I'm back with chapter 32...and posting without waiting a month! I am going back to work next week, so my summer is over. I regret that I didn't get more done on this story over my break. :( I promise to keep up with it as well as I can though. I have an end in sight, just don't know how long it will take to get to it. It'll be a while. Anyway...thanks so much for the nice reviews, the PMs, the thoughts and prayers. I still hope to be able to share good news with you all sometime soon.
This chapter is not nearly as light as the last one, but hopefully just as sweet. I hope you still enjoy it!
June 25, 2015 12:45PM
"I just can't believe how cute they are," Elliot said, smiling at the ultrasound photo as they stepped off the elevator and into the hallway leading to their apartment. "They've grown so much since I saw them last. I think this one looks like me, don't you? He has my nose…and this one has yours…exactly. That profile looks just like you…" He smiled at the picture and then realized his wife wasn't right beside him, "Liv…" he asked, looking back and noticing she was still standing by the elevator. He ran over to her, "Honey…I'm sorry…are you okay?"
"Fine…" she exhaled deeply. "It's just a contraction…I have them a lot…it's okay…"
"Oh honey…" he put his hand on her stomach and looked into her eyes, "Just breathe…" he tried to model by breathing for her and his anxiousness made her grin.
"El…it's okay…it's over now," she put her hand on his shoulder and gave it a reassuring pat. "I always get them after the doctor…I think he riles them up." She grabbed the ultrasound photos from him. "So which of them do you think looks like you?" she asked with a smile.
"This one…" he pointed and she tilted the photo and looked intently at it. "Hmmm…I don't know…" she teased. "No beard….it's hard to tell…"
"Oh stop," he playfully snatched the photo from her and laughed. "I'll go shave…" He put his arm around her waist and walked with her to the door of the apartment, noticing how heavy and tired she seemed by the time they made it to the door. "Are you sure you're all right?" he asked. "You don't seem like you feel good and the doctor said you need to take it as easy as possible…maybe I shouldn't have let you walk to the door."
"El…I am perfectly fine," she promised. "You can't carry me every place." She laughed.
"I certainly can if that's what I need to do," he said seriously and he saw her roll her eyes. "Liv…I want to make you as comfortable as possible. I hate that you have to feel so miserable."
"I'm not miserable," she smiled. "I'm happy…I love being pregnant because it was a dream for so long that I thought I'd never experience it. I'm just a little tired and achy…but I already feel better now that you're home." Her eyes filled with tears and she leaned into his chest, "I missed you…"
"Hey…" Elliot tried to soothe her, kissing the top of her head and rubbing her back, "I'm home…and I'm not going anywhere…" he reminded her. "Now let's get you inside and back to bed…you need to rest…take a nap."
"I'm not sleepy," she said, brushing away her tears.
"You said you were tired," he argued.
"Tired…" she agreed. "Not sleepy. I need to lay down, but I don't want to sleep…maybe you can just cuddle with me."
"Cuddle?" he laughed. "I thought you wanted me to shave?"
"She shrugged her shoulders, "I do…but all of the sudden I just really want you to hold me…" her eyes filled with tears, but then she moaned at the onset of another contraction, breathing slowly through it as Elliot took her hands and she squeezed them tight. In less than a minute it stopped and Elliot leaned forward kissing her softly.
"You're all right," he whispered, and she nodded, her breathing still deep and pushing open the apartment door. "Let's get you into bed…"
"Daddy!" Eli squealed when they walked in the door, rushing to his father and jumping so quickly that Elliot nearly fell over in his attempt to catch him. "I'm helping Lucy make lunch…are you hungry?"
"Eli?" he asked. "What are you doing here?"
"Mommy brought me," the boy grinned. "She said I could stay the night."
"She did?" Elliot asked, hugging his son and then putting him down on the floor. "Let me help Olivia get to bed and then we'll talk, okay?"
