Authors' Note: This chapter was a strange idea I had – I'm not sure if it works or not but hopefully it does.
This is Ciels' POV from the end of the last chapter. (Boy, I hope this is all right)
I slam the door behind me and lean against it. I breathe in deeply as I am in an extreme amount of pain from the beating I took earlier. I swear, I should have let Sebastian kill Azzurro when he had the chance. I wrap my right arm around my chest as I wearily limp over to my bed, once there, I collapse on it – face down. After a moment, I attempt to drag myself across the top of it and I roll over onto my back, giving up and letting my legs dangle over the edge.
Staring at the ceiling, I take in another breath, letting the air fill my lungs, which press against my ribcage as I hold it there for a moment. It's painful and it hurts but it's nothing compared to what I've experienced before. It's nothing like those months where I was held in captivity like an animal in a cage. I exhale loudly and I try to shake off those horrible memories of my past.
Things are different now, better. It's hard to put it into words but I can feel myself changing. Is it age that's causing this or something else? For no matter how desperate for revenge I once was, I can feel the anger starting to wane as I become accustom to my new life. I get good grades in school, I'm begrudgingly making new friends – with the help of Lizzie and I have Sebastian.
I close my eye and let my thoughts linger on Sebastian for a moment. I can't help but let the smile I'm trying to fight creep onto my lips as I think about him.
It's amazing how in such a short space of time, Sebastian has become such a dutiful butler. I'll admit when he first signed the contract and tried to poison me with those vinegar eggs, I had my doubts but now, I more than trust him with my life. Although, with that said, he scares me.
I never realized just how powerful he actually is and when I saw those bodies on the ground at the warehouse, in that moment, I became frightened of him. How can this man who is so kind to me be such a violent killer? I suppose that's who he was in his past life before me but still; it was such a shock for me to see. Still, I know that as long as the contract is in place, he would never hurt me and I trust him implicitly.
He has changed my life so much and he probably doesn't even realize it. He always says that I control him and that may be true but I want so much more than that.
My eye jolts open as I land on that thought.
I have had this thought many times before and it always ends in the same way. It's torturous and loathsome, I can't help but feel conflicted every time my mind wanders over to these thoughts and my body reciprocates. My palms sweat, my breathing becomes shallow and my chest starts to ache all because I think of him.
Sebastian awakens feelings in me that I have long since buried. I have been numb for so long that I can't remember what it is like to feel this… happy? In my short years on this Earth I know I have felt happiness before but more than anything, I have felt pain. So much so, that I can't remember what true happiness even feels like any more. I suppose it was something I needed to get rid of in order to survive. Now, however, now, I assume it feels a lot like this.
How is it possible that one person can make me feel so wanted and safe? Then again, isn't that his job? To protect me?
All of a sudden a flourish of sadness comes over me – of course, I'm being ridiculous, he's only like this because it's his job. That's why there is a line I must draw, I can't let these feelings develop any further because – he's my butler and nothing more. To think anything to the contrary is disgusting and wrong.
There is a soft knock on my door and I know it's Sebastian, probably here to ready me for the evening.
"Come in." I sigh as I struggle to sit upright.
"My apologies young master but I'd really like to look at your wounds." He smiles at me as he holds out the first aid kit. I nod and he approaches me slowly, as though I might spook if he comes towards me too quickly.
It's been over two years since Sebastian signed our contract and sometimes, it seems, he still doesn't know how to behave around me. He still treats me as though I'm this fragile doll; like I'm still the feeble child I was when we met. Can't he see that I have changed? Can't he see that I'm stronger now and a force to be reckoned with?
No – perhaps he never will. Still, I wonder what he does think of me?
Sebastian kneels down in front of me and sets about unbuttoning my shirt, sliding it down my shoulders and off of my arms. His brow furrows as he casts his eyes over my battered torso, then they look up at me. I've never noticed this before but his eyes are a strange color, a ruddy brown, quite unusual. However unique they are, they reflect nothing but kindness as they look at me.
"I'm afraid this wound on your side is quite deep, so this will hurt a little." He warns.
"It's fine, I'm used to pain." I reply.
"Even so."
He takes out the antiseptic, unscrews the lid and sits it down next to me. Pulling out a fresh gauze pad, he carefully pours the liquid onto it and dabs it to my wound. I flinch as it burns me and I suck in air through my teeth as I try to keep still. I can't bare pain, it may be something I'm used to but it's nothing I like. Although, I know it's always there – it's how I know I'm still alive, how I know I can still feel.
"Before I dress the wound, I think it might be best for you to get cleaned up first. What would you prefer, a shower or a bath?" He asks and I think for a moment. I know he would rather I take a shower to lower my risk of infection but I really could do with a nice warm bath.
"I'll have a bath."
"Very well, I'll come get you when it's ready." He smiles again as he stands upright. He leaves me to go into the bathroom and my head turns to watch him as he goes in. I can hear him switch on the faucets and the rush of water as it crashes into the bottom of my porcelain tub.
As I sit and wait, I let my mind wander back to the events of today and I'm stuck on something. It was something he said.
There is something that he wants. I wonder what it is?
Before I can ruminate on it any further, Sebastian comes back into the room.
"Your bath is ready young master."
I slide off the bed and slowly make my way into the bathroom where he turns his head and holds out a towel in front of me. I quickly unfasten my trousers and slip them off, along with my undergarments. Then, I try and negotiate my way into the bathtub, silently cursing to myself as my body aches with each move I make.
Once I'm in, he lowers the towel and folds it up, sitting down on the side. He pulls up a stool and sits behind me, unbuttoning his cuffs and rolling up his sleeves. He picks up a nearby bottle and squirts a little liquid in his hand and starts to massage my head.
