A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! I'm letting you know now that I will not let anything happen to Max! This is not meant to be a story of horrors for horrors sake. This is a story of Alec's journey from barely living to learning to be himself and love himself and accept himself. And Alec would never let anything happen to his baby brother!
Disclaimer: The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.
Warnings: Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.
Learning to Be
Chapter 12: Telling Izzy
The Lightwoods seemed to be staring at each other, Alec's question hanging in the air. "How could you bring Max here?"
Isabelle didn't understand what was going on. She looked at her older brother, trying desperately to understand what she was missing. Everyone in the room besides Max and herself did not seem confused and it infuriated her.
"Izzy, honey, can you take Max to his room?" her mother said softly.
Izzy turned to her mom angrily. "I will not! I want to know what the hell is going on. And Max can go up to his room without an escort."
"No!" Alec snapped. "Max can't go up alone."
"Why are you trying to get rid of me," Max said, his little eyes bouncing between his siblings and parents. "And I'm not a baby!"
The Lightwoods stood at a standstill, no one wanting to be the one to take Max upstairs but no one wanting to talk with him there.
Izzy noticed Alec's hands shaking. She walked towards him and grabbed his hand. "Alec, what's wrong? Please talk to me?"
Alec tried to pull his hand away but when she just held on tighter he looked at her, his blue eyes swimming with unshed tears.
"You didn't answer my question," he said, turning his attention to their dad. "How could you?"
Robert sighed, looking at his oldest son with a frown. "We couldn't stay longer at Alicante then required."
"Bullshit!" Jace yelled. Izzy snapped her eyes to the blonde, only to see anger radiating from her adoptive brother. "If you gave one fuck about your kids, you wouldn't give a shit about the damn Clave rules!"
Maryse instantly covered Max's ears. It was obvious she wanted to stay but she grabbed Max's hand and started ushering him out of the room.
"You'll stay with him the whole time?" Alec asked.
"Of course," their mother said, the little boy protesting as they disappeared up the stairs leading to his bedroom.
"Jace," Robert started, his voice low and serious.
"It's one thing not to care about what happens to me but Max?" Alec sounded utterly defeated.
"Max is four years younger than you were, Alec," he hissed. "And you're five years older than you were then."
"So?" Alec yelled. "Do you know what's going on in that mind? For all we know, age doesn't matter to him!"
"Alec, listen," his voice was getting slightly desperate.
Izzy couldn't figure out who they were talking about.
"You have no right," Jace yelled. "This is all your fault. All you had to do was send that bag of shit to the Council and he wouldn't be here right now."
Izzy stared at Jace. "Are you guys talking about Mr. Manson?"
She felt Alec flinch and she realized that she was still holding Alec's hand. Her mind started putting some pieces together. What had her dad said? "Max is four years younger than you were and you're five years older than you were then." So, they were talking about the time Alec was 13 years old. She would have been 11. That was when Manson was here the first time. He had stayed for about 9 months and left abruptly.
Her heart started pounding. That was also the same time that Alec had stopped speaking.
"Alec, what did he do to you?" she asked, desperately, fear gripping her heart.
"Listen, son," Robert repeated as he moved forward and reached out for Alec.
Alec jerked backwards. "Don't," he hissed. "Please, just leave me alone."
"I won't let anything happen to Max, I promise," he said before leaving the kitchen, defeated.
Alec's breathing was starting to get heavy and Izzy could hear his rapid heartbeat. She held him around the waist and led him to a chair. He grabbed for it desperately and collapsed into the chair as he tried to control his breathing.
Jace was soon by his side. "Hey, Alec, come on, just breathe slowly. Izzy, can you make him some tea?"
Izzy reluctantly left her brothers and rushed to the sink, grabbing a mug and tea bag from above the sink. By the time she brought the tea to Alec, his breathing was more regular and he attempted to give Izzy a soft smile as he took the tea. He sipped it slowly before looking up at his sister. "Thank you, Izzy."
Izzy grabbed a chair and dragged it in front of Alec. Jace was already seated beside him.
"Please Alec. Tell me what's going on."
Alec sighed, the tea swirling slightly within his shaking hands.
"Talk to her," Jace said.
"I...I don't know if I can."
"Yes you can."
"You tell her."
Izzy wanted to scream but remained patient.
"No, I think you need to talk about it and with me, you've never had to actually talk about it because I already knew."
So, Jace knew why Alec had stopped talking five years ago.
Izzy carefully took Alec's hands into her own and squeezed them gently. "Hey, Alec, you know you can tell me anything. I love you so much and it hurts to see you so sad and not know what to do." She felt tears gathering in the corners of her eyes but didn't pull her hands away to brush them aside.
Alec looked at her and Izzy felt nauseated to see such sorrow in his beautiful blue eyes.
"Okay," he said, softly. He bit his bottom lip.
Jace stood up. "I'm going to go see what Max is doing, okay. I'll be in his room."
"You don't have to leave," Alec said, almost desperately.
It was almost as if Jace didn't want Alec to depend of him to tell his story. Jace squeezed his shoulder. "You can do this, Alec. It's Izzy we're talking about."
Once Jace had left, Izzy squeezed Alec's hand again. "You trust me right."
Alec nodded.
"I love you so much," she repeated.
"I know, Izzy."
"Just start at the beginning."
"O-okay. Umm, so, you know when...when Manson came to stay with us."
