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-KLAG
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Disclaimer: All characters belong to Stephanie Meyers
Edward Pov
Why is she doing this to me? What exactly is she trying to prove?
Out of all the lingering questions in my head, the one that I can't wrap my head around is why can't I get over my feelings for her. If I can just stop loving her in a romantic way, having our friendship back would be easy. Right?
Who am I kidding?
I am utterly fucked. There's no way around it. I am completely in love with someone that I can never have, and it is fucking with my mind.
I would never be this unprofessional at my work place if my mind wasn't fucked up. Before she showed up I had only had three drinks, but when I saw her with that fucker, I blanked out, saw red and went shot crazy.
My mind is in a hazy drunken state, and I just want to continue to drink my problems away.
"You fucking idiot. You can't keep your shit together for five seconds", Alice pushes the girl that I had been making out with off of my lap. I shrug. I knew something like this would happen, that's why I already had two words playing over and over in my head as a reminder.
Fuck her.
If only I could fuck her.
But I wouldn't fuck her. I would make love to her, which is something I have never done with any other woman. I've fucked plenty of women in hopes that one of them would snatch my heart away from Bella.
They were all failures. I hang my head. I am so fucked.
"Go out there and talk to her", Alice pulls me up, and I wobble forward. Damn I am drunk as fuck. I hold my head up with one hand and start laughing. I am loosing my fucking mind here, and nobody cares. Everybody cares about sweet innocent, can do no wrong Bella.
I look up and she staring at me like I have three heads. I don't deserve to be looked at like that. The way that I behave is only a reaction from my aching heart. This isn't my fault.
My defense mechanism kicks in again, waiting for me to just give up and shut off my humanity. I don't want to give a fuck about anything or anyone. Kind of how I was when Bella first left.
The ringing is back in my ears, and the words are in the forefront of my mind.
Fuck Bella.
"Fuck her", I shout and fall back in my seat. I reach out for the blonde chick, and she smiles, taking her seat back on my lap.
"Fuck you Edward, you stubborn ass", she huffs. "You're never going to have Bella in your life acting like this", She shouts.
"I don't fucking want her", I shout back and llook at the girl in my lap. "I want Katie" Her face falls.
"My name is Lacey, and she's right, you're an ass.", She mushes my face, stands and walks away. I roll my eyes. I look up and Alice's arms are folded across her chest, she will not budge.
"What do you want from me Alice?", She reaches down and grabs my arm, before summoning Jasper and Emmett over to help. I shake them each off of me. "I'm fine", I walk through the crowd and out the door, and I am only met with a cold breeze.
No Bella.
I look around, and I don't see her.
Right then Alice, Jasper and Emmett walk out, and Alice freaks.
"Where the fuck is she?", She looks around, just like I'd done. "What did you say to her", She comes right up to my face.
"Nothing. She wasn't out here", I say calmly, but in the inside I am freaking out just as much as Alice. I see her rub her forehead in frustration.
"Maybe she went on home", Emmett says.
"Maybe she's with that guy", Jasper says. She wouldn't fucking go off with a guy she doesn't know. My Bella wouldn't do that.
Except she's not my Bella. She's not the same Bella that she was eight years ago.
"Come on, Jaz", Alice grabs Jaspers arm. "We'll meet her there, if that's where she went", They start to walk away and I follow, which makes Emmett follow. Having Bella seemingly missing is sobering me up quite a bit.
"I'm going with you. I want to make sure that she made it home", I say to their retreating forms. Alice tirns around quickly.
"God damn it Edward, just go home. You've done enough. I wanted her to have a good time, and you once again had her rushing to get away from you", Ouch Alice, damn. I may be a little drunk, but that shit hurt. I flinch away at her words. "I'm sorry", she says quietly looking down. "I'll call you when I know that she is home safe, okay", I nod, as she turns and walks away.
Emmett pats my shoulder. "What's going on with you Edward?", He asks. I shake my head.
