A/N: Sorry for the delay in updating! The weekend was very busy. So many people reviewed the last chapter. I really, really appreciated it and I hope everyone has the chance to leave a review for this chapter. I love to know what you think! And to my anonymous reviewers, I cannot reply to your reviews via PM, like I do for the signed reviews, but know that I totally appreciate your reviews! Thank you!

Disclaimer: The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Warnings: This chapter has a lot of discussion of self-destructive behavior. Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

Learning to Be

Chapter 10: Old Scars

Magnus braced himself as he stepped out of the portal into his spare bedroom with Alec in his arms. He carefully placed the shadowhunter on the bed before depositing the backpack on the floor.

Alec's eyes fluttered open and he looked around, dazed and confused. Magnus sat in the chair by the bedside as the teenager tried to sit up.

"Alec, you need to lie down," Magnus instructed. He placed a hand gently on his shoulder to keep him from sitting up but Alec immediately pushed him away, his eyes widening as he tired to move out of his reach. He was breathing heavily and looking at the warlock with distrust.

"I need you to breathe slowly, all right Alec? It's just me, Magnus. I promise, I'm not going to hurt you." His voice had never been so gentle and soothing. But it had been a long time since he had seen someone look so vulnerable and scared. He was suddenly reminded of his own reflection soon after he accidentally killed his father while he was trying to drown Magnus.

Alec just shook his head, grabbing at his arms, his fingers becoming slick with blood. Magnus reached his hand out once more and the teenager flinched before he even touched him. Magnus sighed and pressed his fingers to Alec's forehead and watched as the boy's eyes fluttered shut and he slumped against the headboard.

Magnus knew he was taking the easy route but he needed to heal the teenager and temporarily knocking him out was the easiest way to keep him still. He quickly repositioned the unconscious boy into a lying position and snapped his fingers, removing his shirt and pants. This was the second time he was seeing the Nephilim half naked and he was still unable to appreciate the beauty in front of him. Instead he went straight to accessing his body for injuries.

He started with his arms. He grabbed a wrist and frowned when he noticed just how many times he had cut himself. They looked like they were made frantically and without any thought. Blue sparks crackled from his fingers as he healed the cuts on both arms. Once they were gone and he had cleaned away the blood, Magnus noticed that there were still a spattering of scars that were not runes-not enough to notice them if you weren't looking for them but after how Magnus found him, they stood out as if they were bright, glittering lines. What was this Nephilim doing to himself? Or maybe the more important question was why.

He went to examine his legs just in case and he again noticed a few faint scars that disappeared under the bottom of his boxers. He let out a loud sigh of frustration before snapping his fingers again. Alec was clad in the sweatpants and tank top Magnus had given him the previous night.

After the boy was fully dressed, Magnus brushed his fingers against his forehead once more before leaning back and watching as Alec's piercing blue eyes were visible. At first, he just blinked, his head turning from side to side as if he was trying to figure out where he was and how he got here. Finally his eyes settled on the warlock and he could see the hint of panic creeping into him.

"You're at my loft, Alec. You're safe here."

Alec's eyes widened and he scrambled into a seating position. He grabbed at his arms, staring at the healed skin intently. "How...how did I get here?"

"I brought you here through a portal."

"A portal? How did you know where to find me?" He was rubbing at his arms, staring at them like they were foreign to his body.

"I asked you via text."

"My arms..."

"Were a bloody mess when I found you." Magnus tried to keep the anger out of his voice. What could compel Alec to do this to himself?

Alec squeezed his eyes shut, his body shaking slightly. "I..."

"What were you thinking?"

Alec swung his body to the side so that he was sitting with his legs over the ledge of the bed. "I should go."

"Go? Go where? You were on your way here when I found you."

Alec dropped his head into his hands, his body still trembling. When Magnus reached out to comfort him by placing a hand on his knee, Alec immediately flinched.

"I'm sorry," Alec mumbled, his face still buried in his hands.

