Time Slip
by
Blue Sonnet (Nana_41175)
Chapter 4
Later that night, Levi lay on his bed, still fully dressed. One arm was thrown over his eyes, his otherhand rested on his chest, just over his heart.
His fucking heart.
He'd lost count of just how many times it had seized inside his chest throughout the entire day. Just that one day when he'd seen Erwin again, not as he had been when Levi had last seen him, but alive and whole. Pathetic, Levi knew, yet there was no helping it. The mingled pain and pleasure of seeing Erwin standing by his doorway, and again during dinner and, worse, by lamplight, had reduced Levi to a state he'd not believed possible, the lump in his throat making speech difficult. There had been moments when he seriously thought he wouldn't be able to contain the flood of emotion as he looked at Erwin, so he'd not looked at him that much at all. It was fucking ridiculous.
Even worse was the way he'd allowed Erwin to sway him. The revelation of the 3DMG was inevitable, yes, but premature. He'd left an extra set of gear with High Command to enable the engineers to examine it, with the understanding that everything be kept under wraps until they were ready with their findings. There was no stopping the spread of the news now; it would be all over the place by the morrow, and he did not doubt that a demonstration would be arranged as soon as possible. He was sure that Erwin would see to it.
And all for what? Just so he could see that familiar spark of excitement in those vivid blue eyes. Just for that, he had allowed Erwin to manipulate the conversation around to revealing his gear. Worse still, he had encouraged it. He'd wanted Erwin to find out. He could have hidden the gear under the bed or locked it away in the cabinet, safe from prying eyes, but no. Oh, no.
It was painful to admit that he'd wanted to show off. Very badly. He had a feeling there would be more of that coming now.
And what of Erwin? What had he thought of Levi as he stood there in the doorway, his fist to his heart; as he passed food to and fro before they started dinner; as he listened to Levi explaining the 3DMG away as the latest upgrade from High Command? Erwin had been respectful, attentive, but once he'd got what he wanted, he'd gone, presumably to report to his superiors.
Levi turned his head to look at the empty bed beside him, remembering Erwin's ingenious yet tactful way of declining his invitation to take the bed. Not, Levi was forced to admit, that Erwin's refusal was unreasonable. Now that he thought of it, the proposal had an improper ring to it. For all he knew, Erwin must think that he was testing him, or else he was some sort of pervert who wanted to get Erwin into bed as soon as possible. Was it that obvious? Levi did want him. Still, it had made Levi realize that he had dropped his guard and allowed the man he knew so well to charm and manipulate his way through him to get what he wanted. It had been that way between them once, when they had first met; every encounter between them had been marked by a series of clashes, of maneuver and counter-maneuver, before respect had settled down between them and love had followed much later.
As unlikely as it had been, in the end, they had loved each other.
Levi shut his eyes tight, the fingertips of one hand settling firmly over his lids as though to keep them closed, yet nothing could prevent him from seeing those last moments again, of Erwin bleeding away before him, those honest blue eyes wide, already losing focus while Levi held onto his left hand, desperately whispering entreaties.
You said we'd go see the ocean…you promised me you won't give up…Please Erwin, you can't die…you can't…you just can't…
Erwin had looked at him, eyes brimming with apology.
An apology, of all things!
He did not know why, but Levi had never been so angry with Erwin as in that moment. When Erwin had parted his lips to say it out loud, he'd been ready to lash out: you're sorry? You're sorry?!
Only, Erwin had not apologized, and there had been three last words to leave his mouth instead of two.
I love you.
And then he had died. Just like that, Erwin had slipped away, taking Levi's heart with him. Or so Levi thought.
A dead thing ought not to hurt so much. Why was it still here, then, alive and beating so wildly underneath his clenched hand? Because for some reason, Hange had managed to pull off a miracle and he'd been given a second chance with Erwin.
Only, Erwin at eighteen was not the man he'd fallen in love with, and Erwin at eighteen was not in love with him. He could not afford to lose sight of the fact that he was dealing with a completely different person here. The Erwin he loved had not yet come into being.
Focus.
With an irritated huff, Levi pulled his hand away from his eyes as he mentally reviewed everything he knew about Erwin and, given his unusual, precarious position at present, Levi concluded that he would have to be very, very careful.