"You ok, J?" asked Two-Face, knocking on the door to his room.
"Yeah, just…uh…deciding what to wear!" called back Joker.
"Better hurry up – dinner's almost ready," said Two-Face. "Ivy's just gone to help Harley get ready and make sure the dress she's borrowing fits, so I thought I'd do the same. You need any help? J?"
He opened the door to see Joker sitting on the bed in his boxers, suits thrown haphazardly around the room. "I can't do this, Harvey," he said, whirling around to face him. "What if I screw it up? What if I don't know what to say, or say the wrong thing? I could ruin everything! And this is the one chance I got to really hit things off with Harley…"
"I'm sure it'll be fine if you just relax," said Two-Face, soothingly. "Anyway, you fought a crocodile for her earlier today. I don't know why you think a first date is scarier than that."
"It is, though!" exclaimed Joker. "Fighting stuff – I'm good at that! But dating? I don't have any idea what the hell I'm doing there! It's all about being honest and sincere and serious, and expressing your feelings in a heartfelt way – I'm no good with that! And what if she's expecting me to do or say certain things, and I don't, and she gets really offended and storms off and won't let me talk to her again…"
"It's not like she has anyplace else to go – she's kinda trapped here," said Two-Face.
"That's even worse! What if I screw things up tonight, and things are really awkward between us? There's no escape from the awkwardness since we're both trapped here!" exclaimed Joker.
"Well, if you screw up, at least Crane will be happy so he can have his shot at her," said Two-Face. "Now, c'mon, J, get ahold of yourself. She likes you – anybody can see that from today. You just gotta be yourself and act natural, and she'll keep liking you."
"Yeah, I like her too," agreed Joker. "I like her a lot, I…I dunno…I think I might…love her. You think I should tell her that?"
"Maybe not on the first date," said Two-Face. "Might come across as a bit desperate. Not that keeping her prisoner here doesn't come off as a bit desperate, but no need to add to that impression. But if things go well tonight, who knows? No pressure, but we all are kinda counting on you to break this spell, so try not to screw up, huh?"
"Thanks, Harvey, that's filled me with confidence," said Joker, rolling his eyes. "So…which suit should I go with?"
After several coin flips, Two-Face finally said, "Purple one."
"But that's the suit I always wear," said Joker.
"The coin says the purple one," repeated Two-Face, firmly. "Don't argue with the coin."
Joker sighed, reaching for his regular suit. "All right. Might help with the whole be myself and relax thing if I'm dressed the way I normally dress."
"You didn't even dress up for her?!" exclaimed Crane as Joker and Two-Face entered the cafeteria. Ivy had done an excellent job decorating – roses and lilacs perfumed the air and blossomed from the walls and ceiling.
"The coin said he should wear the purple suit," said Two-Face. "We always listen to the coin."
"She's going to be horribly offended you didn't go through even the slightest bit of effort to dress up for her!" snapped Crane. "Doesn't this occasion mean anything to you at all?! Don't you think she's special?!"
"Of course I do," retorted Joker.
"Well, you haven't shown it by your choice of clothing!" snapped Crane.
"All right, screw the coin, I'm changing!" snapped Joker, heading for the door. Two-Face grabbed his arm suddenly.
"Too late," he said, nodding at the opposite door.
Ivy had entered the room with Harley, who was dressed in a long, stunning red ballgown that billowed out around her. The bodice and gloves were black, and her blonde hair was done up in two pigtails. She beamed at Joker, who just stared at her, his jaw dropped in amazement.
"Didn't feel like dressing up, huh?" she asked.
"Uh…no, I…was just gonna…go change," stammered Joker, but she laughed.
"Don't," she said. "I like being casual. I can barely breathe in this thing with the corset and all, but Ivy insisted I had to dress up. Kinda regret letting her talk me into it now, but at least one of us can be comfortable tonight," she said, smiling at him.
"Believe me, toots, I ain't comfortable," he stammered. "Not when you look like that – just reinforces the fact that you're way outta my league, and I gotta be crazy to think there's a shot in hell of a guy like me winning the heart of a girl like you."
Harley smiled again. "I like crazy, remember?" she whispered, taking his hand. "How's your arm feeling?"
"Oh yeah, it's…uh…still there," he said, smiling at her. "Thanks to you and your torture."
Harley giggled. "Told you so, Mr. J!"