Magnus closed his own eyes for a moment, trying to center himself. "Alec, look at me," he said gently.

Slowly Alec lifted his head. His eyes were bloodshot. Just a few hours ago, Magnus had spent a splendid evening with the shadowhunter and now, he was an absolute wreck.

Magnus placed his hands, palms up, in front of the younger man. "I want you to take my hands."

Alec looked at him with confusion. "Why?"

"Remember how you told me that you felt like you could trust me even though we barely knew each other."

Alec nodded.

"Do you trust me?"

Alec's bottom lip trembled. "I want to," he whispered.

"Take my hands, please, Alec."

Alec lifted his hands but hesitated for a moment. Finally, he placed his hands over Magnus's.

"I'm going to hold your hands, okay?" Magnus said.

Alec nodded tentatively. The teenager tensed as Magnus curled his fingers around the slightly smaller hands but he didn't pull away.

"I want you to know that I will not hurt you." He squeezed his hands lightly. "You are safe with me, okay?"

"I'm scared to believe that, Magnus. If I believe it to be true and it ends up being a lie...I...I don't think I'll recover. It's safer to not trust."

Magnus nodded. He related to having trust issues. The two people that he was supposed to trust implicitly broke it when he was a little boy and building that capacity afterwards had taken Magnus more years than Alec had in his lifetime.

"You don't have to believe it now but that doesn't change the fact that you are safe with me."

Alec slowly withdrew his hands, pressing them against his thighs, his eyes downcast. Magnus could see him biting his bottom lip, deep in thought.

"But Alec, we need to talk about this," he started gently.

Alec closed his eyes. "There's nothing to talk about," he muttered.

"I found you on the street, half conscious and your arms littered with self-inflicted cuts."

The teenager was now rubbing the base of his palms up and down his thighs, the material of the sweats gathering and separating with each stroke. "I should go," he repeated.

Magnus shook his head. "Go where? Back to the Institute?" Magnus knew he was being slightly cruel, but the conversation had to happen and he knew Alec did not want to spend the night at the Institute, even if he had no clue as to why.

Alec looked up, devastated eyes roaming the room before settling on his backpack. "Can I have my bag?"

Magnus reached to the side and grabbed the bag before passing it to Alec. The boy instantly started rummaging through the contents. Not finding what he wanted, he looked up at Magnus and he could see more panic creeping into his expression.

"What are you looking for?" Magnus knew exactly what he was looking for but he needed Alec to acknowledge it so they could talk about it.

Alec looked at him desperately. Magnus dug into his pocket and took out Alec's phone. "Are you looking for this?" he asked.

He frowned, taking the device in his hand. "Magnus, please."

"I'm not going to just let this go, Alec. A few hours ago, we're having a great time. Then you go back to that damn Institute and this happens," he said. Magnus spoke softly, trying to keep the anger from creeping into his voice.

Alec stood up abruptly. "I need to go to the bathroom."

Magnus stood in front of him and snapped his fingers. "You won't find anything sharp in there."

Alec flinched. "I...I wasn't going to..."

Magnus leaned against the bathroom door. "How long have you been hurting yourself?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I saw the old scars when I healed you."

Alec tensed and instantly wrapped his arms around himself protectively.

"But from what I saw today, you've done this more often than your scars may insinuate. I'm assuming you started using an iratze to heal them before they left scars. So, Alec, how long have you been doing this?"

Alec sank to the ground, leaning his back against the wall and drawing in his knees, defeat and exhaustion mingling with the pain evident on his face.

Magnus sank down beside him. Very few people could make him sit on the floor but he didn't even think about it.

"A few years," Alec murmured. He avoided looking at Magnus.

"Does anyone know?"

Alec shook his head. His fingers played with the hem of the sweatpants.

Then Magnus asked the hardest question. "Why do you do this, Alec?"

Alec squeezed his eyes shut as his fingers formed into fists around the material.

"I don't know."

"I think you do know."

