Thanks again for all the awesome reviews. I know the last chapter was a bit of a controversy, so I appreciate you sticking with it. Olivia and Elliot have much to deal with before they come out stronger and better than ever...but they will. I really enjoy reading the varied perceptions of what I've written. It seems no matter what I write, it always sparks a response that is completely different from how I've picture it in my head. I think that's a good thing because we all bring a little of ourselves into how we read/write these characters so we all see different things, both good and bad, in them. Thanks for sharing those thoughts with me. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I'm shocked that I've managed to update 3 times this week, although this chapter is a little shorter than the others. Not sure where all this extra writing time is coming from, but I'll enjoy it while I can. :)

December 21, 2014 11:00AM

Olivia was laying on the couch, watching Noah play in his playpen. He would grab the sides and pull himself up, staring at her like he expected her to pick him up and play with him, but as much as she would have loved to do that, she couldn't. She felt miserable…tired and queasy and completely worn out. From the minute she'd opened her eyes that morning she'd been sick…and even feeding Noah his breakfast had sent her running to the bathroom to empty her stomach. Elliot would be there any minute and she hadn't even been able to get dressed yet. Noah sat back down, realizing his mother wasn't going to give him the attention he wanted and began sucking on one of his toys. "I'm sorry baby…" she whispered. "I really am."

The knock a few minutes later startled her and she realized she'd fallen asleep. She pulled herself up from the couch and walked to the door, looking quickly through the peep hole and opening it. "You look like death warmed over," Elliot said, grabbing her arm as she swayed with dizziness and guiding her back to the sofa. "Just lay down here and try to relax."

"I feel terrible," she groaned. "I've been puking since seven o'clock. Why am I so damn sick all the time?"

He sat beside her, brushing her hair away from her face, "Kathy was really sick with the twins. It might be a twin pregnancy thing," he sighed. "And the hormone shots aren't helping, Liv. Maybe you should consider not taking them anymore. The doctor said you didn't need them anymore."

She shook her head slightly, "No…I want to take them…just to be safe. I'm scared of losing my babies."

"I know," he said gently. "But you can't go on like this. I hate seeing you so sick."

"I can deal with it," she said, forcing herself to sit up. "I just need to throw up again…I think I'll feel better if I do…"

"You want to throw up?" he asked. "A couple of days ago you were avoiding it at all costs."

"I don't want to…" she mumbled, as she stood up and rushed out of the room.

Elliot looked at Noah, playing happily in his playpen, "Your mommy…she's a mess," he said and the baby giggled at him. He made his way down the hall to the bathroom and peeked around the door. She was sitting on the floor, retching over the toilet, but nothing was coming up and he wasn't sure how to help her. He pushed the door open further, "Liv…" he said, and she lifted her head slightly to look at him, tears streaming down her cheeks. He knelt down beside her, "Hey…it's okay…"

She shook her head, "I can't stop…and there's nothing in my stomach…nothing at all…" She leaned over, heaving again and clutching her stomach in pain. "This hurts…" she gagged again.

He stood up and grabbed a glass from the sink, filling it with water and then he sat next to her, wrapping his arm around her and trying to hold her head up. "Here…sip this…" he said, putting the glass to her lips and forcing her to drink it. Then she leaned forward again, throwing up the water. "Take another drink," he insisted and they went round and round like that until finally her stomach stopped convulsing and she leaned back in his arms. "Do you want me to call the doctor?" he asked.

She shook her head, "No…" her sides hurt and her muscles were sore. She was pretty sure she'd had less exhaustion from running a marathon and there was no way she was dragging herself into the doctor's office again. "I think I'm okay now…"

"Liv…the shots…" he said. "You have to stop taking them. Let me call the doctor and see if you can just stop or if you need to taper off."

"I'm scared," she admitted. "But I can't do this anymore either. The morning sickness just keeps getting worse every day."

"I know…so I'll call him and check, okay?" Elliot asked and she nodded reluctantly. "Let me help you up, and we'll get you into bed." he said, but she shook her head and remained on the floor.

"I'm too tired to move," she admitted. "Thanks for the water…that helped…"

"You needed something in your stomach," he told her. "Dry heaves are way worse than vomiting." He moved his arm from around her and stood to his feet, then he bent down and scooped her up in his arms.

"What're you doing?" she asked.

