Thank you so very much for the reviews! They are truly appreciated!

A/N: So, I reread the Alec scenes in City of Bones and City of Ashes, courtesy of the search function on iBook. Like I mentioned before, much of the books are not relevant in this story. Alec did meet Magnus at the party, he was hurt by Abbadon and cured by Magnus. However, due to the circumstance of this story, his personality is slightly different, making him less animated around Jace (as Clary notices in the books) and less confrontational with Clary, meaning that Clary and Alec never had their confrontation from the book. This chapter is set sometime after being attacked by Abbadon. The events of City of Ashes will not be part of this story.

Additional Note: At this point in the story, Isabelle does not know what happened to Alec when he was younger.

Warnings: This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content. This chapter alludes to self-harm (though nothing explicit).

Learning to Be

Chapter 1: Blue Eyes

The darkness was suffocating. It seemed to hang around Alec heavily, blinding him and forcing him to place his hands in front of him, trying to find his bearings. His heart was pounding in his chest and he didn't know why. He stumbled forward. A strip of light suddenly appeared in the distance, glowing near the ground. Alec drew himself near the light, his hands finally finding a hard surface.

It was a door. The light was shining through the gap between the door and the floor. He groped for the doorknob and swung the door open. He was suddenly flooded with light. Alec's hand unconsciously flew up to shade his eyes. He squinted, adjusting to the light. He was in the training room at the Institute. It didn't make any sense. The training room was at the top of a flight of stairs, not at the end of a hallway.

In the center of the room stood Jace. His blond hair framed his face in messy curls. He was wearing black Shadowhunter trousers. His bare chest glistened with sweat, muscles stretched perfectly over his arms and chest. His reflection bounced between the mirrors, making an infinite number of images. Alec blinked his eyes. He looked away, feeling a fluttering sensation at the same time that his stomach twisted with self-hatred.

He looked back into the room. Oddly enough, his own reflection did not appear in the mirrors.

Jace just stared at him, his golden eyes cold and so unlike his parabatai.

"Jace?" Alec's voice was hoarse, like he had been screaming but Alec didn't remember straining his voice.

"What did you expect, Alec?" Jace said. His voice as cold as his eyes.

"What do you mean?"

The lights flickered, Jace coming in and out of focus. Alec didn't know if it was a trick of the light but for a moment Jace looked five years younger. Alec looked down at his own hands, noticing them becoming smaller. He blinked his eyes. When he looked back at his hands, they were their normal size. He looked up. Jace was back to his normal teenaged self.

"You're disgusting."

Alec felt his eyes watering. He willed the tears to remain hidden. "Jace."

Suddenly, hands grabbed at him from behind and Alec yelled. He tried to twist around to see what was going on but for some reason, he couldn't.

Jace started laughing, an unnatural, inhumane laughter. The hands were large and rough and they wouldn't let him go. Alec struggled. His heart was racing dangerously and tears finally spilled down his cheeks.

Jace continued to laugh.

Lips pressed against his neck, teeth biting into his skin and the unwanted hands traveled down his body.

"Jace, please, help me," Alec pleaded. He hated feeling so weak but he wasn't able to get away from the hands and teeth. His chest hurt. He wondered if this was how a heart attack felt.

"It's what you want, right?" Jace said, still laughing. Alec continued to scream as Jace seemed to get further and further away from him, the training room disappearing along with him, leaving him in darkness once again but not alone.

"You're so beautiful," whispered a voice in his ears.

Alec's stomach twisted painfully. The teeth were nibbling at his ear now. The hands had traveled passed his waist. He wanted to throw up. The voice, the hands, the lips, he would never forget them.

"Let me go."

"You love it, blue-eyes."

Alec closed his eyes. He was trapped.

He felt himself giving up when he heard a loud snap. His eyes flung open and the hands keeping him hostage disappeared. Light flooded around Alec once more and in front of him stood a tall, lean man, his hair spiked with gel and his eyes outlined in charcoal glitter. He was wearing jeans and a black shirt covered in metal buckles. His hand was lifted, as if he had just snapped his fingers.

