9. Impasse
Eragon's mask suddenly returned, and Arya realized she must have said something wrong. She replayed her words and silently cursed herself for her stupidity. She was about to backtrack and try to smooth it over when Eragon stonily said, "Are we doing the right thing, Arya? Your chances of having a child are so slim, even with an elf, so why would you risk never becoming a mother in a union with me? No matter how much you love me, I fear you would one day come to resent that I might never be able to grant your wish and regret that you hadn't pursued your chances with one of your own race."
Arya didn't even know how to attempt to recover. Dismayed, she took his hand. "Eragon, please. I didn't mean that. I want to be with you. Besides, that's all so speculative. I would never resent you for something that couldn't possibly be your fault—"
"You don't know that!" Eragon angrily interrupted. "You say it now, but what of a hundred years from now? It's impossible to anticipate how a century or more of being denied your deepest desire would affect you. I've seen it among humans who longed for children but were barren for whatever reason. The woman is always devastated, Arya. Devastated! Heartbroken that her selfless, pure desire to fulfill her purpose as a woman remains unsatisfied. Envious of those around her who, like Katrina, produce five children in ten years. Self-destructive that she is somehow deficient in her makeup. Embittered and angry and lonely." His voice took on a tone of desperate pleading. "Arya, I want to fulfill your every wish and be responsible, at least in part, for your every happiness from now on. What if I can't? What if I can't do this for you?"
Arya's shaky control of her emotions faltered, and she began weeping, convicted by the truthfulness and passion of his speech. She had often felt those emotions herself, though Arya had never before been in a position where she might have become pregnant, having never been with a man. But once she and Eragon were married and their physical intimacy might lead to the conception of a child under normal circumstances, would she be any different?
-:-:-
Eragon put his arm around her shoulders, sorry to have caused her pain but feeling so much anguish himself that he hardly knew what to think. Arya leaned into him, silently crying, her tears wetting his chest. His own eyes filled with tears.
This conversation was forcing Eragon to consider the most difficult decisions of his life. He also wanted to have children, but he had never consciously thought about whether that would be possible in a union with Arya. He had always been so obsessed about being with her. Now that he finally did get to be with her, he was able to think beyond his present feelings. And he wondered whether they were truly doing the right thing in planning to marry based off what they currently felt and wanted. Were they actually headed into a relationship full of regret and unfulfilled desires, without fully considering the consequences? Perhaps this was the reason most relationships between elves and humans had always ended badly.
And if that were the case, was it possible that Eragon could do the right thing and decide not to be with Arya, for both their sakes, so they would each have a chance at becoming parents? It would surely seem more important in the coming years, once the passion of their love had matured into something deeper and more enduring.
But Eragon couldn't bear the thought of not being with her. It was too excruciating to imagine, since they had just been reunited after a seeming never-ending separation of only ten years. Letting her go would be the most courageous thing he had ever done if he decided to do it.
"Arya, please help me through this!" Eragon cried. "The way I see it, we don't have many options. Marrying now seems foolish when I know I might never make you happy in a way you most desperately want, but I can't imagine letting you go. I can't imagine . . ." His breathing became strained. "It's so selfish of me, but I want to keep you. I can't imagine you being with someone else and having a family with him. I want it to be me. I want to make you a mother and be the father of your children, but what if I can't!" He tightly wrapped both arms around her as if defying anyone or thing that might try to take her away. Arya turned her face into him, as if she felt the same.
"If we ever did have children by some miracle, what of them?" Eragon continued, all of the dismal eventualities flooding over him at once. "Would they be immortal like we shall be, or mortal, thanks to their human inheritance? And adoption, while perhaps a possibility among humans or dwarves where children are abundant, wouldn't be realistic. To adopt a human child would only increase our misery when, upon reaching a ripe old age, he or she would die to leave us, their youthful parents, behind. And certainly, no elf favored enough to have a child would think to place it into our care so we could expect it to live a long and happy life with us."
-:-:-
Eragon's frenzied response only increased Arya's desperation. These possibilities, though only thought of in the moment, were all too true. She felt exactly the same. She wanted to be with Eragon and be the mother of his children, and she was unable to imagine him married to another woman, but what were they to do? They had no guarantees that they would be able to give each other the family they both wanted, but leaving him? No, leaving him could not be one of the options.
There was still no promise that Arya would have a child if matched with an elf. Eragon, however, was very likely to have many children if paired with a human. But what human would he chose when most would die and leave him a sad and lonely Rider, their children inevitably to follow? Why did all roads lead to misery? Must she leave him when she had only just realized how much she needed him?
Though Arya's sobs were quiet, her deep despair expressed itself in terrifying convulsions of her body. Eragon held her silently, his tears falling to her hair as they ran down his cheeks. There was nothing to say. Neither one of them saw a way around this terrible impasse.