"Moving you…" he said gently as he carried her to her room and put her down carefully on the bed. "We're obviously not going Christmas shopping today," he said, "Get some sleep." He reached over and picked up a stack of papers on her bed, moving them to the nightstand and the notes she'd scribbled on the page stood out to him. Private banking…high cost…accepts twin donations…

"Olivia?" he asked. "What is this?"

She sighed, knowing he would get his hopes up and wishing she'd thought to put the papers away, "Just some information I wrote down when I called a couple of private cord blood banks yesterday."

"You found some places that will accept the twins?" he asked.

"Maybe…but El there are still a lot of deciding factors that we won't know until they're born," she said. "Please, don't get your hopes up. There's a huge chance that it might not work and that is a lot of pressure to put on two innocent little babies."

Her words struck like a knife, "Liv…I didn't mean to put that kind of pressure on you…and certainly not on the babies…"

"I know," she sighed, closing her eyes and then opening them when she heard Noah crying from the other room. "Oh…" she groaned, forcing herself to sit up. "I need to get the baby. He's hungry. It's his lunch time."

"Let me go get him," Elliot offered, "You need to try to sleep so you can start feeling better. I can feed Noah and play with him and put him down for his nap. Then I'll call the doctor and see what we need to do to get you off those hormone shots."

"Really…you don't mind?" she asked, already drifting off to sleep. "Thanks…"

He pulled the covers up around her and then pulled the door closed behind him.

December 21, 2014 2:30PM

Olivia walked into the living room, smiling when she saw Elliot napping on the sofa and Noah asleep in his crib. She felt much better, so she went to the kitchen rummaging through the refrigerator and was surprised when Elliot came up behind her, "Liv…" he said and she jumped back with a gasp.

"God, you scared me half to death," she said. "I thought you were asleep."

"I was, but I heard you come in here. I'm a light sleeper…you know that," he grinned, knowing she was thinking of the times they'd stayed overnight together on stakeouts or in the cribs at the station. "How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Hungry…" she sighed. "And nothing in here looks good." She groaned. "How can I be so sick and then it just goes away and I'm starving? Pregnancy sucks."

Elliot laughed, "Yeah, it kind of does," he agreed. "But I did call the doctor, and he said to stop the shots. You don't need them, and he's sure the twins will be fine."

She gave an uncertain nod, "I know…" she said looking back in the fridge and pulling out a bag of baby carrot sticks, popping one in her mouth. "I just want the babies to be okay. I'm scared my body can't do this without the hormones. I'm not as young as I used to be, El. Maybe I waited too long to do this…" She took the carrots back to the living room and sat down on the sofa, Elliot sitting next to her.

"Do you trust your doctor?" he asked her, and she nodded. "Then believe that he knows what he's talking about. The twins are going to be fine. He said if you feel like something is wrong, or you have any cramping or bleeding, to come back in…but he doesn't think that will happen. You've got two healthy babies in there, Liv. Enjoy it. Believe me…I've learned the hard way to appreciate your kids while you can."

"How's Eli doing?" she asked sadly. "El…I'm really sorry we don't have a guarantee about the cord blood. I know you were hoping…"

He shook his head, "Liv…" he closed his eyes, "I can't believe I reacted exactly the way you said I would. You told me you were scared to let me get too close with the pregnancy because I'd regret it if I found out there was no way to help Eli…and I swore I wouldn't…I didn't think I would…"

"It's okay," she said softly. "I understand…" She looked down at the bag of carrots in her lap and grabbed one, munching on it and realizing it was a poor snack choice for a serious conversation, but she was too hungry to stop eating them.

"You shouldn't…" he said sadly. "You shouldn't understand me walking out in the middle of your first ultrasound…crying because I'm so devastated at the thought of having these two babies when I'm losing my son…"

"Elliot…stop," she cried. "Please…"

"I thought I wanted be a dad again," he admitted. "But maybe I just wanted to save my son."

"Then why are you here, now?" she asked sadly. "I know you…even when you offered to donate sperm for me…six years ago, I knew why you did it."

"Why is that?" he asked.

"You wanted to have a baby with me," she forced a sad smile. "And more than anything, I wanted to have a baby with you, El." She closed her eyes, exhaling slowly, "We were wrong then and I know that now. We couldn't face our feelings so we did something stupid and maybe if I'd used the embryos back then we'd have been fine. You were married…your kids were at home…so you couldn't commit to me, but now, we both are such different people that this whole thing is forcing us to face emotions we've kept buried for years…and it's such a bad time for you…with Eli's cancer…but I can't believe you would be here if you didn't want to be…" she burst into tears, unable to control her emotions.

