May, 6th 2014

I don't own any of the characters, CW and Eric Kripke do!

Beta for this Chapter: Ashqtara

A/N: Hey there my loyal readers :)

Aww man, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to not upload that long. But semester started, then Easter came up and my Birthday and I kinda got sucked up in all the art I'm drawing (every day lol) and a semi-writers block along the way. Meh. Sorry, really. Please don't hate me ._.

So yeah, new Chapter! I hope you like it, this one even has a happy twist :3. Well, later...on. hehe xP

OH! Yeah. This chapter, with the beginning, the Fic goes full circle. The beginning of this one and the very first are almost the same and that's fully intentional *grins*

High Serpent King: You are very right there ^^. Don't worry :3

Falchion: I...yeah. Just wait XDD.

wildanimelover: Don't worry! It's spn, there's always hope :D

Ky111: Yep ^^"

Eclipse Wing: Pffffffffffff, Romance. I mean, there's gonna bet some, yeah. But this is supernatural...how can Romance really be the focus? :D There's a light at the end of the tunnel, don't worry *pat*

00-night-eyes-00 : THANK YOU! HERE YOU ARE ;D

Now please enjoy :3

Chapter 20

All that we've amassed
Sits before us, shattered into ash

His shaking hands unfolded the piece of paper from inside the envelope. Dean's unusually careful handwriting on the letter alone was giving him a stab in the heart.

Sam.

Finding it in the trunk, put away after the whole Michael thing seemed out of the window was bad enough. Deciding to open it was a whole different story. It was a goodbye letter Dean was never supposed to have to write. It represented everything the younger brother didn't want to think about right now, yet he couldn't help but want to read it.

After his little breakdown in the front seat, he had decided he had to do something. A sudden drive that giving up was useless, that there had to be something he could do at least. It didn't help the matter that Lucifer seemed to overpower Michael's barrier now, that he had been able to whisper into Sam's head just minutes before. Just one sentence, really, but it was what jolted him from the trusted leather seat and onto the pavement, wanting to stab the former angel in the face so badly he felt like kicking something since he couldn't very well reach Lucifer (and preferred to be far away from him anyway).

I told you, Sam.

That was all. Just the 'I told you so' from the devil. But it had so much meaning hidden behind it that the hunter wanted to throw up. It told him 'you can't win. Michael isn't stronger than me, see? I beat him. Come to me. I can give you power. Maybe even cure him if I'm generous. Isn't that great? I can give you what I want, you just have to say yessss…'

No. No more of this crap, he wasn't having it.

So he walked into the room again, stopped when he saw the sight before him.

The first thing standing out was Adam, sitting in the unoccupied bed, Michael's book spread out in front of him while he was leaning over it, cross legged, looking like a very concentrated college kid that tried to decipher ancient Greek. Maybe that comparison wasn't even that farfetched, really.

Bobby sat next to him, but he wasn't facing the book. A bottle of cheap whiskey sat in his hand and Sam could only guess who or where he got that from. The seasoned hunter was facing Michael on the other bed but his gaze wasn't really on him, more like far away, in thought. He looked up when he saw Sam coming in, his eyes watery but whipping them oh-so descretly.

"I tried calling some contacts…so many dead or unreachable. Guess they knew where we were hiding all along, huh? Bastards…" he took another sip of the whiskey and shook his head, gaze averting from Sam's own tear-filled eyes.

"Lucifer's in a hurry, as it seems. Now that his biggest…obstacle is out of the way he wants to get the job done fast. We're lucky we're pretty much in the middle of nowhere." The statement sounded from over by the window. Castiel 's face was in the shadows, only his silhouette visible from the light streaming in through the smeary glass. His voice didn't give away any emotion to pinpoint but that wasn't really news with Cas, if Sam was being honest.

He heard a rustle and turned around to see what it was. Abby came over from the bathroom, saw him and stopped in her motions for a second. Her lip quivered for a moment, her forehead crunched into worried folds and finally, she moved again and Sam found her arms around him a few blinks later. All her strength went into the embrace and it was then again that Sam noticed how much that actually was.

