Chapter 6: August 6, 2015 – Mail

Chapter Summary: The Muggle healers and Buffy have some problems with owl delivery of mail.

Challenge: for the livejournal 2015 August Fic-a-Day Challenge

Timeline: Storywise – not sure, after she got the nurses and counselors

Warning: minor swearing

Disclaimer: BtVS/AtS characters belong to Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. HP characters belong to JK Rowling. I don't own the other shows/movies mentioned. I claim no rights to any copyrighted material. Please do not copy or take this story without my permission.

The Great Hall

Buffy was introducing the counselors and nurses to the rest of the staff at breakfast when the morning mail and newspapers were delivered by a parliament of owls.

"What the hell?" the newest members of the staff yelled in disgust.

Greg Focker watched as one of the owls dropped off its letter, then proceeded to drink out of the student's glass. "I can't even begin to count the number of health violations this scene has broken! I feel the need to disinfect my mouth just from watching this!"

Since she had already witnessed – and was grossed out by the owls walking around on the table full of food and drink – Buffy concentrated more on the red, smoking envelope over at the Ravenclaw table. Then it began screeching. "What the hell is that?" she echoed her nurses' earlier question.

Madame Pomfrey explained, "That is a howler. They're spelled to shout their contents at a louder-than-normal volume. If you try to ignore them, they spew insults and curses at you until they explode into flames."

"Can't one of you mute that thing?" she asked as the letter ranted about the student's grade on a test 'only' being an Exceeds Expectations instead of an Outstanding. The student was a disgrace to the family and should have studied harder, etc. etc. etc. "If I have to listen to any more of this, I'm going to rip it to shreds…then go after the person who sent it."

Flitwick shook his head regretfully, "They are charmed to resist outside spellwork."

Those that knew her could see she was seething at that point. "I see, and does this happen often?" she asked with a deceptively soft voice.

"It varies from year to year," McGonagall replied. "Some years we only see a couple, and others it's almost a weekly occurrence."

Buffy calmed herself with a couple deep breaths, then said, "Cole, Walter? Can I see you two in my office after breakfast? I would also like to have Drs. Bellows and Evans join us," she added with a look in their direction. Both doctors nodded their acceptance.

Thankfully, the howler was finished by that point, and the rest of breakfast passed uneventfully.

Buffy's office

"I hope you are planning to do something to stop those howler letters," Marlena Evans demanded as soon as they were assembled in the office. "Public humiliation is a horrible way to mold a child's behavior…especially for something as trivial as a test score!"

"I would like to know why birds are allowed in a place where food is being served," Alfred Bellows added with a shudder of revulsion.

"Walter," Buffy spoke to her assistant, "I'd like you and Cole to work out a plan to create a mini-post office here. We'll get one of the part-time witches or wizards to check the mail for anything dangerous. Other than the newspapers, I don't see a reason why the students need to get their mail right before classes begin. That's bound to cause some distractions. It'd be better if they didn't get it until after the school day is over.

"Doctors, I need you to draft a letter to the parents that explains why we are doing this. Don't use too many psychological terms – I don't think psychology is known…at all – in the Wizarding world – but make it clear that we will not allow howlers in the school anymore. If they are upset enough about something to send one of those headache-inducers, they can set up a parent-teacher conference to discuss their concerns. Make sure they understand that any howler that comes into the school will be immediately destroyed by whatever means that it takes," Buffy told them with a deadly look in her eyes. "Once it sounds professional and diplomatic, I'll sign it. I figure you're better at the flowery speech stuff than me."

"I was a military psychiatrist, Miss Summers," Alfred retorted, "We didn't do flowery…but we did do tactful," he allowed with a smile.

A couple weeks later…

Cole explained the new mail system to the staff so they could explain it to the students later. "We've taken one of the unused classrooms near the Great Hall and converted it to a mail room. All the owls will be directed by the school's wards to go there instead of to the students.

"Once in the room, the letters are sent through a detection machine we were able to lease from the Quibbler magazine. The owner's developed the machine because her husband kept getting dangerous mail and she didn't want to put their child at risk because of an upset reader. Anything that is dangerous is sent to a location away from the school until somebody from the DMLE comes to pick it up for investigation purposes.

"After that, Madame Hooch will sort the mail and put it in the proper slot for the student or staff member. If it is marked urgent and is for a student, it will be sent to myself or Buffy and the student will notified they need to come to the office right away. At the beginning of the year, each person in the castle will receive a medallion like this one," he held up a coin that had a Muggle mailbox on it. "If there's something in their mailbox, it will flash the words, 'You've got mail'," he said with a slight roll of his eyes. Walter had a strange sense of humor.

"You're asking Rolanda to become a clerk?" Sprout demanded, offended on her friend's behalf.

Cole raised his eyebrow at that. Did she know she was basically insulting the man at his left side with that remark? 'Probably not,' he thought. "Right now Madame Hooch works about three days a month. We're offering her a position that allows her to become a full staff member, which in turn allows her the benefits of such a position – like living in the castle year-round."

"What he said," Madame Hooch agreed with a softer tone in her voice than his. "I'm happy about this, Pomona, I really am!"

"Other than the newspapers – which will be delivered to the Great Hall by the elves – the mail will only be available to the students after their last class for the day…about 3-4 pm," Buffy interjected before things could get tense.

"Until we learn how to remove the screaming feature of howlers, they will be enclosed in a bomb disposal box until they explode. Nearby a dict-a-quill will write down what the letter says…in case there's something the student or staff member actually needs to find out. I hope these new measures give us peaceful breakfast times," she added, feeling the need to end the meeting on an optimistic note.

A/N: This is before the renovation. After the renovation, the mailroom is in the lower level of the owlery.