"Mr. J?" he repeated.
Harley shrugged. "Just thought, 'cause this seems so formal and all, that we should be formal with each other. But not too formal, huh, Mr. J?" she asked, smiling at him.
"N…no," he stammered. "But…do let me escort you to your seat, milady."
Harley giggled again and Joker relaxed into an easy smile, leading her over to the table. He began to pull out her chair for her, but Harley stopped him. "Nothing wrong with my arms," she said, grinning at him.
"Nah, but I insist," he said. "Just to prove I got manners."
He looked at Tetch, who gave him a nod of approval from the kitchen. "Go serve the soup, Jonathan," said Tetch, pushing Crane forward.
Crane placed the bowl of soup gently down in front of Harley, with a smile. Then he headed over to Joker, slamming the bowl down angrily in front of him and splattering his suit with soup.
"Thanks…Johnny," growled Joker, mopping it up. "Try to be a little less clumsy with the next course, huh?"
"Of course," said Crane, calmly. "It's dessert that I'm hoping to be particularly clumsy with – pudding en flambe."
"What's that mean?" asked Joker as Crane headed back to the kitchen.
"On fire," explained Harley. "It's a French thing."
"Well…I enjoy fire too, just not for eating," said Joker, slowly. "You sure some French guy didn't just leave dessert in the oven too long, and then tried to pass it off as a delicacy?"
"Maybe that's how it was invented," agreed Harley, with a smile. "Or maybe they just have strange ideas about food – they do eat snails, after all."
"Hatty! You ain't serving us snails, are you?" shouted Joker. "I refuse to eat that!"
"If I were serving escargot, it would be in place of the soup du jour, being a hors d'oeuvre!" shouted back Tetch.
"Speak English!" shouted Joker.
"No, I'm not serving snails," he snapped, emerging from the kitchen. "What sort of romantic mood would that set?"
Two-Face came over, taking a seat at the table next to them and beginning to play the double bass. Joker and Harley stared at him for a moment, and then Joker stood up, smiling at Harley.
"Scuse me for a second, toots," he said, heading for the kitchen. "Hatty!" he snapped. "What sort of romantic mood are we meant to have with Harvey here? Tell him to beat it! Three's a crowd!"
"He's providing mood music," said Tetch.
"No offense, but I think a little privacy would be more conducive to the whole romance thing than mood music!" snapped Joker. "Especially since it sounds like Harvey's been neglecting his practicing!"
"Trust me, it will help," said Tetch.
Joker growled, heading back into the dining room and sitting back down next to Harley, who was clearly trying to be polite about Two-Face's playing. Joker could tell that her smile was fake, and suddenly punched his fist through the double bass.
"Aw, gee, sorry, Harv, clumsy me," he said. "You'd better get outta here before I break something else of yours."
Two-Face shrugged. "I can take a hint," he said, standing up and leaving, dragging the double bass after him.
Harley giggled, smiling at Joker. "Mr. J, that was a very mean thing to do."
"Don't pretend you didn't want me to," he said. "It's bad enough that the nerds keep coming and going from the kitchen, and with Pammie's plants everywhere, I feel like we're constantly being watched."
"I like them," said Harley.
"I don't," he retorted. "I especially hate roses, after that crap the enchantress pulled on me. Just a constant reminder of my predicament."
"Have you ever thought that maybe this spell might not be a bad thing?" asked Harley, sipping her drink. "I mean, the clown look isn't common, but I kinda like it. Makes you stand out from the crowd and look distinctive."
"Yeah, like a freak," agreed Joker.
Harley shrugged. "At least you have a reason to be judged as a freak - you can just blame it on your appearance. I don't have that excuse."
"Who thinks you're a freak?" asked Joker.
"Everyone," she replied. "I…didn't really have any friends in Gotham. Everyone kinda thought I was weird."
"They're idiots," retorted Joker. "Or crazy."
"Actually, I learned not to mind it," said Harley, shrugging. "I'd rather be a freak if being normal means to be shallow and boring, like Bruce Wayne. And I woulda never had to put up with his advances if I'd looked as freakish as everyone thought me. Might be a good way to ward off the creeps," she added, smiling. "What I'm trying to say is, maybe it's a good thing that you wear your personality on the surface. I kinda wish we all did, since most people are too blind to see past that."
