-106-
"And after you heal me will you bring me to Arthur?" Morgana asked, hazel eyes watching Ryll with only the smallest hint of emotion.
"No. That was a mistake. Arthur is trying to change, but he's not going to let you walk free. I was naïve to think that bringing you to him would solve anything. That was before I realized it doesn't have to be about you or him and who triumphs in the end. One of you is going to lose everything if the other wins. You've tried ruling Camelot twice, Morgana. Did the people look up to you? Did you feel accepted? Or did you feel feared and hated?"
"The same fear and hatred I felt under Uther's oppression?" Morgana asked, her tone harsh. She tried to sit up but her arms shook and she lay back down. She burst into a fit of coughs that wracked her body. It took a few minutes for them to subside.
"Uther is dead, Morgana. Quit letting him haunt you. Quit blaming him for your mistakes. You let your hatred for him boil and fester when he can no longer hurt you. You never even gave him a chance to love you for who you really are. You turned on him and showed him hatred and even then he did not hate you. I do not believe he would want Arthur to condemn you to death. He would not wish to see his two children locked in this battle for power."
"You think you can make me surrender with your words, but you're wrong."
"Morgana, when did we become enemies?" Ryll asked, taking a step forward.
"After what I've done, how could you think any different of me?" Morgana asked softly and for a moment some of her emotions leaked through, shining in her eyes. Regret, sorrow, longing. "I've hurt the people you love over and over. Hurt you."
"I know, and I thought I hated you for it, but then I realized I was just angry with myself for not doing better. I should have kept reaching out, should have kept telling you that you were my friend and could never be my enemy."
"You're a knight of Camelot now. Does Arthur know you're here? I can't imagine he'd be very happy to learn that you're aiding the enemy."
"Just because I'm a knight of Camelot doesn't mean I have to hate you. If that's what it means then I no longer want that title. My job is to protect my people and my kingdom. You were my first friend, Morgana. Have you forgotten that day in the woods so many years ago when I took an arrow for you, and you brought me to Camelot and saved my life?"
"Merlin and Gaius saved your life."
"You could have left me out there, but you didn't. Why?"
"A life for a life. I owed you a debt." Morgana tried to sound uncaring, but Ryll forged on.
"It wasn't that and you know it. It was because you were compassionate. You risked your life to save others, and you cared deeply for your friends and your people. You might have been Uther's ward then, but you cared for the people like a queen would. That Morgana would have made a queen worth serving. Somewhere along the line you lost sight of her though, and I miss that Morgana. But she's right here. She's still in you somewhere. Don't let Uther turn you into a bitter tortured thing. He's gone, and now the choices you make are yours and yours alone. You have to take credit for the mistakes you make because we're beyond blaming Uther. You are the only one who can decide what kind of person you want to be. Are you happy right now? Is this who you are? Who you want to be?"
Morgana didn't answer at first. Then, "I'm not sure I'll be around long enough to find out."
"Is this what you call being a high priestess? Is this really the girl who wants to rule Camelot? Right now all I see is a brat who hasn't gotten what she wants so she's going to act like the entire world is crumbling around her." Ryll had lost her temper by now. Why was Morgana so stubborn? Morgana glared at her.
"The door's right there," she spat. "Don't let it hit you on the way out."
"Do you really think I came all this way to turn around and leave again?" Ryll asked. "I told you I was going to heal you and, if I feel so inclined, forgive you."
"You're wasting your time. I'm not going to roll over and behave like a dog if you offer me empty words."
"They won't be empty, and I don't expect anything of you in return. Yes, I want you to quit trying to kill Arthur and to quit pushing me away, but I'm not asking anything of you. Just the chance to help you."
"Maybe I'm beyond help." Morgana pulled her knees up to her chest. She looked so defeated lying there in her ragged dress and tangled hair.
"Just because you've given up hope doesn't mean I have." Ryll crossed the room, kneeling beside Morgana's bed. She reached out a hand toward Morgana's, hesitating. Morgana pulled her hands away. "Just let me help you."
