Fuil 'o mo chuislean

Thank you to those who have reviewed so far, especially as there's not much of a story yet to review. A tiny glimpse of the main man himself in this chapter, and a little more backstory. I'm hoping that you like my Bella, she's not what most of us are used to, I think, but I'm enjoying writing her. Dialogue is not my forte so any and all criticism welcome.

Chapter Three

Alistair POV

Telling my father I'd been afraid of these dark caves had not been my greatest mistake as a child, but it had been the one I'd regretted the most bitterly. Most of my human memories were dimmed, but this one was still as clear in my mind as the day it had happened. He had shut me in the chains that were pinned into the stone walls at ten foot intervals, just above the high tide line, but close enough that the water would reach my hips before beginning to recede. After three consecutive nights of it lapping at my legs and leaching the heat out of my bones, it had taken more than I thought I had in me to look him in the eye and tell him I wasn't scared of them any more. It was the only lie he ever let me get away with.

Still, I had to admit that some of the more immoral pursuits with which my father had indoctrinated me had come in handy in more ways than one since those long gone days. And, my child's fear of the dark aside, most had been a lot more fun than the bevy of other skills he'd plied me with to ready me for the day when he would step down. Hiding dead people now was not that different than smuggling live ones from under the noses of the English all those years ago. I doubt he would want to accompany me through their dank corridors now, though, as I had done with him. The waters that converged at the cave mouth formed a boiling cauldron which eagerly sucked down my latest meal. If they ever resurfaced, it would be on the other side of the world and what little was left of them would be almost unidentifiable as a human being.

I almost took the drunk at the bakery; he wouldn't have noticed his own passing, he was so sotted. But the woman airing her laundry from the window above us had caught my eye. Or, rather, my nose. She was in her late forties, soft and rounded, not fat but ripe, with hair brown like hazelnuts and plump, dextrous fingers. She had smelled like harvest time and sinking my teeth into her throat had been like leaning back on a hay bale on a late summer's day. I had found her bending over her laundry basket when I entered her small flat. The morning sun was still only a soft glow through the window but it was enough to illuminate me as she turned. Her inward breath was the only sound she made and she seemed unsurprised. That in itself was refreshing, as my large form was tall enough to have had to bow my head deeply as I passed through the doorway to her spartan kitchen.

"Alistair Mackenzie at your service, my lady."

She bobbed her head thoughtfully and put down the freshly washed sheet she had been folding.

"Aye. That you are. I saw your likeness in the Great Hall when I were a lass." She pursed her lips, looking like a schoolteacher. I didn't care enough to ask if that were the case, but did note that if that assumption were correct, she'd be quickly missed. But worry was alien to me, and expediency my style anyhow.

I kept my expression impassive. I had thought my face long forgotten, my name even more so, or, worse, paired forever with the word 'coward'. I nodded my own head in return, no interest in conversation, instead focussing on the steady beat of her heart, which had neither increased nor decreased since my arrival. I didn't allow myself the pleasure of finding out why; I loved mystery. She murmured a quick prayer as I took the two steps between us in one long stride.

When I slipped her body into the cold, sucking waters of the caves less than an hour later she was wrapped in one of her freshly laundered sheets. She made no complaint, as was the way of the dead. Most of the time.

Bella POV

Finding all my belongings and stuffing them back into my rucksack was a short enough task. I'd said goodbye to my chapstick as it had stubbornly chosen to lodge itself in the side of a small turd. Dog, I hoped. And farewell, too, to a small photo of my mother, Renée, that had drifted across the stone paved path and into the river to float aimlessly. That suited her, I thought with a small smile; she always had gone where the wind blew her, rudderless and happy about it. I hoisted my backpack on my uninjured shoulder, flexing the other slowly as I moved off at a slow pace, allowing the wind to determine my own direction just this once.

More than ever now, I needed a wash. I'd been thrown unceremoniously out of truck cabs and cars for lack of it before, and while I'd not yet decided on my mode of transportation, I wouldn't get far smelling like a dung heap. That set me off on a fit of giggles. Edward had always exclaimed over my scent as if it were the most heavenly thing in the world, strawberries and freesias apparently. As much as I had loved him, I had always found that aspect of him a little girly. If I were honest, as I'd grown more into my womanhood I'd felt a nostalgic kind of resentment for having been reduced in his mind to fruit and flowers. There had been something about it that had somehow made me…less. I tried to quash the feeling that perhaps some small part of my current predicament was to prove than I was not.

