A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews! You guys are so good to me. I seem to have lost readers after my major hiatus but you guys who are still reading keep me going! As you can see, I'm trying to get back to regular updating.

Disclaimer: The characters and universe belongs to Cassandra Clare.

Warnings: The italicized text in the chapter describes images of a graphic nature. Please skip them if you don't want to read it. This story deals with very sensitive subject matters, including sexual abuse of a minor (not explicitly described), internalized homophobia, self-destructive behavior, language and adult sexual content.

Learning to Be

Chapter 23: Never Before

Alec stood in the room silently. Everyone had filed out to give him a chance to change. He approached the dresser and his hand stilled at the edge. His body felt exhausted and drained. Had he really just confronted his parents?

Before he could venture further down that train of thought his eyes fell on the wooden box sitting innocently on one end of the dresser. He stared at it, his heart pounding and unwanted memories trying to force their way to the surface. "Fuck," he hissed before grabbing the box and shoving it deep into the top drawer, underneath layers of shirts. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to think about Manson or his parents or the contents of that box.

He just needed it all to stop. His instincts had him thinking about getting a razor out of the bathroom but instead he quickly grabbed some clothes and changed into them. He had other options. Magnus was waiting right outside the door.

"Ready?" the warlock asked as Alec stepped out of his room. He was leaning against the wall, dressed in the dark red jeans and black studded shirt he was wearing when he portalled to the Institute last night.

Alec smiled wanly. "Let's get out of here."

Alec followed Magnus out of the Institute, feeling like he had to be on high alert within the walls, even though he knew the threat was now gone. Once they were on the street, Alec fell into step beside Magnus.

"Where do you want to go?" Magnus asked.

"I don't know. I just needed to get out of that place."

"Back to my place, then? Or the park?"

"Your place sounds good. Don't particularly feel like being surrounded by strangers right now."

"I could make a portal."

Alec shook his head, guiltily. "You've already made two in the last two days because of me. We can take the subway. I'll glamour myself."

"How about we take a cab?"

The shadowhunter nodded. "That sounds good."

Alec sat stiffly in the cab as they raced down the FDR. At first, the muffled sounds of the driver's radio was the only sound filling the cab.

"I can't sit in silence. My thoughts will drive me insane," Alec finally said. "But..." He looked up at the driver.

Magnus waved his hand and then placed it over Alec's hand. "He can't hear us," he said, squeezing the teenager's hand gently.

Alec nodded thankfully and relaxed, intertwining his fingers into Magnus's and smiling shyly.

"So, do you want to tell me what happened? With your parents?"

Alec shrugged his shoulders. "I told them how I felt." He turned away from Magnus and looked out the window.

"How do you feel?"

Alec sighed, closing his eyes and leaning his head back. "I don't know. It's in the open, I guess. No more secrets, right? No more pretending that we're some perfect family."

"That took guts, Alec."

Alec laughed. "Once I started going, I couldn't stop."

"Maybe I'm a little jealous," Magnus added, ruefully.

Alec looked at him. "Jealous?"

"I never got the chance to confront my parents."

The Nephilim felt his heart skip a beat. He remembered Magnus explaining his tragic childhood at his party. He squeezed Magnus's hand, empathetically.

"I'm proud of you," Magnus said.

Alec couldn't comprehend how in the span of a few days, he went from living under a suffocating cloud of pain to spirally out of control to trusting somebody with more of himself than he ever had in the past.

"I don't think I would have been able to do it without you."

"I sorry that you lived in silence for all these years but I'm here now and I think you know that your siblings are too."

Alec nodded. He had a sudden desire to kiss the warlock and it terrified him. He looked away again. "I'm going to try...I want to be more open...but it's so hard. For so long, I've learned to keep everything inside and it's all I've known. It kept me safe."

"From what?"

"Being hurt."

"But Alec, you hurt yourself instead."

"I know," Alec whispered.

Before Magnus could respond the cab driver stopped the car and looked back. "We're here."

Alec jerked his head up. "Right," he said, feeling slightly flustered. He dug out his wallet. "I got this."

Magnus started to protest but Alec shook his head and handed the man a twenty. "You wouldn't be taking a cab if it wasn't for me."

xxxxxxx

"Do you want some breakfast?" Magnus asked once they were inside his apartment.

"Sure," Alec said. "I can help."

Magnus laughed and shook his head while snapping his fingers. Take out bags appeared on the kitchen table and Magnus immediately went to the cupboards and started pulling plates out.

"I don't think I'll ever get used to all this snapping things into existence," Alec muttered as he started pulling out containers of food.

"I'm only moving things that already exist."

"Hence the stealing I mentioned before."

Magnus chuckled again as the boys settled into chairs. "Like I've said before, I paid for it."

"And they're not confused with the sudden disappearance of food and appearance of money out of no where?"

"Don't worry your pretty little head over it, darling."

Alec raised an eyebrow in mock offense and laughed.

"Maybe we can actual go out for a meal sometime soon and we'll exchange goods for money the old fashioned way," Magnus said between bites of his french toast.

