Thank you so very much for all the amazing feedback! I am eternally grateful! You guys said some very real things about the trauma addressed in this story and the experiences and recovery is never linear. It's complicated and painful and messy and necessary.

A/N: I'm so sorry for the late update! Life has become so busy. This chapter definitely ran away from me. There is definitely a lot more talk than action but then again, this is more of an introspective story than an action-packed one. Please let me know what you think, the good, the bad and everything in-between.

Disclaimer: The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Warnings: This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

Learning to Be

Chapter 18: Brothers

Jace could feel his own heart pounding violently behind his chest as he desperately pounded against the invisible barrier keeping him away from his brother. It was becoming hard to breathe. His mind couldn't seem to reconcile the image of his brother, his body exposed and racked with sobs, tangled with an older man, with anything but what he had witnessed in Alec's room as a child. The horrors of that night seemed to intermingle with the image of his brother on the floor collapsed against the warlock.

Jace barely heard Magnus say, "Alec, angel." But Alec had finally responded to the voice and he pulled away from the warlock, stood up and spun around to see the blonde teenager.

Alec stared at Jace, a look of absolute shock and terror burning in his eyes.

And then Jace saw the cuts that traced across Alec's body; scars that were set apart from the silvery lines of old Marks.

"Alec!" Jace found himself exclaiming, his eyes only widening even more in dread.

Magnus stood up and looked at Jace. "I'm going to let the wall down but you have to stay calm. I didn't hurt him."

Jace nodded, suddenly realizing that Magnus hadn't used the bloody dagger that still lay on the floor...Alec had. "He hurt himself," he whispered, his eyes fixated on the scars.

There were not many but Jace knew that didn't mean that there hadn't been more over the years. He was suddenly reminded of the iratze he had seen just a few days ago, applied to Alec's skin despite not being harmed during their demon hunt. Some of the scars were almost the same color of his pale skin, only distinguished by their slight raised appearance while others were pinker, as if they were more recent and still in the healing process.

Suddenly, Jace felt a wave of energy disappear as Magnus snapped his fingers, allowing Jace's hand to pass through the air that was moments ago blocked by Magnus's forcefield. He stepped forward, ready to rush towards his brother when Alec finally spoke.

"Please," Alec said. "Stay there." His voice was hoarse and desperate. Every bone in Jace's body told him to ignore Alec's plea and drag the downwolder out of the room before demanding answers from Alec. But ever since that horrible night, Jace had done everything in his power to honor Alec's requests, though they were few and far between. Jace knew that for so many months when he was a child, Alec's control had been taken from him. A part of him wondered if subconsciously, not speaking during that time had been a way for Alec to take back some control in his life.

"Alec," he started.

Alec looked at Jace, pleadingly. His face was turning redder as they stood there and he quickly turned around, so his back was facing Jace. Jace could see his hands moving to his waist to fasten his jeans.

"Where's Max?" he asked, still facing away from him.

"He's sleeping at Clary's place. Her mom said she'd watch him after you weren't answering your phone."

"I'm sorry," he muttered.

"Alec..."

"Please leave." Alec looked at Magnus. "Both of you."

"Alec," Jace repeated desperately at the same time that Magnus also called out his name in protest.

"Please, just give me a few minutes at least," he whispered, his head bowed.

Magnus bent down and picked up the stained dagger. "Okay Alec," he said gently. "But I'm not leaving."

Jace could see Alec nodding his head. Magnus made a move like he wanted to grab his hand as he passed the teenager but he curled his fingers away and stepped towards Jace. "Let's give him a moment," Magnus said.

Jace glared at Magnus. "Don't tell me what to do, Bane."

"He didn't hurt me, Jace," Alec said softly, his body still turned away. "Please, I need a minute."

"Okay," Jace finally said. "I'm going to be right outside."

Alec sighed. "I know."

Jace followed the warlock out of the room, shutting the door behind him. Magnus immediately turned around and waved his hand, letting sparks fly.

"What did you just do?" Jace hissed.

"I don't want Alec to hear us if you decide to raise your voice," he snapped, all his gentleness gone.

"Are you stupid? What if he does something and we don't hear him!"

Magnus rolled his eyes. "We can hear him, he can't hear us."

Jace nodded. He turned away from the door and examined the warlock in front of him. Surprisingly, his hair fell loosely around his face, absent of gel or glitter. He wore dark red jeans and a black shirt that had BLINK IF YOU WANT ME written across the front in silver sequins. It was the most muted look Jace had seen on Magnus, like he had left his apartment in a rush.

Jace felt his stomach twisting. He probably did leave in a rush. "Why are you here?"

"Alec called me."

The teenager growled. "And why would he call you? He's known you for under a month."

