Hello all! Happy New Year's Eve! I hope everyone has fun, exciting plans for the night. I am stuck at home in bed sick, but at least it gave me time to write. ;)

Thanks so much for all the kind reviews. I am glad people are enjoying the direction the story is heading. My goal was to write a lot more over my break...but here it is already Wednesday and this one chapter seems to have taken me forever, and I go back to work Monday. I don't know why I am struggling so much to get this story out, but I hope it will be worth it in the end.

Enjoy...and let me know what you think. Thanks :)

PS: Sorry to those who had an alert for this and then couldn't access the chapter. I'm not sure what the trouble is. I thought it was the site, but I see other stories that were updated after mine with the new chapters, so I am attempting to re-post it. I hope it works.

PPS: This is my third and final attempt of the night. If it doesn't work, I will cry myself to sleep and try again tomorrow. I hope you all have better things to do tonight than check here for updates. (I don't...but I wish a more exciting NYE for all of you!)

January 29, 2015 2:15AM

Elliot felt the rustle of the blankets on the bed and opened his eyes as Olivia quickly pulled herself away from him with a startled gasp. She sat up, and he squinted to try to make out her expression in the dark. He was worried about the way she'd jolted awake. "Liv…you okay?" he asked, sitting up himself and waiting for her to turn to face him. She had her hand on her stomach, and her breathing was erratic, but she didn't say anything and he reached out and placed his hand on top of hers. "Hey…what's wrong? Is it the babies?" he asked nervously.

She turned to look at him, "I'm fine," she said with a quiver. Then she pushed his hand away from her and climbed over Noah who was sleeping at her side, until her feet were on the floor. "I need to go to the bathroom. That's all…"

He watched her walk unsteadily out of the room and he wasn't sure she was being truthful. The room was dark and cold, and he pulled the blanket up around Noah, checking his head and feeling relieved that his fever seemed to be gone. After a few minutes, he climbed out of bed, shivering a little at the chill in the room and walked to the hall, listening outside the bathroom door at the water running in the sink. He tapped gently on the door, "Liv…you've been in there a while. You sure you're all right?"

She opened the door, staring at him with her face damp from the water she'd splashed on it and sighed, "I told you…I had to pee. I'm pregnant…I wake up a million times a night…"

"Why is your face wet?" he asked, staring at the damp ringlets of hair surrounding her face. "Were you sick? If you don't feel well I can help…"

"I wasn't sick," Olivia pushed past him and down the hall toward her bedroom, opening the door and tripping on an empty laundry basket she'd forgotten was in the floor. "Dammit!" she yelled, kicking the basket across the floor until it crashed against the wall.

Elliot rushed over to her, grabbing her arm, "Olivia…what the hell…you're gonna wake up the baby."

"Leave me alone," she looked at him with an anger he'd never seen before and shoved him away from her. "Don't you touch me…" she sputtered, climbing into bed by her son and shaking as she pulled the covers over her.

"Olivia…" Elliot walked to the side of the bed, his voice a nervous whisper, "What's wrong? Something's wrong…"

She looked tearfully at him, shaking her head, but her voice was calmer, "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I guess I…" she sighed. "I don't feel so good. Can you get me some gingerale? The cranberry kind…it's in the fridge…"

"Sure…" Elliot could tell she was lying, but he didn't know how to get the truth out of her. He walked to the kitchen, trying not to stumble in the darkness and wondering if the power would ever come back on. He opened the refrigerator, which was dark due to the power outage and squinted his eyes until he found the pink cranberry gingerale, opening it and pouring some in a glass. Then he walked back to the bedroom and smiled weakly when he saw her sitting up, her hand on Noah's forehead. "I think his fever's gone," he said, handing her the glass and she took a small sip.

"Yeah…thank God," she sighed, "Thanks for the gingerale. I feel better…"

"Can I sit here?" he asked, patting the side of the bed, unsure how she'd respond.

"Yeah…of course…" she whispered. "I'm sorry about all that…I just felt bad…"

"Liv…what was that?" he asked, sitting next to her. "That wasn't feeling bad. What's wrong with you?"

She took another sip of her gingerale and shook her head, "It was nothing, El. Really…I had a bad dream and when I woke up, I just…" she exhaled slowly. "I just didn't feel well. I swear…that's all."

"Liv, you looked panicked. You shoved me…that wasn't a bad dream," he insisted. "You need to tell me what's happening. Are you in pain? The babies…"

"It has nothing to do with the babies," Olivia assured him. "It was a flashback…okay," she let her tears fall. "And I haven't had one in so long…but I was dreaming about it, and when I woke up you were touching me…"

"What?" Elliot asked, confused. "A flashback to what? Liv…what's going on?"

