A/N: This chapter took longer to get on virtual paper but it's finally here. As I continue to write this, Alec's emotions are getting more complicated and it definitely takes time to flesh out. I am forever grateful for the feedback and comments!

Disclaimer: The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Warnings: Alec thinks about the abuse in this chapter and while it's not explicitly descriptive, it's painful. Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

Learning to Be

Chapter 7: Sparring

Alec wiped away the beads of sweat building up on his forehead as he pounded his fists into the punching bag hanging in the center of the training room. Alec didn't often pull down the bag during training, opting to hone his archery skills or sparring with Jace or Isabelle but he knew that archery was not going to help him release some of the tension that was brewing inside.

He heard the door to the room open and he instantly stopped, swinging around, his heart racing faster than he knew was normal, despite his current level of exertion. He lifted his fists to his chin, internally cursing for not being within reach of a weapon.

"It's me," a familiar voice announced.

Alec's shoulders instantly slumped and his cheeks reddened with embarrassment. It was just Jace. He closed his eyes, knowing that he was going to remain jumpy until Manson left the Institute.

"Sorry," the older boy muttered.

Jace just shook his head, dismissing Alec's behavior. "I didn't see you when you came in this morning."

"I texted you when I got home," Alec replied.

"Are you avoiding me, Alec?"

Alec shook his head. "I just needed to be alone for a bit."

"You still want to be alone or would you like a real sparring partner?" he said, nodding towards the barely-used punching bag.

Alec nodded. "Yeah, that would be good. Here, help me get this back up."

Once the boys had put away the bag and Jace had gotten into his training gear, the Parabatai circled the center of the room. Alec felt himself falling into a rhythm of throwing punches and ducking blows as the two brothers fell into their normal routine. It was comforting, sparring with Jace, like nothing had changed, like Alec wasn't silently drowning in his own misery and jumping at every turn in the place that hadn't been a safe haven to him for five years but was now just as terrifying as it had been for so many months when he was a boy.

The two teenagers continued sparring for almost two hours before they collapsed against a mirrored wall, both boys sinking to the floor and stretching their legs out in front of themselves.

Jace huffed out some air. "I don't know how you lasted this long after that run you went on this morning."

Alec bit his lip, remembering his lie from earlier in the day. He shrugged. "A lot of pent of energy, I guess."

Jace looked over at the boy seated beside him. Alec could feel his eyes boring into him, like if he stared hard enough he could pull out his thoughts.

"What? Am I growing a third arm?" Alec said lightly, running his hand through his now-damp hair.

Jace turned away, leaning his head back and sighing. "Did you sleep all right?"

"Not bad, actually," Alec said truthfully, still marveling at the fact that he didn't remember any nightmares.

Jace shifted his body, drawing his legs into a criss-cross position and looked at his brother. "You know," he said carefully. "We never talked about it."

Alec's entire body tensed. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, Alec, think about it. There's this huge, horrible...thing," he started. Alec knew he didn't have the words to describe it, at least not without causing even more discomfort. "That you know I know about and we've just pretended that I don't know for the last four years. I mean, you remember me being there, right?"

Alec stared ahead, avoiding Jace's gaze. He drew his legs in, hugging his knees to his chest, much like he had done on that night. "I remember," he said softly. He tried to keep the water from building behind his eyes. "You...you were the one..." He couldn't say it.

He remembered Manson on top of him, his small body moving with each of the man's vicious thrusts, pain that he was now accustom to racing through him. He hadn't noticed Max entering the room the first time. His head was always turned away from the door but the second time, when he heard his mother yell, his whole world halted, including the man above him. He remembered Jace flying forward and the jolting pain of his tormenter being shoved off of him. He remembered scrambling to the headboard, ignoring the sharp agony that came with his quick movements, wanting nothing but to disappear from existence as the majority of his family filtered into the room and witnessed his shameful secret.

"I never wanted to talk about it," he finally said.

"You never talked about it to anyone? Not even Maryse?"

Alec laughed humorlessly. "Maybe if I had talked to her, he wouldn't be here and I wouldn't be jumping every time someone opens a door."

Jace clenched his jaw.

"By the time I was talking again, I think they were just happy that I wasn't silent anymore. They didn't want to talk about it and I was more than happy to keep things that way."

"I think that maybe you should..."

Alec looked at Jace. "Should what?"

"Talk about it. I mean, I don't think it's very healthy to keep all that...pain bottled up."

Alec shook his head, his jaw set. "I don't think so."

Jace sighed and they remained silent for a few minutes. Finally, the blonde broke the silence. "We were the same age but he..."

Alec tensed once more. How many times had he thought about it. Alec and Jace were practically the same age and Manson had picked him. Not once had Alec ever wished that he had targeted Jace. He loved his adoptive brother and he would take all the pain the world had to offer if it would spare the younger boy. But that didn't stop him from wondering if maybe he was chosen because he was being punished.

"I wish I could have protected you."

Alec doubted that a 12-year-old, despite all his strength could have protected him. "You didn't know."

"Sometimes..." He looked away from the older boy. "Maybe if he had picked me..."

