A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews. Here is some processing for the siblings before things move forward.

Disclaimer: The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Warnings: Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

Learning to Be

Chapter 13: Siblings

Alec followed his sister up the stairs. She was holding his hand as if she would lose him if she let go. Alec felt like he was in shock. For so long he held his secrets close to his heart, never revealing them to anyone. Sure, people knew his secrets. His mom, dad, Jace and if he remembered, Max, knew about Mr. Manson and Magnus knew about the razor but only because they stumbled across them. Alec never gave away his secrets willingly until now.

The thought always terrified him but talking to Izzy was like unloading a burden he didn't know he was carrying. For so long, Izzy was the one person who didn't know that he was disgusting and damaged. She was the one person who hadn't seen him in such a horrifically compromising position. And for so long he had cherished that. But it was obvious that despite not knowing, she had worried and sometimes handled him like he was made of glass without even realizing it. Izzy not knowing had just distanced them because unlike Jace, Izzy didn't have any context for his behavior.

Now Izzy knew more than Jace. His heart was pounding so loudly, it echoed in his ears. She had said that she didn't care if he was gay. He closed his eyes. He wasn't gay...he didn't want to be gay. He wanted to blend into the background, to go unnoticed and in the Shadow World, being attracted to men was not blending in. And despite what Izzy insisted he couldn't help but think that if he had blended in, Manson wouldn't have noticed him.

Izzy squeezed his hand as they reached the door. Without knocking, Izzy opened the door and Alec pulled his hand away, suddenly feeling silly. Max was sitting on his bed, legs crossed, a book open on his lap. Jace was sprawled in a chair nearby, seemingly deep in thought, his gaze directed towards the younger boy but his attention far away.

As the two Lightwoods entered the room, Jace and Max looked up. Alec immediately tried smiling at his youngest brother but he couldn't quite get his lips to curl properly and he ended up giving him an apologetic half smile. "Hi buddy," Alec said, stepping into the room.

Max crossed his arms over his chest and looked at his brother suspiciously. From the corner of his eye he could see his sister motioning to Jace.

"Hey, Alec, we'll be right back," Jace said, getting up.

Alec knew that they were going to step outside and talk about him but he didn't have the energy to care at the moment. He nodded absently and made his way to Max's bed. He kicked off his shoes and scooted into the bed. Max shuffled to the side so that both boys were seated on the bed, their backs leaning against the headboard and their legs stretched out in front of them.

xxxxx

Izzy shut the door to the adjacent room and quickly drew a silencing rune against the doorframe before spinning around to glare at Jace.

"All this time you knew!" she yelled, moving forward and shoving him angrily.

"Izzy, listen..."

"Listen? You want me to listen now? Fuck, Jace!" Her eyes were red and puffy but the tears were relentless. She wiped them aside angrily. "For years, I've watched my brother fade away and you never said anything!"

"And knowing would make a difference?" Jace said, angrily. "I've known all this time and you think seeing him like this is easier because I knew?"

"YES! It would have made a difference! I wouldn't let him spiral out of control...deeper and deeper into this depression."

Jace's face went red. "What do you think I've been doing? Just sitting back and enjoying the fucking ride? You think I haven't tried?"

Izzy tried to calm down. She knew that Jace didn't know that Alec blamed himself or if he did, why he blamed himself. By the angel, he thought he deserved it.

"How? How did you know?"

Jace sighed, running his hand through his shaggy locks. "Max, he had a nightmare."

"Max?" What did Max have to do with this?

"Four years ago, Max was almost five. He had a nightmare and he went to Alec's room."

Izzy stared at him horrified.

"He saw...he saw Manson hurting Alec..."

"What?" Izzy said in disbelief. This was only getting worse.

"He got Maryse and Robert. I heard the commotion of them rushing to Alec's room and followed them. I...I was so angry, Izzy. I just charged forward and shoved him off of Alec. Alec was catatonic. There was blood and...and other stuff everywhere...on him...on the bed sheets."

Izzy felt sick. "What did mom and dad do?"

Jace looked at Izzy angrily. "Maryse stayed with Alec. Robert made us leave the room and we watched as he dragged Manson out of the room and down the stairs."

"But they didn't report him." It was more of a statement than a question.

Jace shook his head anyway.

Izzy slammed her fist against the wall. "I'm going to fucking rip his balls off with my bare hands and shove them down his throat."

xxxxxx

Max glared at the door angrily, his arms still crossed over his chest. He had been so excited to come home. He had missed his mom and his siblings and he had so much to talk about. But the moment he arrived, it just seemed like everyone wanted him gone, especially Alec.

"Why don't you want me here?" he finally asked. "Don't you like me?" His voice sounded more vulnerable than he wanted it to. He hated sounding young. He hated being the youngest in the family.

"I love you, Max. So much."

"Then why were you upset that I was here?" he asked stubbornly. Max frowned and looked at his brother. Only then did he notice how red and puffy his eyes were.

