Thank you so very much for all the reviews! I am floored by the support and they are so appreciated!

A/N: This chapter references a flashback from Chapter 4 (An Unwanted Guest). Please let me know what you think!

Disclaimer: The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Warnings: This chapter contains violence and self-destructive behavior. Overall, this story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

Learning to Be

Chapter 16: Control

Alec blinked his eyes drowsily. He buried himself further into the surface he was resting his head on, feeling reluctant about getting up. A light breeze brushed passed his skin and he groaned, feeling just slightly too cold. He opened his eyes properly and was instantly greeted with the green expanse of a lawn. That's when he noticed a hand lightly resting on his arm.

Suddenly realizing that he was outside and the surface he was lying on was Magnus's thigh, he shot up, his eyes wide and horrified. His pale skin deepened into a harsh shade of red as he looked over at the warlock.

Magnus smiled. "Hey darling."

Alec was seated a few inches away, his legs tucked to the side as he sat up awkwardly. "I fell asleep in your lap?" he asked in a hushed voice.

"You were tired."

"I...I...I'm sorry, by the angel..." He looked around the meadow. There were less people around and most were settled into their own blankets, eating, reading or just chatting.

"Hey," Magnus started, gently placing his hand over Alec's hand that was pressed into the blanket. Alec's hand twitched but he didn't pull away. "It's okay. You did nothing wrong."

Alec only blushed deeper. "How long was I asleep?"

"About four hours."

Alec gaped. "Shit, you should have woken me up."

"I was sufficiently occupied," he said, patting a book that lay to his side.

Alec ran his fingers through his hair and flipped open his phone. It was just past 7pm and Jace had texted him a couple of times.

"Anything interesting?" Magnus asked.

"Jace texted. Max fell asleep at Clary's place. They might stay there for the night."

Magnus laughed. "Jocelyn is allowing boy-wonder to spend the night with her daughter around?"

"He's with Max, Magnus. They're not going to do anything," Alec replied. He had a strong feeling that Jace was purposely staying at Clary's with Max because Alec didn't sleep last night. He frowned, feeling anger brewing within. It wasn't fair that Jace felt like he had to keep their baby brother out of his own home to protect him and so that his other brother would sleep easier. Of course, Jace didn't know that Alec hadn't being staying at the Institute until Max arrived at home.

He picked at the hem of his jeans absently. Magnus squeezed the hand that he had covered with his own and looked at Alec questioningly. "Where are you planning to sleep tonight?"

Alec looked up at Magnus, trying to chase away his anger. "I don't know," he said honestly. "If Max is at Clary's..."

"You stayed at the Institute last night because Max was home?"

Alec wrapped his arms around himself, slipping the hand out from Magnus's grasp. "It's complicated."

"I see that," Magnus said, a contemplative look on his face.

"I need to go home for a bit but can I come over later?" Alec asked tentatively, still feeling like the safety of Magnus's place would be taken away even though Magnus had been nothing about generous despite being kept in the dark.

Magnus smiled. "Of course, Alec."

xxxxxx

Alec sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing his palms against his knees, staring mindlessly at the wall. He felt confused and scared and a feeling that was so unfamiliar to him. Happiness. It was hidden underneath all the painful emotions but Alec couldn't deny its existence or the root of its existence. In the midst of Manson once again living at the Institute, Max coming home and Izzy finding out some of his secrets, Alec had also sought out safety somewhere else, leading him to Magnus. When he was with Magnus and when his mind wasn't drawn to his past, he felt safe and warm and happy. And the feeling terrified him because he didn't want to think about why Magnus made him feel this way.

He jumped up and quickly changed into training gear before heading up to the training room. He would get some training in before calling Jace to make sure they were staying there and then he would go to Magnus's place. Because Magnus was a friend and he felt safer there than at the Institute, he told himself.