The little boy nodded and looked at Olivia, "How are my brothers?" he asked.
Olivia smiled, "Doing great," she winked at him. "Come give me a hug…" she put her arms out and Eli hugged her close, just as Kathy walked out of the kitchen with Lizzie.
"Oh, you're back," she gave a sad smile. "I hope you don't mind…Eli really wanted to come over…"
"No it's fine," Elliot replied, looking to Olivia who nodded in agreement. "But why didn't you tell me you were coming?"
"Elliot, I was wondering if we could talk?" Kathy's voice was serious. "In private…"
Elliot looked confused, but Olivia spoke up, "Eli, why don't you go back and help Liz and Lucy in the kitchen with lunch," she suggested, and she waited for the boy to leave. "I'm just gonna go to the bathroom…and then back to bed," she reached out, squeezing Elliot's hand.
"I'll be there in a minute," he promised and she nodded. Then he turned to Kathy, "What's this about? I told you I'd come get Eli tomorrow. You didn't have to bring him all the way over here…"
"Elliot…" her eyes filled with tears. "He's sick again…"
All the color drained from his face and he looked at her with disbelief, "What?" he cleared his throat, "I don't understand…he seems fine…he's laughing and jumping around…"
"He was doing fine," she wiped her eyes and tried to keep from sobbing. "A couple of days ago he started complaining about feeling tired. He'd go to bed by 7:00 and then I could barely wake him up in the morning. He was saying his head hurt a lot. I was worried, but I thought maybe he'd just caught a bug…then yesterday he had a nosebleed. It was a bad one…and I couldn't get it to stop. I took him to the doctor and they ran some tests…"
"No…" Elliot shook his head. "Not again…" his eyes stung with tears. "Kath…no…he's fine…"
"They don't want to try chemo again," she ignored his disbelief and talked matter-of-factly. "His body is too weakened from the last two times. We have an appointment tomorrow afternoon…"
"Does he know?" Elliot managed to find the words to ask.
Kathy sighed, "He knows he's sick…" she told him. "I didn't tell him the cancer is back. I couldn't. Maybe after we talk to the doctors…"
"But he seems fine," Elliot muttered again. "He jumped into my arms…"
"Elliot, you know how this starts…he's okay part of the day and by late afternoon he's hurting and tired," she reminded him. "I need you to come with me to this appointment…please…"
"Of course I'll be there," he assured her. "What are they thinking of doing if they can't do chemo?"
"Doing the ATRA medication without the chemo to see if they can push it back into remission until the twins are born," Kathy glanced toward the bedroom. "How much longer do you think she can stay pregnant?"
Elliot ran his hand along the back of his neck, the pressure of the situation making his head pound and his neck tighten, "I don't know," he said honestly. "I really don't."
"I'm gonna go," Kathy said. "Just have fun with him, okay. Don't let him know you're upset," Elliot nodded and Kathy called, "Eli…I'm leaving. Come give me a kiss."
Eli came in the room, hugging his mother and kissing her good-bye, "Lucy made chicken nuggets," he grinned. "Don't you wanna stay and eat with us?" he asked his mother before turning to his father for approval, "She can, can't she Daddy? She can stay for lunch?"
"Sure…" Elliot tried to force a smile, but he knew his face wasn't hiding his pain.
"That's okay," Kathy leaned forward, kissing her son once more. "I need to get going. You have fun with Daddy." She opened the door, turning to look at her son, and doing all she could to hold in her tears. "I'll come get you for your appointment tomorrow," she said and she could see the flash of fear on her little boy's face. "It'll be okay," she promised. "I love you…"
"I love you too," Eli said seriously as he watched his mother walk out the door. Then he turned to his father, "Are you gonna eat lunch?" he asked. "I made it…"
Elliot took his hand and smiled, "Sure…I can't wait…"
June 25, 2015 1:30PM
"Look Daddy," Eli smiled as Lucy piled chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese on the plates. "Even the baby likes it," he laughed as Noah put tiny pieces of chicken in his mouth. "I'm a good cook."
