well, the rough plan. There are no details as yet. Cal quit his job to devote his life to science. Micro expressions. He is obsessed with reading people and not good at being employed, rubs people the wrong way time and again. That strange mix has to be good for something, hasn't it? Some kind of self-employment, but he can't start a business without a reputation. No one knows about, let alone banks on, micro expressions. That's why he decided to re-write and publish his book. Cal has given himself three months to re-write it, hoping that he will find a publisher in the meantime. It's a tight schedule, considering that it will take several more months to publish the book subsequently and that there are limits time-wise how long he will be able to survive without a stable income. Cal kept the house as part of the divorce settlement and has some savings. A year at a max. That's how long he will be able to make it if he economizes. But even if he will manage to re-write the book and get it published, there is no guarantee that his findings will be generally accepted in science. And that again is the crucial condition for setting up an own company. A year at a max. That's how long Cal has to built a new life.

Gillian was thrilled when he told her about his plan, not necessarily about the fact that he had quit from one day to the next, but she is happy and relieved that there will be no more dangerous undercover assignments, and she also is thrilled that he decided to focus on his science. They are of one mind when it comes to the what. As to the how – Gillian has confidence in Cal's abilities but nevertheless keeps an eye on him. It's who she is. She cares and worries.

They are having a quick fast food dinner at home before Cal intends to write some more.

"You know, I could pay you a small rent since I more or less live here," Gillian offers casually.

She knows about the house and that he has some savings, but that's the big picture. Cal didn't give her more details regarding his financial status, didn't bother because he considers it his responsibility. It's her way of asking how bad it is and if she can do something to help.

Cal stops chewing. "Don't be ridiculous," he flatly refuses. "You already buy all the food. My fridge never has been that full."

Gillian looks at him. "Would you tell me if you were short of money? Would you even know?" She looks around. Complete mess is the default setting of his house these days. She loves his creative chaos, but sometimes she doubts that he is able to handle everything on his own. The genius mind tends to overlook everyday occurrences. Yesterday she found his power bill under some of his notes and paid it without telling him. She wonders how those things worked out for him before... her. Was he simply lucky? Or did his ex-wife take care of everything when he went through such a phase? Or perhaps he never went through such a phase before because he only decided to change his life after he had met her. Gillian straightens herself. She needs to turn her psychology button off when she is at home.

"Oi! I'm past thirty. I can handle my life." His hurt expression is half pretense and half true.

She holds his gaze. "You couldn't tell me where the nearest dry cleaner's is last week."

"Two suits, Gill. I have two suits. And I only wear them in case of emergency. Didn't need to have them dry cleaned as yet."

They are bantering, and all the same, he takes her worries seriously. Otherwise he wouldn't even have bothered to respond. Gillian knows as much, just as she knows that he reads her all the time and that this is the reason why he accurately chooses the right way to respond to her at any given moment. Well, at most. It's irritating and fascinating at the same time.

"All I'm saying, Cal, is that I have a fixed income. As opposed to you." When he draws a breath to interrupt her, she doesn't let him. "I know. I know that you can take care of yourself. And we're not...," she almost said married but even as a negation, it felt weird to say that word concerning them. Gillian rephrases, "I have no obligation to help you; I want to. And I don't intend to smother you. But if you need something, I'm here. That's all."

Cal wiggles his eyebrows. Her almost trip of the tongue as well as her flustered reaction didn't slip his attention and put him into a good mood. "Aye, aye. Does that mean you're willing to pay me for my services?"

His charm is irresistible; Cal knows it. Gillian can't help smirking. "Maybe," she lowers her voice. The game is on. "If you have something else in your repertoire. Something you haven't shown me as yet."

Cal is quite sure that Gillian knows every trick he has up his sleeve by now. At least when it comes to that. There is no room in his entire house that hasn't seen the best of them. There is no way he will cave in though, "Cut the check."