To say that I was now 'more' would have been an understatement if I'd been able to stomach the arrogance it took to say it in my head. I felt like a hundred year old crammed into a twenty-three year old package. How many other people my age could claim to have raised one of their parents, almost died, almost caused a death, actually caused another two, been both loved and hated by supernatural beings, become homeless, fugitive and top of the vampire royalty's wanted list by this age? Is it weird that I am strangely proud of that? Or perhaps of the fact that I am, despite it all, alive? My sense of pride circumvented the possibility that I might also be wanted for the theft of the occasional roll of toilet paper from the public restrooms. Which is where I was now headed.

This place was meant more for the convenience of people taking a leisurely stroll along the waterfront and less equipped for a full body wash; there was no hot water at this time of the morning and there was no door to keep the elements out. All I could do was choose the wash basin farthest from the doorway. My entire body puckered with goosebumps at the thought of washing in icy water while the winds from the Atlantic bellowed through the narrow room. Arranging a washcloth, razor and bottle of shampoo/conditioner on the cracked, white sink I took a couple breaths, turned on the water and stripped to my underwear in ten seconds flat. Pulling a knee length man's t-shirt over my head, I got rid of the underwear, too; it could steep in the soapy water while I washed everything under the t-shirt. I plunged the cloth into the water and gasped raggedly as I quickly lathered myself all over, sluicing the foam off in hasty strokes. The only thing my traumatised flesh could do was leave my brain to wander back to my past again while my fingers scrubbed at the rest of me in earnest, anything to avoid thinking about the indignity it was currently suffering.

Carlisle. In another time I'd have felt a little smug about managing to confuse him. As it was, I was no less confused myself.

"I know you're leaving." I couldn't step out of his arms at that moment if I tried. "I had Edward bring me here to say goodbye, and to somewhat change the terms of your departure."

"I don't understand." He held me at arms' length regarding me curiously.

"I don't know how much Edward told you of how he was going to leave me, but I assume that he has at least told you all that there'll be no contact with me once you leave. Am I correct?"

"Yes, that has been one of his requests so far. We are still considering whether or not to abide by it." Carlisle's tone left no doubt as to who was the leader of this coven, but it also carried a deep undercurrent of love for his son and sorrow at the choices we were all faced with.

He flicked his gaze to Edward, who looked a little ashamed underneath the powerful regret and hurt that his expression was currently broadcasting. Esme moved beside Carlisle and rested a hand on his arm. They shared a private glance that, having been half of each other for so long, spoke more than anything they could say to each other in that moment. It occurred to me then that I had seen similar looks shared by all the Cullen couples. All but Edward and I. As much as this was going to hurt, my mind seemed already to know that this was not an unnatural course of action for us. Whatever it was that we had had, it had lasted as long as it was meant to last. They were my forever, but he was not. The fact that that knowledge killed some tiny, helpless piece of me was something I could not dwell on right now.

"As I've already told Edward, we're going to do this right, as right as it can be done, that is. The idea was to cut all ties, I believe, leaving me to 'go on with my life'. I understand his reasons, and while I can't accept them" Edward looked up sharply at that "I can and do forgive them." His eyes softened.

I stepped out of Carlisle's grip, giving his hand a slight squeeze as I looked at the rest of the Cullens. "For reasons I don't want to go into right now, I am going to respect Edward's wish that I have no contact with him, and that includes not asking any of you about him. But I am, by your own definition, still part of this family, and as such I will still have as much contact with the rest of you as I or any of you want. It may or may not be safer for me to not be living with you or near you, but the damage is done with regards to me knowing about you, so I really don't see how keeping in touch could hurt at this point." I turned my head to look at Edward. "I love you Edward, and I'll do what I can to make this choice of yours easier on the both of us, but I will not give up ~our~ family."

"I shouldn't have tried to choose that for you." He nodded slowly and his voice broke slightly. "But, Bella, it's going to be so much harder this way." I took long strides to stand in front of him. I ignored the urge to hold his hand, to throw myself at him or touch his face – jesus this was hard – but I couldn't help scuffing the toe of his shoe with mine a little.

"Yes, it will. But if it didn't hurt, if it wasn't hard, it would be as if there was never anything between us. And that I ~cannot~ accept. I have nothing to compare this love to, and my mind can't even begin to accept anyone else to compare you to, not yet anyway. But it was real, Edward. It was real, and wonderful and loving you and you loving me is part of what makes me Me now. Can you honestly say that it's had any less effect on you?"

"No." he grinned his crooked grin, it even reached his eyes a little. "No I can't say that. It's true change is hard for us, impossible even, but I am not the same Edward you met. My change is more subtle, I would even hazard a guess that you may have already started to outgrow me, even if you don't know it yet. But still, I am different. How did you become so much stronger than me?"

"Maybe it was all the falling down." I winked at him. Surprised him again. Good to know.

I felt cool arms slide around me as Alice stepped behind me and held me to her, her chin resting on my shoulder. I leaned my head against hers, feeling at peace with my decisions.