Izzy nodded. "I was 11. You were 13."
"He...one night...he came into my room."
Tears had spilled over his cheeks and Izzy's heart was now racing.
"He came into my room and he..." Alec closed his eyes, forcing more tears to run down his face. "He put his hands under...he started t...touching me." Alec gasped and now he was squeezing Izzy's hand as if it was the only thing keeping him together.
Izzy could hear hear her own heartbeat blaring in her ears. She wanted to scream. This was not happening! This couldn't have happened. Tears escaped from her eyes as she found herself shaking her head.
"At first, he would sit on the side of my bed and put his hands...down my pajama pants but...then he started doing more."
He bit his bottom lip and opened his eyes. "Izzy?" He sounded scared.
Izzy felt like she couldn't talk but she had to know. "What do...what do you mean by more?"
"He...he touched me...sometimes with his hands, sometimes with his mouth and he forced me to..to do the same."
Izzy was crying now, soft sobs escaping passed her lips. She could feel the anger growing in the pit of her stomach. How could anyone do this to her sweet, innocent brother.
"But...he also...he...he...had sexual intercourse with me." He blurted the last five words out in a rush, as if the clinical words would mask the horror of what he was saying. He gasped, trying to get air into his lungs. His eyes were glazed over, like he couldn't really see her. "Every night," he said. "It hurt, Izzy. It hurt so much. I wanted to die."
Izzy's whole body was shaking now, the rage ready to explode. No one was allowed to hurt her brother and she wanted nothing more than to find Manson and...violent thoughts raced through her mind and she pushed them aside because right now, she had to be here with her brother.
"Izzy?"
"Alec," she said. She pulled her hands away from his and placed them gently at the sides of his face, brushing away tears.
"Do you hate me?"
Her heart skipped a beat. "I could never hate you, Alec. Why would you ever think that?"
He moved his head to the side, closing his eyes again. "It's my fault," he whispered.
Izzy gently moved his face back. "Look at me Alec." Her voice was shaky but she had to remain composed for her brother's sake and not show her anger.
Reluctantly, he opened his eyes.
"Why would you say that?" She had to know what he was thinking.
"I can't..."
"Yes you can. Alec, you can tell me anything."
"I was being punished." His voice was so soft, she could barely hear it. "M-maybe I deserved it."
She tried to keep the confusion from gracing her face. What could a 13-year-old boy think he was being punished for? How could he think that he deserved being raped? She sobbed involuntarily as she thought the word. Her brother had been raped. Her brother had been raped repeatedly as a child. This couldn't be happening.
"No," she said firmly. "Why would you even think that?"
"I can't tell you."
"Yes, yes you can."
He sobbed. "Because...he knew things."
"Who knew things? Manson?"
Alec nodded. "I...my thoughts..."
Suddenly, Isabelle knew exactly what he was thinking. Although Alec had never told her, she knew that he was struggling with his sexuality. She had seen the way he sometimes looked at Jace and how he was immediately consumed by self-hatred. She felt a pang of heartache, wondering how this trauma must have complicated his already confused thoughts and amplified his self-hatred.
"Alec, listen to me. I know that you may not be sexually attracted to girls."
Alec shook his head violently, dislodging her hands from his face. "No, no, no..."
She grabbed his hands. "Hey, Alec, it's okay if you're gay."
"No!" he hissed, pulling away from her and standing up abruptly. He wrapped his arms around himself protectively.
"Okay, okay," she said softly, standing up herself but being careful not to crowd his space. "It doesn't matter. I love you either way. And no matter what, he had no right, do you understand?" she said firmly.
He was still shaking his head, more slowly now, like all the energy was being drained from him. Izzy approached him and gently drew him into a hug. She could feel his heart beating against her.
"What he did to you is not because of your sexuality and your sexuality is not a result of what he did to you. You may not believe me now but I won't stop telling you that until you do."
She slowly drew away from the embrace so she could look at him.
"You were an innocent child. This is his fault, not yours. No matter what you think or anyone says, you did not deserve this. This was not your fault."
Alec just stared at a spot above her shoulder, that glazed look in his eyes again.
"I know that this was hard for you to tell me." She was rubbing the back of his hand with her thumb. Her head pounded...like she was in so much shock and couldn't fully process everything she had learned. It was like thousands of memories of Alec were flooding back to her within a totally new context. Suddenly, things made sense and it was the kind of sense that was so horrifying it was hard to comprehend. Sadness and anger and hate swirled in her heart and she pushed them aside, trying to show only her love.
When she was alone, she knew that she was going to fall apart or explode. Questions swirled around in her mind. She wondered how Jace knew if Alec hadn't told him. She wondered how her parents could let that man back in their home if they knew what that man had done to their son and she wondered if she would be able to control her anger around Manson. She felt her unoccupied hand curl into a fist by her side. She didn't know if she wanted to control her anger.
A/N: And Izzy knows! And with Max here, Alec is not going to stay quiet! He will do anything to protect Max!
Things will start to move quickly now. I think that an important part to Alec's journey and recovery is Izzy knowing because unlike Jace, she knows things that Jace doesn't and that Alec cannot talk to him about right now. Izzy is going to be relentless about making him let go of the self-hatred and building up his self-worth and strength that will allow him to confront his parents and Manson and be more open with Magnus.
Coming up, Max and Alec time. Izzy is on a warpath but talks to Jace first. And what is Magnus doing? Please let me know what you think!