Morgana lay still as Ryll put her hands over her and began to chant. The healing spell would tell her what exactly needed healing though she suspected a lot of it was mental, and she could not fix that. She half expected Morgana to protest, but the girl didn't seem to care one way or the other. She was malnourished and had a cough in her lungs that had made her throat raw. Some sort of illness ran through her veins that Ryll couldn't identify but she wasn't surprised after Morgana's imprisonment. She used magic to heal her throat and lungs first, and Morgana began to breathe easier. The illness was next, but Ryll couldn't seem to banish it completely. There was something familiar about it, and she realized that it was the same sort of illness she'd felt near the oppressive stones of Morgana's prison – the stones that had suppressed her magic. With proper care, Ryll was confident that she could heal Morgana, but it would take time.
She opened up her pouch and handed Morgana an herb. "Place this in your mouth," she told her. "It will help you sleep."
"And will you be here when I wake?" Morgana asked.
"Do you want me to be?"
"I know not to hope that I could ever redeem myself," Morgana said so quietly Ryll could hardly hear her.
"That depends on you. I've already told you I'm ready to forgive you." Ryll pressed the herb into her hand. "I'm going to get some water. Try to sleep."
Morgana took the herb and placed it on her tongue. Ryll watched as she fell into a deep sleep. She pulled a blanket out of her pack and laid it over Morgana, pushing back a strand of her tangled hair. "I'm going to stay here until I know you're going to be all right," she told her. "Because that's what friends do."
…
When Morgana awoke, she was convinced she had just dreamed up Ryll, but when she opened her eyes, Ryll was sitting in a rickety chair across from Morgana. She looked up when Morgana stirred. "You weren't just a dream. You're really here."
"I said I was going to look after you. I meant it." She looked weary, her long braid falling out in places and her eyelids drooping. She shook herself awake though and asked, "How are you feeling?"
Morgana paused. How was she feeling? The terrible aching in her lungs and throat was gone, and it didn't hurt to breathe anymore. She was still ill, she could tell that much, but she felt better than she had in a long time. "Better," she admitted.
"Are you hungry?" Ryll asked. "I was thinking about going hunting."
"Aithusa hunts for me," Morgana said. "She should be back any minute." She didn't miss the flicker of worry that crossed Ryll's face. "Don't worry. She doesn't have a taste for humans," she told Ryll. "How did you find me?"
"Aithusa isn't the only dragon in the kingdom."
"You summoned a dragon to ask where I was?" Morgana asked, surprised. Ryll had always been brave, but Morgana would have thought even Ryll had given up on her.
"Maybe not my best idea, but it worked." Something haunted flitted across her face, and Morgana almost asked what was wrong. Then she realized she had no right to ask that. She hadn't been there for Ryll for a long time.
"Does anyone know you're here?"
"Just Byron. He wasn't too keen on the idea, but he knows it's pointless to argue with me."
"You were always stubborn." That clearly hadn't changed. Morgana had forgotten how much of herself she'd always seen reflected in Ryll. Ryll had never let hate shape her actions though. She was much stronger than Morgana, and she was right; Morgana had let Uther haunt her all this time. But Uther was gone. Morgana had thought she'd feel a release when he had died, but she hadn't. She'd still seen the world as set against her, but maybe it was the other way around. Maybe she had set herself against it.
"You were too," Ryll said, bringing Morgana back to the present. "You were thrown in the dungeons once for refusing to step down. All to save someone."
"Yes, well, see where that got me?"
"That's not what got you here."
Before Morgana could think of a response to that, the beating of wings interrupted the quiet night. Ryll got to her feet looking anxious. "I won't let her hurt you," Morgana told her. Somehow she got no pleasure from Ryll's fear. The sound of flapping wings got closer until a shadow fell over the cracked roof above them. Aithusa landed down below outside the temple. There was a hole in the stone wall that she could still fit through though she'd grown considerably in the last three months. Morgana had never forgotten that it was Ryll who she owed that to. Ryll had saved the dragon from growing disfigured in the tight space.
"She's waiting for me," Morgana said. She got up, pulling the blanket Ryll must have put over her around her shoulders. Ryll moved forward to help her. Morgana pulled away instinctively. She hadn't let anyone touch her since Morgause had died. Now she simply expected everyone to try to hurt her, but she realized that wasn't why Ryll was here. Ryll didn't try to take her arm again, so Morgana made her way down the stairs by herself. Ryll followed, keeping her distance from the dragon. Aithusa had brought a deer back for Morgana, laying down before her.