"I knew that you would come through, Bella. It might feel like the end of the world now, but this is the right course for you, for us all. But I would never have lost contact with you, not even if things had gone very differently, I hope you know that."

"I do, Alice. I know that. You're the only best friend I've had since kindergarten and it'd kill me not to be able to talk to you. Although," I smirked and nudged her with my elbow "this new arrangement will have all of the benefits with none of the drawbacks. Like..say…Bella Barbie?"

She giggled. "That doesn't mean I won't poke my nose in every so often, especially on the rare occasions when I might see you decide to go shopping."

"I guess I can deal with that." I said with a smile. I hugged her hard then, not wanting to lose the smell of her more than anything. For all of her fashion following, Alice never wore perfume; she didn't need to. The scent that was pure, unadulterated Alice would always smell like home to me. Jasper came up beside us and wrapped an arm around each of us, leaning down to kiss the top of my head. His eyes were a little dark, but his control was impeccable and I saw the pride in Alice's eyes at the simple gesture.

"Bye, Jazz. I know why you've never spent as much time with me as the others but I love you loads, and you're awesome, 'k?" I patted his hand with my own, leaning into his embrace briefly, not wanting to push him farther than he was comfortable with.

"You too, Bella. Maybe we can do something about that not spending enough time together since it'll be phone calls and emails now?" He snuck my phone out of my back pocket before I could protest and buzzed his thumb across the screen quickly before handing it back to me. I didn't get the chance to pocket it again because Emmett had it out of my hand quicker than I could blink. Before I knew it my phone was being passed around the other family members, all entering their emails and a couple their phone numbers. Carlisle took longer than the rest of us. When he slipped the phone – and something else, I could tell by the shape – back into my pocket, he leaned close to whisper to me.

"I will still take care of you to the best of my abilities, Bella. Use what I've given you, or not, as you see fit. I've programmed Mr Jenks' number into your phone, too. If you should get into any trouble that we cannot help with, or you cannot reach us, call him or go to that address. He will ask you a question to confirm who you are. Whatever the question, the answer you must give will be 'golden eyes'."

I could only nod my acceptance as Emmett was currently wrapped around me, rocking us from side to side gently, his chin resting on the top of my head. I spied Rosalie out of the corner of my eye, pointedly not looking at any of us, her arms still crossed protectively across her chest. Her face looked like I felt inside.

"Guys. I can only be grown up about this for so long so I think maybe it would be best if you guys go on now." My breath hitched as I spoke to them and I felt Emmett's arms tighten for a second before releasing me.

"Edward?" I saw he stood off to the edge of the clearing now. "I don't know if you're going to change your mind after you've gone, but I need you to know that you still can, but not for long." I spoke evenly but knew that he heard me. "I'll grieve for us, and I'll give us both a month. But after that I'm going to pick myself up and I'm going to move on. If you feel differently within that time, you know where I am. But, Edward, I like who I'm becoming, and I can't guarantee that I would want things to go back to the way they were."

He nodded slowly, taking in all that I'd said. He smiled then, a pure, happy, Edward smile. The one I had fallen in love with. That smile told me that I wasn't going to have to deal with his return. And although it hurt, it felt right. The pain returned to his face for a moment and, taking one long last look at me, he melted into the trees, his head low and fists clenched tightly.

The others gathered up the last of their belongings silently, allowing Esme a moment to have me to herself. She wrapped me tightly in her arms, the way that only mother's can, and purred softly as she rested her cheek against mine. "I have never, in all my years, been so proud of my children." She said softly. "Edward could not, would not have handled this well. You might not know what you've done, but I'm pretty sure that this family will stay whole because of it."

"Esme…" My voice was choked and I couldn't get the words out.

"I know, dear. I love you, too, more than you can know. And I will always be here for you, Bella, always."

I nodded furiously, my chest tightening and as tears threatened to obscure my vision. It was all I could do to blink them back as I returned her hug before she stepped over to Carlisle's BMW. Carlisle walked past us to open the door for her, squeezing my shoulder and kissing the top of my head gently before closing the door and walking to the other side of the car to slide behind the wheel.

Alice and Jasper were already sitting in their car and I saw that Alice's eyes were closed in the slightly dreamy way they always were when she had a vision. When she opened them and looked at me in wonder, then with a huge grin, I wanted to be able to manage a smile for her. I probably should want to know what she'd seen, but for now my heart was seconds away from breaking in two. The crack widened a little more as Jasper gunned the engine and they drove smoothly down the driveway and out of sight. Only one car remained, the farthest away, Emmett leaning on the roof with the driver's door open, while Rosalie stood off to one side not looking at either of us.

