A/N: And so we are back to the angst! As a reminder, CofA is irrelevant here and Valentine conveniently is never mentioned. As always, thanks for the reviews!

Disclaimer: The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Warnings: There is some major creepiness in the chapter. Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

Learning to Be

Chapter 3: An Unwanted Guest

Jace was seated in the main living room, right off the elevator. His legs were propped up on the coffee table and he had a demonology book sprawled open beside him. He had been texting with Clary for the last hour but she had to go and Jace had no motivation to continue with his reading. Instead, he mindlessly played Tetris on his phone.

Jace was annoyed. It was a Saturday night and he had nowhere to go. Isabelle was upstairs getting ready to go out with some Faerie boy she met at Taki's and Alec was nowhere to be found. He had said he was going for a walk but that was two hours ago. When did he become the one that had no plans on a Saturday night?

Just as he lost another game of Tetris, he heard the elevator door open. He sat up, assuming it was Alec coming back from his "walk". His brother walked into the living room, a tentative smile on his face, as if he was thinking about something and wasn't sure if he was supposed to be happy about his thoughts.

Alec still hadn't noticed that Jace was in the room, so Jace just watched him. He realized that he did that a lot. Alec wasn't the most communicative person and Jace alway felt like he needed to make sure that everything was all right. Sometimes he wished he could read his mind, just to make sure that he was okay. He frowned, not wanting to think about it.

"Had a nice walk?" he finally said.

Alec jumped, startled. "By the Angel, Jace! I didn't see you there." He looked at him, annoyed.

"You were deep in thought. Too much thinking and you'll cause an injury," he said lightly.

"Haha, very funny."

"One day, you'll find jokes funny."

"Just because I don't find your jokes funny, doesn't mean I don't have a sense of humor."

Jace smiled. "I know many who would disagree."

"What are you doing in the living room?"

"I'm bored and I have nothing to do," he whined. "Where were you for the last two hours?"

Alec cheeks reddened slightly and Jace raised an eyebrow. Was his brother blushing?

"I went for a walk."

"That must of been some walk!"

"It was...nice...I think."

"You think?"

"I mean, yeah, good. Good walk. Where's Izzy?"

Jace noticed that he was changing the subject but he decided to let it go. Alec wasn't upset, so he would let it go for now.

"She's getting ready for some date."

Alec fell into an arm chair beside Jace and leaned forward, grabbing the book. "Who is it this time?" he asked as he mindlessly flipped through the book.

"Some Faerie boy from Taki."

Just as Alec was about to say something, Jace heard the elevator door open once more. Both boys looked at each other before making their way to the elevator, just as Izzy came bounding down in a tightly fitted black dress and impossibly high heels.

"Who's here?" she asked, peering over the boys.

"Mom?" Alec said as Maryse walked in, dropping a travel bag on the bench by the elevator.

She looked up at the kids and smiled, although the smile did not reach her eyes. She looked from Isabelle to Jace to Alec, her eyes lingering on her oldest son.

Isabelle pushed passed the boys and hugged her mom. Alec and Jace followed suit, hugging the older woman.

"Going somewhere, Isabelle?" she asked.

"I was going to go out with a friend but I can cancel."

"No, no, that's okay. You have fun. And you boys?"

Jace grumbled. "No plans." Alec shook his head.

She nodded, looking almost relieved.

"Where's dad and Max?" Alec asked.

"Dad still has business to attend to in Alicante and Max stayed with him."

"He must really like Idris," Jace said.

Mayrse just hummed in response.

After Isabelle left, Maryse looked at the boys, her expression unreadable.

"I need to talk to you both," she finally said.

Jace frowned, her request seeming ominous.

"Is everything okay?" Alec said. Jace could here the apprehension in his voice.

"Let me put my bag away and change. Meet me in the kitchen in 15 minutes."

xxxxxx

The two boys sat in stools at the kitchen counter, waiting for Maryse.

"Maybe she's upset about Clary?" Jace started.

"Why would she be? She's Nephilim, so it's not like we did anything wrong, bringing her here."

"Maybe she's upset about us going after Abbadon. I mean, you almost died!" Jace's stomach twisted just thinking about it.

Alec shrugged. "But I didn't and we were just doing our job."

"Maybe this is about Hodge. I mean, he just disappeared. I don't know how it's even possible."

Alec nodded. "That could be it."

They sat silently for a few more minutes before Maryse entered the kitchen. She quickly busied herself with putting the kettle on the stove and pulling out three teacups and teabags. She placed the cups in front of the boys. Finally, the kettle whistled and she poured the hot water over the teabags in each cup.