Alec opened his eyes and finally looked at the warlock. Magnus never wanted to see those beautiful eyes look at him with such excruciating emotions. "You think I want to do this?" Angry tears ran down his face as he raised his voice. "You think I want to be this fucked up. You would think carving runes into my skin would be enough self-infliction for one person. You think I don't know how pathetic I am?" Alec was digging his nails into his calves as he yelled, bright red crescents becoming visible in his pale skin.

"You're hurting yourself, Alec."

Alec's hands flew away from his legs like he had burnt them, his face turning red.

"I just...it's better...I control this pain. I can deal with it."

Magnus doubted that the boy had any control over the behavior but he kept that to himself. "Deal with it as opposed to dealing with what, Alec?"

Magnus could see him shutting down again.

"Nothing," Alec muttered.

"Alec..."

Here was a boy who had major trust issues.

Who could barely handle other people touching him.

Who was scared of his sexuality.

Who didn't feel safe in his own home.

Who hurt himself.

'Nothing' was as far from the truth as possible.

"I'm tired Magnus." He sounded emotionally exhausted.

Magnus nodded slowly, knowing that he was reaching the boy's limit and that he would have to wait before getting more out of him.

"I know, Alec."

"Are you going to keep my razor?" Although it was a question, Magnus knew that Alec had already resigned himself to the only obvious answer.

"Yes, Alec. I'm keeping it."

He looked away sadly.

"I don't see the point, Magnus. You can't keep everything away from me. Please, can I have it back."

"Listen, I'm no therapist but I'm pretty sure you need to replace this with something else."

"Replace the razor?"

"No, Alec. Replace this self-destructive behavior. You said you control this pain. It's easier to deal with than whatever other pain you're feeling at the time. Things get overwhelming and this is your way of getting back that control."

Alec just stared at him like he was speaking a foreign language. Magnus knew that Nephilim did not have any form of therapy or counseling in their society, whereas Magnus had lived enough years amongst mundanes to know something about it.

"When you feel overwhelmed or unable to handle your emotions, you need to do something else besides hurting yourself."

"Like what?"

"You could call me. Even if it's just to chat about something else." Magnus knew he was in deep now and that there was no point in denying that he cared enough to make this level of commitment.

Alec looked at him startled. "Why do you care so much, Magnus? I mean, you barely know me and I'm Nephilim."

Magnus looked at the teenager carefully. He wondered about that himself.

"If this is about pity...I don't want it," Alec said, sounding almost aggressive.

Magnus knew that there was an attraction between them, even if Alec could not acknowledge it but that wasn't the only reason that he cared as much as he did.

"It's not pity, Alec. I know what it's like to feel so much pain that you don't know what to do with it...how to handle it. There are many ways to be self-destructive."

Alec looked at him sadly. "Because of your parents?"

Magnus shifted, starting to feel fatigue himself. "It was a long time ago. But I had people who helped me and I want to help you. You should call me. And if I can't pick up you need to talk to someone else. Is there someone else you can talk to? Even if you don't tell them about this."

Alec nodded. "I can talk to Jace and maybe Izzy, I guess."

"Good. I know this doesn't mean that everything is magically solved but it's a start."

Alec looked at him doubtfully but nodded nonetheless.

Magnus stood up and held out his hand. "Come on, I think we both could do with some sleep."

Alec looked at the hand and after what seemed like a long time, he took hold of the hand and allowed the warlock to pull him up from his seated position.

Magnus smiled at the Nephilim and squeezed his hand. He wanted so badly to pull him close and hold him but he refrained from initiating that much contact with the jumpy shadowhunter.

"Good night, Alec," he said, squeezing his hand one more time before leaving the bedroom, knowing that at least tonight, he was safe.

A/N: I know, a lot of talking and not much action. But a lot of necessary talking. It may seem somewhat calm right now but unfortunately, it's just not that easy. Next chapter will be from Alec's POV. And more with Jace and Izzy coming up. Please let me know what you think!