Wait: Your attempt at trolling is pretty transparent.
DSM 15
Start.
"…And then I came here." Finished the Eldest Uzumaki child, sitting in a chair across from Gwyndolin in the crypt, the Princess had come to the conclusion he was not human so allowed him in. Go figure. Menma's eyes drifted to the side as he recounted his journey up until now, he glanced across the far wall, there was a statue of Gwyn holding a straight-great sword, Gwynevere in all her massive chested glory, and an empty pedestal.
"You don't have a statue…" He commented, his cheek rested upon his demonic fist.
"Obviously." Stated Gwyndolin, coldly.
"Not really, care to explain Hime-sama?" He asked, smirking as her lips were pulled a little and her the visible parts of her cheeks were pulled up, showing she was confused.
"Father was…Disappointed with my affinity for the moon." She said, looking anywhere but him, her serpents hissing.
"So he ignored your very existence? And kept you as his dirty little secret?" Asked the Uzumaki, his disgust showing upon his face, Gwyndolin prickled at his words, "Hm. What a pathetic man." He spat, Gwyndolin almost jumped to her feet and snarled at him, "A failure as a father, a failure as a leader and a committer of genocide, truly a worthless being." Stated the Uzumaki flippantly, he felt himself being wrapped in serpents as Gwyndolin's face came very close to his own a snarl on her lips.
"Thou shalt not spill anymore poison from thine mouth." She hissed.
"Well since you showed me yours I'll show you mine." Said Menma, uttering the familiar phrase, "Kuchiyose No Jutsu." Smoke erupted in the crypt, Gwyndolin fell on her butt as she was forced off Menma's form.
Towering over her was the massive face of a purple and black serpent, its huge golden eyes stared down at her with loathing and annoyance. "So, you finally decide to summon me huh? Where the hell have you been boy?" Spoke the snake its eyes rolling up towards the summoner that sat upon his head, cross legged and smirking.
"Found myself in another world, got branded with some immortality hex that turns you into leather if you don't feed it souls."
"Holy shit that's hard-core." Said the serpent.
"What about you, anything interesting happen back home?"
"Orochimaru invaded your home, your father lost an arm from fighting the three previous Hokage and your brother is being hunted by an organisation for some contrived reason." Said the snake blandly, Menma's eyes widened.
"Fuck…"
Later
Menma was siting upon the spiralling staircase elevator thing, he was working on a seal, the moonlight bathing his form with just enough light to see, and his eyes were aglow with Kurama's chakra, slit pupils and enlarged canines were the given features of such power.
Unwound scrolls, ink pots, brushes and books were littered around him, Menma smirked as he and Kurama conferred on the chaotic transformation that cursed the inhabitants of Izalith, "The Chaos energy…It worked its way into my body. It's like Chakra in a way, if I can draw it out theoretically the transformation will reverse." Said the Shinobi.
"One could come to that conclusion, yes." Spoke Kurama, "Hey if this works you gonna go seal happy and fix up the whole of Izalith?" Asked the beast.
"If the desire takes me, if it this works mayhaps." Replied the Uzumaki, drawing upon his own arm, the seal was complex, it needed to nibble upon the chaotic energy in his own body to synthesize a system to flush it out on mass.
He didn't bother to look upon the presence that stood upon the other side of the contraption, though he could guess it was the Knightess, keeping her eye on him.
"Alright, test time." Raising his arm above his head he activated the seal, "Fuin-AHH FUCK!" He roared in agony, as pain abruptly shot through his arm and into his shoulder, "Sweet fucking Sage it feels like my arm is being ripped apart!" His howls of pain could be heard across the dead city, the Knightess remained in her place, observing and not really caring what happened to him.
And like a switch was turned off the pain was gone, Menma collapsed back breathing hard phantom pains still making his arm twitch, looking at the results of his experiment he was treated with the sight of a human arm, the seal upon his wrist glowing an angry orange-red colour.
"Alright…It works…Probably a good idea to get some numbing agents but otherwise, works. Now to reverse it…" Sweat lining his forehead as he sat back up properly, not an easy task in his current state though. "Fuin." A sigh of content left his lips as his armoured hand returns, the pain was actually completely pushed from his body as the chaotic energy flooded back into his limb, the liquid flames underneath the 'screen' over his forearm swirled and churned, the familiar shifting of the flames comforted him.
Reaching into his pouch he fished out an Estus Flask, taking a sip he held the glass-like vial against his forehead, its shimmering orange liquid casting a low glow in partner of the moonlight.
"You have yet to react to the news your serpent gave you." Commented the voice of the Knightess, finally breaking the silence.
"It's called apathy, darling. You seem to be experienced in it at least." Replied the Uzumaki without moving as she walked towards him, "Besides, such wounds are expected where I hail from, we Shinobi typically only live to about 28 unless we're somewhat exceptional in some field, my father can teleport and everything in between point A and point B can be obliterated if he uses it the right way."
"And yet he is your father, surely you care for him do you not?"
"I was a sickly child, my parents treated me as though I were made of glass. Resentment is inevitable in such circumstances, I hated them for quite a while actually, for cursing me with such a weak body and on the night of my birth, cursing me once more by caging one half of a raging beast within my body." He began, finally shifting his body and starring directly at her, the woman still had her arms crossed. She idly noticed how the way the moonlight shone at his back made him look slightly otherworldly.
"Unlike my brother my body was not properly incubated in my mother's womb by her Bijuu chakra, the beast I spoke of, the energy radiated across Naruto, my brother, enough that he developed a resistance to it before birth. I on the other hand could barely get out of bed without collapsing under the weight of my own body I was so weak." His distaste was not hidden so the Knightess could see the scowl marring his face.