It was also then that his gaze finally found its way to the point in the room he had pointedly tried to avoid…

The bed with Dean on it, the blood, the hole in his chest that was now almost the size of a fist. And he didn't even realize it was his sob that sounded through the room until he found his face buried into Abby's shoulder and his arms squeezing her tightly against his firm body.

The understanding between the two of them was silent. Neither of them talked but they took comfort in one another. Gabriel glanced up from his blank stare to look at the two of them, then back at Michael. He hadn't said a word since Sam entered the room but the younger Winchester didn't really expect him too. He looked just as stricken and broken as Sam felt. The hunter tried to imagine having known your brother for not only your whole human life but the life of an angel…eternal, millennia of each other, loving, fighting, playing, guarding, whatever else angels did all day. And then losing him over a fight with that other sibling, the one both of you thought loved you just as much but it turned out he didn't, it turned out he stood against everything you stood for. What would that feel like?

Sam returned Gabriel's gaze for a short second. They glanced away at the same time, not being able to see their mirrored sorrow staring back at them. The hunter breathed in deeply, taking in every piece of Abby's scent he could absorb, trying to calm himself with the comfort the aroma of her shampoo seemed to bring him. Finally, after another few minutes of silence, he talked.

"Lucifer broke through the barrier." He whispered, not even sure if anybody was listening. But the gazed in the room shifted to him, curious, worried, shocked. Abby shifted but she didn't let go of him, for which Sam was glad. After all, her support was needed more than he had thought, just for him to remain upright.

"He…he basically threw me an I-told-you-so and then disappeared again. I…" but he didn't know how to continue, how to fathom into words weather he was angry or upset or broken about that comment.

There were a few nods around the room, Bobby took another swing and Abby squeezed him tighter, Sam thought he heard an 'oh god, I'm so sorry.' From her. God? Yeah, a lot of help he was, huh?

The most violate reaction came, surprisingly, from Gabriel.

Suddenly, he was on his feet, fists clenched, teeth pressed together so hard he could probably crush anything you put between them.

"This fucking bastard. That's it." He breathed in through the nose heavily, as if that much control took actual effort. "I'm not taking this anymore. He's going down. He's paying. You just wait." He took a few steps in Sam's direction, pointing at him, then looking at his brother on the bed, face screwed up in unfathomable pain.

As if on cue, Dean whimpered, then gave a half scream. Gabriel was even more infuriated. Abby turned her head, her arms still around the younger Winchester but her eyebrows raised in wonder. The room began to shake and Sam swallowed.

"Gab-" Castiel tried to calm his brother but it was no use. Gabriel shut him up with one glare.

"NO! I'm not just taking this. I'm an archangel, too. I'm not going to stand by and watch my brother, who's going Darth Vader on the world, take down everything our father worked for, everything he created…" the archangel pursed his lips, blew out his breath. He glanced around one more time, finally stared Sam right in his hazel eyes.

"Wish me luck."

And just like that, he was gone.

Castiel stood by the window, stock still as if somebody froze him. Maybe Gabriel even did. Sam didn't really know how to react to this. Gabriel was either being braver than all of them….or suicidal. Maybe even both.

Suddenly, he felt himself letting go of Abby and storming outside, not being able to take in the newly started screams and whimpers that came from his brother on the bed. Now even Gabriel was gone. Who knew if he already found Lucifer or was still looking. Or doing something else entirely. Like drinking himself to oblivion for example.

"Sam? Sam, wait." Abby whispered, like she didn't dare raise her voice in the already deadly quiet room. She spared one last glance at Dean, her brow furrowed in worry and then walked out behind the younger Winchester, sighing deeply. By the time she found her way outside, Sam was rummaging through the trunk of their car as if searching for something without really consciously looking. The huntress sighed again and just reached him, opening her lips to speak, when he suddenly froze in his movements, eyes wide.

"Sam, I don't think this is-"

"Oh my god." Sam whispered. His hands were shaking as he reached for something in the trunk. Abby frowned, her brown eyes searching for whatever he was talking about. The small space was filled with a few blankets, duffel bags and other useless junk. Of all the things in there, Sam reached for a white, slightly crumbled envelope that looked like it had been buried underneath all the other stuff, forgotten about even. His breathing had gotten heavier and Abby's eyes finally widened as she saw what was written on it.