"To Lewis…" she said honestly, taking another sip of her drink before sitting the glass on the nightstand and burying herself down under the covers. "I just need to sleep now…okay…"

"Lewis?" Elliot asked. "Who the hell is that?"

"That sicko, William Lewis…" Olivia's eyes widened in disbelief, "You don't know?" she asked and she could tell by the confusion on his face that he didn't. She closed her eyes and sighed, "He was just a guy we were after…and things went wrong…but it's over…" Her voice quivered, "I can't talk about it. I thought you knew. The whole world knows…"

"Liv," he looked fearfully at her, putting his hand on her shoulder, "Honey…"

"Don't patronize me," she cried, pushing his hand away. "Please…just let me go to sleep."

"He hurt you…" he said knowingly, and he suddenly felt sick to his stomach. "Please tell me…"

"No," she sniffled, closing her eyes and rolling away from him. "I need to sleep. I feel nauseous…the babies, you know. I'll call my therapist tomorrow if I need to…I promise…but tonight…" she cried. "I'm tired…"

The lights flickered on, the yellow glow streaming under the door and the TV was echoing from the other room. "Electricity is back on…" Elliot said, his head in a fog as he watched her pretend to sleep. "I'll go turn everything off. Will you be okay?"

"I'm fine," she mumbled, and he pretended to believe her even though he knew it wasn't true. "Can you turn the heat up? I'm freezing."

"Of course, you get some sleep…"he nodded and walked out the door.

January 29, 2015 4:00AM

Elliot turned up the thermostat, and clicked off all the lights, muting the sound on the television, grabbing Olivia's laptop from the coffee table and sitting back on the sofa, opening it and taking a deep breath. He quickly typed in the name William Lewis along with Olivia's name and gasped when article after article popped up on the screen. Most were from New York and New Jersey papers or television stations and ranged in date from May 2013 to May 2014. How the hell had this psychopath tortured her over and over again for a year without him hearing about it?

A picture stood out, accompanying the first article he'd clicked on…Olivia, wrapped in a blanket with Nick Amaro guiding her out of some building…probably a house of some kind. Her face was bruised and a bloody gash ran from the top of her head down the side. The look in her eyes was painful, grief-stricken, broken…it was the same look he'd seen from her in the bedroom and it made him nauseous. The next picture was probably from a day or so later…Olivia outside the police station while the media harassed her trying to get a statement or photos. Her arm was in a sling, and her bruises were a darker shade of purple, her eye was swollen shut…then he started to read the article, the details the reporter had been allowed access to and he knew from experience that the reality of the situation had to be a hundred times worse. He read article after sickening article…until he reached the end, the one that described in detail how Olivia had been forced to hold a gun to her own head and pull the trigger more than once while the devil himself watched on in delight, and the picture accompanying it showed her in the back of a police car, her face covered with fresh blood and he couldn't tell if it was hers or not. He felt his stomach lurch and ran to the bathroom, kneeling down and throwing up at the disgust of it all.

He stood up, flushing the toilet and turned to the sink, jumping a little when he saw her standing in the doorway. "Liv…why are you up?" he asked, trying to clear his throat and then running the water and rinsing his mouth.

"I heard something," she admitted, looking him over. "Are you okay? I thought I was the one who was supposed to puke every day. Why are you sick? Do you have a stomach bug?"

He shook his head and forced a weak smile, "I just ate something bad from the fridge…guess I should have known not to eat old take-out from your refrigerator. Lord knows how long it's been in there," he put his hand gently on the swell of her stomach, "Are you feeling okay? Do you need anything?"

"I'm fine…" she said, looking at him and recognizing the look of pity and shame in his eyes, and she bit her bottom lip trying not to cry. "I don't think there were any leftovers in the fridge, El. I pretty much eat the whole helping of everything anymore."

"See…it was so old you don't even remember," he smirked. "I'm feeling better. Go back to bed…unless you need in here. Are you sure you feel okay? Your stomach isn't queasy? Cause you said you usually wake up feeling queasy…"

She shook her head, "I'm fine, El…why don't you come back to bed with me, okay…Noah and I are still cold."

"Okay," he nodded, "I was watching TV. Let me go turn it off and then I'll be in."

"I can do it," she offered. "You don't feel well…"

"I feel fine now," he assured her, wrapping his arms around her and looking into her eyes, "You go back to bed. Check on the baby and make sure he's still feeling okay. I'll be there in a minute." His eyes were blurred with tears he was fighting to hold back, but he could see the shame on her face, the realization that he knew what had happened and there was no going back.

