A/N: Thank you so very much for all the reviews, both signed and anonymous! They really keep me going. To my signed reviewers, I did not have time to respond to reviews from the previous chapter but I promise to get to them as soon as possible along with reviews from this chapter. Let me know what you think of the chapter once you finish reading!

Disclaimer: The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Warnings: This chapter has some scenes alluding to sexual abuse; feelings of internalized homophobia; and thoughts of self-harm. Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

Learning to Be

Chapter 11: An Unexpected Arrival

At first, all he could register were the sparkles. They twinkled above his hairline, dancing just beyond his line of sight. Then he felt soft fingers brushing against his jaw and cheeks. Alec felt himself leaning forward and capturing the lips in front of him with his own and draping his arms around the taller man's neck as he drew him in, his tongue probing for access.

Magnus moaned contently, his hands moving to the shadowhunter's waist and dragging him forward as he stepped backward until the back of Magnus's knees hit the edge of a bed and he collapsed into it, pulling Alec down and on top of him.

Finally giving Alec access, he allowed his tongue to dart forward, exploring the warlock's mouth, feverishly matching the more experienced man's movements. In an attempt to get more comfortable, Magnus shuffled deeper into the bed and Alec adjusted his body so that he was straddling the older man at the waist and leaning down, their chests flush against each other, so their lips did not need to part.

Magnus's hands rubbed up and down his back, pushing his shirt up and exploring the pale skin underneath. Alec's heart was pounding and he wondered if Magnus could hear it. He started to explore the beautiful man below him, his own hands finding their way under the man's tank top. He felt Magnus buck his hips up and he blushed, feeling his pants getting tight as Magnus's clothed arousal jutted against his thigh. He closed his eyes.

Suddenly, Magnus grabbed at his waist and he felt himself being flipped over, so that his back was buried into the soft duvet and the man's weight was on top of him.

"You're so beautiful. Let me see those perfect blue eyes."

Alec's whole body froze as his eyes flung open in horror. The man above him did not sparkle. He had thin brown hair and hard lines on his face. Cruel eyes seemed to bore into his skin as the man smiled evilly.

Alec tried to scream but no sound came out of his mouth. He struggled underneath the man but he was too strong. He pushed Alec further into the mattress, smiling maliciously.

"I see that you are hard for me."

Tears ran down Alec's face as he shook his head. His heart raced violently and his breathing was coming out ragged. Hands pinched and grabbed at his flesh, moving downwards until one slipped underneath his pants. Alec's fingers clawed at the duvet, gripping at the material tightly as unwanted hands roughly grabbed at him.

He squeezed his eyes shut, praying that it would all stop. Where had Magnus gone?

He felt a rush of cold air and he reluctantly opened his eyes. He was no longer in Magnus's spare bedroom. He was seated on the sidewalk, leaning against the front of the bakery, dazed and confused. A man loomed over him. Although he couldn't see him properly, he knew it wasn't Magnus. The man leaned forward and grabbed him by the chin, pulling him up until he was on his knees. Unconsciously, he grabbed at the man's calf to steady himself and he noticed the blood dripping from cuts on his arms. How did that happen? He thought Magnus healed him.

He registered the sounds of the man unbuckling his jeans. In the distance, he saw the sparkles again. The tall warlock walked forward until he was fully visible.

He felt the man grab at his jaw and push his fingers into his cheeks, forcing his mouth open.

Alec stared at the warlock, his eyes glistening. Help me, he silently implored.

Magnus just leaned against a lamppost. "I don't want used goods," he said nonchalantly before turning around and walking away.

xxx

By the time Alec got up, his entire body was drenched in sweat, his borrowed tank top plastered to his chest. He sat up, instantly feeling the urge to vomit. His heart was still racing and his eyes were puffy and red. He banged his head against the wall violently and didn't even seem to feel the pain.

Flinging the sheets aside, he rushed to the bathroom and collapsed in front of the toilet before regurgitating the pizza he had eaten last night. He continued to heave into the porcelain bowl long after his stomach was empty, his midsection still spasming painfully.

Finally, he stood up, flushing the toilet and grabbing for the sink. He splashed water into his face and tried to gargle the taste out of his mouth. His whole body was shaking and his skin crawled with the phantom touches. He pulled open all the drawers and cupboards, his hands and eyes searching for something to help him take away the feeling. He cursed under his breath. Magnus had really hidden any sharp objects.

