A/N: Yet another delay between updates! I'm so sorry about that. This is a short chapter but please let me know what you think!

Disclaimer: The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Warnings: This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

Learning to Be

Chapter 22: Confrontation

Alec stood in front of the door leading to his parent's room. He could hear muffled voices inside.

"Alec, what's going on?" came his sister's voice from behind him.

Alec pressed his forehead against the door and sighed. Izzy's hand fell gently on his shoulder and Alec willed himself to stay still. "I'm fine, Izzy."

"Come on Alec, stop saying things that aren't real."

Izzy was right. He needed to talk about the truth. He moved away to dislodge her hand and rapped his knuckles against the door. He didn't wait for someone to open the door before entering the room. His mother was seated in a chair and his father was standing at the foot of the bed.

"Alec," Marsye said, her voice hoarse.

"Son..." Robert started.

Alec felt blood rushing to his face as he clenched his fingers into fists. He snorted out a harsh laugh. "Son? Really, dad?"

Maryse stood up. "Alec..." She started walking towards the teenager but Alec stepped back, almost bumping into Izzy who was standing in the doorway. "Stay where you are."

"He's gone, honey," she said, desperately.

"Do you want a fucking medal?" Alec snapped. "Parent of the year?"

"Alec, listen," Robert tried but Alec quickly cut him off.

"NO! You listen, father," he snapped, spitting out the last word. "If you expect me to stand here and thank you for chasing him away or something, you're both more deluded than I first thought."

From the corner of his eye he saw Jace approaching Izzy in the doorway. "Where's Max?" he heard Izzy whisper.

"With Magnus in Alec's room," Jace whispered back. "What's going on?"

Before Izzy could reply, Alec started speaking again. "Tell me, mom, dad," he started calmly. "You just suddenly decided that it wasn't a good idea to have that man here?"

Maryse looked helplessly at Robert.

"Let me guess. My siblings made you do it?"

Maryse looked away and it was obvious that Robert was struggling to maintain eye contact.

"You are supposed to love me," he hissed, trying not to sound vulnerable. "You have known me longer than anyone else and yet, my sixteen year-old sister and a boy who has known me for less than half my life are more concerned about my sanity than you!"

He bit his lip, willing the tears to remain hidden. "Because sometimes I feel like I am going insane!" He was yelling now. "Like I'm silently drowning and no one can hear my screams even though I'm surrounded by people."

Maryse tried to approach him again.

"NO! I said stay where you are!" He flung his arm in Jace's direction. "Jace tried. He was fucking 12 years old and had his own shit to deal with and yet he tried. But you, you just pretended that nothing had happened. Like you didn't just walk in on a grown man..." His voice hitched and he stumbled. Izzy grabbed him by the arm but he pulled away instinctively. "I didn't want to talk but you didn't even try. You didn't tell the Clave, you didn't make sure I was okay. I remember dad dragging him out of the room and mom taking me to the bathroom."

Alec wanted to disappear. He could feel his mother rubbing circles into his back as he continued to hide his face in his knees. The room was silent so he assumed everyone else had left. He pushed his face further into his knees. They had all witnessed his shame.

"Alec, baby, come on honey, let's get you out of here. Get you cleaned up." Her voice sounded pained. Alec felt his face flush with humiliation. He was so dirty. His mother wrapped a large towel over his shoulders and gently nudged him to stand up. Tears spilled down his face. Moving meant exposing more of himself, his nakedness, the blood, the man's fluids...his shame.

His mother moved to place one arm underneath his knees and another around his shoulders but before she could pick him up, he shifted away and slowly swung his legs over the bed, making sure the towel continued to cover him. He hissed in pain as he stood up but refused to look at his mother. He readjusted the towel so it was securely around him. He clutched the towel like it would hide his shame even as he felt wetness running down his thighs.

A part of him wanted to collapse in his mother's arms and let her carry him away from his nightmare but the part of him that was too ashamed to even look at his mother won out and he silently followed her to the bathroom, numbness taking over his body.

He stood motionlessly in the bathroom facing the shower as his mother stood behind him and gently pried away the towel. He felt his face flush some more as his mother gasped at his abused body. "Oh god," she whispered hoarsely. Her eyes seemed to burn a hole in his back.

From the corner of his eye he saw her pull out her stele. He leaned his forehead against the wall as the stele cut through his skin, over old iratzes that Manson had carved into his lower back, close enough to the worst of damage to be effective.

He barely registered her moving away and starting the shower. She had placed the towel back around his shoulders, the fluffy material stopping at his knees. He didn't move, the front of his body still leaning into the wall as the muffled sounds of water hitting tiles filled the room.

"Do you want me to stay here or wait outside?"

Alec reluctantly turned around, holding the sides of the towel together to make sure he was fully covered. He looked at the door and then back at his mother.