"Emmett, please, I can't…." He grimaced at my words and took a deep breath before taking his seat behind the wheel. My phone beeped once and I read the short text message. 'Love you, Sis. Em x' I sob/laughed as I felt the moisture on my cheeks as the first tears wound their way down my face. Rosalie still stood apart from the car, not looking at either of us, her posture uncertain.

"Love you, Rose." I whispered so that only she could hear. "Love you with all my heart."

I didn't even have time to blink as she streaked toward me a blur of motion, and suddenly found myself wrapped in the tightest hug I thought my human body could withstand. I heard a sob and realised that it wasn't me.

"You know," she said against my hair "it is going to be so hard not to tell them all 'I told you so' after this." She wiped away her venom tears without letting go of me. "As much as they might try to explain my being a bitch to you as being a result of having a tough time as a human, it was really just that I didn't like you." Ooooookay. Not where I thought this was going. Rosalie heard my small hmmmph of indignance.

"Let me finish damnit." She said with a small rap of her knuckles on my head. "The first couple months, yeah, I didn't like you. I couldn't see what all the fuss was about and, honestly, I didn't like that you were all of a sudden the centre of attention. I resented you and I had no problem showing it. But when I stopped judging you by vampire standards, started to see who you really were, what it must take for you to cope with things, with us, the way you did, I started to care. And that just made me meaner." She chuckled into my hair, her hand stroking my back. "I knew that something like this would happen and it was going to hurt. It was going to hurt a lot. And I didn't want to be one of the ones hurting, so I did my best to push you away. You might not have noticed it, Bella, but you started growing up more after what happened with James. I don't know if you resented Edward for not letting the change happen, or if it was something else, but you were a little bit more real after that. I started to love the girl who quietly, stubbornly started to stand up to Edward, just little bits, here and there. And now here we are at the I-told-you-so part, and I don't know what I'm going to do without you. But that part's just between the two of us, ok?" She smoothed my hair back to look down at me.

"I promise, I won't say a word." I nodded and squeezed her before letting her go. She looked a little fraught but still beautiful. She stepped lightly into the car and closed the door, turning to look at me and wave as they drove away.

For one perfect moment, every single thing in existence was still and quiet. No wind stirred the leaves, no birds sang, no traffic roared along the far road, even my heart was still. Peace. I would make this moment what I remembered of this day. Not what came next.

My knees gave way as the anguished scream of loss and longing tore from my throat…

…and I spluttered and gasped in shock as I immersed my entire face in the freezing water, my chest fighting its own sobs as well as for air. I looked at the shivering figure in the mirror, the spider web cracks and crushed crystals in places giving me a surreal, gargoylish appearance in the dim light.

I still had to wash my hair, but I could do that with my clothes on. I grabbed a clean t-shirt, socks and underwear out of my bag, shimmying into them while drying other parts with the large washtime t-shirt and squidging a little of the deodorant stick under my arms. A little warmer and lot more clothed, I took a deep breath and stuck my head under the running tap, hissing at the burn of the extreme cold on my scalp. I worked the shampoo/conditioner mixture in as quickly as possible and stood away from the sink while I scrubbed my fingertips over and around my scalp. As unpleasant as the cold was, there was no point not being thorough with this as I had no idea when I'd get the chance again.

When I'd finished working the lather into my hair, I stood back over the sink to rinse it. I stuck my head back underneath the tap. The cold was so extreme it went beyond simply stinging in a matter of seconds. The longer the tap ran, the colder the water became, until my entire head was one enormous throbbing, stabbing ball of hurt. I moaned in pain as I tried to rinse the soap suds out quicker, but the ache just got more intense and my hands started fumbling because they were hurting almost as much as my head. With a groan and one last, huge throb my vision went black and I was barely aware of a sharp pain in my chin as I fell.

I came to some time later, less than an hour as I still had some feeling in my extremities, only to find myself the object of interest to a large, shadowed face. The heavy, pinched brow made dark holes out of its eyes, holes that peered at me as if I were some particularly tasty morsel. I was too dazed to make out any features, only that it was male, large, and didn't seem friendly. I concentrated on trying not to smell the icy blood I could feel plastering my chin and mouth.

"Huh whad who're what you?" I couldn't make my words come out but he seemed to have understood me. I felt an unyielding, marble thumb trace the scar on my wrist.

"Alistair." His voice rumbled. This is what a mountain would sound like if it could talk. "The question is, who, or what, are you?"

"Fuck." I lost consciousness – again – to perhaps the most wonderful, and terrifying, Scottish accent I had ever heard.

~Sin~

So I hope you enjoyed that. I really did :D Hopefully that's not too cruel of a cliffhanger; I was too excited to hold off posting any longer and am already working on the next part. Until next time…