Sam.

Nothing more, just that one word.

"What is it, who is it from?" she asked, her curiosity winning over the sensitivity for the situation.

Sam didn't look up, his eyes caught on the envelope in his right hand.

"It…it's from Dean. He wrote it when he thought he was gonna take in Michael and that was going to be his last chance to ever speak to me. I never…" his voice dropped to a whisper. "I never even read it, thinking I'd just throw it away after all of this was over and he was back with me…"

There was a small silence in between them and Abby looked at him, studied the letter while Sam just stared.

"Do you want to read it?", she asked, curious but also caring, considerate. Personally, she would have given everything in the world to have a few last words from her parents, sending their love or just explaining everything in general. But she had lost them unexpectedly, without warning or time for a peptalk. Dean on the other hand…he was still suffering in there and Abby was sure it was hard on Sam to even admit It was going to happen. The dying part, that is. The younger Winchester took a while to answer but finally, he nodded.

"I…well yeah, maybe I should." He finally decided, neck held up a little higher as if to convince himself. From inside the Motel, another mortifying scream of pain sounded. Abby wondered why Dean started the screaming only now, after being in pain for such a period of time. Maybe it had begun to be unbearing, a torture, the final struggles…she lowered her gaze.

"Alright. I'll be just around the corner." She reassured Sam, not wanting to invade this private moment but also not very driven to leave him completely alone or get back into that room, where all the suffering was just too dominant to ignore. So she chose the vending machine near the admissions desk, maybe she could even find out where the hell the archangel had landed them here. Were they even protected, now that he had gone off to fight Lucifer on his own? Well, it probably didn't matter. If everything went down as she assumed, they'd all die anyway. And she planned on going down fighting. So a nice, big, sugar-filled and wrapped candy bar couldn't hurt.

Lucky for her, the vending machine still had some left and she got out a few dollars to pay for her treat. It was just when she was about to consider a second one that she heard a crash from the direction of the car. It was the only one in the parking lot right now so Abby had no doubt the noise came from Sam…or an attacker.

So she hurriedly stored away her food and ran over, hands at the back of her jeans, ready to pull the gun stored there. But when she rounded the corner to the Impala, all there was was Sam, his feet on the floor, bottom in the trunk, hunched over and some object on the floor he apparently smashed down. Abby didn't really care, her brown eyes were only on the hunched over Winchester and soon, her hands were too, stroking his neck and feeling the silent sobs on his cheeks as she pulled him to her chest, winding her legs between his to stand before him. He didn't say anything, just shivered and after a few seconds of realization, hugged her to him so tightly, she actually had difficulty breathing.

The letter lay next to him, Abby saw it over Sam's broad shoulders. She wasn't sure if it was wise to look at it, to read it, since it was really personal and all. But the huntress really couldn't stop glancing. These two brothers had gotten to her on a level she never would have guessed. Their bond was unusually tight and unlike anything Abby had seen before. And even though they fought a lot and even though they both make mistakes, they stand together through all of this, or try to. So her curiosity regarding these few lines of text maybe wasn't that far fetched. She had begun to deeply care for both of them, but especially Sam. It was impossible not to want to find out what caused him of all people to show weakness this openly to her.

With a final breath of telling herself it was okay, her brown eyes flew over the paper.

Dear Sam,

Okay, that sounded stupid. But I'm not rewriting it. It's what you write in letter openings, right? Does that apply for suicide notes? Whatever.

Well, it's not really suicide. Or that's what I'm telling myself. You didn't know it but while you were unconscious back with Mom and Dad, Michael promised me he wouldn't harm my body like other angels do to their vessels. So I have higher hopes than I would normally have of actually getting out of this. Please, don't grieve; I'm not gone, just being ridden around like a fucking motorbike. Whatever he says to you in my body, if it's bad, don't take it seriously. And if it's nice, he's probably lying. I don't know him but he seemed pretty douchy back then. You probably shouldn't trust him. Stick with Cas and Bobby, they're the only trustworthy people left out there.

So you probably want to know why, right? That was always your most favorite question. Hell, after my name and 'daddy', that was most likely your first word.

