Author's Comments: I don't know, but I think I read the other day that Lucy left the show last season. I don't remember that. If that's the case, I guess this is an AU version. But I guess it's already an AU version, since Tucker didn't really turn into a badass sadistic sex torturer in "Unholiest Alliance."

Chapter Eighteen

Voices in her head routinely woke Olivia from sleep now, but today they were particularly loud. She got up, rolling out of bed late—she was sure it was almost noon. The voices followed her into the kitchen and buzzed about her head while she poured herself some orange juice and took her meds. Dr. Lindstrom had prescribed her antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds, but it would be several weeks before they were fully effective, and in the meantime they only seemed to make the voices worse.

It's comin' baby.

Just do what I tell you and I won't hurt the girl.

I'm not done with you yet.

"Shut up!" she said out loud.

"Me?" Lucy said tentatively on her way into the kitchen.

"No, sorry, Lucy. I was just . . . talking to myself."

Lucy still came early in the morning to help care for Noah, and stayed to help throughout the day. Ever since Elliot came to stay last week, he was able to help care for Noah in the evening, and the two of them had started to form a bond that melted Olivia's heart. If there was one thing Elliot could do, it was kids.

Now Noah waddled in to Olivia to give her a hug, saying, "Hi, Mommy."

She swept him up in her arms, grateful she could do that now without feeling tortured, now that her back was healing up. He was soft and plush, and she was able to relax with him in her arms. She kissed his soft cheek and set him down on the floor, showing him his stuffed bear blanket, one of his favorite toys.

Olivia shifted her weight on the couch, trying to pay attention to him, but her mind would wander off until her eyes found the window, staring out at a cloud in the sky. Thoughts of an open-air building—with ropes and belts and guns and spilled blood and Lewis' evil Cheshire Cat grin—assaulted her mind. A bird kept landing on the windowsill, and Olivia kept snapping her attention back to it, trying to take her mind off her crawling skin. "Olivia," said Lucy.

Olivia turned her head back to the babysitter, and then looked down at her phone, and it was somehow an hour later than when she had first sat down. "Yeah," she said, shaking the trance out of her system.

"We're out of milk. Do you want me to go?"

Olivia stood to get money for her, and then realized her back was stinging again. She went to get out her pain pills, grateful to have a chance to use them again. Sometimes they took the edge off just enough to help her make it through the day. "Yeah, and you can get—"
She stopped once she realized there was only one pill left. One pill. Not enough to do anything, but it was all she had. She gulped it down and said, "Nevermind, I'll go."

"You're-you're going to go get the milk?" said Lucy incredulously. "Do you think—"

"It's fine, Lucy. I can go."

She sighed, letting the full implications of her decision sink in. She would have to venture outside—something she hadn't done since the laundromat incident, by mutual agreement of Elliot and Dr. Lindstrom and herself. She didn't want to venture outside these walls any more than they wanted to risk the lives of innocent civilians in the area.

But she was getting cabin fever. And as much as the outdoors scared her right now, she needed some fresh air and distractions from her obsessive thoughts and feelings. Plus, she blushed at the thought of being incapable of purchasing a gallon of milk down the street.

"I'll go, Lucy," she repeated, her mind made up.

She shoved some money in her pocket and picked up her keys off the counter and leaned over to kiss Noah. "I'll be back soon."

Elliot slammed the door to the interrogation room behind him and said to his partner, "I can't get anything out of him, why don't you give it a shot?"

His mind just wasn't on this. He wanted to be with Olivia every second, fearful for her safety every moment she was alone. But she wasn't alone—there was Lucy. And besides, she was an adult, and a fully capable one at that. Even if she didn't believe she could get through these demons with her sanity intact, he had faith in what he had told her—she was stronger than most people. She could pull herself out of any disaster, and use it as a teaching tool for others in its wake.

But even he was starting to have doubts. He had a hard time getting her attention lately. She sometimes froze in a vacant stare, and other times she jumped for no reason. He had walked in on her the other day as she was sitting on her couch watching Noah, her favorite activity lately, and found her talking not to Noah, but to herself. And he couldn't really tell if the conversation was with herself, or some unseen, unwanted guest, but at any rate, it had disturbed him.

Dr. Lindstrom took it all seriously, trying different approaches with her and prescribing her meds. And if anyone in the medical profession could have an effect on her, it was this doctor. But Elliot had little faith in the psychological field at all, and particularly in a difficult case like this. If she was getting better, he might have more hope, but he hadn't seen any improvement yet.

The phone rang, and he answered it immediately when he recognized Lucy calling. "Yeah?" he said, trying to keep anxiety from creeping into his voice.

"Elliot," said Lucy's frantic voice. "Olivia went out hours ago to get milk, and she's not back. I'm worried—"

"I'll be right there," he said, hanging up and thinking about how his worst fear may have possibly just come true.

He rushed to her apartment, spending just enough time there to get all the facts from Lucy and examining Olivia's belongings. She hadn't brought her purse with her—she didn't plan to go far. "Don't worry, I'm going to go find her, Lucy."

"Elliot, I don't want to sound judgmental, but I worry about Noah in this environment. This kind of thing has happened too many times lately."

He couldn't say he blamed her, but he said, "Just don't make any phone calls yet, Lucy. Please. Let me find her."

Dashing down the stairs to the first floor, he followed her likely path to the store. On his way, he saw something on the sidewalk and stopped. A bottle of milk, halfway covered by a paper bag, lay pouring white liquid in shiny pools on the concrete. It was only a few feet outside the store. She must have dropped it.

He turned around, figuring if she was heading this way, she would have kept going the same route. He followed the street for a while, eventually reaching the bar where he had met her for drinks. He went in and scanned the place. No sign of her.

Approaching the barmaid, he said, "Have you seen a woman in here, long, dark hair, tall?"

"You mean Olivia?" said the girl. "I think she's a cop or something. Yeah, she was here. Had about four beers and left. I tried to get her to let me call a cab, but she didn't seem like she heard me."

"When was that?"

"A couple of hours ago."

"Crap," he said, and then turned to leave, shouting behind him, "Thank you!"

Back out on the street, he looked around. Where would she have gone from here? He walked around for a while, but knew that it would be pointless to search the entire city without help. He picked up his phone and called Fin. "Hey, man, I need your help. Olivia's missing, and I need as many people as I can to look for her."

"Why? What the hell's going on, El? I thought Olivia was home resting."

"Word never got around, huh? I guess the guys down at the Seventeenth Precinct really can keep a secret."

"Huh?"

Elliot quickly explained to Fin how Olivia had flipped out last week, and that her mental state was diminished due to hallucinations and agitation from PTSD.

"Wow. Okay, why didn't you tell me?" said Fin. "I'll get Rollins and Carisi to help. Maybe Barba's free, I don't know. Do you want me to put out a Missing Vulnerable Persons Alert?"

"Nah." Elliot paced, hoping Olivia would appear around a corner any minute. "I want to keep this hushed so we can keep it from the press—if it gets out, she might never get her old position back."

"Hadn't thought of that," Fin said. "And Dodds was just getting ready to approach her about coming back."

They both got silent, contemplating the implications any erratic actions she might take would have on her career. "Yeah, let's get going on this," said Elliot. "We need to find her, fast. It's starting to get dark out."