"I had to wait until I was 5 until I could finally walk properly. The only company I had was that fucking idiot of a sibling, my parents and the beast itself. Naruto is such a foolish, naïve boy. He thinks sheer power of will allows one to overcome anything, he didn't train often instead spending his time pulling pranks on the villagers. I hated him, he wasted his time by doing such things for his own amusement when he could have become stronger, better. I suppose a little part of me still holds a great bitterness towards my family, even though the logical side of me thinks is foolish…" He paused looking down at his notes and shook his head.
"I'm venting at you, I apologise." He said breezily.
"I suppose forgiveness should be given." Stated the Knightess, "Though your mood seems to have bettered I will not forget your words against Lord Gwyn, what you have said is considered heresy."
"Heretical behaviour is my forte." He replied with a smug smirk, the Knightess shook her head, "I've never been a man of faith. Not many Shinobi really are." He offered with a shrug, "I suppose it's a culture shock more than anything, I've heard quite a lot about Gwyn none of it I considered good."
"Oh?" She asked.
"Mhm, I was only able to explore a little before the Way of White caught me and locked me up in the Asylum but the more I learnt the bitterer I became, it seems like so many things could have been avoided. Though my biggest grievance if with the slaughter of the Dragons." The Knightess tensed at the mention of the draconian's.
"The dragons were beasts that wished to keep humanity and the Gods in the darkness, for our freedom they had to be slain." She replied without missing a beat.
"There are two sides to every story. I just wish to know the truth of what really happened. Though I suppose in the end being enraged over it doesn't help, the deed is already done. Though if I could go back, I'd like to see why it had to happen." Menma shook his head. "Let's get off the subject it doesn't have current relevance."
"What is all this?" She finally uncrossed her arms and gestured around them to Menma's various paraphernalia.
"Fuinjutsu tools, the art of Sealing is an invaluable skill for any Shinobi, and as an Uzumaki it's in my blood to be gifted at the art. Seals can do anything the only limiters are the skill of the user and their creativity. For instance I'm creating a seal to remove Chaos energy from the body to heal the damage it causes."
"You can reverse the effects the Bed of Chaos caused."
"Witch of Izalith." Corrected the Uzumaki, eyes sharpening slightly.
"What?" Questioned the Knightess.
"She had a name. While what she did was foolish in hindsight she at least tried to extend you coveted Age of Fire. She may have failed but her sacrifice should be at least honoured by using her name."
"How are you aware of this? You said you were only able to explore a little before being taken to the Undead Asylum." Questioned the Brass Armour wearer.
"The Orange text." Replied the Uzumaki, with a shrug. The Knightess' head tilted ever so slightly, "It's right there can't you see it?" He asked gesturing to the Orange Text that sat etched upon the ground not far from them.
"I know not what you are talking about." Stated the Knightess following his finger and seeing only pavement.
"Only the Chosen can cast their eyes upon our messages." Stated the text.
"That's honestly a little concerning." Said Menma allowing out a nervous chuckle.
"Mayhaps you are insane?" She commented, a smirk easily coming through her words.
"Oi." Grouched the black haired male, shaking his head he came back around to her question, "To answer you, I'm not sure. The Demons were born of the Chaos, as far as I know they weren't previously residence of Izalith. I'm only doing this to help Quelara and Quelaag anyway." He stated, grabbing a book that rested next to his foot and opening it up to a blank page, taking a brush he began redrawing the seal upon his wrist.
"And they are?"
"Hmm..? Oh the leaders of the Servants of Chaos covenant. I'm a member." He said without looking up, putting the end of the brush into his mouth to compare the seals he'd drawn.
"You willingly serve the demons?" The Knightess sounded legitimately baffled by such a notion.
"No I serve two women who've gotten the raw end of the deal, they were punished for the mistake of their mother. Quelanna was the only one to get out relatively unscathed and even she had the tiniest amount of Chaos Flame in her system." He said with a shrug, "Quelaag seemed to be under the impression I wished them more pain, so I'm doing this as a sign of good will. Perhaps I can even save their mother, but I highly doubt it." He said sighing loudly, taking the brush out of his mouth and placing it back into its pot.
"You are a very strange being." Said the Knightess finally.
"Good. I'd hate to think I was normal to this place, like some mute sociopathic mass murderer that jumps at the chance to kill more to attain great souls." He said, before looking at the text.
"That's the usual Chosen Undead. We are glad you are different, hope yet remains."
"Oh~ Foreboding." He said smiling widely, before suddenly his face went blank and he gently reached up to touch his forehead. "Oh fuck…" Said the Uzumaki, anger began to settle upon his features.
"What troubles you?" Asked the Knightess taking a step back as he began pacing back and forth.
"That fucker Lautrec, he killed my copy in Firelink Shrine. I don't know what for but it can't be good. I have to get back there ASAP." He said before gathering up his belongings and began to swiftly seal things away.
"The Betrayer will come to you. Patience is a virtue." Said the text.
"When, where, details Orange I need them." Ordered the Giant squatting before the text and starring at it like a hawk waiting for its prey to make a move.
"He will come. Patience. We will tell you when he is near. For now, seek the Half. Seek her and release her. The Great Painting awaits you." Recommended the text, before fading into the ground.
"None of what you just said makes sense. Where can I find a massive painting?" He asked over his shoulder, almost immediately the woman was on guard again.
"Why would you need such a thing?" She asked defensively.
"'Cus apparently Lautrec is coming to Anor Londo anyway and I've be so kindly recommended towards a massive painting. So you can either tell me, or I'll go looking for it myself. Thinks tend to get pretty destroyed when I try looking for them. It's up to you." His grin nearly split his face, the Knightess was uneasy at the sight of it.
As she bloody well should be.
End
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Raxychaz!