Alec bit his lip and looked down.

"Listen Alec, I'm not going to push you."

Alec looked up, his eyes shining. "I'm scared."

"I know."

"I...I really..." Alec gulped and forced himself to maintain eye contact. "I want to kiss you." His cheeks flushed and he dropped his fork, his hand shaking.

"You can," Magnus said softly.

Alec shook his head and pushed his chair back. He started walking to the bathroom but Magnus was close behind him.

"Alec, stop."

Alec spun around. "Everything I've ever known has told me that these feelings are wrong."

"They are not wrong, Alec."

"What Manson did was wrong..."

"What Manson did was more than wrong, Alec. He did things to you without your consent. He took advantage of a child."

Alec closed his eyes.

"Manson is a sick man, Alec. Don't ever compare your feelings to him."

He tried to stifle a sob. "I...at first, I only ever felt pain and humiliation."

Magnus leaned his back against a wall to give Alec space.

"But then...sometimes...oh God..." Alec's whole face was red. "I would..."

"You were thirteen, right?"

Alec nodded mutely.

"You were going through puberty, Alec."

"I...I liked Jace...I was so scared...I didn't want to like him, Magnus. And then Manson...I...when he did things to me..."

"Sometimes you got hard...even ejaculated." Magnus spoke as gently as possible.

"DON'T" Alec screamed, turning his head away and squeezing his eyes shut, tears spilling free.

Magnus reached out and touched his shoulder. Alec jerked away.

"It was out of your control, Alec."

"H-how can you say that? It's my body."

"Our bodies are designed to react to certain stimulations, regardless of if you want it or not."

"Because I like g-guys?"

"No, Alec, straight or gay, your body would have reacted the same way to the things Manson did."

"You're just saying these things."

Magnus shook his head. "I'll never lie to you Alec. And I could show you a lot of literature that would tell you the same things."

"I don't know..."

"It's okay, this is all going to take time."

Alec nodded and bit his bottom lip. "At first I thought...I don't want to like you..." Alec whispered.

Alec ran his hand through his hair. "But if I'm being honest, it's not that I don't want to like you...it's that I don't want to be scared to like you." He laughed harshly. "That sounds so convoluted."

Magnus brushed his hand against Alec's hair. Alec didn't move. "I get it."

"I don't want to be scared."

Magnus nodded, his piercing golden eyes examining Alec's face. "It's okay."

"I...I want to kiss you," Alec repeated his words from earlier. Alec's voice was so soft, it was barely audible. He hid his eyes under his long black lashes.

"You can," Magnus repeated his response, dropping his hand to his side and giving him space.

Alec's hands were shaking but he moved forward and quickly pressed his closed lips against Magnus's lips but pulled away almost instantly, gasping and looking down.

Magnus snaked his fingers into Alec's. "It's okay, darling."

Alec nodded and looked up again. There was determination in Alec's eyes now. He wasn't going to let some bastard ruin the good things in his life. It was obvious that Magnus wasn't going to make the first move and Alec felt overwhelmed with appreciation. He licked his lips and moved forward again, tilting his head up and parting his lips slightly as he captured Magnus's bottom lip between his and sucked softly on it. Slowly, he felt the pressure of Magnus's lips encompassing his upper lip and he relaxed his body, wrapping his arms around Magnus's neck. Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec's waist and Alec felt a tinge of terror but pushed it aside, focusing on the light sensation of being close to someone safe...someone he trusted...someone he wanted to be close to like this.

Magnus drew him closer and Alec opened his mouth, inviting Magnus further in, his tongue accepting the invitation. Suddenly there was an urgency to the kiss, tongue and teeth and lips dancing passed each other as the two boys explored each other. There chests were flush against each other and Alec was certain that Magnus could feel the pounding of his heart vibrating against his skin. Every nerve in his body seemed to be on fire, electricity racing through his body in a way that was amazing and exhilarating.

Finally, Alec pulled away, his body desperate for air. His heart was still racing. He was scared to look at Magnus. He pressed his forehead against Magnus's chest, breathing heavily. Magnus pressed his lips against his hairline.

Alec felt so free. He didn't feel pain, humiliation or terror when he was kissing Magnus. It didn't feel wrong like he had convinced himself in his mind.

"You're amazing," Magnus mumbled.

"No..."

Magnus gently held Alec's chin and tilted his head up and placed a finger against his lips. "You are amazing. That's not up for discussion."

"Well, you're pretty much perfect, Magnus."

Magnus grinned. "I know."

Alec hit him playfully and smiled.

"Don't worry darling, I'll lift your ego and you can bring mine down a notch," Magnus said, chuckling lightly.

"I don't want to do that. I like it."

"We'll see," Magnus said playfully. "Now, can I kiss your perfect lips again?"

Alec blushed and nodded.

This time Alec stood still and let Magnus bend down and capture his lips. Alec stumbled forward and pushed Magnus against the wall. Magnus's hands were on his hips and Alec pressed his hands on his chest as they kissed, Alec's unpracticed motions matched by Magnus's expertise as the kiss deepened.