Magnus watched him carefully. "You said it in the room just now."

Jace felt his voice catching. "Because he hurt himself." He clenched his fingers into fists and turned to face the wall. He slammed the side of his fist into the wall. How long had Alec been cutting himself? Why did he trust this stranger when he didn't even tell him that he was hurting himself. Jace didn't think he could feel like more of a failure until witnessing the scars on Alec's body.

He spun around, trying to push his emotions aside and think objectively. "Why did he call you? Why does he trust you with this?"

"It's obvious that you really care about Alec, Wayland," Magnus started.

Jace's eyes blazed angrily. "Did you expect less, warlock? He's my parabatai, my brother. But you? I know nothing about you. How can I trust you? The way I found you both..."

"I will never hurt Alec," Magnus finally said.

"That means nothing to me," Jace hissed. "Do you like him?"

"What?" Magnus asked suspiciously.

"Does he like you?"

"Jace..."

"He thinks that I would disown him if I knew but I don't care if he likes guys," Jace said firmly. "I don't know why he thinks I would think of him any differently. But I will not tolerate anyone forcing him to do anything he did not consent to and what I saw...I know he said you didn't hurt him but what do you expect me to think Bane?"

"I wasn't going to do anything to him." His voice was placating. "Alec was struggling..."

"Struggling with what? I mean, I know he's physically stronger than you, Bane but you are a fucking powerful warlock and he's..." Jace stopped himself. What was he going to say? That Alec was vulnerable and emotionally fragile? Alec was strong and brave and selfless...always selfless. But that didn't change the fact that horrible things had happened to him and that he was never given a chance to recover from the trauma.

Before he could continue, the door to Alec's room crept open and Alec stood in the doorway. He had pulled a baggy sweater on and buried his hands in the front pocket of the top.

"Magnus, I'm sorry for the way I behaved," he started. He looked at Magnus but it was like it took all his effort to make eye contact with him. "You don't have to stay. I'll be fine."

"You need to stop apologizing. I'm not going anywhere, Alec. I'm going to give you a moment with Jace and then we'll talk."

Jace wanted to say something but Alec seemed to be deliberately avoiding his gaze. "You really don't have to. I wouldn't blame you if you never wanted to see me again."

Magnus stepped forward and grabbed his hand. Alec flinched and turned his head away, his face flushed. Jace instinctively wanted to moved towards them but he held back. He had to remind himself that Magnus was not going to hurt him, at least not in front of him.

"You're pretty much stuck with me, Alec," he said softly before squeezing his hand and stepping away. "I'll be back in fifteen minutes."

"Where are you going?" Alec said, his voice soft and unsure.

"I'm going to browse the books in your extensive Nephilim library. It's not everyday that a downwolder finds himself in one of the Institutes without being hired. Unless that's going to be a problem."

Alec shook his head mutely. "Go ahead," Jace said.

He waited until the warlock was gone before walking up to his brother and wrapping his hand around the doorknob. "Are you going to let me in?" asked the younger teenager.

Alec stepped away from the doorframe, giving Jace space to enter the room but continuing to avoid eye contact with his brother.

Jace sighed. "Alec, we need to talk."

"I'm sick of talking," Alec snapped. He shut the door behind him and leaned against it, his head bowed and his hands clenched in fists.

"What talking?" Jace retaliated. "We've barely mentioned any of this for the past five years."

"What the fuck is "this", Jace?" Alec said. He snapped his head up and glared at him with bloodshot eyes. "Why are you so eager to talk about "this"? You want to hear the gory details? You want to relive that night or every fucking night I lived before that?" His whole body was shaking and he slammed his fists against the door. "You want to hear about the pain and humiliation and self-loathing? Guess what Jace, talking doesn't help!"

Jace wanted to stay calm and not get pulled into Alec's anger that was hiding his pain but all he could see were the scars on his body. All he could think about was how he had never stopped Manson from hurting Alec and he had never stopped Alec from hurting himself.

Jace stormed forward and grabbed Alec's left wrist and pushed his sleeve up, revealing his more recent cuts that were still healing. Alec gasped and tried to pull away but Jace was stronger and he could barely see through his anger. "So this is better than talking? Is it Alec? Does cutting yourself help? Does it?"

"Please Jace." Alec's voice was suddenly soft and scared. "Let go."

Jace felt like his hand was being burned. He released Alec's wrist immediately and stumbled back watching Alec sink to the floor, his right hand clasped around his left wrist and held tightly against his chest.

Jace stared in horror. "I...oh God, Alec..."

"Sometimes h-he would hold my wrists above my head while he...even when I wasn't fighting him," Alec whispered. He stared forward, passed Jace, his wide eyes blinking away tears caught in his lashes.