"I don't know Em", I regret not talking to Bella tonight, that's the main thing wrong with me.
"You want to talk about it?", I shake my head. He pats my back three times. "I'm here for you bro.", I try to smile but it's impossible. There's this ache in my chest that won't go away. I wouldn't wish the pain of unrequited love on my worst enemy. "Come on, I'll drop you off. You can come back and get your car in the morning.", I nod, and walk towards his truck.
When I wake the next morning I just lay in bed staring at the ceiling for a good 5 minutes with the worst headache of my life. I finally look over and see that the covers are pushed back on the opposite side. I sit up quickly and try to listen to my surroundings. That's when I hear the shower running.
What the fuck?
I get out of bed almost falling over because of the constant pounding in my head. I did not drink that much last night yet I feel like shit. I walk around looking for my phone, and spot it on my dresser. I grab and dial Emmett s number, but it's too late.
The bathroom door opens, and out walks Tanya.
I drop my phone to the ground in surprise. "What the fuck are you doing in my house Tanya? She looks up at me and wraps her towel tighter around herself, walking towards me.
"You asked me to come over, Edward.", I stare at her trying to remember that happening. "Lastnight", She pushes. "You called me at almost two o clock in the morning, Edward", She puts her hands on her hips. "Whatever", She walks over and sits on my bed. "Call Emmett, he was here"
I quickly bend down and pick up my phone, which now has a cracked screen and dial Emmetts number. He answers on the third ring. "Hey, didn't think you would be up this early", I ignore his comment.
"What the fuck happened last night, Emmett. Didn't you drive me right home?", I ask through tight lips.
"I did", Is all that he says. We are silent for beat. I quietly wait for him to elaborate.
"Em", He answers with a 'hmm' "Why the fuck is Tanya in my fucking house, and naked." I look over at her to see her roll her eyes.
"She's still there? She's naked? Did you fuck her?", He starts listing off questions.
"Emmett focus, what happened"
"Oh yeah. For some reason on the way home you called her, and pretty much called her every name in the book. Whats that about? I thought you too were friends", I ignore his question.
"What else happened?", I pull on boxers with the phone still to my ear.
"You told me to stop by the liquor store for a few bottles so I did. I was missing Rose, she was still doing inventory, so I decided to stay at your place for awhile. We got fucked up, Edward. I mean trashed, like how we use to", He laughs and I hit my forehead. "Tanya was worried, since you did call her, she came over, I called Rose to come get me, and that's all that I remember", I closed my eyes tightly and reopened them. What the fuck? I don't even remember getting in Emmett's truck.
"You fucked Tanya", Emmett asked again. "Wait until I tell Alice this shit", My eyes widen.
"You can't tell Alice", I say quickly. Time to come clean. "Em, we've been fucking around for years now", I look at Tanya and she has her arms folded across her chest with a smile on her face.
"Well then you should probably apologize to her. You said some really fucked up shit to her lastnight", I hang my head while running my fingers through my hair with my free hand.
"Yeah, I have to go Emmett", He says his goodbyes and we hang up.
I look up at Tanya ready for the look on her face. "Well", she starts.
"Look, I don't even know what happened last night-"
"You called me some pretty bad names, told me that I ruined your life.", she shakes her head. "I don't know how the hell I did that",she shrugs. "I came over, we got drunk and had sex.",she stands and walks over to me wrapping her arms around my neck. "You were so good last night", I reached up placing my hands on hers, and slowly removed them from my neck while staring at her.
"Last night was a mistake", I put her hands to her side. She scuffs.
"God, Edward. Why do you do this? We could have something special.", She kisses the corner of my mouth. "We made love last night Edward. Over and over and over again", She pronounces her words with kisses to my face.
I lightly move her away from me. "I need a fucking cigarette", I look around even though I know that I don't have anymore. After that incident with Bella, I refused to buy anymore, but fuck it, I need one.