Magnus Bane.

He smiled at Alec and winked. "Call me."

xxxxxx

Alec shot up in his bed, his heart beating relentlessly and his night clothes drenched in sweat. He ran his hands through his black hair and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He had been having variations of the same dream for years. Sometimes, he woke up before he was forced to relive the nightmare but other times, he was forced to experience things he tried so desperately to forget. This was the first time that Magnus Bane had entered his dreams, seeming to save him from the inevitable.

He didn't know what that meant. He tried to push it away. It didn't matter. His mind and body were his enemies. He was constantly betrayed by them and he didn't trust them. Almost every moment of his life was spent being trapped and feeling out of control.

It was 4:30 in the morning and Alec knew he wasn't going to get anymore sleep...not that the sleep had been very productive. Residual images flashed behind his eyelids. He clenched his stomach, feeling nauseous. He grabbed his witchlight from his nightstand. He found a towel and a change of clothes and rushed to the bathroom. His room was a few doors away from the nearest occupied room but he still placed a silencing rune on his door before heading for bed each night. He had no control of his nightmares and how he reacted to them in the middle of the night and he definitely did not want anyone to know that he was still having them.

The bathroom was right beside his bedroom and he was the only one who used it. He slipped in quietly and was immediately greeted by his reflection in the mirror. His hair was plastered to the side of his face with sweat. His deep blue eyes stood out in stark contrast with his pale skin. He squeezed them shut. He hated his eyes. His stomach twisted again and he fell to his knees in front of the toilet bowl, his body immediately expelling his dinner from the night before.

He wiped the side of his mouth, cursing under his breath. He couldn't even control his fucking digestive system on a regular basis. He flushed the toilet and slammed the lid down, his hands shaking. He fumbled aimlessly as he removed everything but his boxers. He sat on the top of the toilet, his eyes falling on the faint marks on the inside of his thighs. Unlike the curving, silvery lines of his runes, these lines were short and straight, the scars slightly raised and just a hint darker than his skin. He didn't have many. He'd learned long ago when he had to apply an iratze to avoid scarring. He reached out to the sink, fumbling within the drawer and grabbed a razor. It was an old fashioned razor, the blade tucked into the handle. Alec flipped it open, holding it carefully. It belonged to his father at one point. It was the only thing that seemed to bring him control and calm. Alec chuckled humorlessly. There was an irony in it all.

xxxxxx

Izzy walked towards the kitchen, tying her long black hair into a high pony behind her. Her parents and Max where supposed to be back tonight and she thought she would make pancakes one last time before her mother shooed her out of the kitchen once she arrived.

She was surprised to see that the kitchen light was already turned on. As she neared the kitchen, she saw her older brother seated in a high stool at the steel island, nursing a cup of coffee. He was wearing a faded pair of black jeans and a brown, baggy sweater. He was aimlessly playing with the holes in the sleeve of the sweater with his unoccupied hand. He looked sad and lonely and it broke Isabelle's heart. Sometimes she caught herself just watching her brother when he wasn't aware, wondering when he had become so melancholy.

She remembered when they were younger. Alec had always been the quieter one but he had enjoyed spending time with her. He used to enjoy teasing his baby sister and once Jace arrived, he often followed Jace's lead with teaming up on her. She remembered the two of them getting to know Jace when he came...how excited Alec was to have a friend after his initial reluctance at Jace's arrival. The three of them would get into all sorts of silly trouble at the institute, constantly driving Hodge mad.

But then something happened and it all changed. Alec seemed to slowly draw away from social contact, only engaging in it as a means of going through the motions. And then when he was 13, he had refused to speak for almost a whole year. She remember punching him in frustration. Screaming at him. Demanding that he said something. But he had ignored her and everyone else for a full 10 months.

When he had finally spoken, everyone had gaped at him in shock and he had fled the room, locking himself in his room for hours.

She had tried talking to him about it over the years but Alec would brush it aside and acted like he didn't know what she was talking about. So she stopped asking. She knew that Alec was struggling with his sexuality. She saw the way he looked at Jace sometimes and she saw the intense look of self-hatred that always followed. It broke her heart and made her hate the Shadowhunter world for hurting her brother.

