A/N: Thank you so very much for all the reviews! I know there were lots of frustration with Maryse and I totally agree and I will definitely address all that during the course of the story, promise!

Also, I'm very sorry for the delayed update! This chapter was hard to write because I feel like it was a necessary chapter to move the story forward but not very eventful in itself. Regardless, it had to happen and any feedback would be appreciated.

Disclaimer: The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Warnings: Again, major creepiness in this chapter. Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

Learning to Be

Chapter 4: An Unsafe Place

Five Years Earlier

Alec decided that he had been wrong about Ben. He had felt uncomfortable that night in the training room but Alec was always on edge for other reasons. And unlike most adults in their lives, who seemed to fawn over his siblings, Ben actually found him interesting.

Max was the baby. He was the cutest little boy. Isabelle had so much fire and spunk for an 11-year-old. People were instantly drawn to her energy. And then there was Jace. Perfect, beautiful, Jace.

He clenched his fists. Not beautiful, he scolded himself silently.

Even though Jace was a year younger than Alec, he out-did him in everything. He was stronger, faster and a better fighter. Sure, Alec was the better archer but Jace was never interested in long-range weaponry skills. His dad always seemed to look at him with disappointment, like he was always comparing him to Jace.

And Alec couldn't even blame him. He was the oldest and yet he was this unremarkable, introverted, quiet kid who couldn't even compete with those younger than him. So, when Ben started paying more attention to him than his siblings, Alec was cautious at first but then he started to appreciate the attention.

When Jace asked the shadowhunter if he would teach him something in the training room one day, he declined and played chess with Alec instead. When Isabelle was going on about something, Ben barely paid attention but if Alec started talking, he listened.

He even asked Maryse if he could take Alec demon hunting with him one day, claiming that he was thirteen now and he would just watch. Alec was so excited, while Jace sat there with a sour face, his arms crossed angrily over his chest. Unfortunately, his mother refused to let him go.

Instead, he was in his bed, sulking, wishing he was out hunting with Ben. He flipped onto his side when the door to his bedroom opened slowly. He sat up quickly, trying to make out the figure in the doorway.

"Dad?" Alec asked, groping at his bedside table for his witchlight. The figure slowly closed the door and seemed to be drawing something on it. Alec finally grabbed the witchlight and held it up, the light framing the man now walking towards his bed.

"Ben?" Alec said, confused. "What are you doing here? I thought you were out hunting."

Ben smiled at the boy and sat at the edge of the bed. Alec instinctively moved to give him space. "I know you were disappointed that you couldn't come with me."

The man started stroking his hair. Alec's confusion turned into discomfort as he tried to draw away, only to have the fingers follow and remain buried in his hair.

Alec tried to brush the discomfort away. His mom used to came to his room and stroke his hair when he was scared or wasn't feeling well. She would even sing to him until he fell asleep.

But this wasn't his mom.

"I know how you feel?" the man finally said. His hand was now resting on his collarbone, his thumb rubbing circles into his neck and his other fingers just under his shirt.

"How I feel?" Alec asked. His voice was soft and unsure. He tried moving away again.

"About Jace. I see the way you look at him."

Alec's whole body went rigid. He wanted to completely disappear but he was trapped.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about."

His other hand had snaked underneath the bottom of his shirt, the cold palm pressing into his bare skin and the fingers making similar circular motions.

"Please," Alec pleaded. "I don't like this."

"Would you like it if Jace was doing this?" His voice sounded husky and strange.

"No!" Alec cried. "Please, I want to go to bed."

He tried to push the hand under his shirt away but Ben just gripped his side, nails digging into his flesh.

"You wanted to spend all night with me earlier."

"I wanted to go demon hunting!"

The man smiled, his face drawn in an expression of twisted pleasure. "This will be so much better. I promise."

xxxxxx

Present

"Alec! Alec get up."

Alec could feel a hand gripping his upper arm. He felt like he couldn't breathe. His eyes snapped open and he swung his free arm swiftly, his fist connecting with flesh almost instantaneously.

"Damn it," came a voice.

Alec sat up in the bed abruptly, his vision coming into focus. "Shit, Jace!"

He scrambled to his feet. Jace was leaning against the wall, rubbing the side of his jaw. "Damn, Alec, you have quite the right hook."

Alec shook his head, looking dismayed. He ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm so sorry, Jace."

"Hey, it's no big deal." He dropped his hand from his face and Alec could see the tenderness around his jaw and cheek.

"I'll draw an iratze."

Jace nodded and sat down on the bed. Alec grabbed his stele and sat down beside him, gently drawing the rune into Jace's skin. When he was done, his eyes fell on blankets and a pillow spread out on the floor beside his bed.