"She's here as a friend," Morgana told the white dragon as Aithusa eyed Ryll and growled low in her throat. She'd outgrown some of her ungainliness in the last few months and was showing the grace and majesty of her kind. Her clear blue eyes didn't move from Ryll. "She's going to help," Morgana said, taking an unsteady step forward. Aithusa ducked her head and let Morgana stroke her nose.
"Then you'll let me help?" Ryll asked.
Morgana turned to look at her old friend and a wave of sorrow passed over her. She was tired of fighting, tired of turning Ryll away. She wasn't even sure why she had called Ryll her enemy. She supposed it was easier that way. If Ryll was her friend then it meant she cared about someone and then it was harder to cut herself off from her emotions. She'd thought it made her weak, but now she realized that she was already weak. She could hardly stand on her own.
"I'm not ready to die," Morgana told her.
"I'm not going to let you die," Ryll said, taking a step forward. Aithusa growled, but Ryll paid her no mind. "That's why I'm here, Morgana. Because I don't want you to die. I know Arthur and Merlin think that's the only way to gain peace, but I don't believe that. Just like I don't believe you killing Arthur will solve all your problems. You kill him and you will be more alone than ever before, and I don't think that's what you want. I think all along you've been looking for a place to belong, looking for acceptance, and when you didn't find it, you retaliated. Maybe instead of trying to eliminate Arthur and take his throne you should ask for his acceptance."
"And you think he'll give it to me gladly after all I've done to him?" Arthur would not listen to her. Why should he?
"I don't know," Ryll told her. "I wish I could say yes, but I don't know if he would or not. If you don't ask, though, you'll never know. Just like how you never knew whether Uther would have accepted you or not."
"You know just as well as me how he felt about magic," Morgana said spitefully. "Even if he hadn't put me to death or disowned me, he would have sought help for me like there was something wrong with me."
"Arthur knows I have magic now," Ryll told her.
"And you're still a knight?" Morgana scoffed. "You're serious?"
"I told him because I was tired of keeping secrets. I wanted him to know the real me. He was hurt at first because I'd kept it from me and because he didn't know how to handle it. But he came around. He made a treaty with the druids. He's trying to change."
"And does he welcome magic with open arms or does the treaty only stand as long as no one casts any spells?" Morgana asked, her tone bitter.
Ryll looked away. "Not yet, but can you blame him after the destruction and hurt you caused him? You only confirmed his beliefs that magic was evil by the way you used it. You gave him no chance to accept you for who you really are. Arthur would have understood, but now I'm not sure he will."
"You're not doing a very good job of convincing me Arthur has changed," Morgana said.
Ryll smiled the tiniest smile. "I'm just being honest," she said. "I'm tired of 'what-ifs' and illusions."
"Then why are you really here?" Morgana asked. "You've healed me."
"Not entirely. Your prison weakened you. I'll have to heal you over a period of time. It won't just go away overnight. But you're right. It's not the only reason I came. I was telling you the truth when I said I wasn't going to ask anything of you." She met Morgana's eyes, and Morgana could see desperation there. "I've had visions for the past few years," she told her. "Usually the same but not always. The one thing that doesn't change is that I see Arthur die and, more recently, you. I've asked myself over and over what that achieves. Arthur can't bring peace to Camelot if he's dead and you can't very well rule over it if you're dead. Sometimes I die too in my dreams, but I don't know what I'm dying for. Nothing's ever clear. So I guess I came here because I want to change that future. I don't want you to die and I don't want Arthur to die. I think I was meant to change that future. I just don't know how. It seems impossible, but here I am hoping that tomorrow night I might not dream of death." She looked at Morgana, waiting for her response.
"I've come too far to go back," she said finally. Aithusa rubbed her snout against Morgana's shoulder.
"I'm not asking you to go back. I'm hoping you'll move forward."
"The only place for me in this world is whatever place I forge for myself."
"I don't think that's true. All this time you've been trying to come home to Camelot, but maybe the key to achieving that isn't through immortal armies or elaborate plots. Haven't enough people been hurt, yourself included? How many more people need to get hurt before this is over?"