Alec sighed. He didn't speak for a while and Max wondered why he was so sad. Well, his brother was always sad...it was like a constant state for him a lot of the time but he was extra sad at the moment.

"Alec?"

"It's not safe here right now, that's why," he finally said.

"That doesn't make any sense. Why wouldn't it be safe? And if it's not, how come you and Izzy and Jace and mom are here?"

Alec smiled ruefully. "You've always been so logical."

"But why Alec? Home is safe."

Alec laughed harshly and Max looked at him alarmed.

"Home isn't always safe, Max."

"Okay," Max said, still confused. "Why isn't it safe?"

Alec bit his bottom lip. "There's a man staying with us right now and...and he isn't a good man, Max. And I don't want him to hurt you. I won't let him hurt you."

"Why would a bad man be staying with us?"

"Because he's a shadowhunter and it's our duty to provide shelter to traveling shadowhunters."

"Even bad shadowhunters?" Max asked.

Alec closed his eyes. "Not everyone knows he's bad."

Max was just feeling more confused.

"Who is he? What's his name?"

Alec tilted his head back and looked at the ceiling. "It doesn't really matter who he is, Max."

Max narrowed his eyes. "Do I know him?"

Alec was clawing at his knees with his fingers. He drew them in, wrapping his arms around his legs and rested his chin on the top of his knees, deep in thought. Max frowned again, watching his older brother carefully, his mind feeling a sense of deja vu. An image flashed in his mind of a younger Alec in a similar position, with a terrified, glossy look in his eyes.

He turned to look at Max. "You may have been too young to remember him."

Max shook his head. A bad man living at the Institute...it felt so familiar. "Sometimes I have nightmares about a bad man," he said, thinking hard. Usually he didn't put a lot of effort into remembering his dreams.

"You do?" Alec asked, sounding startled.

Max's lower lip started quivering. "He's hurting you."

"In your nightmares?"

Max nodded.

"You never told me."

"I...sometimes I go to Jace's room if it's really scary."

Alec frowned and leaned his head back, regret written all over his face. "I'm so sorry Max."

Max didn't understand why Alec was sorry. It wasn't his fault. "What's his name?"

"Benedict Manson." The way Alec said the name, it was like something painful on his tongue.

Max could instantly put a face to the name. He was a bad man. The kind of bad man that hurt his brother. Max remembered that night. Sometimes it showed up in his nightmares and sometimes he got flashes...maybe a sound or a smell or an imagine and it was all so horrible. But he never once talked to Alec about it.

Suddenly, he flung himself at his brother, leaning into him and burying his face in his chest and wrapping his arms around his midsection. Alec made a startled sound but after recovering, he wrapped his arms around the boy and drew him closer.

"I was so scared."

"I know, Max," Alec said, pressing a kiss into his hair. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"I don't like it when you're sad."

Alec didn't say anything so Max pulled his head back and looked up at his brother.

"I want to get better, Max."

"Can I help?"

Alec smiled. Not a beaming smile but a small, genuine one. "You saved me, Max." His voice was so serious. "You may not realize it, but you saved me."

xxxxxx

Even as Isabelle yelled, Jace felt a sense of relief knowing that he wasn't alone anymore. For so long he felt like he watched Alec spiral deeper and deeper into a state of despair and nobody else paid attention or knew why. The adults in the Institute were always too preoccupied to truly pay attention to what was happening to their children, Max was too young and Izzy was in the dark.

So many times, he wanted to just spill everything to Izzy but he wouldn't betray Alec's trust. Alec, from a young age, had no say in what was happening to him and Jace never wanted to take away Alec's control, including his control over his secrets.

"Just yesterday, I gave him directions on how to get to the subway. I feel sick." Izzy seemed to be oscillating between thoughts of violence, sadness and nausea.

"I beat the crap out of him early yesterday morning. I...I couldn't stay away," Jace said. "But it didn't feel like enough."

Izzy ran her hand through her hair and sighed, brushing away more tears. "For so long, I've felt so helpless, first with the silence and then the way he distanced himself from everyone. Fuck! I'm going to find that bastard right now."

Jace grabbed her arm. "And do what?"

Izzy looked at Jace with disbelief. "Do what?" she said angrily. "I have lots of ideas. Maybe too disturbing for your delicate male ears."

Jace sighed. While he had years to process what had started five years ago, Izzy only had minutes. And even with those years, he was still unable to control himself with the sick pervert back at the Institute. He knew that he had to keep Izzy away from Manson...give her some time to process before she did something that would get her locked up while Alec was left feeling guilty for his sister's actions.

Jace was surprised at his own self-control, considering the many vicious fantasies he had about destroying Manson. "I get it, Izzy. You know I do but right now, Alec needs us. He's with Max, probably terrified for our little brother and I don't want to leave him alone with that responsibility."

Izzy tried to relax her tense body but failed. She curled and uncurled her fingers but nodded reluctantly. "Let's go see what they're doing."

A/N: Let me know what you think!