"Looks like it," Elliot said, trying to keep his emotions in check.
"He worked really hard," Lucy winked, grabbing a plate, "I'm gonna take this to Olivia…see if she feels up to eating today."
"I'll do that," Elliot said, quickly grabbing the plate. He couldn't believe he'd practically forgotten about his wife. "Do you mind, Eli?" he asked his son. "I'll just make sure Liv eats something so the babies get some of your yummy chicken nuggets too, okay? I'll be back in a few minutes."
"Okay," Eli nodded in agreement, dipping his food in ketchup and taking a bite.
Elliot walked down the hall, dreading telling Olivia about Eli and wondering if it would add more stress to her already high-risk pregnancy. The doctor had assured them at the appointment that things looked good, but he also reminded them that with twins things could change very quickly. He pushed open the door, finding her sitting on the bed and walked over with the plate, "Time for lunch," he forced a smile and hoped she wouldn't notice how upset he was.
"Oh…" she grimaced, looking in disgust at the plate of food. Nothing was appetizing anymore. "Thanks…" She grabbed the plate and put it on the nightstand, looking down at her stomach and sighing. "I need to change…" she pulled at the stretchy fabric panel of her maternity jeans. "I can't get comfortable in these jeans. They're too tight."
"They're maternity jeans," Elliot reminded her. "They stretch…I don't think they're tight."
"They feel tight," Olivia argued. "My skin hurts when they touch me." She pulled up her shirt and pulled down the waistband of the jeans, revealing red elastic marks that had imprinted on her skin. "See, they're too tight…"
Elliot stared at her belly, the skin pulled tight around their babies in a lopsided bulge, the stretch marks curving around her protruding belly button with deep purple lines, and he wondered how he'd missed these significant changes in her body before now. When they'd been at the doctor, he'd been focused on the monitor during the ultrasound, not on Olivia's shape and now he wondered how he could've been so blind to her obvious misery. He sat next to her, running his finger along the jagged imprint from her jeans, and the warmth of her skin was comforting. "Liv…I'm sorry…" he said truthfully and he could see the confusion on her face.
"For what?" she asked playfully, "It's not your fault my maternity clothes don't fit anymore. I'm a whale…" But her smile faded when she realized he wasn't smiling back. "El…" she whispered. "What's wrong?"
"I should've been here…" he said, his eyes stinging with tears he was determined to hold back. "For you…for them…" he let his hand spread across her belly, feeling one of the twins moving slightly at his touch, and he couldn't hold his tears back any longer.
"El…" she said gently. "You're here now…you didn't miss anything…"
"I love them," he promised, leaning forward and kissing the swell of her stomach as softly as he could.
"I know you do," she nodded, her voice shaking with concern. "El…" He didn't answer her, as he let his head rest against her stomach, feeling the bulge of the babies beneath him, and running his hand softly along the side where a foot or elbow or something poked out at him. His warm tears moistened her skin and she carefully rubbed her hand along his head, "El…what's wrong? Tell me…" she choked on her words, trying to ignore the lump that was forming in the back of her throat, thinking of Kathy standing in her living room asking to talk to Elliot in private…and in her heart she knew. "Elliot…" she quivered.
"I just need you to know I love them…" he cried. "Please…just know that…" he clung to her and she closed her eyes, reluctantly letting her tears fall.
"I do…" she promised. "And they know it too…they love their daddy…" And then it happened…the sobs that escaped his lips were slow and painful and deep and he couldn't stop them from coming. He clung to her, feeling the twins moving beneath him and while he wondered if they could hear him, if they were frightened by his outburst, he couldn't make himself move from the comfort of her body. She continued to stroke his head and didn't ask why he was so upset and he realized she already knew. "Elliot…" she whispered. "I'm so sorry…"
He pulled himself together then, forcing himself to sit up and look at her tear-stained cheeks, reaching out and wiping away her tears with his hand and looking blankly into her eyes, "Eli's cancer is back…" because even though it was obvious she knew, he didn't know what else to say.
