A/N: Thank you so very much for all the reviews! They are so appreciated. Here is the next chapter. Just as a small note, I'm assuming that the Lightwood children were very sheltered growing up and never exposed to the media or older kids and thus, didn't learn about things most 13-year-olds today would know at least a little bit about.
Updated A/N: Some reviewers pointed out that I forgot about Magnus's spare bedrooms. I live in NYC and forget that some people have spare bedrooms. I've fixed that now! No sleeping on the couch for my favorite shadowhunter :).
Disclaimer: The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.
Warnings: This chapter includes feelings and memories associated with sexual abuse, nothing explicit. Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.
Learning to Be
Chapter 5: A Safe Place
Magnus moved out of the way of the doorway to let the teenager into the loft. Alec slipped inside and leaned against the closed door, his arms wrapped protectively around himself and his eyes avoiding the man in front of him.
The warlock feared that the poor boy had come out to his parents and they had proceeded to kick him out. He wouldn't put it past the Lightwoods.
"What happened, Alec?" he asked gently. "Did your parents kick you out?"
Alec lifted his head and looked at Magnus. "No. No, they didn't." He crinkled his eyebrows and despite his distraught appearance, it was so endearing.
Magnus reached out to guide him to the couch but Alec jerked away. Magnus raised an eyebrow. He was so jumpy.
"Come, let's sit down."
"O-okay," Alec murmured, following the older man to the couch. Alec sat on the edge of the sofa, as far away from Magnus as possible. He placed his hands on his knees and absently rubbed them. "I'm so sorry. I know I'm intruding."
"Nonsense," Magnus said, waving away the apology. "I enjoy your presence, especially in this delicious hunting gear. Much better than the baggy, faded sweaters."
Alec bit his bottom lip. "Maybe this was a mistake."
Magnus sighed. Apparently, he really needed to watch what he said. "I jest," he finally said, even if it was a lie. "Tell me what's wrong. Why can't you stay the night at home?"
Alec flinched and looked down. "I can't talk about it. Please."
Magnus didn't know what to say. A barely legal, closeted shadowhunter that he only met a few days ago shows up at his doorstep in the middle of the night, upset and unable to stay at home and he can't know why.
"I know I'm imposing. We barely know each other and I show up in the middle of the night and..."
"Hey, darling, it's okay." Magnus decided not to push the Nephilim.
"I'm sorry."
"You have got to stop apologizing."
Alec nodded. "It's crazy but for some reason, I feel like I can trust you even though we barely know each other."
Magnus grinned and leaned back. "I know I'm irresistible."
Alec didn't seem to register his words. "I-I don't ever trust people." His voice was a whisper. "I mean, the only people I trust are my siblings."
Magnus frowned. He didn't miss the fact that Alec excluded his parents from the list of those he trusts.
"It's absolutely irrational. This feeling." He looked up at Magnus, his beautiful eyes swimming with confusion. "Why do I trust you?" He pushed himself into the corner of the couch, like the cushions would protect him from harm.
Magnus wanted to reach forward and comfort him but he knew from past experiences that Alec didn't respond well to unexpected touches. "I won't break that trust, Alec." Magnus didn't even know where this was suddenly coming from but he felt a strong desire to reassure the shadowhunter.
Alec frowned. "Don't make promises you can't keep."
"I never do," he stated simply. What has happened in this boy's life to make him so untrusting?
"I hope I didn't interrupt anything important," he said, quickly changing the subject.
"Well, actually I was in the middle of an America's Next Top Model marathon but it's more entertaining with some company. Popcorn?" He grabbed the bowl of popcorn and placed it between them, waving his hand towards the TV. The screen came to life. Alec scooped some popcorn into his hand and popped one into his mouth.
"I don't know this show," he said in-between bites.
"Of course you don't. Do you shadowhunters even own a TV."
"We have a TV," he said defensively but then looked sheepishly at the screen. "But we don't have cable."
Magnus chuckled. "Well, my dear, I shall begin to introduce you to hours of entertainment."
"I don't get it. What are all these girls doing? Why are they walking funny? Why are they making those odd faces?"
Magnus couldn't help but smile. This boy was so cute.
"What?" Alec said. "Why are you smiling?"
"Oh nothing. Let me explain to you the world of modeling."
Alec frowned after Magnus finished his spiel. "So, you're telling me that people get paid a lot of money to wear clothes and take pictures in them? That seems like a big waste of money!"
"It's more complicated than that," Magnus said with a chuckle. "It's a form of advertising fashion and there is a lot of money in the industry. And you need to have the right look for the clothing line, the right expressions, the right walk."
Alec looked skeptical.
"You have the look for a model," Magnus continued. "Tall and lean, sharp features and stunning eyes."
Alec blushed but unlike before didn't look uncomfortable at the compliment. "Then you have the look too." His cheeks reddened some more.
Magnus grinned. "You think I'm hot?" He winked at the boy.
"I-I...no...I mean...you're..." He was flustered and confused.
"Hey, it's okay, Alec." Magnus refrained from reaching out.
Alec nodded absently and yawned.
The boy looked exhausted. "Did you bring anything from home to sleep in?"
Alec frowned. "I didn't think about it when I left. I kind of left in a rush."