"Mom?" Alec started.

She sat down in front of her sons. "I have...," she sighed. "We'll be having a shadowhunter staying with us for a while. The Clave has appointed him to deal with a specific task in New York, so he'll be staying with us. He arrives tomorrow."

Alec and Jace looked at each other, confused, not understanding why she looked so upset.

"Do we know this person?" Jace finally said.

Maryse closed her eyes. "Benedict Manson," she finally said.

It was like every sound was sucked out of the room at that moment. Like the room was now frozen still. Jace stared at his adoptive mom, his eyes unblinking but the fury building so rapidly inside of him, he was sure he would explode.

There was a loud screeching sound as he got up, the stool dragging against the floor before tumbling on its side at the force at which Jace stood up.

He looked at Alec. The older boy was frozen in place, his hands gripping the edge of the counter tightly, as if it was the only thing preventing his hands from trembling. It probably was.

"No," Jace started, the sound escaping passed clenched teeth. "He is not coming here."

"Jace, there is nothing I can do."

"NOTHING?" he finally screamed, his voice bellowing through the otherwise silent room. "NOTHING?"

Alec flinched but didn't do anything.

"THIS IS YOUR FAULT! YOU AND ROBERT!" Jace couldn't control the anger. His whole body shook with it and he felt angry tears stain his cheeks. For five years that night had haunted him. He remembered his brother's silence for so many months. He remembered the happy boy from before and he remembered the sullen one that was left behind. And he remembered the helpless kid dwarfed under a monster, the memory permanently etched in his mind.

"Jace, listen," Maryse started, her own eyes glistening with wetness as she watched Alec but spoke to Jace.

"NO! YOU LISTEN! WHY DIDN'T YOU SEND HIS ASS TO THE COUNCIL? HE SHOULD BE LOCKED UP, NOT COMING BACK HERE!"

"Jace," Maryse tried again.

"You're a coward," Jace hissed. "Both of you are cowards!"

Suddenly, Alec stood up. Jace turned to Alec. "Alec," he said softy. Alec refused to look at him, his face hidden from Jace's view. "Alec, please, look at me."

He lifted his head, his eyes trained on his mother. His face was stony and expressionless. "Is Max staying in Alicante while he's here?" he said, tonelessly.

Maryse nodded.

Alec turned away and walked towards the doorway. "Good," was all he said before leaving the kitchen.

Maryse dropped her head into her hands, defeated. Jace didn't care. He stormed out of the room, following his brother.

xxxxxx

Alec collapsed to his knees as soon as he entered his bedroom. His body shook violently as he sat against the door. He felt dizzy and sick and he felt like he would pass out. And at the same time his whole body felt numb and lifeless, like he could run through fire and not feel the burn. His mind was foggy. He couldn't think. He squeezed his eyes shut, burying his head into his knees, his hands pulling at his hair, like he could pull out the memories with the motion.

xxxxxx

Five Years Earlier

Alec held the bow up and pulled back the string, his eyes trained perfectly on the target before releasing the arrow from it's rest. The arrow zipped through the air, hitting the center of the bullseye. Alec smiled. It was late at night and everyone was probably in bed. He liked to come up to the training room at this time to practice. He enjoyed concentrating on the target and not thinking about the feelings and emotions that swirled around in his mind most of the day.

He quickly placed another arrow against the bow. Just as he was releasing the arrow, he heard a sound. Startled, his aim shifted slightly and the arrow landed on the edge of the target.

Alec swung around to face the sound.

"I'm sorry I startled you."

Alec relaxed slightly, silently cursing at himself for being so jumpy. It was the new shadowhunter that was staying with them, Benedict Manson. He'd arrived two days earlier and mostly kept to himself. He was tall and wide, with a solid build like most grown shadowhunters. He had buzzed brown hair and a trimmed beard.

"What are you doing up here so late, shouldn't you kids be sleeping at this time?"

Alec scowled. "I'm not a kid," he said, even though it just made him sound younger.

"How old are you?"

"13," he said, trying to sound older. He'd just turned 13 last week.

"Well, I guess you aren't a kid then. You're a teenager. And quite a good archer from where your first arrow sits."

Alec shrugged. "It's the one thing I'm good at."

The man moved closer to him. "Why would you say that?"

Alec shrugged again, moving to the wall to pull the arrows out of the target. "Jace is good at everything else."

"Hmmm, that's the blonde one?"

Alec felt himself blushing, thinking about Jace and his perfect golden hair. He pounded his fist against the wall, trying to ignore the treacherous thought.

"Did you come up here to train?" he asked, ignoring the man's question.