"Outside?" she asked.

Alec nodded.

"Okay, baby," she said as she reached out and squeezed his arms. He just stared blankly, too numb to even react.

"But that was it. You were both done. You moved my room and that it was it. You just pretended nothing happened. It didn't matter that I hadn't spoken in months. It didn't matter that you had seen him..." He closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. "He raped me," he whispered hoarsely, his voice catching.

He grabbed onto the edge of his parents' dresser. He had barely ever acknowledged the word let alone said it out loud. But he couldn't continue skirting around it as he confronted his parents. They had ignored it for so many years and Alec had let them.

"Every night for months and months and months. It was like he was insatiable and I was his all access buffet."

Tears ran down his mother's face and his father's face seemed flushed with anger.

"He would come into my room every night. He told me all kinds of things to keep me quiet...to keep me under his control. He would tell me that my parents wouldn't believe me...or that they wouldn't care."

Tears finally ran treacherously down his face. "And he was right! Sometimes I wonder how many things he was right about. Because he was right about you not caring."

"That's not true," Maryse said.

"If you fucking cared, he would be locked away," Alec yelled. "If you cared, you would have tried to figure out if I was all right all these years. If you fucking cared about me, you would have noticed that I was a terrified kid who didn't know how to escape his nightmare, who silently begged for you to notice that something was wrong. But every night, instead of being safe in my bed, I had a grown man literally tearing me apart for his own pleasure."

Maryse was sobbing and Robert's face was sheet white.

"Well, guess what, mom, dad, I'm not fucking okay." He walked up to his dad. "I'm a fucking mess. I have nightmares, flashbacks, damn panic attacks that terrify me. I'm so fucked up that I try to replace all that pain with the pain of dragging razors through my flesh." He pushed his sleeves up and shoved his arms in his father's face.

Maryse slapped her hand over her mouth and Robert stared disbelievingly down at his arms. Alec wanted to laugh. The visible scars barely scratched the surface of his problem. The rage was so deep, it didn't even register that he was revealing this secret.

"But instead of thinking about your child, you thought, let's bring that man that destroyed our son's childhood back into his life." He laughed manically. "Got to follow the Clave at all cost. Right dad? Show some guilt after you already decided to let him back into the Institute. Right mom? What was it that you said dad? It's okay to bring him back here because I'm too old for him to want to fuck and Max is too young. You're both so fucking pathetic!"

Maryse stared at Alec pathetically, frozen in place. "What can we do to make this better, Alec? I know it's confusing but we love you."

Alec ignored her. "I think about how destroyed I would be if this happened to Jace, Izzy or Max...I know I wouldn't be able to contain my rage. I thank the angel that they never had to experience it. I see Jace and Izzy dealing with my pain like it's their own and while it hurts to know I'm causing them pain, I wonder how my own parents didn't give a shit."

He turned away from them. Izzy and Jace stood in the doorframe watching everything unfold. He closed his eyes. "If you loved me enough, you would have pushed harder to figure out what was happening before Max stumbled upon it. If you loved me enough, Manson would have been locked away for four years now. I always felt invisible to you, but now I know that I actual am."

He felt a hand wrap around his forearm. He tried to flinch away but his mother turned him around and gripped his arms with both her hands.

"I know I have failed you."

Alec shook his head. He wanted nothing more than to melt into her arms. To accept her remorse like some sort of consolation prize so he could have her warmth. But the cost had been too high. He pulled away from her and turned to the doorway.

Izzy stepped forward and grabbed his hand. "Let's go Alec."

Alec nodded mutely.

They walked back to his room, Alec sandwiched between Izzy and Jace.

"Thank you. For getting rid of Manson. For dealing with all my crap," he said. "I may not have mom and dad but I know I'll always have you."

xxxxxx

Magnus was playing a game of checkers with Max when the remaining Lightwood children entered the room. Somberness instantly filled the space. Max smiled at his siblings but it faltered as he noticed Alec's expression.

"You're still sad, Alec."

Alec forced a smile on his face. He approached him and ruffled his hair. Max frowned and tried to fix his hair.

"Did you have fun at Clary's?"

"Yeah, she showed me a lot of manga."

Magnus almost smirked as Alec tried not to show his confusion.

Alec looked at Magnus before addressing the room. "I think I need to get some fresh air." He turned to Magnus and looked at him shyly. "Will you come with me?"

Magnus stood up and nodded. "Let's go, darling."

A/N: I haven't forgotten about the box. It will be coming up soon. I know that was a short chapter but next up, probably spanning two chapters, a step forward for Alec/Magnus, some discussion about pressing charges and some an honest conversation between Alec and Jace. I may have lost a few readers because of all the delays, but if you're reading this, please leave some comments. I so appreciate them!