He went back to the bedroom and grabbed his bag. He had his stele but he knew he could never use it for anything but making runes. He looked at the clock. 5:00am. He could go talk to Magnus, like the warlock suggested but the thought made his stomach turn, thinking about the dream he had just had. He was so tired and confused. Why did his mind have to do this to him? He didn't want to kiss Magnus, he tried convincing himself. Even if he did, he knew he couldn't. Just the thought brought horrifying memories rushing forward. Even in his dreams, the idea of something consensual suddenly twisted into a nightmare that left Alec feeling nauseous.

He held back the tears as he grabbed his mouth roughly, remembering what his mind forced him to do in front of that bakery. How many times had he been forced to do that as a kid? Tears clung to his eyelashes. He needed to get out. He grabbed the clothes he had packed and quickly switched into his own t-shirt and sweats. He made the bed and neatly folded the borrowed clothes. He quickly scrawled a note saying that he was needed back at the institute before putting on his sneakers.

He quietly made his way through the loft, knowing that his could easily sneak by without waking up the warlock. As he got to the door he felt something brush against his leg and it took everything to keep silent. He looked down, to see Chairman Meow rubbing against him, purring softly. Alec sighed and bent down to stroke the cat before slipping out into the dark city. He adjusted the backpack on his shoulders and broke into a run. If he couldn't have his razor, at least he could run.

xxx

Maryse sat at the kitchen island, stirring her tea mindlessly. Since coming home, she had barely seen her children. She did have a chance to spend some time with her daughter but both boys actively avoided her.

She knew she shouldn't expect less. Alec could barely look at her and Jace was such an steadfast defender of his adoptive brother in a way that Maryse knew she was failing her son. She clenched a jaw, wishing she could drag the despicable man that currently resided at the Institute into a pit of raveners with no weapons and watch as the demons devoured him. But instead, she had followed Clave instructions and provided him with shelter at the Institute, forcing her son to live with the man that had stolen her son's voice and innocence.

She was a coward. There was no other way to describe her actions. She remembered standing in the doorway, seeing the naked man towering over her terrified and exposed child. She remembered the fear etched on his innocent face and the pain in his soft whimpers. To this day and even after going through the Uprising, what she had seen that night was the most painful thing she had ever experienced. And yet, she had stood by while her husband sent him away without reporting him to the Council and now, she actively allowed the man back into Alec's home.

She dropped her head into her hands, trying to chase away the memories but all she saw was Alec's expressive blue eyes staring at her, accusingly, telling her that she had not protected her child.

A hand landed on her shoulder and she jerked up.

"Mom, are you all right?" asked her daughter, who was standing just behind her.

"You startled me."

"Sorry."

"I'm fine," she said, sweeping some hair behind her ear and forcing a smile on her face.

"Are you sure?"

Maryse sighed, knowing that the concern she was showing her would not exist if Isabelle knew what Manson had done to her brother and that her mother had done nothing and contented to do nothing.

If she knew, she would treat her as badly, if not worse than Jace was currently treating her. Jace refused to acknowledge her unless forced to in order to keep up pretense in front of Isabelle. He ignored her if they were in the same room and replied in short, curt responses if Maryse addressed him before leaving the room. Maryse was sure that her daughter was starting to notice.

"Have you seen Alec?" Maryse asked, ignoring Isabelle's question.

Isabelle frowned and shook her head. Maryse could see the instant worry that swept over her face when she mentioned her oldest brother. "I think he's in his room."

Maryse nodded, stood up and pulled out Alec's favorite mug.

xxx

Alec sat on his chair in his room, rubbing at the iratze hidden underneath his pants, feeling so utterly ashamed, it was all consuming. It had taken just under an hour to run home from Brooklyn and the ache in his thighs and calves from the fast and long run was not enough, like he hoped it would be. He thought about talking to Jace but he wasn't going to admit the things that were going on with him to his parabatai, no matter how much he already knew. He didn't know his deepest secret. He didn't know that what Manson did to Alec for so many months was Alec's fault. If only he could have normal thoughts and feelings, Manson would have left him alone.

So instead of talking, he had found another razor and while the familiar action gave him relief in the moment, afterwards he only felt more ashamed and weak then ever before.

xxx

Magnus was feeling particularly crabby in the morning. Not only had he gotten very little sleep but when he went to go check on Alec, he was gone, leaving behind only a note on top of the neatly folded clothes he had borrowed. The note simply said that he needed to get back to the Institute and ended with a thank you for last night.