"Yes, I thought it would be unoccupied."

Alec turned around. The man watched him, his eyes moving up down as if he was assessing him. Absently, he licked his lip.

Alec looked away, feeling uncomfortable. "Yeah, okay, I'll let you train then. Good night."

The man grabbed the boy's wrist as he passed by. Alec tried to pull away instinctively.

"Don't go. I'd rather enjoy the company while training"

Alec looked at him doubtfully. He dropped his arm. Why would a grown shadowhunter want to train with a puny, not-so-good kid?

"Come on, I'll show you how to throw a dagger as well as you shot an arrow."

"That's okay, Mr. Manson. I'll let you train."

"It's not a bother. And call me Ben."

Alec contemplated the offer. He could go back to his room but he was terrified of his thoughts and his dreams. Why couldn't he just be normal like Jace? His stomach twisted.

"Okay," he said finally. Stepping back into the center of the room in front of the target.

The man smiled broadly, jogging to the equipment and pulling out a few daggers.

When he returned he passed one to Alec. "All right, show me how you throw a dagger."

Alec looked down at the knife. He had never tried throwing daggers. He'd seen his mother do it and she was really good. He narrowed his eyes and focused on the bullseye, letting the dagger fly. It flew through the air but landed short, tumbling to the floor just before the target.

Alec blushed furiously, humiliation heating up his cheeks. He shifted his feet, trying to think of an excuse for his pathetic performance.

Ben came up behind him and handed him another dagger. "Don't be embarrassed. You obviously have the right aim but you just need to put more force into the throw. Here, let me show you."

The man pressed his body against Alec, grabbing his waist with one hand and holding the hand gripping the dagger with his other. The man pulled the boy flush against him and held his arm up, positioning it for a throw.

Alec felt the discomfort coming back. He didn't like being this close to other people, let alone someone he barely knew.

"Mr. Manson," he started, trying to pull away.

"I said to call me Ben," he said gently before guiding Alec through the motion of throwing the dagger.

The dagger flew swiftly towards the target, hitting just outside the bullseye and staying lodged in the target.

Alec wanted to be proud but all he could think of was that something hard was jutting into his back. He squirmed away from the man and quickly went to gather the knives.

"Good job, kid," came the man's voice. "Or should I say, young man."

Alec turned around and tried to smile, but failed. He was confused. "Thanks," he muttered.

"Try one on your own this time."

Alec almost sighed with relief. "Okay," he said before returning to his original spot.

xxxxxx

Present

There was a persistent pounding in Alec's head, pulling him out of the memory. It took him a moment to realize that the banging was coming from the other side of the door and not from inside his head.

"ALEC! LET ME IN! I swear to Raziel, I'll use a unlocking rune and break this door down if I have to!"

It was Jace.

"Go away, Jace," he managed to reply, the fogginess in his minds dissipating, leaving him with the feeling of pain and shame weighing him down like he was being buried under an avalanche of rocks.

"I won't," came a determined voice. "I don't care what you say or do, I won't leave you." His voice was hoarse from all the screaming he had done earlier. But he sounded desperate.

Alec didn't think he had the energy to get up, so instead, he shifted his body to the side and reached up to unlock the door.

Almost instantly, the door swung open and Jace came barging in.

"What do you want?" Alec said, flatly, trying not to completely fall apart in front of his stronger and better parabatai.

Alec's back was pressed against the wall, his arms wrapped around his knees, which were drawn protectively to his chest. He stared at the blonde boy.

Jace looked absolutely wrecked. His hair was disheveled. His eyes bloodshot and his body still radiating with anger.

Jace shut the door and slid down to the floor beside him, stretching his legs out in front of him. Alec knew he looked pathetic, practically curled up in the fetal position.

"I'm so sorry, Alec."

"You didn't do anything," Alec managed to say.

Jace tensed, like Alec had said something that hurt.

"I...I..." Alec wouldn't look at Jace. "I don't know if I can do this, Jace," he finally said, his voice small and vulnerable. He cringed at his own weakness, as tears finally escaped and rushed down his face.

He started breathing erratically, losing the little bit of control he had left. Jace grabbed him gently around the shoulders and drew him towards him and despite the desire to appear strong; despite wanting to reject the comfort, he knew that it may be the only thing keeping himself from totally unravelling.

So, he leaned into his parabatai and Jace held him tightly as he let go of his emotions.

A/N: Oh the angst! That was hard to write. Don't worry, Alec will have his moment when he will do the yelling. He's just not there yet. Feel free to let me know what you think, the good and the bad. Until next time!

Jenny