No, this is not about the lives It will save. It is, partly. But most of it has another reason. One that sits so much more closer to my heart. (okay, that sounded gay)

You.

Now don't just go to the 'It's all my fault!' phase. Hear me out. Or read me out.

Anyway, I didn't really tell you everything about why I wanted to meet up again after splitting up. See, Zachariah had proven to be much more of a douche than I thought and he zapped me to the future, 2014. If everything was left as it were, us two separated, me fighting the human fight with Cas etc. pp.

Turns out, Croatoan kickstarts the Apocalypse. We should've thought of that, it was weird how it just disappeared back then. But that wasn't the weird part. The strange thing was how future-me was camped out in a save camp, fighting a hopeless fight with a human (and high!) Cas, a few other people and freaking toiletpaper-hoarding Chuck. Cas told me the angels disappeared. Maybe Lucifer whipped them out or something, I didn't find out. But I never said yes to Michael. Never had the decency to just give in for the greater good, always fighting by myself, against all the bad things out there.

Of course, my first question to my future self (this was really messed up, okay?) was "Where's Sam in all this". And he just said "Haven't seen him in 5 years.", which was the first shocker. Can you imagine that? No wonder the guy was so uptight and creepy. He shot one of his own guys because he was infected. Way to go, champ. Oh and he was back to some old…habits. But let's not get into that.

They were preparing to get the Colt to kill Lucifer once and for all. Back then I didn't know it wouldn't work so I went right along with them. But it was a trap, and future-me knew that. He sent them in anyway, all of them. His fucking friends. He send the all in, Cas and Chuck included and I could hear their screams. But this is where it got 'interesting'. Future me knocked me out and went after Lucifer. I sneaked after him, of course, and what I found…

Sam, it was you. Lucifer was in your body. And I walked in on him snapping my future self's neck. The way he moved around with you probably trapped deep inside there somewhere…Future-Dean had told me about it, you said yes in Detroit but I never did. I never talked to you again after we split up. It was our separation that led you to finally give it. My fault. I should've been there to swat Lucifer's illusions and dreams away. I should've been there to tell you it was madness, literally.

But I wasn't. And I was too fucking self-absorbed to say yes first. Too blind to see how I could have changed all of that. And, coming back after Lucifer told me I couldn't change any of it, that we would always end up there, with him having your body and me dying at his hands…I tried to whip Zachariah's lesson out of my head after that, I really did. I joined up with you and told myself that I could fix this on my own. But then more people died, more catastrophes, Ellen and Jo…and I just…kept seeing these pictures of 2014 and you in a white suit, Lucifer smiling so cruelly with your fucking face and I couldn't shake the feeling that it was my responsibility to keep that from happening, even if I have to chain an Archangel to my damn ass.

I know Zachariah could have played me. But it was so vivid and real and possible that it stuck with me like nothing else. And heaven…heaven just put a final point to it all. I know I made a mistake by throwing the amulet out. I'm sorry, Sam, I wish I hadn't. It would be right around my neck through all of this, hadn't I made that rash decision. It was in the heat of the moment and I hadn't quite realized yet what game Zachariah had played. Seriously, when I'm in charge there, he's the first to be fired.

Seeing Ash and Mom and little-you though…it made me realize what's at stake. Made me really see it. So when we met the preacher and his possessed daughter, I had already decided. In my mind, it was set. I knew I couldn't tell you, you wouldn't possibly understand why I have to do this. I know you would rather let Lucifer in than see me destroying half the planet with Michael on my ass.

You didn't see yourself in 2014, dude. It can't happen like that, can't. It would kill me, you, all our friends and everything else that's good in the world.

So I hope you can see now where I am coming from.

I'm sorry, Sammy.

I never wanted to leave like this.

In fact, I never wanted to leave you at all and I hope you know that. I may never say it and I will regret writing this if I ever see you again but: I love you. Always have, always will.