Olivia nodded sadly, "Maybe the twins will match…" she said, but her voice lacked its usual optimism. Seeing Elliot like this scared her, and she didn't have the heart to offer him false hope.
"Maybe…" he said, his voice flat and emotionless. He looked at the plate sitting on the nightstand and motioned toward it, "You need to eat…" and even though she felt sick to her stomach, she forced it down. She didn't want to worry him right now, didn't want to make him angry or scared and she didn't know what kind of reaction to expect from him. "Do you want me to help you change?" he cleared his throat, recognizing the burning ache of emotion that seemed to be holding his voice hostage.
"No…I'm okay…" she assured him, finished the last chicken nugget and sitting her plate back beside the bed. "You should go play with Eli…he came all the way over here to see you…"
Elliot stood to his feet, grabbing her plate and nodding sadly, "You should take a nap," he suggested. "Get some rest…"
"Okay…" she agreed, turning to her side and placing one of the pillows under her stomach for support, closing her eyes until she heard the bedroom door close behind him. Then she let herself cry, because she didn't know what else to do.
June 25, 2015 3:30PM
Olivia shifted in bed, opening her eyes and realizing she was all alone. She tried to sit up, taking a few tries to regain her balance and then pulled herself up from the bed. She hadn't expected to fall asleep, but obviously the sadness of Eli's situation proved too much for her. Now the babies were pushing on her bladder and she urgently needed to get to the bathroom, "Oh boys…please calm down in there," she ran her hand over her stomach and went as quickly as she could to the door.
When she came out of the bathroom, she was startled to find Elliot standing on the other side of the door. "What're you doing here?" she asked with a gasp. "You scared me half to death…"
"I'm sorry," he apologized. "I heard you close the door and I wanted to check on you. How are you feeling? Did you have a good nap?"
"I'm okay," Olivia forced a smile, "You shaved?" she said, reaching out and taking his hand and letting him guide her back to the bedroom.
"Yeah, figured I should stop scaring Noah half to death, and besides, you didn't seem to be to fond of it either," he teased.
"Where are the boys?" she asked.
"Asleep," Elliot said, helping her lower herself onto the bed. "Noah's taking his afternoon nap and Eli was getting tired. He fell asleep watching TV." He looked at her, his face solemn, "Liv, I'm so sorry about earlier."
"No…" she shook her head sadly. "El…I'm sorry…so sorry Eli's sick again. God, I don't know what we're going to do if the twins don't match…" she let her tears fall and he sat next to her, letting her lay her head on his shoulder.
"I don't either," he admitted. "But you can't worry about that now," he rubbed her back with one hand and let the other one rest on her stomach. "Liv…there's absolutely nothing you can do to make them match…and right now you have to focus on getting them here as healthy as possible. That's all you can do."
"How's Eli doing?" she asked. "Does he know?"
Elliot nodded, "He's doing okay. He's such a responsible kid. When Liz put Noah down for his nap, Eli told me he needed to sit on the couch and relax to save his energy," he sighed. "What seven year old says something like that? He told me he's not afraid of going to the doctor tomorrow because he knows they are going to do all they can to make him better. He's so strong…"
"He gets that from his dad," Olivia said seriously.
Elliot shook his head, "I'm not sure that's true," he admitted. "I don't think I can make it through this."
"You will…" she said truthfully. "We will…you're not alone, El. I'm here…"
"I know," he forced a smile. "And you need me too…I know that. I'm not going to forget how much you need me during this pregnancy. I promise…"
"I never thought you would," she looked at him and kissed him quickly, running her finger along his cleanly shaven cheek. "I know I can always count on you, El…but when you need me…to help you through this…I'm here for you too."
