Hey all...thanks again for the reviews. They always make me smile. I managed to get this next chapter done in less than a week from the time I posted the last one. Maybe I am on the mend and will actually be feeling like my old self soon. Let's hope! I swear I cannot take one more doctor visit...
Anyway...more drama...because I'm in a dramatic mood (and also I swear these characters do whatever the hell they want, regardless of what I want anyway.) Enjoy!
March 21, 2015 9:30 PM
Elliot unlocked the front door, surprised by the dark stillness of the apartment. He knew it was late, but part of him expected Olivia to be waiting up for him and the fact that she wasn't made him worry. He walked through the shadowy living room and over to Noah's crib. The baby was sleeping soundly, his tiny fist curled up against his chubby cheek and Elliot couldn't help but smile. It was impossible not to love this little boy.
He walked into the kitchen, grabbing a beer from the refrigerator and taking a long drink. Then he made his way slowly to the bedroom and opened the door gently so he wouldn't wake his sleeping wife. He stripped down to his boxers and sat his beer on the nightstand, slipping into the bed next to her, surprised when she rolled over and looked at him. "You're awake…" he whispered. "I thought you were sleeping…"
"I was…" she yawned. "But I heard the door when you came in."
"I'm sorry…" he said, taking a drink of his beer and she sat up and stared at him. "I didn't mean to wake you. I meant to be home earlier…it's been a long day."
She nodded, motioning toward the beer bottle, "You're drinking before bed? Must've been a rough day…"
He took another drink and sat the bottle on the nightstand, "Are you feeling okay?" he asked, leaning forward and kissing her softly until she pushed him away, her face pale and weak. "What's wrong?" he asked.
She shook her head and exhaled slowly, "The beer…on your breath…" she swallowed hard. "It's making me sick…"
"What?" he asked, "It's never bothered you before."
"I know…" she admitted. "New pregnancy thing," she sighed. "I really don't feel very good…" She pulled herself up from the bed and walked to the door.
"Are you gonna throw up?" Elliot asked, jumping to his feet but she ignored him and left the room. He could hear the water running in the bathroom and grabbed his beer bottle, taking it to the kitchen and pouring it down the sink, grabbing one of the mint candies Olivia liked to suck on throughout the day and hoping it would get rid of the beer smell. He turned to see her, standing over Noah's crib. "Hey…are you okay now?" he asked.
She nodded slowly, forcing a smile, "I didn't throw up…just needed to splash some water on my face." She sighed, "Sorry about that. Did you dump your beer?"
"Yeah…it'd just keep me awake anyway," he walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her. "You ready to go back to bed?" he asked.
She shook her head, "I'm hungry," she admitted with a shy smile.
Elliot laughed, "I thought you were sick?" he reminded her.
"I was…and now I'm not," she smiled. She looked at the clock, "It's not that late. Now I'm awake…and I'm craving pizza. We should order pizza."
"It is late…" he insisted. "And I'm pretty sure you already had dinner."
"I did…but the twins are going through a growth spurt or something," she smiled. "They're starving…for pizza…"
"What did you eat for dinner?" Elliot asked.
She shrugged, "Noah and I had macaroni and cheese…but that was hours ago." She leaned into his embrace, "Please?"
Elliot rubbed her back and kissed the top of her head, "Well I can't say no to a hungry pregnant woman," he teased. "Especially one as beautiful as you." He picked up the phone and ran through the contacts until he found the number for a late-night pizza delivery place. "What do you want?"
"Uhm…" she bit her lip and thought about it. "Something spicy…"
"Okay…" Elliot rolled his eyes. "I'll order the spicy sauce…but let's get veggies for the toppings. If you're gonna eat two dinners…one of them should be semi-healthy…okay?"
"Fine…" she agreed, giving a fake pout and walking to the sofa and sitting back, clicking on the TV and turning the sound down low while he ordered the food. Elliot finished ordering the pizza and sat on the sofa next to her, letting his hand rest on her stomach. "They're asleep…" she smiled, putting her hand on top of his.
"But they're hungry?" he asked, raising his eyebrow questioningly and laughing. She stretched her back and moaned a little. "You look tired," he said seriously. "You sure you want to stay up and eat pizza?"
