I really need to apologize for the time it has taken me to update this. I have been extremely busy with work, the holidays, etc...so thank you to everyone who is sticking with this in spite of my lack of updates. I swear I will try to do better with it. I have some time off work now, so maybe I can get several updates done pretty quickly after Christmas. I really enjoyed reading all the reviews and the PMs from people who have taken an interest in this story. I will not address the comments made by JesusLovesMe, except to say that this person is taking pride is showing his ignorance and I won't let that kind of hate influence my writing or beliefs. Thank you to those of you who have been supportive.

Enjoy the chapter...I'm looking forward to thoughts/comments.

Oh, and I hope everyone has a joyous holiday season!

December 31, 2014 11:15 AM

Olivia sat at her desk, looking through files on her computer and staring at the clock. New Year's Eve was never dull at SVU, but this year she wasn't in the mood to face the chaos that was sure to ensue at any given moment. She'd come back to work the day before, facing knowing glances from the squad that made her aware that they'd been filled in on her situation. No one had said anything though, and she hadn't made a big announcement either. She wasn't ready to be treated with kid gloves.

The knock on her office door forced her to raise her head from the computer screen just as Fin pushed the door open slightly. "You busy?" he asked and she motioned him in. He walked over to the chair by her desk and sat down, staring at her and she knew he was going to ask about the pregnancy and she wasn't sure what to tell him. "How are you doing?" he asked sincerely.

"I'm fine," she sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "Are things getting busy out there? You need me to help out?"

He shook his head, "It's slow…unbelievably slow for New Year's Eve…" he sighed and tapped his fingers on the desk. "And I'm not sure how much helping you should be doing anyway." He shook his head, "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked. "You and Stabler…again?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she sputtered. "There is no me and Elliot…trust me…"

"You're pregnant," Fin reminded her. "And Stabler's the father...and I had to hear it from Nick. Then Dodds comes in here and announces you're resting because of complications and he's looking for someone to replace you…and you never said anything to me. I thought we were closer than that."

Olivia shrugged, "We are…" she sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to announce it yet…in case…you know, I'm forty-six…this might not work out…"

"Hey, now…" Fin's face softened. "Don't say that. I'm sure everything will be fine."

Olivia took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, "I hope…I'm just worried…"

"Mothers always worry," Fin smiled. "How's Stabler taking all this? He probably freaked, didn't he? Man...he has the worst luck when it comes to birth control..."

Olivia shook her head, "This isn't really a normal situation, Fin." She wasn't sure she should fill him in on all the details but finally decided to get to the truth. "Elliot…we're not…I mean…"

"Whatever you're trying to say, just spill it?" Fin replied with frustration.

"He donated sperm to me," she said and she watched his face grimace. "It was a long time ago…and I froze some embryos. I never used them…honestly at this point I never thought I would, but the cryobank was closing down and they asked me to donate them…and I couldn't do it. So I used them."

"What the hell?" Fin asked closing his eyes and then opening them, unable to take in what she was saying. "You do know you already have a baby, right? How the hell are you gonna manage all this? I mean, I assumed it was an accident…a surprise…but you did this on purpose?"

"I deserve the chance to carry my own children," she said, more defensively than she expected. "Those embryos were a part of me…a part of Elliot…I couldn't just give them away. I had to try…"

"So are you leaving?" Fin asked. "Doing the stay at home mom thing…or something…"

Olivia shook her head, "No…" she sighed. "I don't think so…I need to work. I need my job. Elliot and I…we're not a couple. I only told him about the pregnancy because Eli has leukemia and needs a donor and I thought maybe we'd have a match." Her eyes were teary, and she tried to keep from crying, "I'm having twins…"

"What?" Fin's eyes widened. "Are you serious?"