"You know what I need?" he asked with a weak smile.
"What?" she asked. "Anything…"
"I need to be a dad," he said seriously. "I feel so helpless about what I can do for Eli right now, but these little guys…" he patted her stomach softly, "I just want to connect with them right now."
"Okay," Olivia stroked his hand with hers. "What can I do…to help you connect with them?"
"Let's name them," he suggested. "Please…I know we've gone back and forth over their names and we haven't been able to decide…but I want to know their names…to talk to them…instead of just calling them the twins."
"All right," she nodded. "I made a list…I've been working on it at night when they keep me awake for hours," she reached over to the nightstand, picking up a pad of paper filled with baby names and handed it to him.
Elliot looked at the list of names, smiling when he noticed one she'd circled with a heart like a teenager writing the name of her latest crush, "Hudson?" he asked with a chuckle. "Isn't that a little too preppy for your son?"
She shrugged, "I was just thinking one night…that case at Hudson Cryobank is what led to all of this. We wouldn't even have these babies if I hadn't been so upset over that case…if you hadn't offered to donate sperm to me…and so there was just something about the name that touched me, you know? I think I love it…"
Elliot smiled, "If you love it…then I do too." He agreed. "Hudson Stabler…" he laughed. "I think he's going to be a lawyer or something when he grows up."
"God I hope not," Olivia laughed. "But if he is…he better be on our side." She exhaled sharply, running her hand along her side.
"You okay?" Elliot asked nervously. "Are you having contractions again?"
"No…" she assured him. "Just some aches and pains. I think it's just everything stretching…I don't know how I can get any bigger."
Elliot leaned forward, kissing her softly and massaging her side. "So, Little Hudson's brother still needs a name…"
"You pick," Olivia said quickly.
"Really?" Elliot asked.
She nodded, "Yeah…I chose Hudson and so now you can choose…I know you like Oliver and I said no, but if you really want it…"
"No…you didn't like it," Elliot insisted. "Besides, I only wanted to name him that because I wanted one of them to be named after you, but I think I have a better idea."
"Really?" Olivia asked. "What?"
"What about Benson?" he asked. "Hudson and Benson Stabler…"
"And you thought Hudson was too preppy," she laughed.
"Benson sounds good with Hudson…and he's named after his mommy," Elliot smiled. "We can call him Ben if you want."
Olivia bit her bottom lip, grinning slightly, "They have names…" she said, her eyes clouding with tears. "God…why am I crying?"
"Because…there's nothing as special as naming your children, Liv," Elliot brushed away the stray tears that were sliding down her cheeks. "I'm so glad…just happy that you decided to let me be their dad…I know you didn't have to and I promise you…I will always love and appreciate them…always…even if they don't match Eli…because they're my sons too…"
"El…" she cried. "I'm sorry I wasn't going to tell you about them at first. I'm sorry I tried to keep them for myself, because if I had…they'd never have known how special their daddy is…and they need you…I need you…"
"The past is the past," he said softly. "We're married…and we're going to have our house full of little boys," he laughed, "And we're probably going to drive you crazy for the rest of your life…"
Olivia sniffled and chuckled at the same time, "And I'm going to be the happiest wife and mother on the planet," she insisted. "I never thought I'd have this...I'm so damn lucky..."
"We both are," Elliot leaned forward, kissing her long and hard until she had to pull away and catch her breath. Then he knelt down, putting his mouth to her belly, "Hey…Benson and Hudson…do you guys like your names?" He looked at her and laughed, "Now they're perfectly still…"
"I think they're asleep," she smiled, pulling at her maternity pants and scratching at the itchy red mark they rubbed on her skin. "Maybe you could help me change now?" she suggested. "I think I'm smooshing Ben and Hudson in these jeans."
"Okay…" he smiled, kissing her stomach and whispering once more, "Sleep well boys…Daddy loves you…" Then he helped her change into her pajamas.
More to come...