Once Morgana might have said as many as it takes, but now she realized she was tired of the pain, tired of hurting people only to end up hurt herself. This wasn't who she wanted to be. She hadn't imagined hurting so many people along the way. She wasn't happy and hurting more people wouldn't change that.
"What will make you happy, Morgana?" Ryll asked as if reading her mind. There was genuine compassion in her eyes, and it made Morgana's heart ache. No one had looked at her like that in such a long time. She hadn't had friends, just people hoping to gain something by joining her. Yet here, despite everything she'd done to Ryll and the people she cared about, Ryll was offering her forgiveness.
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do. You've waged wars, sacrificed your sister, brought people back from the dead. Why? What is it you really want?" she challenged.
"I want a place in this world. I want what's rightfully mine."
Ryll shook her head. "You haven't earned the throne of Camelot. Blood alone doesn't make you fit to rule. And what about here? This isn't a good enough place in the world for you?"
"This is where I came to hide," Morgana told her angrily. "Where I came to hide my wounds and heal my pride. There is no place in the world for me."
"That's because you've shoved away everything and everyone that could ever possibly accept you. Morgause pushed you to become someone you weren't because she believed that there was no possible other way to gain acceptance. She didn't think you were good enough, so she turned you into someone else."
"That's not true."
"It is. She poisoned you against all the people you loved, but she's not here anymore. She's dead like Uther, so we can't blame her. We've run out of people to blame except ourselves. And I do blame myself. I failed you."
"No, you didn't. You tried harder than anyone," Morgana told her.
"Then why has this happened?" Ryll cried out. Her eyes were wet with tears. "Why are we having this conversation? Why did you leave me and forget that you once called me sister?"
"I haven't forgotten."
"Do I have to pick a side? Because my family – the one I've created – is split down the middle, and I don't know where to go. I don't want to have to choose in the end. I'm tired of this being about what side I'm on, what side any of us are on. Maybe I am asking for something. Maybe I'm asking for you to forgive Arthur."
"If you're expecting him to forgive me, don't hold your breath."
"Sometimes forgiving isn't about receiving forgiveness back, it's about taking a chance."
"I'm scared," Morgana told her softly. "Scared that I'm beyond forgiveness, scared that my heart has grown so cold that I cannot give forgiveness either."
"It's all right to be afraid," Ryll told her. "But you don't have to be. You don't have to be alone anymore either."
Morgana had felt alone ever since Morgause had died and many times long before that, but she realized Ryll had been there all along. Morgana had simply shut her out, pretended that she didn't mean anything to her anymore, but that wasn't true. She'd shut out everyone she cared about as if she could find her place in the world without them, but Ryll was right, she kept trying to come home. She suddenly couldn't seem to get enough air in her lungs. She took a shuddering breath that wracked her whole body. Then suddenly she was crying, letting out all the pent up emotions she'd tried to push deep inside of her all these years. Arms wrapped around her and Ryll pulled her into a tight hug. Morgana cried into her shoulder, too tired and worn to feel embarrassed or ashamed.
When she had finally let out her emotions, she and Ryll sat on a wooden bench together while Aithusa watched on protectively. They didn't speak, but Ryll knew Morgana needed time to think. Nothing about her life made any sense anymore, but Ryll was offering her a chance that she didn't think would come again.
Ryll offered to cook the deer and talked about old times while Morgana sat huddled under the blanket. Ryll handed her a bowl of stew when she was finished cooking and they ate in silence. After Ryll had helped her upstairs again to her bed, she used a healing spell again, and Morgana felt a little of the oppression lift from her body.
"I'm going to go tend to Owl and then find somewhere to sleep. I'm going to stay here until I know you're going to be all right."
All Morgana could do was nod as Ryll turned away. "Thank you," she said before Ryll disappeared down the stairs. She turned back. "For not giving up on me," Morgana finished.
Ryll smiled. "It's never too late to change," she said. "But that has to be your choice. Either way, I forgive you." She left Morgana with that word echoing around in her head. Forgive, forgive, forgive. One small word yet it lit her dreams that night like a beacon of hope.
