Thank you so very much for all the amazing feedback! It is forever appreciated.
A/N: This is going to feel like a major step back but there will be more in the next chapter. Sometimes two steps forward is followed by one step back, but still moving in the right direction.
Disclaimer: The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.
Warnings: This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.
Learning to Be
Chapter 17: Unraveling
Magnus lounged on his sofa with his legs propped up on the coffee table. He had a glass of wine in his hand and his phone lying on his sofa beside him. He didn't want to get plastered tonight. He was expecting Alec any minute.
"I'm swearing you to secrecy, Catarina," Magnus said, leaning towards the phone.
"Of course, Magnus. He sounds like he has struggled with a lot but you are obviously taken by him." The voice of his friend, Catarina, floated through the speaker of the phone.
"He's a shadowhunter! A closeted Nephilim"
"Yes, this is new for you but he doesn't sound like most shadowhunters we know."
"He's a Lightwood."
"He definitely doesn't sound like any Lightwood I've met but it's understandable that you would be wary."
Magnus sighed. "I'm not wary. I'm worried. What am I getting myself into? I mean I think about him all the time. I let him sleep in my apartment. I make portals to go find him."
"Do you enjoy spending time with him?"
"Yes," Magnus said without having to think about it.
"Then I don't think you should think too much into it."
Just as she was finishing her sentence, the phone lit up announcing an incoming phone call.
"He's calling now," Magnus said, his lips turning upward unconsciously.
"Well, pick up then."
"All right, I'll call you back."
He picked up the phone and tapped the talk button. "Hi darling," he said, pressing the phone to his ear.
A hitched breath sounded through the speaker.
Magnus pulled his feet off the coffee table and sat up. "Alec, what's going on?"
"Magnus." His voice was raw and weak. Magnus heart was pounding.
"Talk to me Alec."
"I'm sorry, I...you told me I could call if..." His voice trailed off and Magnus closed his eyes, knowing that Alec was hurting somehow.
"Of course, darling."
"I couldn't control myself. I tried, Magnus."
Magnus held back a curse. "Where are you?"
"At the Institute."
"Is Jace or Izzy there?"
"No...I..."
"I'm coming over." Magnus was already standing. Yet again he found himself deciding to make a portal. In the last week he would be making more portals than he had in the last few months.
"You don't have to."
"Where in the Institute are you?"
"In my room."
Magnus knew where that was from when he came to heal him. Izzy had asked if he would take him to his room after Magnus had rested because she didn't want him to wake up in the infirmary. He could make a portal directly to his room.
"Can I make a portal to your room?"
"Okay," he said, sounding more vulnerable than before.
xxxxxx
When Magnus stumbled out of the portal, he felt an unwanted sense of deja vu. Alec was seated, with his legs stretched out in front of him, on the floor against a wall. He was not wearing a shirt and any other time, Magnus would indulge in his beauty. But now all he could see was the pain. A bloody dagger lay over an undamaged hand. His other palm was blood-soaked and more blood outlined new wounds running along his arm. Beside him was his stele, a phone and a wooden box, also smeared with blood.
Alec looked up at him with bloodshot eyes. "I tried to stop, I wanted to stop," he whispered.
Magnus rushed forward and knelt beside the teenager.
"I can't draw an iratze," he murmured looking at his bloody hand. "It doesn't come out right with this hand." He lifted his undamaged hand. He looked utterly lost, like he had in front of the bakery the other day.
"It's okay. I've got you."
He picked up the damaged hand carefully and encased it with his own. Within seconds, his palms seeped with blue light and he felt his magic healing Alec's wound.
Alec gasped as he let go of his hand. He reached forward for his stele but Magnus stopped him gently. "I'll fix all your wounds."
"You don't have to."
Magnus shook his head. The thought of Alec carving into his body at the moment, even if it was natural to the Nephilim, made him nauseous. He quickly started healing the rest of his cuts, which luckily were not as bad as the one on his hand.
When he was done he leaned back, settling down beside the shadowhunter.
Alec was staring at his unblemished hand, curling the fingers absently.
"I'm sorry."
"Hey, I told you to call me, remember?"
"But it's so pathetic."
"No, Alec, it's not."
Alec laughed, the laughter sounding unnatural. "I'm pretty pathetic, Magnus. Why do you even bother with me?"
"Alec," Magnus started.
Alec's eyes had turned almost wild. They were wide and unfocused. His body was trembling and tears ran down his face. Without any warming Alec turned so that he on his knees, facing Magnus.
"Do you like me?" His voice was detached and hollow.
"Of course I do."
Alec moved forward and suddenly the teenager was straddling his legs, his knees on either side of his thighs and his torso pushed towards Magnus.
"Alec," Magnus exclaimed.
Alec pressed his crotch into Magnus's crotch.
"He liked me too." There was a hitch in his voice.
Who was the 'he'? Magnus thought, fear gripping his heart. Magnus tried to detach the Nephilim from him gently but Alec pressed one hand between his legs, massaging him.
"You can do whatever you want to me," Alec said, his voice as foreign as his behavior. Tears still traced down his face.
"Alec, stop, you don't want this."
Alec laughed wildly, continuing to press his body forward, trusting his lower half against Magnus. "It doesn't matter what I want," he hissed angrily. "Don't you get it? You can do whatever to fuck you want to me." He continued to laugh, sobs breaking through it occasionally. "You can hold me down and do whatever you want? Or you can lay back and tell me what to do, let me do all the work."