January 29, 2015 6:30AM

He hadn't slept the rest of the night, thinking about the images on the computer, the articles he'd read, and wondering why he never knew. He'd been working in DC, and spent part of every spring on a training assignment out of state, but even if he hadn't been around when it happened his family knew…his friends knew…someone should've told him. She'd pretended to be asleep when he came back from turning off the TV and computer, but he knew she was awake too. It had taken a while for her breaths to return to the even snoring sound he'd chuckled at earlier in the evening. And then he'd turned toward her, watching her sleep and thanking God she was still alive after all she'd been through, but wondering if she was really truly the same person anymore.

Noah gave a small cough and then cried out, sitting up on the bed and Elliot reached for him. He held the little boy close, feeling his head and smiling at the realization that his fever was still gone. "Hey little one," he whispered. "Let's go get your medicine and change your diaper. Mommy needs to sleep."

He picked up the baby, carefully climbing out of bed and trying not to disturb Olivia, but she opened her eyes and looked at him, "What time is it?" she asked, her voice raspy with sleep. "I should feed him…"

"It's a little after six," Elliot whispered. "He's feeling better. I'm gonna give him his medicine and feed him. You go back to sleep for a while."

"I can do it," she said, not really attempting to get out of bed. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

"You rest," Elliot insisted. "And I'll bring you some breakfast too…all right?"

"Can you bring me gingerale?" she asked, rubbing her hand over her stomach. "The cranberry kind…"

"Sure," he smiled, leaning over and kissing her on the forehead. "I'll be right back."

It was half an hour later when he pushed the door open, Noah situated on his left hip, and a tray of food balanced in his right hand. Olivia sat up and looked at him, "You didn't need to go to that much trouble," she smiled, and he sat the baby next to her and put the tray down on the nightstand. "You made eggs?" she asked, grabbing the glass of gingerale and taking a sip.

"Please tell me you don't have some weird pregnancy aversion to eggs," he groaned, sitting next to her and putting Noah in his lap.

"I don't," she smiled. "They look good." She grabbed the plate and took a bite, "They taste good…I could get used to this."

He laughed, watching her take another drink of her gingerale, "Liv…why do you have fifteen two liter bottles of that cranberry gingerale in your kitchen? I was looking for things in the cabinet and kept finding bottle after bottle of it."

"I like it," she snickered. "Besides, I discovered it the day after Christmas, and I was afraid they might stop selling it after the holidays so I decided to stock up. It really helps with my morning sickness…better than the plain kind."

"Really?" he asked. "Sure you don't just like it because it's pink?"

She laughed, "Funny…No…that's not it. I swear…" she watched as he put some eggs on a spoon and fed them to Noah. The little boy seemed surprised by the taste, but smiled and ate them. "He likes them," she said. "I usually just give him cereal."

"He has to try new things," Elliot said, giving the baby another bite. "So he can decide what he likes."

"I'm always rushing around while I'm feeding him," Olivia admitted. "Makes it harder to let him try new things." She took another bite and then put the plate back on the tray, climbing down from the bed. "I have pee…" she said, rushing out of the room.

Elliot laughed, feeding the baby and talking softly to him. Olivia had been gone awhile when he looked up and saw her standing in the doorway, her face a pasty white. "Liv?" he asked, and she shook her head, walking over to him and tossing her laptop on the bed. "Liv…I can explain…"

"You didn't even delete your browsing history," she sputtered. "Just left it all there…"

"Why were you on the computer in the first place?" he asked. "I thought you were in the bathroom."

"I was…but then I remembered I needed to check my work email," she said, staring at him with an angry hurt in her eyes. "How could you? I told you I was fine…"

"You're never fine when you say you are…and I wanted to know what happened," Elliot admitted. He put the baby on the floor with a few of his toys and walked over to her. "Liv…I'm sorry…I didn't know…"

"Everyone knows, El…" she yelled. "Every damn person on this planet knows! They stare at me…they judge me…" she cried. "And you want to tell me you didn't know what happened?"

"I didn't," he whispered tearfully. "If I had known…God…" he had to stop to catch his breath. "I would've killed that son of a bitch with my bare hands. I would've made him suffer…"

"Just stop…" she cried and he grabbed her and held her close to him. "Elliot…please just leave me alone," she sobbed.

"I read the reports," he admitted. "And I know they're never as bad as the truth. What did he do to you? I want to know…I need to know…"

"You don't need to know," she argued. "No one needs to know. God…what is wrong with you?"