I lean back and relax into the curve of the bathtub as he rubs my head softly. I know it's his job but he's always so gentle with me, when Tanaka was our butler, he was never like this.
I try not to smile but I can't help it, I like it when he touches me, even if it's something as basic as washing my hair.
There it is again, that flutter I feel in my chest, this must be happiness but I can't – I just can't let myself feel it. I grip the sides of the bathtub tightly and I sigh, I need to make these feelings go away.
"Is everything all right young master?"
"Yes." I reply curtly.
"It's just that it seems that something is wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong Sebastian, I'm just thinking about a few things."
"Would you care to share?"
No, I really would not but I think of something to say in any case.
"Do you ever think about death?"
"That's not anything you should worry about young master."
"And why's that?"
"Because you have me and I won't let anything ever happen to you."
With those simple words, I feel calm.
…
Sebastian slips the nightshirt over my arms and I sit back down on the bed as I wait for him to button me up. I am so tired; it's been a long day, I can't image what he must be feeling. That reminds me, what is the thing he wants? Should I ask him? I don't know.
I lean back onto my elbows as I yawn.
"Sebastian?"
"Yes young master?" He answers as he works his way up to the last remaining buttons.
"Earlier, when Azzurro was offering you all of those things and you declined him, you said that you only wanted one thing."
"I did." He replies.
"What is it?"
"Sorry?" He stumbles as he finishes the last button just underneath my neck.
"That one thing you want, what is it?" I look at him curiously as he takes a step back.
"I'll go and prepare you a nice pot of chamomile tea, it's been a trying day and you need to relax." He tries to avoid my question and I frown at him.
"The tea can wait, I asked you a question."
"It'll only be a moment."
"Sebastian, answer me. What is the one thing you want?"
He bows his head slightly as he fidgets.
"Please don't ask me that." He replies.
"Why not?"
"Because you know I cannot lie to you."
"Then you'll have to tell me."
"Why do you want to know?"
"It was something that he couldn't give you but I wonder... Is it something I can?"
"Ciel, I…." He utters with a half whisper but he doesn't finish.
I stare at him for a moment, and then I avert my gaze as I think, chewing on my bottom lip. It's within that moment; I think I understand what he is unable to say. It's me you want, isn't it?
I get it and yet, I don't feel uncomfortable with this knowledge. I feel liberated yet conflicted – I want him too but I don't want him to cross the line either. He is my butler, my protector – he can't be anything more than that.
We stay like this for a while, neither of us not knowing what to say to one another. Finally, Sebastian takes a breath and I think he's going to be the first to break our silence.
"I'll go make that tea now." He suggests.
"No. Come here." I instruct but he hesitates. "Sebastian, come here." I repeat and this time, he nods as he comes towards me. "Sit down." I motion for him to sit down in front of me and he complies. I'm not sure what to do next; so I decide to scoot back and tuck my legs underneath me as I sit on them.
Reaching out, my hands hover above his shoulders for a moment, and then I place them on top of them. Pulling slightly, I gently guide him back, letting his head rest on my lap. Yes, this seems fine.
I peer down at him and think of what to do next. Sebastian doesn't move, he just lies here, his kind eyes looking up at me and my heart starts to race. Don't look at me like that Sebastian, I can't think clearly when you do.
To calm my pounding heartbeat, I start to sweep the hair from his forehead – really, it's just an excuse to touch him. He is relaxed, as his eyes slowly open and close, ever the while looking up at me. He shifts a little and grimaces slightly as he does but when he settles again, he smiles at me – that ever present reassurance that he is going to be all right, although, I'm sure he's in a great deal of pain.
"Did it hurt?" I ask him, keeping my voice low and soft.
"Did what hurt, young master?"
"Did it hurt when you were shot?"
"A little but I had my vest on."
I nod at his response. I knew it, he is in pain. I wonder if he is as used to it as I am?
I do the only thing I can think of in this moment in time. Seeing the gaps in his shirt, where the fabric stretches from the buttons, I reach over and slip my hand through them. I run my fingers over his skin, feeling the little dips in his flesh that must have been caused by the bullets. He winces slightly under my touch, and I realize, there must be bruising.
I hum softly as I stroke his chest and his stomach. My fingers slide across the smooth ridges of his muscles as each one tightens and flexes. I can feel his heartbeat thump in his chest as I touch him. Is it me? Am causing this reaction? It must be and suddenly, I become very pleased with myself as I let my fingers play. Keeping my other hand on his forehead, I continue to gently caress his head.
"What are you doing young master?" He breathes out.
"I don't know." I sigh as I remove my hand from underneath his shirt and place it on this other side of his face holding him still. He's right to ask, what am I doing? I don't know but I know what I want to do.
I lean over him and let my hair dangle down over his face. I can feel him shudder under my fingers. I bend further down and let my eyelashes sweep over his skin as I breathe on top of him. I watch as his eyelids flutter, and then close.
As I wait for them to open again, I can feel his whole body go heavy on my lap and his breathing becomes deep. He's asleep, Sebastian has fallen asleep.
I smile to myself as my eye scans his face and lands on his slightly parted lips. My thumbs gently stroke the sides of his face lightly and I hesitate for a moment. Taking a deep breath, I bend over and my lips touch his tenderly. I let my eyes close as I taste him; he's sweet and delicious like Belgian chocolate and my heart pounds in my chest as I keep my lips pressed against his. I don't want to move, I just want to stay here as long as I can.
No, Ciel, what are you doing? I know that we can't have a relationship; I know this is wrong but I can't help myself.
He breathes out into my mouth as he exhales and it startles me, causing me to sit up.
A wave of panic comes over me as I stare at him.
I've made a mistake – I've crossed the line.