When he reached the entrance of the training room, the door was opened just a sliver and Alec could hear the sound of someone training from within. Jace and Izzy were both out and his parents were unlikely to use the room at this time.

His heart was pounding. He stood, frozen by the door, his hand grazing his stele by his hip. He thought about turning and leaving. He could go for a run instead. Then he remembered two nights ago when he had bumped into Manson on the street and Manson instantly had control of him. He clenched his teeth, hating himself for his weakness. Hating himself for allow the man to continue to control him.

But was the alternative? Going in there and telling him to leave, it was his turn to use the training room. In any other situation, Alec would be tempted to laugh harshly at the ridiculousness. Instead he curled his hand around his stele and quickly etched a soundless rune into his forearm.

He pushed the door open just a little bit more and peeked in. He was right. It was Manson in the room. He had his back turned to Alec and he was throwing daggers at a target on the wall opposite him.

Alec nearly gagged out loud but kept it in, knowing that a soundless rune would not silence his voice. He remembered being in the training room, Manson finding him there before he started hurting him and trying to teach him how to throw daggers. It was like he could feel the man pressing himself against his body, his hand on his waist and the other around his wrist. He closed his eyes, remembering the man's arousal pressed against his back and not understanding what was happening. He remembered feeling relieved when he let him throw the daggers without his physical guidance. At the time, he had no idea that that moment had been the beginning of it all.

Alec pressed his hand against the fortitude rune on his shoulder, hidden underneath his gear. He wondered if he would have had more strength to bear the torment as a child if he had that rune when he was younger. He squeezed his shoulder harshly and opened his eyes, willing himself to be stronger than he had ever been before.

Izzy's voice floated into his head again. You are so strong. Alec wanted to prove that he actually did have strength. He needed to know that this man didn't control him anymore. He needed to do this.

Alec waited by the door, watching Manson and talking himself into moving forward. He waited until Manson moved to the wall and started dislodging daggers that were buried in the target and dropping them into a bin by the wall. Sucking in some air as quietly as possible, he pushed the door open silently and walked in, standing beside the bin of daggers where Manson had stood while practicing his throw.

For a moment Alec thought that he was frozen. All he could do was stare at Manson's back, the pounding of his heart blaring in his ears and a tremor taking hold of his hands. Suddenly he realized that he hadn't thought this through and he might end up stuck here with his worst nightmare and a bunch of weapons.

No Alec, the teenager screamed in his mind. Manson didn't need to control the weapons. Alec was just as good at using daggers as Manson. As if on autopilot, Alec bent down and picked up a few daggers. He placed all but one in his belt. He held the last weight in his hand, gripping the handle tightly. Manson had removed the last dagger from the target and dropped them into the bin.

Alec cleared his voice loudly, although it didn't seem loud enough to overpower the sound of his beating heart.

Manson spun around, his back against the wall and stared at the teenager, surprise clear in his expression.

"Alexander," he said calmly, a horrible smile gracing his face. The man had the beginnings of a black eye and a bruised jaw. Alec didn't have the capacity at that moment to think about who gave the man those bruises. He would have to think about it at a later time.

Alec raised his hand, positioning the dagger. He hated that smile.

Alec saw the twitch in Manson's foot, like he was about to move forward. Without thinking about what could happen next, Alec allowed the dagger to fly through the air. The dagger moved so fast, Manson did not have a chance to move. It landed just beside his left eye, the blade parallel to the floor, the sharp edge of the dagger grazing against his skin. The man flinched. Before he could move, Alec threw another dagger, landing right beside his right eye, the blade nicking at his skin as it lodged into the wall.

"It's a good thing I got so good at throwing daggers," Alec said. His voice was so calm and deadly that it didn't sound like him. "Any less precision and you may have lost an eye."

"Careful Alexander," he said, his voice condescending and demeaning. Alec hated him. Even with his head between two blades, he thought he could speak to him like he was still a child.