"Did you sleep here?" Alec asked. "I don't even remember getting into bed." He looked down at himself and noticed that he was still in his clothes from yesterday.

Jace nodded again. "You were falling asleep, so I dragged you to bed and camped out here for the night."

Alec didn't know what to say. "You didn't have to do that."

Jace dismissed the comment. "Have you always had nightmares? Or was this because of..."

Jace voice trailed off as Alec involuntarily flinched at the reminder. He gripped the edge of the bed, his fingers clenching at the fabric and mattress.

He felt nauseous.

His mind was spinning out of control.

Ben was coming.

His breathing hitched.

Unwanted hands everywhere.

"I need to have a shower."

Lips bruising flesh. Teeth breaking skin.

"Alec."

'Alexander. So beautiful. So perfect.'

"Alec, you need to calm down."

Cold. Exposed. Scared.

Alec stood up, trying not to stumble. He needed to get rid of the pain.

Unimaginable, inexplicable pain.

"Alec!"

Shame. Unbearable shame. Drowning in it.

Alec ignored his brother. Grabbing a towel, he practically flew out of the room, towards the bathroom and the only form of comfort he knew.

xxxxxx

The three teenagers sat around the kitchen table, while Izzy animatedly described her night with the fey boy. Their mother was by the stove flipping pancakes and stacking them on a platter.

Alec tried to focus on what Izzy was saying but it was like white noise in his ears. He could feel the burn of the new cuts hidden underneath his jeans and instead he focused on that, his hand unconsciously pressing against them. He hadn't healed the wounds this time. He felt sick and weak and pathetic but it never stopped him.

His mother placed a plate in front of him, piled high with steaming hot blueberry pancakes. Alec didn't look at her but could feel her eyes on him. Blueberry pancakes were his favorite.

Izzy stopped talking. Alec looked up at her. She was looking between Alec, Jace and their mom. She looked down at their food. In front of Jace, there were chocolate chip pancakes and Izzy had banana pancakes.

"What the hell is going on?" she finally said. "Why do you all look like you just came back from a funeral? And mom, you made three different types of pancakes. You never do that!"

Jace just poked at the stack of pancakes.

"Alec, I need to speak to you," Maryse said, looking down at her oldest son, her eyes pleading almost desperately.

Alec pushed the plate away. "Well, I don't want to speak to you," he said.

"Alec, please."

Alec stood up. He didn't want to be surrounded by others, staring at him. And he definitely did not want to be near his mother. "I'm not hungry."

xxxxxx

Isabelle spent the rest of the day practicing her landings from the high beams in the training room. She had wanted to go after Alec after his abrupt departure from breakfast but both her mother and Jace convinced her to leave him alone for a while. Normally, she wouldn't listen to them but Jace seemed to think that this was a guy thing and he would talk to him.

Isabelle scoffed to herself as she pulled her almost dried hair into a high ponytail, having just come out of the change room attached to the training room. Isabelle didn't believe in "guy" or "girl" problems. Problems were problems and she didn't like being out of the loop just because she was a girl and they were both guys.

She frowned as she made her way down to the main floor of the Institute. She could see her mother talking to a man by the elevator. Her mother seemed agitated.

"Do you understand?" she demanded, her voice harsh and unwavering.

The man nodded. He stood a little bit away from Maryse, as if he wanted to be out of striking distance.

Isabelle walked into the foyer. Both adults stopped talking and looked at the teenager. She recognized the man.

"Isabelle, you remember Mr. Manson." Maryse's voice was clipped.

"Yeah, you stayed for almost a year one time."

Mr. Manson nodded. He seemed to have a permanent frown on his face.

"Mr. Manson will be staying with us for a while. I'm going to show him to his room in the west wing."

Izzy nodded as the man picked up his luggage and her mother escorted him towards the west wing living quarters. She didn't remember much about Mr. Manson. She never paid much attention to him. She thought it was weird that Maryse was setting him up so far away from the rest of the Institute residents in the east wing.

Before she could think more about it, she saw Jace bounding down the stairs and Alec following unenthusiastically behind him. Both were in their hunting gear.

"What have you boys been doing?" she asked, trying not to be annoyed with them for keeping her out of the loop.

"Alec was cooped up in the library. I was in the greenhouse. Get dressed, there's some heightened demon activity by that abandoned warehouse on 115th and Pleasant."

Izzy instantly perked up. She needed to get out. She could tell them about their guest on the way. "Give me five."

xxxxxx

Their excursion into East Harlem was uneventful. It turned out that there was only one lesser demon that Izzy disposed of almost instantly.