Magnus felt his heart practically breaking into pieces as the boy in front of him fell apart. He pressed his hands firmly against Alec's shoulders and pushed him back gently. "Alec, listen to me, you never have to do something you don't want to do, not with me."
Alec wasn't listening. He was sitting on his thighs but no longer pressed against him. Instead he started undoing his own jeans, his fingers shaking so aggressively, he could barely grip the button. "Come on, I know you want to fuck me. You don't have to pretend," he yelled wildly. "I'm good, I promise. I've had lots of practice."
Alec was physically stronger than Magnus and Magnus didn't want to use magic to control him in any way but he couldn't let him continue down this path of self-destruction. Alec had finally unbuttoned his jeans and started pushing them down. Magnus instantly gripped his wrists.
"Stop Alec." He tried to be gentle and firm.
"Why?" Alec whispered, his voice so broken, it hurt to hear. "It's what you want, right?"
"No, Alec, I don't want this." From Alec's behavior since getting to know him, Magnus had figured that Alec may have experienced some sexual trauma in his past. At the time, he didn't want to believe it. Maybe his behavior was a reaction to his sexuality within the Shadow world. Everybody copes differently. But now it was obvious that the teenager had experienced some form of sexual abuse.
"Of course." He pulled his hands away, his whole body still trembling violently. "I'm dirty. Used goods. I'm a whore. Of course you don't want me."
Magnus reached out and held Alec's hand. The boy flinched and looked away. "Alec, I don't want this because you don't want this."
A sob escaped Alec's lips. "What I want doesn't matter."
"It's all that matters, Alec. No one has the right to do anything you don't want."
Alec sobbed again. He collapsed against the warlock, his face buried into the older man's neck, hands gripping his shoulders. Heart wrenching sobs racked his body. His breathing was ragged and tears soaked into the collar of Magnus's shirt. Instinctively, Magnus wrapped his arms around the boy and pressed his lips into the top of his head.
"You're safe with me. I promise you that."
"I'm not safe," Alec whispered. "I never safe."
Magnus glanced at the bloody dagger. "Alec..."
"He's always here. In my head...in my dreams...in...in my home."
Magnus flinched. He felt so helpless, holding this precious but devastated boy in his arms. He felt anger coursing through his body. He wanted to rip the Institute apart looking for this man. He needed to push it aside for now or he would scare Alec and he never wanted to scare Alec. He needed to know more.
Before he could say anything else the door to his bedroom swung open. Alec didn't seem to register the change but Magnus's eyes went to the doorway.
Jace stood in the room as if about to greet Alec before he registered the scene in front of him. And it was an image that Magnus knew Jace would interpret incorrectly. Here was Alec, half naked, with his jeans undone, wrapped around a fully clothed powerful warlock with a bloody knife lying by Magnus's side.
"Get the hell away from my brother," Jace screamed, moving forward rapidly. The rage on his face was almost unfathomable. Magnus quickly drew his hand up and a flash of blue blasted into the room. Jace slammed against an invisible wall separating him from them.
Alec was still falling apart, totally unaware of his surroundings. Glancing back at Alec's phone, he now saw the numerous missed calls from the Nephilim's brother.
Jace slammed his fists against the forcefield. "You fucking downwolder! You are fucking dead," he screamed. "Get your fucking hands off of him!"
"I'm not hurting him, Jace," Magnus said calmly before addressing Alec. "Alec, darling, Jace is here."
"He's fucking half naked you bastard." His eyes fell on the dagger. "What have you done to him?" Jace was starting to hyperventilate. He was pounding his fists helplessly. His face was already red and tear-stained. He started oscillating between pleading and threatening Magnus. "Please. Please. Let me in. Don't hurt him. Oh god, please, don't hurt him," to "You're fucking dead, Bane. Let me in! I'm going to kill you, you fucking bastard!" The blonde teenager was unraveling quickly.
"Alec, angel."
Alec pulled back as he tried to stifle his sobs. Once he untangled himself from the warlock he seemed to register his surroundings, the sound of Jace's wild voice seemingly reaching him in a rush. He flung himself away from Magnus and spun around.
"Alec!" Jace called out, his eyes wide with horror.
Alec stood there, tear tracks running down his blotchy face, shirtless and his jeans open. His healing cuts and old scars stood out on his arms and chest. Jace's eyes instantly went to them. Alec was frozen on the spot.
Magnus stood up and looked at Jace. "I'm going to let the wall down but you have to stay calm. I didn't hurt him."
Jace nodded, his eyes transfixed on the scars. "He hurt himself," he whispered, the devastation in his voice palpable.
A/N: And now Magnus and Jace both know something they didn't know before. Magnus hasn't fully processed everything yet and he doesn't know the actually story yet but he knows a lot more now. Jace is also going to go through a lot of emotions.
This chapter was entirely from Magnus's POV. I know it might seem like a jump for Alec to go from being unable to handle touch to being overtly sexual but remember that he he's not being sexual because he wants to be but as a reaction to his confrontation and a feeling that his existence is wrapped up in being an object that was used for someone else's pleasure and that he can protect himself by just giving in before it's taken from him. Also, nobody knows that he confronted Manson yet.
He took a really big step in the last chapter and while this is a big setback, he is so strong and he is moving in the right direction (aka, two steps forward and one step backwards is still moving in the right direction).
Okay, I'll stop rambling. Please tell me what you think. This story is only getting more complex. Feedback is so appreciated!