I apologize for my hissy fit yesterday. I should not have abruptly ended the story. It was unfair to those who wanted to read it. I felt attacked and hurt by all the personal, hateful comments. It has been brought to my attention that most of those are likely from the same person posting over and over again, and so I need to just calm down.
Truthfully, I am on a lot of fertility drugs right now and they make you overly emotional and a little crazy, so maybe I took this harder than I should have.
That said, if you have a problem with the use of stem cells, cord blood, or embryo donation...please move away from this story.
I'm reposting this for the ones who were upset they missed it. There is a not at the bottom explaining embryo donation for those who obviously have it confused with sperm donation (they are not the same thing).
July 5, 2015 2:30AM
"I thought I'd find you here," Elliot whispered, walking over to the rocking chair where Olivia was cradling Hudson. "You're supposed to be sleeping, you know? You just had a major surgery."
"And you were supposed to stay at home tonight with Eli and Noah," she reminded him.
"Lizzie's there," he replied quickly, pulling up a smaller chair and sitting next to her. He ran his hand along the baby's cheek, "They'll still be here in the morning, Liv. The nurses can take good care of them. You really should try to get some rest."
She shook her head, "I'm worried…about both of them…" she sighed. "I wish I could hold Benny. I wish they could be in my room with me. They just feel so far away, you know? I can't go back to my room and leave them here."
"Your nurse said I should try to talk you into coming back to bed," he smiled. "But I told her that'd be a lost cause." He reached his hands out, "Can I hold him?"
Olivia smiled gently, "He's your son," she reminded him. "You don't need to ask me." She placed the baby carefully in his arms, wincing a little at the pain from her incision.
"You're in pain," he said seriously. "You need to take care of yourself."
"I'm okay," she promised. "How were the fireworks?"
"Fine," he answered, his eyes firmly planted on his baby boy. "Maureen came…the boys loved having her there." He looked up at her, "She had some bad news. The doctor told her there's no way for her to get pregnant using her own eggs. She's devastated."
"Oh El," Olivia's eyes filled with tears. "The poor thing…she's so young…"
"Age isn't everything…" he added sadly. "I feel awful for her…and for us. We were all hoping she'd be able to have a baby that could help Eli. That was too much pressure for her…and now…"
"El…about Eli," Olivia cleared her throat. "I know I should've called you, but I didn't want to tell you over the phone. I thought you'd be here in the morning and I'd know how to tell you by then…but…"
"But what?" he asked, confused.
"A doctor from the lab came to see me this afternoon…after you'd left," she said softly.
"Oh…" he said knowingly. "It's okay…you don't have to tell me…we knew it was a long-shot. I promise you…these babies still mean the world to me, Liv. Don't ever think they don't…please…"
"No, El…" she interrupted him. "You don't understand. Hudson…" she motioned toward the baby cradled in his father's arms. "His cord blood matches Eli…the doctor said the markers were not exact, but similar enough…he thinks they were able to get enough to do the transplant."
"Oh my God…Olivia…" his voice shook and he looked at his son and back at his wife, and before long tears were streaming down his cheeks. "He's gonna save Eli…" he cried. "I didn't think there was a chance…the babies were so early…"
"I know," she cried. "But Hudson is bigger, and they were able to get a good sample. He told me they couldn't get a decent sample from Benny, so we're lucky Hudson was the match."
"Can you take him?" Elliot asked, handing the baby back to his mother. "Do you care if I go call Kathy? I mean…she needs to know…"
"No, of course not…go," she insisted, taking the baby and holding him close.
"Do you want me to help you back to your room?" he asked.
"No," she shook her head. "I want to stay here a while." He nodded and she watched him leave. Then she reached her hand through the incubator, touching Ben lightly with her finger. "We love you boys…you are such a special gift…and we know how lucky we are to have you."
July 5, 2015 12:00PM
"Can I see my brothers?" Eli asked eagerly as they made their way into Olivia's hospital room.
"We'll see what the doctors say," Elliot replied, walking over to his wife who was propped up in bed, eating lunch. He leaned forward and kissed her, "He's been asking to see them since I got home this morning," he laughed. He sat down, Noah in his lap, and sighed, "And this one refused to take his morning nap…so we are in for quite the day."
Olivia laughed, "I'm glad you brought them though." She took the cookie off her tray and broke it in half, giving one piece to Noah and one to Eli. "You two are going to be great big brothers…I just know it."