Please, don't give in to any whispers, wait this out 'till Michael did his thing and then…go do whatever makes you happy. Stay with Bobby and start Hunter-Central. Go back to Stanford. Find a girl (what about that Sarah chick? That was her name, right, the art lover?) and settle down. Have children and Grandchildren. Name one of them Dean and let me watch you from heaven with Mom, Dad, Ellen, Jo, Pamela and Ash. Maybe in heaven I'd finally be able to make a move on Jo. Who knows, rules are different there, I gather. She'd probably still kick my ass.

I will tell Zachariah that I have conditions, people that need to stay save. You, Cas and Bobby would be some of them. Missouri, Lisa and Ben also made the list. You remember them, right? If Zachariah is being a dick again, please make sure they get somewhere safe.

Something else I never told you but…whenever I pictured myself with an apple pie life where I wouldn't have to be a hunter any more, that would be with her and the kid. So besides your own happiness, make sure they have theirs.

How do I end this…my hand already hurts. Final words are hard, Sam. Every damn time. It's paradox that I had so many chances to give them, isn't it? And it's a shame you can't hear the final final ones from my own mouth. But read this:

Take care of yourself, take care of my baby and as always, do what Dad and I taught you. Most of all though, be happy. Live your life. And don't rush to meet up with me wherever it is I'm going after this. If I can, I will find you. If I can't, take it as a good sign. No bringing back, no deals, no nothing. Please promise that to me, even if it's just to this letter.

Take care, Sammy,

Dean

Abby closed her eyes. A tear escaped them and she hugged Sam closer to her chest, burying her face in his strangely long hair.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…" she whispered, mixed in with Sam's name and soothed her hands over his back, hoping to calm him. But how could he ever calm from that? Knowing his brother gave himself to keep him from just the same fate. Sam as Lucifer's destined vessel…the huntress shuddered at the mere thought of it. There was a silence, again, when they both tried to drown out the screams from inside the motel room and both tried to calm their tears.

"He gave his soul for me once, Abby. First his soul, now his entire being. I don't even know if he has a chance at heaven with him and Michael having joined together, whatever that means. How am I supposed to just be a-okay with that?"

You can't, she wanted to say. But it wouldn't solve anything. So she just nodded into his hair and kissed the top of his head, continuing the circles on his back. And finally, after a few minutes, maybe longer, his breathing and shaking calmed down somewhat and he breathed in more deeply, taking in her disturbingly calming presence.

Inside the motel room, something had changed as well. It was quiet now, Dean-Michael had stopped screaming. Bobby let go of his shoulders, he had been trashing out in bed, forces in his arms beyond Bobby's control, but he tried anyway. Tried to keep Dean down and make him rest in peace, at last. If he was gonna die, he could at least do it faster than this, less pain, less suffocating, literally. What would happen to him afterwards, the older hunter asked himself.

With a sigh, he sat back, suspecting the worst when Dean finally stopped struggling.

What he didn't count on though, was what actually happened. And that was a quiet mumbling sound coming from the bed. Then, slowly, the feathers on the floor, that had come out of nowhere (probably the wings), began to shake. The whole bed shook, then the floor, the building, until finally, when moving his attention away from the moving furniture and Sam and Abby bursting through the doorway, he saw the glow on Dean's chest. It was bright and white, coming from the spot where the hole in his chest had been.

And with the first sharp intake of breath for several minutes, maybe even hours, a gasp would more thoroughly describe it,

Dean's bright green eyes flew open.

We sat and made a list
Of all the things that we had
Down the backs of table tops
Ticket stubs and your diaries
I read them all one day
When loneliness came and you were away
Oh they told me nothing new,
But I love to read the words you used

I was the match and you were the rock
Maybe we started this fire
We sat apart and watched
All we had burned on the pyre
(You said) we were born with nothing
And we sure as hell have nothing now

These are the things, the things we lost
The things we lost in the
fire
fire
fire

~Bastille, Things we lost in the Fire

I know, finally :D. Now you just burn to know what the hell is happening, right? Btw I'm working on a music video to this song with spn footage because it fits the show so fucking perfectly. In a cruel way. But you know...my sadistic self wants to make a video about it. Oh well.

Sorry if the update's going to take a while, I'm in full university stress right now, you probably know the feeling...*sigh*
Let's all hope finals end soon D:

What do you think? PLEASE tell me what you think, I'd really appreciate it! :3