Tanya walks over to her purse. "Here", She hands me the pack, and instead of taking one out, and walk right out onto my balcony. I grab the lighter off of the table, light it up, and smoke. It instantly soothes me.
It's been a week since I've smoked, and this shit feels so good. It makes me think about my heavier smoking days when I wasn't just into cigarettes, and marijuana. I remember I would get so fucked up on cocaine with Tanya. I wonder if she still does that shit.
I remember fucking her best friend while she watched. Nothing ever seemed to upset her.
Except when I would bring Bella up.
Then she would whip out the cocaine, I would get fucked up out of my mind, and although I didn't continue talking about Bella, she still haunted my mind. No matter how drunk or high I get, my mind still drifts to Bella. There's no escaping it.
I feel the sliding glass door open and I hear it close. "What do you want?", I ask her.
She wraps her arms around my waist. "I know what you're thinking about", she says ignoring my question. "When are you going to live a life that doesn't revolve around her?", she spits 'her' out with so much disgust. "I hate what she has made you become", I throw the cigarette out and turn around.
"You need to fucking leave", I say through gritted teeth. Her eyes widen.
"I brought you something.", she holds up a familiar baggy. I stare at the bag, it's been so long.
It's been too long.
I shake my head trying to rid myself of the moments of bliss cocaine brought me.
It also brought hell to the people around me. I pinch the bridge of my nose.
"Just one time. It won't hurt", Tanya taunts me. I worked hard to get off of that shit. If I do this theres no turning back. Carlisle will probably give up on me, Esme will cry for months, Alice will have a look of disappointment when she sees me, but worst of all, Bella will look on at me with disgust.
But am I not living by a new motto?
Fuck her, right?
The world does not revolve around her.
Wait, wasn't she missing last night? She left with that fucker, I just know that she did.
I need to make sure that she's okay. "I'll pass", I say as I open the sliding glass door, and walk back in looking for my phone. I quickly dial Alices number. She answers groggily.
"Alice, you were supposed to call me", I shout.
"Why are you shouting", she says half sleep.
"Is she there?", I ask but she doesn't respond quick enough for me. "Is Bella there", I ask louder.
"No", my face drops. Why is she so calm about this. "She did call this morning though. She said that she's fine, and she'll be back soon.", I exhale. "Actually that was a few hours ago, she may be home now", I have to talk to her. I have no clue what I'll say but I have to talk to her.
"Please, Alice, if she's there let me talk to her", she sighs. I hear rustling in the background.
"Hold on", she says into the phone. "Bella?", I hear a knock.
"Come in", I hear Bella say.
"Edward", I hear Alice say. Then the line goes quiet.
"Hello?" Bella says.
I sigh again. "I'm happy that you're home safe", I say awkwardly.
"Thank you", she says more like a question. We are quiet for a beat. "Why do you want to talk to me Edward, it's obvious that you don't care for me-", I stop her short.
"I more than care for you, Bella. I care about you, I l-", I was just about to say 'I love you', but she shouldn't have to hear that over the phone. She thinks that I don't care for her? She is so wrong.
"Edward, do you want breakfast?", Tanya asks walking towards me. I hear a sharp intake of breathe.
"Edward, I have to go", I hear Bella say before she hangs up in my face.
I throw my phone on the bed abd rub my face. "Get the fuck out", I say lowly. She doesn't move. "Tanya, I swear to God-", I said through tight lips not looking at her. She stares at me with an open mouth. "Get the fuck out of my house", I shout.
"Fine, Edward, but don't come crawling back to me when Bella fucks your life up", She says as she throws on clothes. "Once I leave, I'm not coming back", She says like that will make me change my mind.
I don't even acknowledge her presence, I turn and walk towards the bathroom. "Lock the door on your way out", I say to her as I walk into the bathroom to shower.
Thank you for reading, please review. I'll try to do a longer chapter for tomorrow. Thanks again.