"I want to hold them," Eli grinned. "Please…"
"They're really small," Olivia explained. "They won't even let me hold Benny yet. I think you'll have to wait a while. But maybe your dad can take you to the NICU and they will let you see them through the viewing window?" she suggested.
"Daddy said Hudson matches me," Eli smiled. "So I can get better. I want to tell him thank you."
Olivia felt tears forming in her eyes, "Oh Eli…you don't have to tell him thank you. I'm sure someday when we tell him, he'll just be thrilled he was able to help his older brother."
"How are you feeling today?" Elliot asked seriously. "You aren't eating much of your lunch."
"I am so sick of the hospital," she sighed. "And the food. I want to go home."
"You have to eat though," he reminded her. "To keep your milk supply up. The doctor said it would help the twins grow more quickly."
"I know," she admitted. "I just…feel so tired and trapped here." She took a bite of her food, to appease him, and then shifted on the bed. "I'm so sore, and I wish I could just go home." Her eyes filled with tears, "But I don't want to leave the babies here."
"I know," he reached out and brushed away a tear that was sliding down her cheek. "You'll be home soon…and I know it will be hard to leave the twins here…but they'll be home before you know it. Maybe it will give us a little time to find a new place to live. I mean, that apartment isn't big enough and we haven't been looking for a place with everything else going on."
"Yeah…I know we need a new place," she said sadly. "I just don't know that I can focus on that with my babies up here." She sighed. "I need to go back up and see them."
"Liv, you need to rest," Elliot reminded her. He stood up and placed Noah next to her on the bed, "Why don't you cuddle with Noah a while. I know you've missed him."
"I have," she sniffled, holding her son close, but trying to keep him from pushing on her incisions. "I bet you're ready for Mommy to come home, huh?" she asked. She looked up at Elliot, "How long before they can do Eli's treatment?"
"It shouldn't be too long," Elliot smiled, and Eli hopped in his lap.
"I'm gonna be all better," the boy smiled. "And Daddy said I can come stay at your house sometimes so I can be with my brothers…and Mom said it's okay too…so we can all see each other all the time."
Olivia smiled, "I'd love that. Just me and my boys," she laughed and kissed Noah on the head, reaching out and squeezing Eli's hand. "Maybe you can help us look for a new house."
"Yeah," Eli beamed. "Can I have my own room?"
"We'll see," Elliot hugged him close. "The important thing is, you're going to be feeling so much better."
"I can play baseball and soccer and Noah and the twins can come to all my games," Eli said happily.
"That sounds like an amazing plan," Olivia agreed. "I can't wait."
July 5, 2016 7:00PM
The nurse had given her permission to try to feed Hudson, and while Olivia longed to nurse her baby boy, she was sad when it didn't work. He wouldn't latch on, and the longer she tried the fussier he became. The nurse assured her he'd catch on eventually, he just wasn't ready yet, but it left her feeling like a failure. So now she sat in the NICU, both boys in their own little beds, and she watched them through blurred, tearful eyes. She was so grateful, so blessed…and at the same time terribly afraid that they would never be a normal family.
"Olivia," the voice startled her and she quickly turned to the door, forcing a sad smile.
"Maureen…what are you doing here?" she asked, clearing her throat and pushing back her sobs. "Your dad isn't here…he went home with Eli and Noah."
"Oh, I know," Maureen walked into the room. "I just wanted to see the babies. Is that okay?" she asked unsure.
"Of course," Olivia smiled, and motioned for her to come over. "This is Hudson James…he's the biggest…pretty healthy," she looked over at the smaller baby in the incubator, "And this is Benson Cade…he's got some growing to do…but he's going to be fine…"
"They're beautiful, Liv," Maureen teared up looking at her new brothers. "Dad said one of them matches Eli?"
Olivia nodded, "Hudson…so it looks like Eli can have his transplant soon."
"Thank God," Maureen cried. "Can I hold him?"
"Sure," Olivia picked up Hudson and handed him to his sister.
"What about the tubes?" Maureen asked. "I don't want to hurt him."
"You won't," Olivia assured her. "Just sit down and enjoy him," she smiled and Maureen sat in the rocking chair.
"I'm glad he matches Eli," she said softly. "I really wanted to have a baby…but…" her tears fell quickly and she couldn't hold them back.
"I know," Olivia replied. "Your dad told me. I'm so sorry, Maureen. It isn't fair…you'd be a great mom."
"I feel gipped, you know," Maureen admitted. "I mean, I am 30 years old and I have two new baby brothers, but I can't have my own child? How is that fair?"