"Yeah…" she yawned. "I want to talk anyway…"
He nodded, "I do too, but not if you're too tired." He rubbed her leg gently, "Here…give me your feet," he leaned back and let her curl up with her feet in his lap. He carefully began to massage her feet.
"What did I do to deserve this?" she asked with a grin. "Oh God…that feels so good…"
"You are carrying my children," he said softly. "I owe you…more than I can ever repay, Liv. I know that."
"No…" she insisted. "You gave me this chance to be a mom…and I'll never forget the risk you took in your own life…your marriage…your relationship with your kids…to make this happen for me. I'll be grateful to you for the rest of my life."
"So…I guess we're even then," he smiled and she nodded with a weak laugh. "Your feet look a little swollen…" he noticed, massaging gently. "How long has that been going on?"
She shrugged, "Since I got home from the hospital. It's worse today…probably because I was on my feet more with Noah this afternoon. I'm okay…"
"Just keep an eye on it," he suggested. "It could turn into something serious…"
"Yes Dr. Stabler," Olivia took her feet from his lap and put them back on the floor.
"I'm serious, Liv," he insisted. "I'm sure you're fine, but it doesn't hurt to keep an eye on things. Twins…your age…the shooting…we need to make sure to tell the doctor if you have any new problems."
"I know that, Elliot," she put her head in her hands and rubbed her temples. There was a knock at the door and she looked up at him, "The pizza's here…" her voice quivered and he nodded as he stood and walked to the door.
March 21, 2015 11:15PM
"Ugh…" Olivia ran her hand over her stomach and groaned. "My stomach hurts now. How can I be so hungry and then feel like this after I eat?"
"Probably because you already had dinner…" Elliot smiled.
"I think it was the peppers…" she sighed. "Or the onions. Why'd we have to order veggie pizza? I'm never gonna get to sleep now. The heartburn is gonna be miserable."
"I'll make you some warm milk," Elliot offered, walking into the kitchen and pouring the milk in a cup. When he came back in the room she was rubbing her hand slowly over stomach and breathing deeply. He handed her to cup, "Here…I'm sorry the veggie pizza made you sick. Maybe this will settle the acid in your stomach a little."
She took the cup and drank a sip, "Thanks…" she muttered. "I'm sorry for complaining…it wasn't the veggies…it was probably the spicy sauce I wanted…and the fact that I did already have dinner…" she smiled weakly. "El…after the twins are born…do you think I'm gonna be really fat?"
Elliot's eyes widened. "Of course not…you'll be beautiful…like always. Probably a little bigger than before…but you'll lose the weight. You don't need to worry about that right now anyway."
"In the beginning, I was so sick that I wasn't gaining anything," she sighed. "But now…I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm always hungry and all I want to do is eat."
"You are growing two little people," Elliot reminded her. "Of course you're hungry."
"You were teasing me about eating two dinners," she sighed. "And you're right. You keep saying I'm beautiful but I'm not. I'm swollen, and I have bags under my eyes, and I'm so fat…" her eyes filled with tears. "Elliot…today at the hospital…what Kathy said about you not wanting this…she's right. I know she's right…"
"Whoa…" Elliot interrupted her and put his hand on her shoulder. "I wanted us to talk about this tonight…but I'm not sure this is the right time. You are obviously upset about something that has nothing to do with what was said at the hospital. If you're not feeling well…and you're feeling bad about the weight and you think that has anything at all to do with me wanting or not wanting to be here…you're wrong. Honey…let's talk about what Kathy said tomorrow…after you've had time to sleep and get over this mood swing or whatever it is."