Later that day, she kisses him goodnight before she goes to bed. Their sleep pattern is quite different these days. Cal works until late at night, long after she has gone to bed. Gillian misses to fall asleep in his arms, but this phase won't last forever. She knows that he loves those hours of complete silence during the night (probably as counterpart to his music sessions in the daytime). As a result, he sleeps in in the morning, and she lets him, being as quiet as possible when she gets ready and leaves the house. They only break this pattern on the weekend to wake up and go to sleep together. It always messes both of their sleep-wake rhythm up because they have to meet in the middle time-wise, too late for her and too early for him, but it is worth it.

Cal is sitting in his favorite armchair, editing a text passage, when she walks in. Gillian loves his reading glasses. He expects her to kiss him on the lips, as she always does, but she settles for his forehead instead and gets a surprised frown in return.

"I love your sexy brain," she explains.

His smirk is downright dirty. It is the best compliment she could have paid him.

Gillian has already turned around again to walk out when he grabs her wrist and stops her.

"Gill." Cal's expression has become serious. "Everything's fine. Financially, I mean. I'm not rich so it would be nice if you could enjoy the bohemian lifestyle with me for a while longer, but I'll get by. Don't worry. OK?"

"OK."

She reaches out and touches the frame of his glasses. It's true; she loves his sexy brain, everything that's going on in there – his thoughts, his feelings, even his doubts and guilt. Cal is such a complex character. It never ceases to amaze her that he chose her or, to be honest, that she chose him. Gillian never would have considered it possible that she could fall in love with a man like him, never would have looked beyond his reckless, dangerous facade if they had met in any other way than they did. He is very charming, but that wouldn't have been enough to make her look more closely. His cocky behavior would have driven her away; she never would have found out what kind of man he really is – incalculable but reliable, tough but loving, complicated but worth it, all the way.

"I think you need a break," she purrs, letting her hand linger on the frame as if it was an extension of his body. Surprisingly enough, he looks at her as if he is, indeed, able to feel her touch. Gillian intended to just say goodnight and let him work some more, but her thoughts and feelings have thwarted her intentions. He has that effect on her. And obviously she has that effect on him, too.

Cal puts his notes away and pulls her onto his lap. "Did you already cut that check?"

She has a feeling that she will fall asleep in his arms tonight.

Weeks later, Gillian can't remember a time before Cal's book anymore, before his late night sessions or his creative chaos. She would lie if she pretended that she doesn't look forward to more tidiness and structure, let alone falling asleep in his arms on a regular basis again. But part of her enjoys it; Cal brings her to put her boundaries to the test. Most of the time, actually. He forces her to think outside the box and that is a good thing. Something she hasn't done for far too long. Gillian hasn't told Cal as yet, but she is thinking about some changes for herself, too.

One evening, Cal collapses onto the couch next to her. He obviously needs a break. For a couple of minutes, he manages to keep silent. It is apparent that she watches the movie. Science fiction. Gillian is a source of contradictions. She reads romance novels, but she watches science fiction movies or TV shows. Cal never told her; on some days, he wonders, though, whether he would have let himself fall for her if they had met under different circumstances. No, scratch that. Cal knows that it never would have happened. Too beautiful to not ogle, too sophisticated to be one of his meaningless affairs. He would have eliminated her from the short list with regret; nevertheless he would have. Gillian Foster wouldn't have been his cup of tea simply because he would have thought that he wouldn't be hers. He didn't deliberately choose her. She got under his skin on the quiet in her own sweet way and has remained there ever since. By now, it would be impossible to remove her, so to speak, without having to remove his own skin. Every time Cal looks at her and becomes aware of the randomness of it all, a shiver runs down his spine – fate paired them up but easily could have torn them apart afterwards or let it not happen in the first place.

After a couple of minutes, his patience is exhausted even if he knows she won't like the interruption. Cal didn't pay attention, but judging by the crescendo of the music and the way Gillian stares at the screen, the movie approaches its climactic scene.

"Something's missing," he states.

Gillian looks at him, thinking he is talking about the movie. Then she realizes that he is not. Although he is here with her, his mind is still occupied, as always. Thinking and re-thinking something, most likely related to his book these days.