Magnus groaned, crumpling the paper and tossing it into the trash bin. The least the Nephilim could have done was say goodbye in person. More than his annoyance, he was worried. He wasn't able to give him a dreamless sleep last night, as he was being cautious of overusing magic on the fragile teenager's mind and he wondered what nightmares he had and if that somehow resulted in him ducking out so early.

He noticed that things had been moved around in the bathroom drawers and could only come to one conclusion. Alec had been looking for something. Probably looking for something sharp.

Chairman Meow brushed passed him and Magnus looked down at the cat. "Damn it, Chairman, why do I care so much about this damned shadowhunter?"

The cat purred in response.

"No I don't want to just get in he pants," he mumbled.

Yes, the shadowhunter was gorgeous. He was also kind and when he wasn't sad, his smile and laughter was contagious. But he was also so terribly sad and scared and Magnus knew the last thing he would be doing with the younger man was getting into his pants.

He knew that there was more to Alec's sadness, self-destructive behavior and low self-worth than an inability to accept his sexuality. The internal struggle with sexuality could without a doubt result in these behaviors and feelings in the harsh, homophobic society Alec was a part of but it didn't seem to explain the way he reacted to simple, innocent touches or the intensity of the screams from his nightmares or his distrust in others or how he feared that Magus would hurt him.

It also didn't explain why he suddenly couldn't stay at the Institute even though nobody forced him out and why he suddenly felt safer at a downworlder's loft instead of his own home, despite all his trepidations.

xxx

Jace entered the kitchen and frowned when he saw Maryse at the coffee machine. Before he could turn around and leave, Izzy bounced off a stool and greeted Jace.

"So, did you finally get a hold of lover girl?" Izzy asked, teasingly.

Jace groaned and rolled his eyes. "I was talking to her last night."

Izzy smiled. "She knows how to play the game, I'll give her that."

"She's not playing any game," Jace said indignantly.

Izzy smirked. "That's what you think."

Maryse turned to face the two teenagers. "Jace, would you like some coffee."

Jace tensed and tried hard not to glare at the woman. "No," he said curtly.

Izzy frowned. "What is wrong with you?" she hissed quietly into his ear.

Just as he was about to answer, he saw Alec enter the kitchen. Alec paused, frozen in the doorway, looking at his family gathered in the room. It was obvious to Jace that the older teen was hoping for an empty kitchen.

"Oh Alec," Maryse said, trying to sound cheerful. "I was making you some coffee."

Izzy, ignoring Alec's hesitation, grabbed the boy by his upper arm and pulled him into the kitchen.

"Sit down brother and eat breakfast with us and stop being a stranger," she demanded.

Maryse looked on nervously and Jace just wanted to yell at her. She had no right to be nervous.

Before Alec could say anything, the noise of the elevator opening traveled into the room and all the occupants looked towards to doorway that led to the elevator. Alec's whole body tensed. If Manson walked into the kitchen at that moment, Jace wasn't sure if he could control himself.

"Jace! Alec! Izzy! Mom!" came a high-pitched excited voice before little feet scurried into the kitchen followed closely by Robert Lightwood.

The youngest Lightwood flung himself at Jace, who was the closest to the doorway. "Are you surprised?" he exclaimed happily as he is eyes darted from sibling to sibling. Izzy went to hug her dad before coming over to Max and ruffling his hair happily.

Jace wrapped his arms around the nine-year-old but his eyes were fixed on Alec.

Alec's face was turning red as he stood up and his whole body shook with what seemed like anger. Jace had never seen Alec look so angry. He had seen sadness, fear, pain, despair but rarely had he seen anger.

"What are you doing back?" asked Maryse, alarmed.

"We were no longer needed at Alicante and had to return," Robert explained.

Alec gripped the edge of the counter, his eyes swinging between Robert and Max.

Max frowned. "Alec, are you mad at me." He untangled himself from Jace and approached Alec.

Alec tried to smile and knelt down to hug Max. "Of course not, Max."

"Alec, what's wrong," Izzy said, who was also watching Alec carefully now. Alec released Max and he ran over to his mother.

Alec stared at his father in disbelief. "How could you bring Max here?"

A/N: Oh my, all I can say is shit is going to get real. Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! Thanks!