"This is not a damn mood swing," she cried, standing to her feet and walking back and forth across the room. "I'm fat…fine…I know you won't leave me over that. You're too honorable a guy to dump your pregnant wife for looking like a cow…"
"Olivia…" he stood up and grabbed her by the hand. "Calm down…"
"You don't understand," she insisted. "Kathy was right. I did want this. I wanted a baby…a family…I've never had a family of my own, El…and I could picture my child before I even got pregnant. A year ago…I was in a bad place…a dark place…but now, I have everything I ever wanted and I don't know what to do with that. I have three children…me…Olivia Benson…I'm a mom to three babies, El. I never thought I'd have that…but I made it happen. And I planned to do it all on my own. I didn't expect to share this with anyone…to worry about if I look sexy enough for my husband...or how all of this is affecting him…or whether or not we'll ever agree on baby names. So now I'm so confused about what my role is here and what yours is too…and when Kathy mentioned that you didn't want this, I guess I realized you're probably feeling the same way and I just wish things were different…"
Elliot ran his hand nervously across the back of his neck, "Different how?" he asked. "You don't want me to be a part of this? Is that what you're saying?"
"No…I'm not saying that at all," she admitted. "You are their father…I owe you the chance to be a part of this if you want to…I would never take that away."
"Then what are you saying," he sighed. "Because you're confusing the hell out of me."
"I don't know," she said, her face full of fear and regret. "I'm scared…like maybe we made the wrong choice in a moment of fear that we can't take back now…"
"A moment of fear?" he asked. "Liv…what the hell are you talking about?"
"Getting married…" she said, her voice quivering.
"You don't want to be married to me. That's what you're saying?" he sighed.
She shook her head, "I'm saying that I don't know what I want…because I never took to the time to think it all through. And neither did you, El. This is my fault. I begged you to marry me so you could stay. I didn't want to face being alone when I was in the hospital…but it was stupid of me to think we could just jump into a marriage based on circumstances beyond our control and fall into some blissful, happily-ever-after state without even thinking about love."
"You don't love me?" he asked, hurt because he loved her more than anything. He always had.
"I love you," she promised. "Of course I do…"
"Then we can make this work," he insisted. "Liv…we can do this…for the kids…"
She shook her head, "That's the point…we need to do the right thing for us. And I'm not sure either of us know what that is."
March 22, 2015 6:00AM
Elliot heard the shower running and looked at the clock. He didn't know how Olivia could be awake already after the night they'd had, but maybe she'd tossed and turned all night like him. He sat up on the sofa and put his head in his hands, thinking about their conversation the night before. We have to do the right thing for us… her words echoed over and over in his brain. Of course he loved her, he always had, but maybe that wasn't reason enough. He couldn't deny that she was right about one thing. If Eli hadn't gotten sick, they'd never have ended up together…and that wasn't a strong basis for any relationship.
He stood to his feet, walking over to Noah's crib and staring at the sleeping baby. He'd be waking up soon and then there'd be no time to talk with Olivia about their plans…whatever they were. He walked into the kitchen and cracked a few eggs in a bowl, stirring them with the whisk and pouring them into a skillet. At least he could make them breakfast.
"Hey…" he heard her voice behind him and turned to see her standing there in old sweats that were getting too snug with her hair hanging down in wet ringlets around her face. She was more beautiful than he remembered, and he'd just seen her a few hours before, but something felt different now. Like he needed to appreciate every moment he had with her in case it was the last one. "You're making eggs?" she asked, and he couldn't tell if she was making small talk or genuinely interested in his breakfast choice.
"Yeah…" he answered. "You were craving omelets yesterday," he reminded her. "So I thought you might still be today."
"Right now…I'm just craving food…any food…" she sat down at the bar stool and ran her hand over her stomach. "I'm starving."
"You look tired too," he noticed. "Why'd you get up so early?"
She shrugged, "I couldn't sleep." She admitted. "Elliot…what the hell are we going to do?" Her eyes filled with tears.
"Hey…" he walked over to her and pulled her close, letting her rest her head on his chest as her tears moistened his shirt. "It's gonna be okay. No matter what we decide…we're gonna be okay…"
"I don't know how to be a wife," she cried. "Especially to you…you're my best friend…and I love you so much…but I don't know how to be your wife."
"I know…" his voice cracked. "Liv…this whole thing…we jumped into it so fast but it felt right. I swear, to me…it felt right."