He put his arm around her, letting her rest her head against him, "I'm sorry…" he said gently. "And you're right…I donated sperm because I wanted to be the one to give you the baby you'd always wanted. God…thinking about you having someone else's baby made me sick to my stomach. It needed to be me." He sighed, "I was your partner…I wanted to protect you and take care of you. But then you never did it…and I started to think maybe you had changed your mind or you were scared to have my child…and then I fell apart emotionally after the shooting and left you and couldn't face you again…and I never thought about the possibility you'd get pregnant using the embryos after that. I assumed you'd decided never to use the embryos, so when I saw you that day at the hospital and you told me you were pregnant…it just didn't register with me the way it should have."

"I should have waited to tell you," she admitted. "Until after I talked to my doctor about the cord blood."

"No…" he said. "I'm glad you told me when you did. It made me happy Liv…and not just because of Eli…but because I wanted to be a part of making your dreams come true…and I even though I hadn't thought about being a father again, when you were on the floor of the hospital bathroom throwing up…God, all I wanted to do was take care of you and that baby…"

"I wanted to do this on my own," she sighed. "I wanted to be a strong, single mother…" She popped another carrot in her mouth, crunching loudly.

"Do you still want to do this on your own?" he asked. "Because if you do…say so now. I know I legally do not have any rights to the twins...and I'll honor that if you want me to…"

"The last few days," she cried. "I realized, I don't think I can do this alone…hell even today you had to take care of my son because I was too sick to get out of bed."

"Liv, I can help you…as a friend, if that's what you want," he looked sadly at her. "I don't have to be the babies' father. I'll always be your partner…regardless. This is up to you…but I promise you…I will never forget how special these babies are again…and I won't blame them if Eli doesn't make it…but you have to realize that I'm not going to be the man I used to be if I lose my son." He tried to hold in his tears. "I love him and I'd give up my life if I thought it would save his…"

"Oh El…I know you love Eli," she sobbed. "I never thought you should love the twins more than him. Never…"

"I know," he leaned closer to her and they both gave in to their tears for what felt like an eternity. "But I do love them, Liv…just as much as I love my other kids…and when I was disappointed at the appointment and I left…it wasn't because I was upset with them…I was upset because suddenly the very last hope I had of saving Eli was gone. I admit, for a brief second I wished there weren't two babies, but then I knew how long you'd waited to get pregnant and how much of a blessing it was to get two at once…" he gave a weak smile, "I had to leave because I didn't want you to see me cry when it should have been the happiest moment of your life. I'm sorry…I don't even know how to make that up to you."

"You don't have to make it up to me…" she sighed. "God…we are so screwed up…these kids deserve better…" She looked at the half-empty bag of carrots and ate one more.

"You're gonna be a great mom to them Liv," he smiled. "You already are. Hell, you're spending your Sunday afternoon sitting here feeding them carrots…and you don't even like carrots."

She laughed, "You remembered I don't like carrots." She looked back at the bag, "I'm not sure why I can't stop eating them right now."

"Cravings…" Elliot teased. "At least you're not dipping them in chocolate milk," he saw her eyes widen with consideration, "No…you are not dipping them in chocolate milk, Liv. I forbid it. I don't need to start throwing up too and watching you do that would make me sick."

"Okay…fine…" she smiled gently. "You're their dad, El," she exhaled slowly. "And you can be involved as much or as little as you want. I won't try to enforce the donor contract if you want to be their father."

"Really?" he asked. "I want that…and I swear I'll be a good dad."

"I know…" she smiled. "You already are."

"Where does that leave us?" he asked.

"Us?" she questioned.

"You and me, Liv…our feelings…about each other…" he leaned forward, pulling her closer and kissing her gently on the lips, but she pulled away.

"El…" she sputtered, "I don't think…" her face turned pale and she gasped, "Oh no…not again," she cried, throwing the bag of carrots at him as she ran out of the room.

He shook his head in defeat, "I kiss her, and she throws up…this is a great start," he sighed as he stood up and followed her to the bathroom.

December 21, 2014 6:45PM

"Liv…" Elliot opened the bedroom door, watching as she stirred in her sleep, "Olivia…" he said again, walking over to her, "You need to wake up now…"

She opened her eyes and looked groggily at him, "What time is it?" she asked.