"What?" she asks and is rewarded with a smile when she turns her attention away from the movie toward him and his question.

His thoughts tend to jump from here to there, taking unexpected turns more often than not. Just when she has figured out what he is talking about, he is somewhere else already. It happens frequently. Cal knows that it is not easy to be with him. His smile tells her that he is aware of it and appreciates her ability to tolerate his skittishness as well as her placid way to support him.

"It's all there," he says. "The science. So why does it feel as if something's missing?"

She was right; it is about his book. Cal lets Gillian read the final draft of each revised chapter as soon as he has finished it. She loves his science and the way he explains it. From her point of view, nothing is missing.

"Liar," Cal yells at the screen – another example how fast his mind conceives everything that happens around him and connects it with his science.

The commercial break has started. It's one of the things he does and that make her laugh every time, like now. Some untalented actor promotes something, trying to convince the audience what a magnificent product it is whereas he thinks nothing of it in actual fact. Cal saw the truth, as always. They mostly buy products that haven't been unwittingly exposed as junk in this way albeit Gillian insists on buying her favorite chocolate even if Cal keeps telling her that the actress in the commercial is the biggest liar of all. That's what she likes most about his science. Its practicality. It is always there, in every moment, in every interaction between people. You can not not communicate. Suddenly she strikes on an idea. Of course.

"You need examples from real life," she exclaims. "Photographs of real people."

"I use photographs as examples."

"No, no," Gillian gets excited. "Not the photographs you're using now. They were made for scientific purposes, to explain the different micro expressions, but they weren't taken in actual situations like..." She thinks about it. "Like when Clinton denied that he'd had sex." Being a scientist herself, Gillian was so focused on the scientific explanations that she didn't realize there was something missing, indeed, if Cal intends to engage the interest of ordinary people as well. Most scientists will be interested either way.

"Oi. What's with the sex reference?" Cal smirks, but she hears the excitement in his voice. She nailed it. Once again, they are the perfect small sounding-board for his book. "Good idea, luv. Fantastic, I'd say, although it could be tricky to get the legally required consent." He jumps up, his thoughts already pursuing the notion, bending down to kiss her briefly before he walks out.

When Gillian looks at the screen again, the climactic scene has already taken place; she missed it. Gillian sighs. Yes, fantastic.

Months later, the final draft of Cal's book is done. It took one month longer than expected because of the idea to integrate real-life examples of micro expressions into it. During the writing process, the book almost turned into a living creature, sharing the house with them. It had been hardly existent when Cal had started to revise it but took up much space in the end. Literally. The chapters are almost twice as long now as they were before; the printed draft is a huge bundle of paper lying in his study. They both sneak into the room in between just to look at it. It is confusing that there are no more notes or photographs on the floor everywhere. The house looks almost naked without it.

Three more days until the deadline, until Cal has to deliver the final draft to his publisher so that the editing and publishing process can start. He found a publishing house that is interested when he was half way through revising. Cal does some changes at the last minute, no matter how often Gillian tells him that the book is perfect as it is. If she is honest with herself, she didn't expect him to meet the deadline. The fact that he is about to prove her wrong makes her all the more proud of him.

They are at Gillian's favorite place to have a late breakfast. It's the place where they went the morning after their first night together. Cal still hates the breakfast they serve – she is aware of that – but he invites her to go there from time to time simply because she likes it and he likes to make her happy. Gillian supposes he thinks she deserves it after tolerating his more than little idiosyncrasies in recent months. Actually, she does.

Cal looks better. He didn't sleep much during the writing and revising process and the nightmares made it even worse. Now his sleep pattern is almost back to normal and he only has nightmares occasionally. It's been a while since she woke up at night to find his side of the bed empty. Gillian hasn't been aware that her thoughts make her smile until she sees him smile back at her.

"You look happy, luv."

"I am."

"Can we talk about something?" He is still smiling, but the tone of his voice implies that Cal wants to talk about a serious subject.