"It's not," Olivia said sadly. "I know what it's like to want a child and to think you'll never have one…"
"But you have three," Maureen reminded her.
"I do…" Olivia nodded. "And I love them more than anything. I never thought I'd have them…so I appreciate them even more."
"I just don't want to spend my life wishing I had children," Maureen explained.
"There are other ways," Olivia reminded her. "Adoption…I love Noah so much…adopting him was the greatest blessing…"
"I know," Maureen nodded. "And we're thinking about it…or maybe donor embryos, but I've heard they can be hard to find…I don't think a lot of people want to donate their DNA to someone else…"
Olivia remembered being asked to donate her embryos before she'd decided to do the IVF, and how her heart was broken at the thought of giving her baby to someone else, but now, looking at her step-daughter cuddling her son and wishing for her own child, she regretted her initial thought on the matter. "Maureen…" her voice shook, and Maureen looked up at her. "Would you feel weird taking donor embryos that were technically related to you?"
"What?" Maureen asked.
"I still have some frozen embryos," Olivia explained. "I told your dad if we couldn't get a match for Eli that I'd have them tested and if one matched I would have another baby, but we already have a match, and truthfully I'm too old to go through this again. I don't want another baby. I already have my family…but I know how much you want one…and of course we'd have to ask your dad to make sure he's okay with it…he might not be..."
"You want me to have your baby?" Maureen asked.
"No…I want you to have your own baby," Olivia said seriously. "Whenever you feel like the time is right for you. And I promise to be the best step-grandma possible…"
"Liv…I don't know what to say," Maureen stood up, placing Hudson back in his bed and hugging her step mother tight. "Dad might say no. He might think it's weird."
"It is weird," Olivia laughed. "But we're a family…and weirdness is a part of that, right?"
Maureen laughed, "Definitely a part of being a Stabler. I just don't know...I mean, this baby would be my brother or sisiter...genetically anyway."
"It would be your son or daughter, but the baby would also have Stabler genes and that could be a blessing medically. I mean, look at Eli. He needed a biological connection to save him, and you never know if once of the other kids might need that someday. Just go home and think about it. Talk it over with your husband," Olivia suggested. "And I will talk it over with your dad. You can say no if you don't want to…Idon't want to pressure you. I just want you to have options."
"I know," Maureen hugged her once again. "But I think I might want to…" she looked at the babies, sleeping soundly. "At least I know I'd get a cute baby out of it," she chuckled.
"That's a given," Olivia agreed, hugging her once more as she walked her to the door.
"I love you, Liv," Maureen said genuinely. "Thank you…for caring about us…all of us…"
Olivia nodded, "I love you too, sweetie."
More to come...
Author's Note Added to Address Comments in the Reviews: It is fine for people to dislike the idea of Maureen using the donated embryos. However, she would not be commiting incest. I would never write something like that. Would it be a different dynamic than we usually see in families? Yes. Has it been done before? Yes Donated embryos between family members provide the opportunity for the receiving parents to have a child with a biological connection to the entire family. It provides the child with the added possibility for future blood donation, organ donation, etc. because their biology matches the rest of the family. Maureen would NOT be using her father's sperm and her own egg. The baby actually would not biologically be Maureen's baby. It would be similar to a scenario where El/Liv wanted another baby and Maureen offered to carry it for them...only this time she would get to keep the baby and raise it as her own. It is controversial, but it is not illegal and it is not incest. There are many cases where grandmothers carry for their daughters, sisters carry for sisters, or family members donate embryos to an infertile family member. You don't have to agree with it, but it is a choice.
I never said that Maureen would definitely use Olivia's embryos, because let's face it, if anyone in this story is going to freak out at the thought of it, it will be Elliot and he doesn't know yet. BUT...as someone who has been dealing with the pain of infertility for a while now, I can say from experience that you get to the point where weirdness doesn't even factor in the equation anymore, and all you want is the chance to have a child.
I am not "out of ideas" and just throwing this one out there. I think embryo donation is a hard and yet beautiful way to make a family, and I addressed Maureen's infertility early in this story because I wanted to allow Olivia the chance to make this gift to Elliot's "other" family. Will it be accepted? Time will tell. If it really and truly bothers you so much, you are welcome to end the story right here at this point. There are only a few chapters left anyway.
I appreciate all the time you've put into reading this and I am sorry if this chapter has left you with sour feelings about the story now.