"A little before seven," he said, sitting next to her and putting his hand softly on her stomach, "How're you doing? Feeling any better?"

She nodded, "Yeah…I feel fine." She sighed, "I'm sorry…about earlier…I thought I was okay to eat…"

"You need to eat," he reminded her. "You have to keep something in your stomach." He smiled, "The babies need you to eat."

She shook her head, "I'm scared to eat anything ever again."

"Well, I made dinner and you need to come out and try to eat," he insisted. "I just made some soup…it should be okay."

She groaned, "Did you put carrots in it…I can't look at orange vomit ever again…"

"No carrots," he laughed. "I promise. Come on…" he pulled her up from the bed and they walked into the living room where he had steaming bowls of soup set up on the coffee table.

"I need to feed Noah," she said, watching her son playing with his toys in his playpen. "I missed the whole day with him, and it's already past his dinner time."

"I fed him," Elliot told her, "But I knew you'd want to give him a bath and put him to bed, so I saved that for you."

"Thanks," she forced a smile, picking up her bowl and lifting the spoon to her lips, sipping slowly. "This is good…" she admired his cooking.

"Let's just hope it stays down," he said gently. "I hate seeing you so sick."

"You're not the only one," she sighed. "Elliot…" she said and he looked up from his bowl. "When you kissed me earlier…"

"I shouldn't have done that," he apologized. "You gave me no indication that you wanted me to…I just felt like there was something…"

"It's okay," she said, "I didn't pull away because I was upset by the kiss…"

"You didn't?" he asked.

She shook her head, "I just didn't want to throw up on you."

He laughed, "Really…well thanks…I guess…" he sat his bowl down on the table, "You wanna try that kiss again?"

"No," she admitted reluctantly. "I mean…I know there is something between us…but I'm not sure what that is yet…and I don't want to mess things up…"

"How would it mess things up?" he asked.

"I'm pregnant…" she said.

"With my babies," he reminded her. "And we've never even had an intimate moment together. That seems messed up."

"I don't want this to be about the babies," she said. "Us…deciding what we want from each other…it can't be about the twins and I don't want to jump into something too soon and make things harder."

"Liv…" he sighed, "I love you. I've always loved you…and I need you to know that."

"I do know that," she said tearfully. "And I love you too. I always will, but we barely know each other any more Elliot. I don't know anything about your life in DC, about your job there…I don't even know exactly why you left and never called me…" she sighed, "And I'm different now…things have happened…to me and because of me…things you don't know…"

He nodded, "So…we take some time to get to know each other again," he suggested. "I can do that."

"What if we don't like the people we've become?" she asked nervously.

"I can't see that happening," he said truthfully.

"I can," she said honestly. "I wish I didn't feel that way, but…"

"You've always been a pessimist," he sighed. "I guess I'll just have to prove to you that we can make this work…no matter how different we are now. I still love you." He glanced at his watch, "Liv…I'm sorry, but I have to go. It's my turn to stay with Eli…"

"Go," she said. "Tell him I said hi."

"He asked me earlier when you were coming back to finish that checker game," Elliot laughed.

"I'd love to," she smiled, "Once I can keep from throwing up for a few hours…I'll be there."

Elliot nodded, "He's coming home in a few days…should be there by Christmas Eve. Maybe you can see him then."

"I'm not sure Kathy would appreciate that," she said honestly, "And I can't blame her." She stood up, walking him to the door, and he pulled her into an embrace, hugging her close. "El…" she said softly, "Go be with your son."

He pulled away from the hug, looking at her seriously, "Take care of yourself tonight…and if you get sick…keep water with you so you don't have those dry heaves anymore."

"I'll be fine," she promised. "I feel much better now…I swear." She put her hand on her stomach and smiled, "You go take care of Eli, and I'll manage the twins all by myself…"

He smiled, "I know you'll be fine, but I worry," he walked out the door. "I'll call you in the morning…"

"Okay…" she waved as he walked down the hall, then she closed the door and walked over to the playpen, picking up her son. "How's Mommy's big boy?" she asked with a smile. "I'm sorry I was too sick to spend the day with you." He patted her face with his chubby hands and she laughed, "Let's go get your bath and then we'll read a bedtime story…what do you say?" she asked and he giggled. She kissed him on the cheek, "I love you sweet boy," she smiled. "And I'm so glad you're happy and healthy. I'm so lucky to be your mom."

More soon...hopefully people are still interested :)