Alec felt his whole body jerk as he jumped to his feet, glaring down at his Parabatai. "Then what?" Alec hissed. "Why would you even say that?"

"It's just, I see you now and..."

"And what? What, Jace? You think because I'm weaker than you...because I'm weak and pathetic, if he had picked you, you wouldn't have let him..." He was having trouble breathing. Tears blurred his vision. They all thought he was weak. He was shameful and dirty. Maybe Jace even thought he wanted it. He drew in some air.

Jace sprung to his feet and reached out for Alec. "Never, Alec," he implored.

Alec jerked away again. "Just stay away from me, Jace," he hissed before turning and storming out of the room.

xxxxxx

Jace stood frozen in the center of the training room, feeling nauseous. What had he done? How could Alec think that he thought he was weak and pathetic? He replayed their conversation, trying to see how he had come to that conclusion.

Deciding that thinking about it wouldn't help, he left the room and headed towards Alec's room. He barged into the room, surprised it was unlocked but when he found it empty, he groaned with frustration.

Next, he checked the bathroom. He could hear water running from inside and he sighed with relief. Knowing that the boy had to eventually come out, Jace sank to the floor beside the bathroom and waited.

He realized now that Alec had a warped perception of himself and what Jace had said hadn't helped. Jace didn't think that he was weaker than him and he wouldn't pretend to understand the fear, shame and pain that Alec endured for so long or to think that he would have somehow reacted differently to the same trauma.

The sick bastard had access to two boys of the same age and he had focused his attention on Alec instead of Jace and Jace would be lying if said he hadn't thought about it. It was easy to say that he wished that it had been him in order to take away his best friend's pain when it was in the past and he didn't have to actually be confronted with the possibility. By some trick of fate, he had been safe while Alec had suffered in silence.

He jumped to his feet when he heard the doorknob turn. Alec yelled and stumbled back and in retrospect, Jace probably shouldn't have been hovering right outside the bathroom, unannounced. He slammed the bathroom door shut.

"Alec, damn it, come out."

"What the fuck, Jace!" he called back. He could hear him getting his breathing under control.

"I'm sorry. I just want to talk."

Finally the older boy stepped out. He was wearing a t-shirt and a pair of black track pants but Jace's eyes instantly fell on the newly drawn iratze on the inside of his lower arm.

"Were you hurt?" Jace asked, eyeing the rune suspiciously.

Alec instinctively covered the rune with his hand. "Um, yeah, from yesterday, I just didn't realize until now."

Jace narrowed his eyes, not believing him. Neither of them got near the demon. Isabelle had disposed of it in under a minute tops.

"What are you doing here, Jace?" Alec said, his voice laced with annoyance.

Jace's mind was drawn away from the lies surrounding the iratze. "Alec, how could you think that I think you're weak or pathetic? Not once have I thought that."

Alec sighed and moved away from the bathroom. Jace followed him into the bedroom and fell into Alec's desk chair. Alec sat on the edge of his bed and looked at his Parabatai.

Jace needed to clarify a few things. "Look, what I said, I said because I would want to do anything to take away your suffering."

Alec opened his mouth to say something but Jace cut him off.

"Just like you would do anything for me. Tell me Alec, do you wish that it had been me?"

Alec's eyes blazed angrily. "Never," he said fiercely.

"Exactly. I won't pretend that I could even begin to understand what you've been through, Alec. I'm sorry if you thought for a minute that I was judging you in any way. You are always protecting us, Alec. You have the purest heart I know and I just...I want so badly to take this all away from you."

Alec laughed harshly. "Pure is not a word I would use to describe me."

Jace felt like like a fist was squeezing his heart. "Alec..."

"I am weaker, Jace. He picked me because he could see it as plain as you see my black hair and blue eyes. He knew things about me. Things that I am ashamed of and he used that...I was easy, Jace. For Raziel's sake, I went silent and let him do whatever he wanted." Jace could hear Alec's voice catching. "But if me being weaker meant that he didn't hurt you or Izzy or Max, then I should be glad."

"Alec," Jace said harshly, causing his brother's head to snap up, his haunted eyes looking at him, slightly startled. "I need you to stop believing these lies you've built up in your head. You didn't let him do anything, do you understand?"

Alec just shook his head and grabbed a pair of sneakers. He stood up and tried to smile at his brother. "Thanks, Jace," he said, although it sounded more like a formality than an acknowledgment that he believed anything Jace said.

"I think I'm going to go for another run," he said, quickly slipping passed the blonde teenager. "Text me if we're going demon hunting later."

Jace watched him leave, feeling utterly defeated. He ran a hand through his hair. He felt alone and lost and he wished he had someone to turn to to help him get through to the broken teenager.

A/N: Wow, that was hard to write. At first I had writer's block and then I thought I would get this Alec/Jace scene and the next Malec scene in this chapter but the Alec/Jace scene kind of ran away with itself. As I keep writing this story, I'm starting to realize how complicated Alec's emotions are. Luckily you guys seem to be okay with the slower pace. So, next up Alec's going to get a text from a certain warlock and we will be on to more Malec. And I promise that eventually, Magnus and Isabelle will find out what's going on. Please let me know what you think, as I am totally driven by your comments!