Chapter 31: Dreams of Beginnings

She's in Haven, and the Breach is back in the sky, a vortex of shattering green. The snow is falling gently. Tents are set up in a ragged line along the front of the Chantry walls, and the Inquisition sign has been freshly nailed to the front door. Back to the beginning. Somehow she misses it, like no matter how awful it all was she would go back and do it all over again, just for the beautiful, terrible sense of purpose.

"You were so innocent when you came to us," his voice says. "Fumbling through everything, cursing up a storm, trying to be so brave when you couldn't even hold a staff to your back. Look how far you've come, what you've done. You should be proud."

She turns to him. "I am."

"Yet you're sad."

"I can be both."

"Hm."

She studies him. He's in the same robes he always wears in the Fade, only now they seem even more regal, softer, the colors richer. His eyes are radiant. "Where did you go?"

"An important task had to be done." He holds her gaze. "I told you I would return."

She holds his real name on her tongue. "Solas…"

A smile quirks the corner of his mouth. "You know my name now, and yet you continue to call me that?"

"So it's true?" She's almost hopeful he will say no, that's it's all been a big misunderstanding.

"Would you like a pretty lie?"

She exhales softly. "No."

"Then you know the answer."

She draws closer to him and he watches her, very still, like any sudden movement might spook her. "What do you want me to call you?" she asks, her boots silent in the snow, and it's only now that she realizes she's human in the Fade with him for the first time, in her usual daytime gear, her hair pulled back, the way she would envision herself. "You're Fen'Harel but you're Solas too, aren't you? You're Pride."

He laughs a little at that. "I am, aren't I." They're close enough to touch, now. His gaze is warm. "You may still call me Solas. I became fond of the name." A pause. "You're less… violent than I thought you'd be."

If this was the past and he was just Solas, she would have thwacked him on the arm for that. Instead she just huffs. "I don't react to everything with violence, you know!"

"You're correct. Only most things."

She bites the inside of her mouth to keep from smiling. "I've had a while to work it through in my head. Actually, I feel pretty stupid for not figuring it out sooner. Maybe not that you were this exact god, but that you were A God. You sure talked about immortality a lot for a hobo apostate."

"Ah, well," he says, "with you I could be more of myself than with anyone. We each had our secrets, though now they are laid bare."

She shivers as the wind picks up. It's cold here, like the real Haven would be, if it wasn't buried under an avalanche. "So that's it, then? That's what you wanted?"

"What do you think I wanted?"

"Your tombstone, in the Fade. It said 'Dying Alone.' You wouldn't have to with me, if I were a spirit. Immortal, kin to Gods, you said. You wanted me to be like you."

He steps closer, and she can feel his warmth. He burns brighter than ever before. "You are like me, though you refuse to see it." He tilts his head. "Or you see it and are too afraid to acknowledge it."

She looks away from him, and bites her lip, thinking. "All roads lead to shitty destinations," she says softly.

He looks disheartened. "Am I so bad?" He seems to think about touching her shoulder but doesn't. "Do you believe Morrigan's whispers, the Dalish tales they tell themselves like children in the dark, afraid of the Wolf under their beds?"

She shakes her head. "No. I heard what you said in the Temple, what little you said. I searched out what I could in the Fade by myself. I don't know all the details but I know you're no brutal, mad, dread beast come to destroy your kin for no reason." He is looking at her oddly and she narrows her eyes. "What?"

"You even speak like one of us now. What three years does to a person. When you first came you had no lilt to your speech; you could not speak but for cursing or using a reference no one could understand. Now you sound… like me."

"Oh, don't sound so self congratulatory," she snaps. "It's not all you."

"It's a little me."

She smiles, for an instant, then it fades. "Everything was so uncomplicated in the beginning," she says in a mournful voice. "When it was just fighting to stay alive. Before I knew what I was. Believing I was mortal was wonderful." She looks at her hands. "I never guessed I would ever want to grow old."

He takes her cold hands in his very warm ones. "It's overrated," he says quietly.

Errol looks up at him, at his eyes that are both familiar and alien, calming and too-bright. "Why are you here?"

"I made a promise to you. I am here to make good on that promise."

"A promise?"

"I cannot send you home," he says, and she gasps a little, but he doesn't let go of her hands. "Not that I think you would go now if you could return. But you asked — you wanted a way to say goodbye. I can give you that."

"You can?" she breathes. It seems too good to be true. She frowns and her voice flattens. "It seems too good to be true."