"What is it?" Gillian is wary albeit not concerned. The way they interact these days, their established, mutual trust, guarantees an almost effortless navigation even through vicious storms.

"I, um...," he stutters. "I dedicated the pre-published version of my book to Emily because I had developed the idea of micro expressions and how to read them during the first years after she had been born. And, um..." More stuttering, accompanied by a head tilt and a grimace as Cal is waving his hands around. The body language is more exaggerated than unusual but not completely unlike him, the much too complicated explanation is. Especially since she already knows that and why he dedicated the book to his daughter. "I want to leave the dedication unchanged so, um, that the book is dedicated to her. Only her, but I don't want you to think..."

And suddenly it is clear where he is getting at. Cal thinks he has to explain himself for not dedicating the book to her or at least also to her. Save that she never expected that in the first place, didn't even contemplate it before.

"Cal," Gillian tries to interrupt him but is unable to stop his rant.

"...that I don't appreciate what you did for me. You stood by my side the entire time and I'm quite sure that I must have been intolerable sometimes."

That sounds much more like Cal. Besides, he never thanked her that explicitly before, admitting that it wasn't a joyride. Gillian feels the corners of her mouth turn into another smile.

"Sometimes? You were intolerable most of the time," she corrects him, only half joking. He was, indeed, but it hasn't affected her love for him. Gillian leans forward and touches his arm. "I didn't expect you to dedicate your book to me. I knew that you dedicated it to Emily and I never expected you to change that."

He studies her face for any sign that she only might have said that to soothe him but finds nothing.

"So you're not disappointed?" He already knows she is not, just needs another confirmation.

Gillian grabs his hand. "It's fine, really. But I guess that means you will have to write a second book because I would love to see my name in there."

He smirks and nods. "Whatever you want, luv. Whatever you want." They both know that he is only half serious. Perhaps he will write another book one day, perhaps not. It's the thought that counts.

They sit and talk for a while longer. It is their first extensive breakfast together since Cal started to revise the book. When they walk out, the broken exhaust pipe of a car makes a loud noise. Gillian has no nightmares like Cal. In her case, it's about noise. It reminds her of the explosion. Loud noise only makes her uncomfortable. Unexpected, loud noise like this scares her and makes her flinch as she did right now. Gillian knows that Cal noticed it. No interpretation necessary; it was a full macro expression of body and face. He most likely also saw that her hand covered her abdomen. She is no longer pregnant, but the memory of the explosion and the loss it caused makes her react before her mind realizes that it is futile. There is no child anymore that she has to protect. The moment she becomes aware of it, sadness floods through her like it always does at this point of the chain reaction. This time it is a micro expression. Gillian has no doubt, though, that Cal caught it, too. She knows exactly how far gone she would be. When she learned about her pregnancy and miscarriage, she calculated the due date. These days, she wonders whether she will ever be able to forget it or not. The due date will be in the past eventually. Sooner or later, time heals all wounds or at least reduces the pain. She will not always flinch whenever there is a loud, unexpected noise; she will not always remember the date she could have become a mother, but she will always mourn the loss of her unborn child.

Cal doesn't say anything, just puts his hand on her back gently. A gesture as protective as supportive. I'm here. Gillian clings to him slightly. Thank you. It was a brief moment of sadness. That doesn't change the fact, though, that she is happy. Her eyes meet his in the reflection of the glass door on their way out. In moments like these she is glad that he is able to read her and to see not only fragments but the whole truth.

- To be continued -

You probably noticed that my Cal is a little nicer and more reasonable than the on-screen Cal (at least the one of S3). I enjoy to portray him this way very much. It feels like the extension of his S1 personality, a version of him he could have been if he and Gillian had gotten together sooner.

And can I admit that I would love to see the scene in which Cal tells Gillian about his nightmares on screen? Tim Roth would act it brilliantly, I'm sure. #missthem

However, they are almost too nice to each other in this chapter. Guess I need some tension in the next one. ;)