"Yeah, they are," agreed Joker. "Which is why it's so important not to look like a freak, unless you wanna end up alone forever."
"The enchantress obviously thought differently, since she gave you a way to break the spell," retorted Harley. "Getting somebody to love you. If you do that, Mr. J, how you look ain't gonna matter. Love is blind. And if somebody can love you as a clown, they sure as heck don't need you to change into someone else for them. You love who you love, no matter what they look like."
"I…guess," said Joker. "I saw the way to break the spell as more like taunting us with the impossible. Getting somebody to love me is like making a hostage saw both his arms off to get the key to his cell. You bleed to death before you get to use it."
"I'm…not sure what you mean with that metaphor," said Harley, slowly. "Or how you came up with it."
"Experience," said Joker, shrugging. "And what I mean is that you give them a glimmer of hope in order to make them suffer more. It's one of the cruelest ways to torture someone."
"This don't look much like torture to me," said Harley, nodding at the meal in front of them.
"Well…it ain't anymore, with you here," said Joker, slowly. "It's like sawing both your arms off without the pain. Or the bleeding to death."
"Thanks…I think," stammered Harley.
"Yeah, it was meant to be a compliment," said Joker. "But I guess I should stick to 'you look pretty in that dress,' huh?"
"No," replied Harley. "I like your style of compliment. It's very unique."
She smiled at him, and he smiled back, thinking that despite a few minor setbacks, this evening was going pretty well.
Crane refrained from slamming down the next few courses in front of Joker, but when they reached dessert, he shoved Joker's portion of flaming pudding at him. Joker intercepted it before it landed in his lap.
"You singe the suit and you owe me a new one!" snapped Joker.
"I wasn't aiming for your suit," retorted Crane, heading back to the kitchen.
Joker stood up again, following him. "Scuse me again, Harley," he said, smiling at her.
The moment the door to the kitchen was closed, Joker slapped Crane across the back of the head. "What the hell is wrong with you?!" he hissed. "Don't you want this spell broken? Or do you wanna be a scarecrow forever?"
"It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make to save that precious girl from having to endure the attentions of a brute!" snapped Crane. "Who is only interested in courting her for his own selfish ends!"
"You don't know anything about why I'm courting her!" snapped Joker. "I got feelings too, y'know!"
"Really? Could have fooled me," retorted Crane. "You try to kill her earlier today, and suddenly you're in love with her?"
"Yeah, maybe I am!" snapped Joker. "So just stay outta it, pal!" he said, shoving him back. Crane raised a fist to punch him, but Tetch stepped in between them.
"Wait, wait, wait," he said. "Joker, are you saying you're in love with the girl?"
"I…dunno," retorted Joker.
"Of course he's not!" snapped Crane. "If he were, the spell would be broken!"
"No, she has to love him in return," said Tetch. "But this is good! This is very good! This is the first step!"
"The second step will be impossible," snorted Crane. "Harley's not crazy – she's not going to fall in love with a man who tried to blow her up earlier today!"
"Maybe not," agreed Joker. "But I'm hoping she's crazier than you think."
He stormed out of the kitchen. "Your pudding's getting cold, especially now that the fire's gone out," commented Harley.
"Not a big fan of pudding anyway," growled Joker, shoving it away from him.
"Why the long face?" asked Harley, eating a spoonful of dessert. She grinned at him. "Puddin'."
"Is that meant to be funny?" demanded Joker.
"Funny, cute," said Harley, shrugging. "Doncha like the nickname, puddin'?"
"No," he snapped. "I hate it, just like I hate actual pudding!"
"You need to cheer up, puddin'," said Harley, finishing her own serving of pudding. "Nobody likes a sad clown. Maybe we could do something fun after dinner to put a smile back on your face."
Joker tried desperately to think of some fun after-dinner activity. He looked to the kitchen, where Tetch stood in the doorway, miming dancing.
Joker cleared his throat. "You wanna maybe…go watch some TV?"
"TV?!" exclaimed Tetch. "I was going for dancing! Dancing! Ask her to dance!"
"TV sounds great, actually," said Harley. "I ain't really that much of a dancer."
"Me neither," agreed Joker. "C'mon, let's see what's on. It's the only window to the outside world we got, after all."
Tetch stared after them. "TV!" he snorted. "On a first date! Could there be anything more unromantic? Honestly, and people call me mad!" he sighed, clearing away the dishes.