He laughs and drops her hands. "Another remnant of three years spent with me by your side - a healthily cultivated sense of suspicion. But I assure you, I speak the truth. I've found one final crack in the Fade, a small break between realities that I could use to send just a piece of you through for a few minutes, long enough to say your goodbyes. Once you returned I would seal it, and all paths to your world will be gone." When she doesn't answer his voice drops. "I have done you great wrongs in these past years, Errol Kerr. Let me do this for you. Let me give you this one thing."

All paths, he said. Errol chews on her lip. He doesn't know, then, about the Eluvian, and for some reason that comforts her. There is at least one thing that she knows that he doesn't.

"Okay," she says. "How do we do this?"

"Wake immediately," he says. "It will be just past midnight. Leave Skyhold and head East. Let no one see you. I will meet you. This won't take long; you will return before morning."

"I have to go now? Alone? Just like that?"

"And what would you tell them, Inquisitor?" he asks, using her title almost scornfully. "That you must leave to meet with the Dread Wolf because you are a spirit and only he can send a piece of you home to where your true body lies?"

"…you have a point."

"I always do." She rolls her eyes and makes a mocking gesture in his direction. He sniffs. "I'll pretend I didn't see that." He straightens his shoulders. "Go, Inquisitor, or the sun will steal away your chance. Wake. It's time."

Errol awoke suddenly, her eyes flying open in the darkness. Cullen was sound asleep, his arm across her stomach. She laid there for a few moments, heart beating fast, and assessed the situation.

Was she really going to do this? Sneak out like a thief in the night to meet with the lying elven god who had abandoned them months ago? Trust him to really send only a piece of her home to see her family? Trust that his intentions were pure? She remembered the last time she had seen him, after the final battle, when he pressed a kiss to her bloody lips. What was his plan? Would he lock her away in her homeworld, never to return here? No, what good would that do him? She was no threat to him, she never had been. If anything, he was a threat to her - being a god, he could likely just kill her if he so desired, which he didn't or he would have, a hundred times over. Instead he had pursued her like a wolf stalking prey, until the end, when he had given up and become gentle again in the face of their impending deaths. Maybe he did merely mean to make up for his betrayal. Maybe he wanted to give her this. Was she willing to take that risk?

She thought of her family, waiting for an answer after all of these years. Three years and they still hadn't taken her off of life support. Three years of waiting, hoping. How could she let them think she was just wasting away? How could she be that cruel to them? If she could offer them some hope, some solace, she had to take that chance. She loved them more than anything and she had abandoned them the moment she decided to never return. They mourned a girl who was not dead. It wasn't right. It wasn't fair. It was cruel and selfish and she couldn't live with herself knowing that she had the chance to give them peace and didn't take it.

Carefully, Errol eased herself out of Cullen's grip and slid from the bed. She dressed quickly and quietly, strapping an emergency pack to her back.

Errol pressed a soft kiss to the shell of his ear. "I'll be back soon." She closed her eyes, breathing in his scent. "I love you."

She left then, staff in hand, and made herself not look back.

Skyhold was silent at that time of night. Errol cast a small invisibility spell so that the night guards wouldn't notice her as she crept through the shadows of the Great Hall and then slipped outside and headed down toward the small door next to the locked and guarded gate. Once she was safely out of Skyhold she breathed a sigh of relief, but even before she lifted the invisibility spell a hand touched her shoulder.

"I'm coming with you."

She spun around to see Cole standing there, his traveling clothing black as night. She grabbed his wrist and dragged him with her as she spoke so the tower's guards wouldn't see him.

"No, you're not," she hissed. "You're going to sneak back inside the moment I'm out of sight."

"I know what you're going to do," he said. "I can see into thoughts, into dreams. I'm not human yet. This is dangerous. You shouldn't go, but I feel the pain. The waiting, wondering, whispering, wailing, the guilt piling up, have I left them there with my corpse at their feet?"

"Cole—"

"I'm coming," he said again, firmly. "You can't trust him, not anymore. I saw inside your head, I know what he is now. The Wolf, the Betrayer. He hungers for you. He wants to swallow you whole. I won't let him."

Errol hesitated, then nodded. It would be good to have someone that she trusted watching out for her. She dropped his wrist. "Okay, Cole. Thank you."

He fell into step next to her. "I still think you shouldn't go. They won't understand. It won't help their pain. Their pain will never be healed, unless you are with them again."

"I know," she said, sighing softly. "But they're my family. I have to try. I've put them through so much. Maybe it's selfish - maybe it's more about healing my pain."

"That's never selfish," he said.

She merely took his hand. "Hold tight, I'm going to Fade-step now. We'll be there in a moment."

He twined his fingers in hers. "I won't let you go."

His words, as always, reassured her. "I know. Thank you."