Magnus was reminded that he didn't know what forced the Nephilim out of his own home.
"No problem." He snapped his fingers. Alec jumped as a pile of clothes landed on his lap. "There's a towel, some sweats and a t-shirt. There's new toothbrushes in the bathroom cabinet and feel free to use any of my toiletries. The bathroom is right through there," he said, pointing towards the bathroom.
Alec hugged the clothes to his chest and stood up. "Thank you."
xxxxxx
Alec locked the bathroom door behind him and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He ran his fingers over the dark circles under his eyes, which stood out against his porcelain skin. He sighed as he pulled off his hunting gear. He turned away from the mirror. He hated looking at his body.
Once he was under the water, he could feel the weight of exhaustion sweeping over him. He found himself sliding down to the floor and drawing his knees up to his chest. The hot water sprayed over his hair as he buried his head in his knees.
His thoughts were racing all over the place and he couldn't seem to get them under control. One minute he would feel the painful reminder of who slept in the institute while he hid away with a Downwolder he barely knew and the next minute he was thinking about the warlock's captivating eyes and perfect lips.
Alec groaned. He didn't want to think about Magnus's attractiveness. He couldn't imagine somebody touching him without falling apart into a million broken pieces and yet, his mind wouldn't let it go. He dug his fingernails into his calves, willing the skin to break. He didn't bring his razor with him.
xxxxxx
He was putting away dishes the old fashioned way when Alec stepped out of the bathroom. Magnus looked up and smiled internally at the night clothes Magnus had given the teenager.
His wet hair was plastered to the side of his face. He stood uncertainly, trying to pull up the gray sweats that sat low on his hips. The top he was wearing was bottle blue, a perfect match to his eyes. It was v-necked and fitted. Magnus tried not to leer at the gorgeous boy. Alec ran his hand through his hair, his shirt rising just a bit to reveal a strip of pale skin.
Magnus bit his lip. "Did you have everything you needed?" he finally said.
Alec nodded. "Yes, thank you."
"I made up a spare bedroom for you."
Alec walked passed the couch and as his back was to Magnus, the warlock grinned. Across the seat of the sweats, the word "Bootylicious" was printed in glittery red ink. And the pants did not lie.
Alec turned to the warlock and Magnus quickly composed himself.
"Magnus, thank you. I know I'm imposing but yeah, I just, I'm really grateful."
"You have got to stop. If you were imposing, you wouldn't still be here."
"I'll be out of your hair early tomorrow morning. I should make it back to the institute before people realize I'm gone."
Magnus frowned, hating that he had no idea why Alec was here in the first place.
"I have an early appointment tomorrow, so we can eat some breakfast before heading out."
"That sounds nice," Alec said shyly.
Magnus smiled.
"Good night, Alec."
"Good night."
xxxxxx
Four Years and 10 Months Earlier
Alec wasn't sleeping. He was waiting. He lay in his bed, his small fists clenched around his sheets. He hated night. He hated sleeping. He hated his room. But everyday he went to bed and waited.
It had been two months since Ben had come to his room that first night. At first, the older man would touch him in places that made him feel uncomfortable. It would be dark and he would close his eyes, his heart pounding as unwanted hands and lips explored his body as he lay there, unmoving.
He hated it.
Then he made Alec touch him.
"Alec, you need to return the favor."
Alec shook his head, tears running down his face.
"Don't make me angry. Do you want your parents to know what a dirty little boy you are?"
He hated it.
But a month ago, he introduced a new and painful horror. Alec had broken bones. He had accidentally burned his hand when he tried to fry eggs a couple of years ago. He had come down with an excruciating virus that left him bedridden for a week. But none of that compared to the pain Ben now inflicted on him on a nightly basis. Alec always felt like he was drowning—drowning in the pain and the shame and the unwanted touches and the horrible noises he made as he did unspeakable things to him.
Ben called it sex.
Alec couldn't pinpoint when he stopped talking but he knew it was soon after Ben started having sex with him. It's not like he consciously stopped speaking. It was like he couldn't speak anymore. Like his voice could no longer form words.
The boy heard the doorknob turning. Alec squeezed his eyes shut and tightened his grip on his sheets.
xxxxxx
Magnus was jolted out of his slumber. He sat up, groggily. What was that noise? Was there someone in his spare room?
It took him a moment to remember the eldest Lightwood child showing up at his apartment, needing a place to sleep.
He listened carefully. He could hear whimpering and then a scream. He shot out of his bed and hurried into the other room.
On the large bed lay the Nephilim, tangled in the sheets, his body twisting like he was trying to get away from something. Sweat glistened on his forehead and tears cut through his cheeks. Pain was evident on his face.
Without thinking, Magnus fell to his knees beside the bed and placed his hand gently on the boy's forehead. "Shh, it's okay. You're safe, darling."
Alec's body stopped moving and his head lulled to the side, settling into a magically induced dreamless sleep.
Magnus sat against the nightstand. He summoned a washcloth to his hand and leaned forward, gently wiping the sweat away from the boy's face. When he was satisfied, he leaned back, his eyes trained on the shadowhunter.
He frowned, deep in thought. What could cause this sweet, innocent boy such anguish?
A/N: Another chapter done. Let me know what you think.