"It did to me too," she nodded. "But now…"
"Nothing is different now," he insisted. "Except that you're home and we're trying to settle into a life together and neither of us are used to that. I've been alone for a while now…and you've been alone…"
"Forever," she sputtered. "I've been alone forever. Hell…even when I was with Brian he was undercover half the time. I've always been fine by myself…"
"But being fine by yourself doesn't mean it is wrong to be fine with someone else too," he said gently.
"I don't want to get divorced…or get an annulment…whatever…" she sighed. "I really don't, El."
"Then what do you want?" he asked.
"I want to feel like we are together…for us…not for Eli and not for the twins…but because we can't live without each other," she cried.
"I can't live without you," he said softly.
"You did…for three years…" she reminded him. "You did just fine without me."
"Liv…I thought we went over this," he sighed. "I know it was wrong to leave like I did. I'm sorry…so sorry…but I can't change the past. I made a mistake, and if you can't forgive me for it, then maybe we can't ever get past this."
"I know you're sorry," she sputtered. "But I don't know how to just let it go."
"I thought you had," he said.
"I thought so too," she admitted. "But it is always in the back of my mind. Knowing you left me and didn't care enough to say good-bye…wondering where I'd be right now if I hadn't run into Kathy at the hospital that day and if she hadn't told me Eli needed a donor…wondering where you'd be if you weren't obligated to me now…"
"Olivia…I am not obligated to you," he argued. "I don't know what would've happened to you if you hadn't run into Kathy that day…but I can tell you this. I'd be alone in DC thinking about you…wondering about you…trying not to call you because I'd already made my choice and praying you had found someone better who could make you happy. And I know that's what I'd be doing because that is what I did for three damn years while we were apart." He picked up the skillet and let the eggs slide onto a plate and sat them in front of her. "Here…eat your breakfast…" he sighed.
"El…" she cried. "Please…" she pleaded. "Please don't be mad at me."
"I'm not mad at you," he sighed. "I'm just mad…at myself…at us…" he sat next to her and grabbed her fork, taking a bite of her eggs, "What the fuck is wrong with us, Olivia?"
"I don't know…" she sighed, grabbing the fork from him and taking a bite of her own. "Maybe we just didn't give ourselves time to fall in love…"
"I love you," he insisted.
"I know," she gave a weak smile. "Of course I know that, El…but maybe you're not in love with me. Maybe you don't know me well enough anymore to really and truly be in love with who I am now…and maybe I don't know you well enough either…"
"I've known you for seventeen years…" he reminded her.
"I'm not the same person I was seventeen years ago," she sighed. "Are you?"
He shook his head, "So where does that leave us?"
"I don't know," she said, taking another bite of her eggs. "I really don't…maybe we need some time apart…"
"No…" he argued. "I'm not gonna walk out on you…on my kids…"
"I don't mean that," Olivia insisted. "Just…maybe when Eli is feeling better, you should go back to work and I should go back to work…and we can see each other on weekends and really focus on trying to get to know each other…not on Noah or Eli or thinking of names for the twins, but on us…as a couple…we need that."
"You want me to go back to DC?" he asked.
"I don't want you to," she sighed. "But that's where your job is and you have to get back to work anyway."
"What if you need me?" he asked. "What if you go into labor early…or you get put on bedrest…or you want pizza at 3AM?" he forced a slight laugh.
"I'll be okay," she promised. "The twins will be okay. And maybe some time apart will help us realize exactly why we need to be together…"
"Or maybe we'll decide to stay apart," he sighed. "Did you ever think about that? What if one of us decides we're happier apart?"
"Then it's better for us to realize that now, isn't it?" she asked sadly.
He nodded, pulling her into an embrace and holding her close, "I do love you…" he whispered. "I do…"
"I love you too," she cried. "We'll be okay, El…" The baby's cries filled the room and Olivia pulled away from Elliot's arms. "I need to change him and get his breakfast…" she wiped her eyes.
"What about your bad arm? Elliot asked.
"I'll be fine…" she promised. "And you should go back to the hospital…Eli's getting released this morning and he'll want you there."
"Liv…" he said, but she shook her head and walked to Noah's crib, picking up the crying baby and holding him close to her. "I'm gonna take a shower…" he said, walking out of the room...leaving her alone.
More to come...