Errol took a deep breath, and a moment later the place where they stood was empty, only the faint movement of the grass and the spark of magic in the air marking that they were ever there at all.

Cullen woke suddenly and with the urgent feeling that something was wrong. Instinctively he reached for Errol's side of the bed, only to find it cold. He was up in an instant and lighting a candle, and moments later he was struggling into pants and a loose shirt and racing down the stairs toward Cassandra's room.

The Seeker opened the door after one long minute of pounding, her eyes bleary. "By the Maker, Cullen, what is the matter? Are we under attack?"

"Errol is gone," he said, and she immediately looked more alert.

"You are sure of this?"

"Her armor, staff, and emergency pack are gone. She was there when we went to sleep. There is no reason to— Cassandra, we can check with the guards but I know her abilities, if she wanted to leave she would not be spotted. For some reason she has managed to leave Skyhold in the middle of the night, alone."

"This does not bode well," Cassandra agreed. "Wake Varric and Dorian — Dorian should know her magic well enough to track her. We'll leave as soon as possible." She surveyed him. "Armor as well, Commander."

Cullen was too focused to even blush at her comment. He just nodded and turned on his heel, a hundred questions running through his head, the foremost ones so loud they nearly drowned the others out.

Why would she leave him in the middle of the night, and where was she going?

Now that she saw him up close, Errol knew he was definitely not the same Solas she had seen three months ago.

His power was not only greater, but different. The song was not the same, and neither was the scent; it rolled off of him in waves, mixed and blended, the chorus heady and intoxicating but all wrong.

"Solas," she breathed, dropping Cole's hand and stepping forward into the forest clearing. "What have you done?"

He narrowed his eyes at Cole and then dismissed him, focusing fully on Errol. "Nothing of import. I believe I told you to come alone."

"He wanted to help."

"His endless tune."

Errol frowned. "What have you done?" she repeated, and started to reach out, then changed her mind, her hand falling to her side. Solas watched the motion with something akin to disappointment on his face.

"I would have told you, if you were standing by my side as an equal. I would share my secrets with that Errol, shining and strong. But you've made your choice, and now I must make mine. I cannot tell you all when you might use that against me, when you'd go running off to spill everything I say to the Inquisition."

She cocked her head. "Could I do that? I couldn't even speak your name before."

"Little magics that won't hold forever, and won't hold for much. A name, a location… that's all." He approached her slowly, as if expecting her to back away. She didn't, and he bent his head so that his breath ghosted over her ear. "You deny me and still desire all of my secrets. You can't have everything."

Errol felt a pang of something in her stomach. She wasn't sure what it was. Anxiety? Nerves? It couldn't be regret. It was too late for that. "I suppose I can't," she said softly. "What do I do now?"

It seemed an open question, like she was asking him for everything: What do I do now that Corypheus is gone? What do I do now that life goes on? What do I do now that you're gone? What do I do now that I'm an unaging spirit among humans? What do I do now without a purpose?

He simply straightened, put his hands behind his back, and said: "Lie down and close your eyes, as if you were going to sleep. Clear your mind. Think of nothing. Be still. There will be pain, and for that I apologize."

Errol hesitated, then slowly lowered herself and settled down in the soft ferns. "Pain? Why?"

"I can only send a small piece of you - if I send all of you I'll risk you becoming trapped in that body permanently. Only a fraction of your self, your consciousness, just enough for a few moments to say goodbye." He paused. "I warn you, there might be a price, just as there was with the Well, just as there always is when tampering with unknown magics. I don't know how this will affect your soul. Hopefully not at all. But you deserve the warning. Nothing is without its dangers."

Errol nodded and tried to slow her breathing, but her heart was beating erratically again. He crouched over her, his familiar face simultaneously soothing and frightening. "Shhh," he said, stroking her hair. "It will be over soon. I am doing this for you. You do not have to fear me, Errol. You never have before. You know I would not hurt you."

She looked into his blue eyes and slowly nodded, feeling her heart rate slow. She knew that. He was still Solas. Fucked up and a god, but still Solas. He'd saved her too many times to kill her now.

He rested his hand on her forehead. "Close your eyes," he instructed her, and she did so. Cole prowled restless on the edge of her consciousness, and his presence calmed her.

"Good," Solas crooned. "Very good. Now, be still."

She felt him reach out with his magic, that strange blended magic that felt like smoke and earth and wolf, and then felt the small shattered crack in the Fade, green and glowing, and the pulling pulling pulling, pullingpullingpulling, and the break—

Pain seared through her very soul as a piece of her snapped away and went spiraling through the crack, through the tiniest breach and back to a human body.

Unbeknownst to Errol, the Wolf followed just behind.