For once, Alec had been hoping for something more complicated. He needed the distraction. The whole day, he had sat, curled up in an armchair, aimlessly flipping through books but unable to keep his mind off the impending arrival. Jace had joined him in the library for a some time during the day but Alec had not been responsive and eventually the younger boy decided to give Alec some space.

Izzy mentioned that he had arrived as they walked back from the warehouse. Alec dragged behind his siblings so that he didn't have to try to hide his expression of absolute nausea.

Once they returned to the institute, Jace practically attached himself to Alec as they walked to their bedrooms.

"Do you want me to stay here tonight?" Jace asked.

Alec shook his head. His heart was racing and it felt like it was beating directly into his ear. "No Jace. I'll be fine." He tried to smile.

"Bullshit," Jace said angrily.

Alec stepped into his bedroom. "I need to deal with this on my own."

"No you don't!"

Alec hid his trembling hands behind the door and doorframe. "I'm not a kid anymore, Jace. I can take care of myself."

"Damn it, Alec. I don't know what to do."

"Listen, go to bed. I'll be fine and if I'm not, I'll call you."

"Promise."

Alec nodded. "I promise."

Alec stood in the middle of his room, not knowing what to do. He sat on the edge of his bed. His bedroom was entirely different from the one he had until four years ago and yet he felt suddenly trapped in the same place.

He remembered lying in his bed, absolute terror gripping his entire body and soul, waiting...waiting and knowing that at any moment, his solitude would be interrupted and he would once again be plunged into a nightmare so horrifying, it couldn't possibly be real.

But it had been real and he felt like it was happening all over again.

He knew that Ben was probably not interested in him anymore, now that he was no longer a pubescent boy. He also knew that he would be able to defend himself better now. But that did not take away the memory or the fear of having that man under the same roof as him, especially after dark.

He could feel his breathing becoming erratic, his heart palpitating and a sudden feeling of lightheadedness. He dropped his head into his hands, trying to calm down. His palms were sweaty. He felt like throwing up. It was like reality was slipping away from him and he was entirely out of control.

He tried to stand up but found himself falling to the floor instead, catching himself on his hands and knees. Tears rushed down his face. He felt like he couldn't breathe. Spots seemed to form in his vision. He looked over at his phone. Should he call Jace? Was he dying?

No. He wouldn't call Jace. He needed to get it under control. He shifted his body, so that he was sitting on the floor, cross-legged. He dropped his head into his lap and started to count backwards from 100.

Come on Alec, get it together, he pleaded to himself as he stumbled over the numbers, unable to maintain more than 5 numbers in a row.

It took him over 10 minutes to get down to zero. His heart was still racing but his breathing seemed to be more manageable. He grabbed the edge of the bed and pushed himself up.

He couldn't stay here. He didn't know if he would survive through the night if he stayed.

Grabbing only his phone, stele and a sweater, he slipped out of his room. He wasn't thinking beyond getting out of there. All he knew was that he couldn't spend the night at the Institute.

xxxxxx

Magnus was enjoying his marathon of America's Next Top Model. He had a large bowl of carmel popcorn in his lap and his cat curled up beside him.

When he heard the buzzing sound, he quirked an eyebrow up and frowned. He was not in the mood to be interrupted. If this was that damned ifrit from earlier today, he may not be responsible for his actions.

Too lazy to get up, he waved his hand and called out to the speaker. "You had better have a good damn reason for interrupting the HIGH WARLOCK at this hour!"

No sound came through.

Magnus was annoyed. "SPEAK!"

"I'm sorry...this was a mistake," came a voice through the speaker.

The shadowhunter from yesterday? Well, wasn't this a case of deja vu. Except he sounded different. Not nervous like the first time he interrupted him during a show but something was definitely off.

"Wait," Magnus called back before buzzing the teenager in. "Come up."

He waited a few minutes. He was starting to think that the Nephilim had left before he heard a hesitant knock on his door.

When he opened the door, he came face to face with a visibly distraught Lightwood. He was standing before him in entirely black hunting gear, his hair disheveled around his face. His beautiful blue eyes were bloodshot and dark circles peeked out from underneath his long lashes.

"I didn't know where else to go," he whispered. One of his hands was painfully gripping the doorknob while his other one was crossed over his midsection and clinging to the material of his sleeve. "C-can I stay here tonight?"

Magnus looked at the boy, horrified, thinking the worst.

A/N: I'm so glad this chapter is over! I felt like I was dealing with a lot of logistics to get Alec to Magnus's place but we're here and I hope to hear what you think! Again, thank you for all the feedback!