"Thinking about it makes me sick," he said softly. "I should've been there…"

"That's why you threw up last night," she said knowingly. "Thinking about it…made you vomit…thinking about me makes you sick to your stomach…"

"No, Liv," he shook his head. "Not you…never you…him…thinking about him makes me sick…"

She tried to catch her breath, struggling to talk through her sobs, "Where were you?" she asked. "I kept thinking you would come back…that you'd help me…and you didn't…"

"Liv…" he cried, pulling her closer and running his fingers through her hair while she cried on his chest. "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry…"

She pulled away from him, sniffling and rubbing her eyes, making her way to the bed and sitting down, running her hand over her stomach, "I don't feel well…"

"Liv, don't do this," Elliot sat next to her and put his hand on top of hers. "Please…don't run away from this. We need to talk about it." He looked at her while she bit her lip nervously and stared blankly ahead, refusing to make eye contact with him. "Remember right before Christmas…when I said I loved you…that I always had? You said you didn't think we should rush into anything because we don't know each other anymore. This is what you were talking about…wasn't it?" She nodded reluctantly and he sighed, "Liv…you also said you didn't know me anymore…you didn't know about my job or anything about my life in DC…and God, you're right…I don't know what I was thinking…"

"See," she glanced at him, her eyes red from crying. "I knew you couldn't accept who I am now."

"No…I'm talking about who I am, Liv…" he ran his hand along the back of his neck. "I live in DC…and I work for the FBI…"

"You're FBI?" her eyes widened in disbelief, "You hate the damn Feds…you gave me all kinds of shit for working for them…and that's what you do now?"

"Liv…listen to me," he tried to explain. "When I left SVU…I didn't want to…I had no choice. They wouldn't let me work there anymore. They were gonna make me do all kinds of therapy and anger management and then they were gonna transfer me out…"

"Cragen fought for you," she argued. "He wasn't going to let them do that."

He shook his head, "He told you that?" he asked, and she nodded. "He lied to you, Liv. He wanted me gone…"

"No..I don't believe that," Olivia sputtered. "He said he loved you like a son."

"He told me the same thing," Elliot sighed, "And he said that's why I should leave. He didn't want to see me fall apart. He said I'd worked SVU too long and it was getting to me. Not everyone can handle it forever, Liv…I couldn't…he probably didn't have the heart to tell you that."

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked. "I would've understood."

"No you wouldn't have," he said seriously. "Because that place is more than a job to you…"

"It was more than a job to you too," she reminded him.

"But I didn't want it to be anymore," he admitted. "I didn't want that place to be the focus of my life…I needed out."

"So…FBI…" she sighed. "How the hell did that happen?"

He shrugged, "I'd had training…and I had contacts…it wasn't hard to get in…" He looked sadly at her, "Liv…every spring the FBI sends me to a training facility…all of us who go are completely cut off from our families and friends…I wasn't here when Lewis kidnapped you…either time. And I swear to you…no one ever told me." He looked tearfully at her and rubbed his hand over her stomach, "I wish I hadn't left. I really do. I should've been here."

"You really didn't know." She said as the realization hit. "I wish you hadn't found out like this…I wish you'd never found out…"

"You scared me when you woke up from that flashback," he said cautiously. "But when I read the articles…Liv, I'm sorry I got sick…but thinking about him hurting you…the pictures…"

"I survived," she said, more solemnly than she meant to, "I didn't think I would. I wasn't sure I wanted to…"

"You wanted to," he insisted. "Of course you wanted to…"

She shook her head, "I'm not sure I did…" her voice shook. "It took a year of therapy for me to even feel like I deserved to survive that…and the scars are still there…they always will be."

"The scars?" he asked, looking her over for any sign of the vicious attack.

"I don't mean the physical scars," she explained. "I have plenty of those too…mostly in places you can't see…" she cringed. "But there is a scar on my soul that will never go away. It's changed me…and I can't be the person I was before."

"You don't have to be," he said sincerely. "Be who you are now. I love who you are now."

"No you don't," she sighed, standing up and walking over to the window, looking out at the soft blanket of white. She arched her back to ease some of the pressure and rubbed her neck with her hand and Elliot walked over to her, putting his hands on her shoulders and massaging them gently.

"I love who you are now," he said again. "You're a beautiful person…a good mom…and you're the strongest person I know…even stronger than you were before and I didn't think that was possible."

"I need you to be my friend Elliot," she whispered. "Not my savior…or my lover…or whatever the hell you think you want to be. I just need a friend…"

"I can do that," he smiled, wrapping his hands around her waist and feeling the warm, firm bulge of the babies beneath his hands.

"I don't know if I can be friends with a Fed," Olivia teased, turning around and looking at him with a smirk. "You see…my old partner…he told me not to trust them…"

Elliot laughed, "That guy sounds like a jerk."

"He kind of was," she chuckled. "But I loved him…" she leaned her head against his chest and he hugged her close, kissing the top of her head.

"You still do," Elliot whispered. "And he loves you too…he always will…"

More to come...if I can get the kinks worked out with the uploading issue :)