She loved her brother so much that it hurt to see him fading away like this.

Wiping away the sad look from her face, she finally entered the room. "Morning Alec," she greeted brightly.

Alec looked up. "Hi Izzy. What are you doing up so early?"

"I thought I'd make pancakes. And I'll make you a stack as well."

"Oh joy," was his only response, though Izzy could tell it was in good humor.

Izzy leaned onto the kitchen island across from Alec. "Why are you up so early?"

Alec just shrugged, sipping at the hot liquid.

Izzy reached forward and pressed her hand against his forehead, brushing aside the strands of hair that were falling into his face. He moved away slowly, looking at her wearily.

"Are you feeling all right? Do you still feel pain from when Abbadon attacked you?" she said, worriedly.

"I'm fine, Izzy. I've been fine for a while now. No crutches, no pain, perfectly healed."

"Hmm, yes, Magnus Bane certainly did a good job, didn't he? I like him," she said in an overly cheerful voice.

"I guess. I don't know. I barely know him."

"And yet he came all the way here and cured you. Free of charge. And he's expensive! Didn't ask for a penny." She smiled at Alec. "He's cute, isn't he?"

Alec cast his eyes down to his coffee. "I wouldn't know, Izzy," he snapped.

"Oh Alec, don't take that tone with me," she said, not fazed by his reaction. "Don't you think you should thank him?"

Alec shrugged. "I don't have his number."

"You know where he lives."

"Do you really think that's necessary?"

"Alec, where's your manners!" Izzy said, knowing she was being purposefully dramatic. "The least you can do is thank him in person."

Alec didn't respond.

"Besides, I think he likes you," she said, softer, kinder and without the teasing tint to her voice. She looked at him carefully, gauging his reaction.

He flinched and closed his eyes. "Wh-why would I care if that were the case. And besides, you don't know that." His voice was barely a whisper.

"Jace mentioned it too."

His eyes snapped open and he looked at her fearfully. Izzy's stomach twisted. She needed to thread carefully. "I only mean that he mentioned that Magnus had asked if he was 'the one with the blue eyes'."

There was a sudden cracking sound and Izzy jumped back. Alec hissed in pain and both Lightwoods looked down at Alec's hands. Somehow, he had broken the mug in his hands, piping hot liquid and shards of ceramic spilling over his hands.

"By the angel! What did you do?" Izzy cried, rushing to Alec's side and gently taking his hands away from the mess. Alec just kept staring at his hands in a daze.

"I-I was holding it too tightly."

"Holding it too tightly? Alec, this is not some stress ball! Damn it, your hands." The hot liquid burned his hands, the skin blistering.

"I'm fine Izzy, I can fix it." He tried to draw his hands away but Isabelle held onto them.

"Don't Alec. I'm doing this," she instructed, giving him no room for argument. She took out her stele and gently traced an iratze into his palm. Alec gritted his teeth. Izzy finally let go of his hands. She watched the blisters slowly disappeared. "You have to be more careful, Alec."

"I didn't mean to."

"I know," she said, kissing him lightly on the forehead as if he were a child. "Now I'm going to make you pancakes."

"Do I have to eat them?"

Izzy scowled. "Do you love me?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"Do you love me?"

"Of course I do."

"Then you'll eat my pancakes."

"That doesn't seem fair."

Izzy smiled cheerfully, bouncing off the stool she was resting against and heading for a pan. "I know."

Fifteen minutes later, Izzy placed a stack of pancakes in front of Alec, who had made another cup of coffee and was carefully sipping it. The top pancake had a large heart with a smiley face in the center made out of chocolate chips.

Alec looked down at the pancakes and couldn't help but chuckle.

Izzy beamed. "I love you too, big brother."

A/N: That was definitely a longer chapter! It was hard to write. I didn't originally plan to write self-harm but I did a lot of research and I want to do this properly. I love Alec and Isabelle's relationship. Next chapter, enter Magnus. As always, reviews are greatly appreciated! They make my day!