Jace felt nauseous, like he would throw up right in the middle of Alec's room. He had done the one thing he promised he would never do to Alec. He had taken away his control and in the worst way possible. He stumbled backwards until his back hit the other wall. He felt himself sink to the ground, his posture mirroring Alec, sitting directly opposite to him with the span of the room between them.

"I'm sorry...God, Alec...I'm so sorry..." It was feeling hard to breathe.

"It's okay Jace," Alec murmured, drawing his eyes to the younger teenager. "I know you didn't mean it. I need to stop reacting so...so pathetically."

"It's not pathetic. I shouldn't have done that."

"You shouldn't have to treat me like glass. I hate it but I haven't really given you much choice, have I?"

"I don't want to treat you like glass. I want to help you Alec because you are one of the most important people in my life and I feel so useless."

"You're not useless, Jace."

"You've been hurting yourself."

As if just remembering that his arm was exposed, he grabbed the sleeve of his sweater and pulled it over his arm. "No one was supposed to know," he whispered, his face becoming flushed again.

"How long?"

Alec clenched his arm unconsciously. "Soon after he left," he replied. "After I...after I started talking again."

It was like Alec had replaced one form of self-inflicted punishment, his self-imposed silence, with another.

"When are you most likely to do it?" Jace asked. He needed to start thinking in action steps to prevent his brother from doing this in the future.

Alec pushed back some hair and leaned his head against the door. "When I'm feeling out of control, I guess...after a nightmare or a flashback or something that reminds me of something I don't want to think about...when things are too painful to bear..." He laughed hollowly. "A lot of the time, I guess."

Jace frowned. "And you always use a throwing dagger?"

Alec cringed and sat silently for a moment like he was deciding what he was going to say. "No...a razor usually. Magnus took away my razor."

Jace was immediately reminded of the warlock's presence. "How does Magnus know, Alec? Did you tell him?" He knew he was having a hard time keeping the hurt out of the question.

Alec absently picked at his jeans. "He's a friend, Jace and I've been spending the nights in his spare bedroom because I can't stand to be here at night. He found out."

Jace gaped at Alec. "What? You haven't been sleeping here?"

"Not since Manson showed up...except for last night when Max came home."

Jace blinked. How many ways could he fail his brother?

"Jace, stop. None of this is your fault."

"But you think it's your fault, don't you?"

Alec shrugged his shoulders and looked away. "I don't want to talk about that."

Jace wanted to protest. "Alec."

"Please Jace."

Jace sighed. He stood up and walked over to Alec and put out his hand. Alec grabbed the hand and used Jace as leverage to stand up. There was a soft rap on the door. He thought about the state of undress Alec had been in when he first entered the room that night. "If he's hurting you, Alec..."

"I promise, Jace. He never hurt me."

"But..."

"I'm the one at fault here."

Jace shook his head. "Do you want to talk to him?"

Alec bit his bottom lip.

"If you don't want to talk to him, I'll make him go away."

"No, don't do that. I have to talk to him." His fingers were back to fiddling with his clothes, this time the lining of his sweater.

"Okay," Jace conceded, even though he didn't like the idea. "I'm going to be in my room. Keep your phone with you and text me if you need me. And I want to tell Izzy about the cutting."

"What? NO!" Alec shook his head desperately.

"Please, Alec. This is not a healthy coping mechanism and I think you need a strong support system to combat this and the people you spend the most time with...me, Izzy and apparently Magnus, need to be on the same page so we can help you."

Alec frowned.

"Come on Alec, think about it."

Alec nodded slowly.

"You're going to defeat this and you're not going to do it alone."

"Jace," Alec started, placing a hand on his shoulder. "I know being my brother hasn't been easy."

Jace laughed. "You're the one with the raw deal, always putting out the fires caused by my recklessness."

Alec smiled softly and Jace drew him into a hug. "I know you're always here for me, Jace," Alec said softly. "And when things are really bad, that knowledge keeps me going."

The boys drew apart and Jace nodded before opening the door. He could see the nervousness returning to his face as Magnus came into view.

"I'm just down the hall, Alec."

"I know," Alec said.

Jace nodded. As he walked away, he clenched his phone, knowing he was going to keep it by his side the whole time.

He hoped he was doing the right thing in trusting Magnus with his brother.

A/N: So, I thought that I would have both the Alec/Jace scene and the Alec/Magnus scene in this chapter but apparently they each need their own chapter. Sometimes the characters direct my writing instead of my writing directing the characters. Hopefully it wasn't too long winded...but I couldn't shorten Jace's interactions with Magnus or Alec. In the next chapter, we will finally have that long-awaited scene between Alec and Magnus. Hopefully the update will be much quicker than this one.

Please, let me know what you think. The feedback is so greatly appreciated!