She nodded, letting a tear slide down her cheek and quickly brushing it away, "That wasn't supposed to happen…but it did…and now the babies might not be able to help Eli because it is hard to get cord blood from twins. And Elliot says he wants to be their father, but really he only wants to make sure I don't change my mind about helping Eli. We had a fight on Christmas…and I haven't seen him since…"

"What did you fight about?" Fin asked.

"It doesn't matter," Olivia said sadly. "But I'm on my own…I'm going to have three children, on my own…"

"You're not on your own," Fin said gently. He reached across the desk, squeezing her hand and giving a wink, "You have all of us…"

"Even though I did this on purpose?" she asked. "Even though you think it was wrong?"

"I don't think it was wrong," Fin promised. "I was just surprised…I guess the situation makes me a little uncomfortable…but I'll get over it and what I think doesn't matter anyway…I do think you'll be a great mom. In fact...I know you will. You already are and Noah deserves to be a big brother."

"Thanks…sometimes, I think I made a big mistake," she said, rubbing her temples and closing her eyes. "I wasn't prepared for the pregnancy…the morning sickness…exhaustion…hormones...and I'm only eight weeks…"

"It'll get easier," Fin told her. "Until you start getting really big, and then it'll be miserable in a new way." He laughed, "I have a feeling you're not going to be easy to work for…"

"Shut up, Fin," she snickered.

"See…it's starting already," he laughed. Then he stood up and smiled, walking toward the door. "You take it easy…and let me know if you need help with anything. Me, Nick, Amanda…we're all here for you. You don't have to go through this by yourself."

"Thanks…" she whispered.

December 31, 2014 8:45 PM

She wanted to go home…more than anything, she wanted to ring in the New Year cuddled up in comfortable sweats with her son. Yet here it was, fourteen hours into the New Year's Eve shift and there was no sign of things slowing down enough to allow her to leave early. It took a while, but eventually the day became the typical hustle and bustle she'd grown to expect working SVU on this night, and after talking to witnesses and victims for hours on end, she'd told the rest of the squad she had paperwork to attend to and had resigned to the quiet comfort of her office. At least she could close her eyes for a few minutes. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so tired.

Her phone buzzed and she picked it up, smiling at the picture of Noah in his Happy New Year hat that Lucy had sent her. She didn't know what she'd do without the babysitter. This girl had been a God-send…always willing to stay late or come in early…sometimes even in the middle of the night. She'd given up her New Year's Eve to stay with Noah, and even though Olivia paid her well for it she wasn't sure there were many people who would be as dedicated to a babysitting job as Lucy was. Olivia hadn't told her about the pregnancy yet. She was scared…scared of losing the one person she'd grown to depend on to help out, because as good as Lucy was with Noah, this was still just a job to her, and there was no way she'd want to take on three babies, Olivia was sure of that, and she couldn't blame her. She wasn't sure she could handle three babies, and they were her own children. The thought was overwhelming more often than not.

"Hey Liv…" Nick's voice brought her back from her thoughts and she glanced up at him. "There's some woman here to see you. She says she'll only talk to you…it's personal I think." He looked seriously at her, "You look tired. Do you want me to try to get her to talk to me?"

"No," Olivia cleared her throat and forced a smile, "Send her in."

Nick nodded, motioning the woman into the office and he saw Olivia's whole demeanor change with the woman's presence in the room. He reluctantly left them alone, glancing at them through the office window as the woman sat in the chair across from Olivia's desk.

"Kathy…" Olivia sighed, "What are you doing here? Is something wrong?"

Kathy shook her head, "No…I was in the city for a New Year's thing with some friends from work…I just wanted to stop by…"

"Why?" Olivia asked, realizing it sounded too blunt. "I mean…is there a reason you needed to see me?"