Manson lifted his left hand to grab the daggers but Alec moved faster, trapping his wrist between two daggers, the blades similarly positioned so that the sharp ends pressed against his skin.

"Move your other hand and I'll aim for your wrist," Alec said.

"What is it that you want, Alexander?"

"Stop calling me that," Alec screamed.

"Would you rather I call you Alec?"

Alec flinched, not wanting the name to be similarly tainted.

"No," he whispered, feeling less and less sure about this confrontation. He held another dagger but his hand had started shaking again.

"What is it that you want from me?" The man was so calm.

"What do I want?" Alec hissed. "What do I want?" Alec's mind buzzed. What did he want?

"Why?" Alec finally said

"Why what?"

Alec's unoccupied hand clenched into a fist. "Why did you do this to me?"

"Do what?" the man said, fake innocence dripping from his voice.

"Don't fucking play games with me," Alec yelled, letting another dagger fly through the air. It lodged deep into the man's right shoulder. Manson screamed, his voice shrill and so unfamiliar to what Alec was used to. He immediately moved his free arm to grab at the blade.

"You might not want to take that out right now. You'll bleed out if you don't fix it quickly and I don't think you're going to have the opportunity anytime soon." Alec was so surprised at his ability to speak and not stutter or just shutdown. Maybe he was running on pure adrenaline. Maybe it was the fortitude rune.

Manson hissed, his breathing coming out ragged. He clutched his shoulder but left the dagger in. "Listen Alexander."

"No, you listen. I don't think I even want to know why. What could you possible say that I would want to hear. That I was an easy target, weak and pathetic. That you knew that I was different and would keep quiet."

"I couldn't control myself, Alexander. And you wanted it."

"NO!" Alec screamed, shaking his head. Tears gathered in the corner of his eyes.

"You were just so beautiful, so perfect."

"No!"

"Your blue eyes." He hissed in pain. "Your perfect, flawless body."

"SHUT UP!" Alec threw another dagger. It landed between his slightly parted legs, the sharp end of the blade dangerously close to his crotch.

"Please, Alexander. Just let me remove the daggers and we can talk."

Alec laughed, the sound coming out almost deranged. Tears spilled over his cheeks and he wiped them away angrily. "Did you ever stop when I asked you to? Did you ever pay attention to my pain? Did you care that you were destroying me?"

Manson was becoming desperate. "Alexander, I had no control."

"You had all the control," Alec yelled angrily.

There was silence.

"I had nothing," Alec said softer, his voice wavering. "You took everything away from me. You destroyed my life." Alec could feel his emotions becoming unmanageable. He had one dagger left. He held it in his hand, his hand shaking so much, he thought he might drop it. He was unraveling quickly. The illusion of strength and calm quickly slipping away.

He stepped back and his foot bumped into something. He looked down and saw a jacket crumpled on the floor and a box half hidden by the material. There was something familiar about the simple wooden box. He bent down, his eyes still trained on Manson and picked it up in his unoccupied hand. Why was it so familiar?

Manson's eyes widened. "Alexander, please, let's talk."

Alec looked at him once more and he knew he had to leave or he would come apart in front of the man and left totally at his mercy. With the box in one hand and the dagger in the other, he turned and fled the room.

He didn't stop until he made it to his room. He slammed the door shut before he collapsed against the wall. The box fell to the floor beside him but he held on tightly to the dagger. His chest hurt. His heart was racing uncontrollably. His hands shook and his eyes blurred with tears. He felt nauseous. His breathing was ragged and he couldn't get it under control. He tilted his head back, pressing the back of his head against the wall. He grabbed the blade of the dagger with his other hand, allowing the metal to cut into his palm, ignoring the dampness that quickly followed.

A/N: That was definitely hard to write. Please let me know what you think of the chapter. Alec took a big step forward but might also take a step back. But do not despair. He will reach out for help in the next chapter from the only person that knows about his self-harm and he may even have the strength to let him in more than he has in the past but it's not going to be easy.