"I just…" Kathy struggled to find the right words, "I wanted you to know…I'm sorry about Christmas…"

Olivia shook her head, "Don't be…you have every right to be angry…so do the kids…and I didn't leave because of any of you. I left because of Elliot and he knows why…"

Kathy shook her head, "He doesn't…" she sighed. "Olivia…he's really clueless sometimes. I know how bad it sounded, him going on and on about the twins helping Eli and saying he didn't care how miserable you are as long as you make it to term…but he didn't mean to hurt you. He doesn't think sometimes…"

"He never thinks," Olivia sputtered. "Kathy…I'm sorry I didn't check with you about the sperm. I believed him that he'd asked you. Maybe I was naïve, but I really thought you were okay with it, or I wouldn't have done it."

"I know that," Kathy sighed. "And I shouldn't have been so worked up about it now anyway. Elliot and I have been divorced for a while. It shouldn't bother me anymore…but Olivia, he's a mess right now. He misses you."

"He misses me?" Olivia asked. "How the hell can he miss me? He didn't miss me all the years he just disappeared from my life without a single phone call or email…anything. But now, after seeing me off and on for a week or so…he misses me?" She rolled her eyes in frustration.

"He's worried about you," Kathy went on. "About how sick you are, with no one there to help. And he said he's tried calling you and texting you, but you won't respond or answer your phone and he's afraid of pushing you farther away." She shook her head, "He went back to DC last night."

"He what?" Olivia asked with surprise. "What about Eli?"

Kathy shook her head, "He's feeling a little better…and Elliot thought it would make more sense for him to go back to work, and then come back closer to time for the cord blood transplant…if you're still willing to do that…"

"Of course I'm doing that," Olivia said quickly. "What happens between me and Elliot has nothing to do with whether or not I want to help Eli. But you do know the chance of the twins being able to donate is less than we'd hoped?"

"I know," Kathy sighed. "But I'm still hoping." She gave a weak smile, "Can you do me a favor? Call Elliot…tell him you're doing okay. Don't tell him I came to check on you, but just tell him everything is all right. He needs to hear from you."

"I don't want to talk to him," Olivia admitted. "I can't have him in my life right now."

"He's afraid," Kathy said gently. "Of losing Eli…but also of losing you and these babies…"

"He lost me a long time ago," Olivia shook her head sadly. "And it was his choice. I can't go through that again…and I won't put my children through it. The things he said at Christmas, they hurt me…but really all I could think of was how my kids deserve better than a father who only wants them for their DNA."

"Olivia…that's really not true," Kathy said sadly. "He's made mistakes…but he's a good father. No one can deny that."

"He is a good father," Olivia agreed. "To your kids…not to mine." She picked up a file folder, glancing at it in an attempt to mask the tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry…I need to get back to work. We're swamped tonight."

Kathy stood up, heading to the door, "I have to get home anyway. Liz is staying with Eli, but I want to ring in the New Year with him." She reached for the door handle, but turned back to Olivia, "I really am sorry about Christmas," she said. "I'm so grateful for what you're doing for my son…and I should've said that before now."

Olivia nodded, but didn't say anything as she pretending to look over the paperwork. When she heard the door close, she looked up tearfully. She was not going to call Elliot…she wouldn't go through all of that again…

December 31, 2014 11:35PM

"I'm home…" Olivia whispered as she made her way into the apartment. She saw Lucy, sitting on the sofa watching a New Year's Eve special and Noah was sound asleep in his crib.

"You're early," Lucy smiled, standing to her feet and Olivia nodded. She wasn't going to tell the girl that she'd been forced to go home because she wasn't allowed to work so many hours in a row due to her pregnancy and when the chief had found out she was still there after sixteen hours he'd threatened to take her job away completely, fearing she'd sue the NYPD if anything happened to her babies because of the long hours and added stress of the New Year's shift.

"We weren't as busy as usual," Olivia lied. "It's still pretty early…you could still go out…" she looked at her watch, as the girl grabbed her things.

"Thanks," she grinned. "Noah's been asleep for a while. He missed you at bedtime though."

Olivia smiled and nodded, watching the girl leave and then locking the door behind her. Then she peeked at her son in his crib, running her fingers gently across his cheek, and slowly making her way to the bedroom to get ready for bed. She pulled off her blouse, planning to slip her comfortable nightshirt on instead, but something caught her eye and she stared at herself in the mirror. She looked at her body, running her hand along her stomach until she reached the waist of her slacks. She'd struggled to button them that morning, which had become the new morning routine for her, but sometime in the afternoon she'd made her hourly trip to the ladies room and discovered she couldn't rebutton them at all, no matter how she shifted of maneuvered, she couldn't force her pants to fasten and had gone the whole rest of the day with her slacks unbuttoned. She'd been reading a book on twin pregnancy that suggested women carrying multiples would show much earlier, but it also said bloating throughout the day could leave a woman looking more pregnant by afternoon and evening than she did in the morning, and Olivia could only assume that was what was happening to her now. "I need new clothes," she sighed, slipping off her pants and pulling the nightshirt over her head. She cringed at the way the fabric pulled at her chest, her breasts spilling out from the plunging V-neck, and she started to cry…softly at first, but then long, hard sobs.

Her phone rang, and she answered it without looking at the number, assuming it was work and trying to muffle her tears, "Benson…" she said, her voice tearful and weak.

"Liv?" Elliot's voice echoed through the phone and she cleared her throat, trying to rid the tears from her voice. "Olivia…what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"Nothing's wrong," she insisted. "Why are you calling? I told you to give me some space…"

"I just wanted to say Happy New Year," Elliot answered. "It's been a week…I wanted to check on you…"

"I'm fine…" Olivia sniffled. "The babies are too…we're all fine." She couldn't stop her tears from flowing and all she wanted to do was hang up and curl up under her covers and sob.

"You're not fine," Elliot argued. "You're crying…what's the matter? Just tell me…"

Olivia's voice shook through her tears, "I'm fat…okay…I'm crying because I'm so damn fat. I can't button my pants, my boobs hurt, my bra doesn't fit…nothing fits…" she sobbed.

"Olivia…calm down," Elliot said softly. "It's okay…"

"No it's not," she cried. "I'm scared…I think I made a mistake…"

"I think you're tired…" Elliot said sincerely. "And a little hormonal…and maybe you had a rough day at work…"

Olivia shook her head, "I don't have time to go buy new clothes…" she sobbed.

Elliot smiled slightly, knowing this was nothing more than a normal mood swing, but he wished he was there to help her through it, "Liv…calm down. You can always wear leggings or sweats or something for a few days and order some clothes online. Or take the morning off and go shopping if you want. Don't stress yourself out over this…it isn't healthy for you or the twins."

"I don't know if I can do this, Elliot," she admitted. "People are treating me differently…and I hate that. I told Fin you donated sperm to me…and he was disgusted…he acted all weird…" she cried. "I'm some sort of freak now…"

"Liv, I'm back in DC right now," Elliot said gently. "But I can get back to New York tomorrow morning. Do you want me to come back? I don't want you feeling like this…all on your own."

"No," she sighed. "We need time apart."

"You keep saying that," he argued. "But I don't think it's true. We need to be together… so I can help you."

"I'll be fine in the morning…I just need some sleep," she said, drying her tears and leaning back on the bed. The distant sound of noisemakers, whistles, and fireworks let her know the new year had officially begun. "Happy New Year…" she whispered.

"Happy New Year," Elliot echoed. "We have a lot to look forward to this year," he reminded her.

"I need time, El," she said matter-of-factly. "I'm sorry…but I need time to get used to all of this. Nothing is going the way I planned…"

"I know," he admitted, "But promise me you'll call if you need me. Please…"

"Okay," she reluctantly agreed. She heard Noah crying in the other room, obviously awakened by the New Year's celebrations happening outside. "I have to go, El…the baby's crying…"

"All right," he sighed. "But Liv…please answer when I call, okay…or respond to your texts. I want to know you're okay."

"I will," she agreed, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," he said gently. "Happy New Year."

More to come...sooner rather than later this time! :)