They pulled apart again and Alec didn't look away this time. He smiled shyly. "I've never been kissed before," he whispered.

Alec could see Magnus hiding his surprise quickly. Alec didn't want to say Manson's name in the moment but the one thing Manson didn't do to him was kiss him on the lips.

Magnus drew his fingers into Alec's hair and tried to tame the locks. He smiled softly but before he could say anything, Alec heard his phone ring.

"Do you have to pick it up?"

Alec nodded apologetically. "It could be an emergency." He reluctantly pulled away from the warlock and dug his phone out of his pocket.

"It's Jace."

He flipped the phone open and pressed it to his ear. "Hey Jace."

"Are you still with Magnus?"

"Yeah."

"We need you to come back to the Institute. We just got word that a werewolf child has gone missing. Bring Magnus. We might need his help."

Alec frowned. "Okay, we're on our way."

"What's going on?" Magnus asked.

"A werewolf child has gone missing. We might need your help," he repeated apologetically.

Now Magnus was frowning too. "Okay, let's go."

xxxxxx

"You shouldn't have asked him to come," Izzy hissed at Jace. Jace was leaning against a wall in the kitchen and their parents stood behind the counter, looking at the children.

"He spent all these years keeping secrets from us. I'm not about start keeping secrets from him now."

"What secrets?" Alec said as he stepped into the room, Magnus close behind him. Jace hadn't even heard the elevator.

"Alec, that was quick."

"We took a portal."

"What is he doing here?" Maryse said, eyeing Magnus suspiciously.

"This is a friend of ours," Alec said. Jace could tell that he was trying to keep his nerves in check. "Magnus Bane."

"I know who he is," Maryse said disdainfully.

Alec stared at her angrily. "He healed me after I was attacked by Abbadon. Although we've already established that my wellbeing isn't necessarily a concern of yours," he said, his words dripping with contempt.

Maryse looked away, like Alec had slapped her. Jace had to refrain from smiling spitefully at the exchange.

"Alec tells me that a child of the moon has disappeared?" Magnus said, interrupting the tense glares being exchanged by the Lightwoods.

Izzy sighed and nodded, watching Alec carefully.

"He's been missing for two days now but they only reported it to us now," Maryse started. "The pack's attempts to find him have failed."

"Okay," Alec started. "Do we have a picture of the child?"

"Alec, listen, before I show you this picture," Jace started.

Alec looked at his family, no doubt seeing the stormy expressions on their faces. "What the hell is going on?"

Jace picked up his phone and walked over to Alec. Reluctantly, he placed the phone in his hand and Alec looked down.

The gasp that escaped Alec's lips was almost instantaneous.

The photo on the small screen was that of a 13 to 14-year-old boy with messy black hair and bright blue eyes. The resemblance of the child to Alec at that age was uncanny.

Magnus slipped the phone out of his hand, his eyes turning dark as he looked at the picture. "How old is this child?"

"13," Izzy replied.

Alec let out a strangled scream and slammed his fist into a nearby wall. "Fuck," he hissed.

Jace grabbed his fist in his hands, torn skin and blood gracing his knuckles. Alec rarely displayed rage like this. "Don't Alec. Don't hurt yourself."

"This isn't about me," Alec snapped. He spun around and looked at his parents. "Are you happy? Looks like he found a replacement!" He turned and looked at his siblings. "We need to find him. Now."

Izzy nodded. "That's why we asked for you, Magnus. We're hoping you can locate him."

Magnus nodded. Jace watched him as Magnus eyed Alec's bloody knuckles, like he wanted to approach him but wasn't sure what Alec would want in front of his parents.

"Let me apply an iratze, Alec," Jace said. Alec reluctantly gave Jace his hand.

"I will need something of value that belongs to the boy."

Izzy grabbed her jacket. "I'll go talk to Luke."

"That won't be necessary," Alec muttered.

"What?" Izzy said.

"I have something that belongs to Manson."

Izzy looked at him, horrified. "No, Alec, I'll talk to Luke."

"That's a waste of time," Alec snapped, drawing his healing hand away. "I'll be right back."

Jace watched Alec disappear. "What does he have, Izzy?" he asked. He did not like the expression on Izzy's face.

Magnus expression was equally upsetting. "Izzy, can you bring me a map."

"Sure," she mumbled.

"Bane, what is going on?" Robert said.

"Magnus?" Jace said at the same time. "What does Alec have?"

Before Magnus could say anything Izzy and Alec reentered the kitchen. Izzy silently handed Magnus the map and he spread it over the table. She glared at the small wooden box that Alec held in his hand.

"What's in the box, Alec?" Jace said.

Alec didn't say anything. He silently handed it to Magnus.

Magnus held the box disdainfully and started to chant.

Jace watched Alec as Magnus performed the tracking spell. He was wringing his hands absently as he watched Magnus.

Magnus frowned. "It's not working."

"The box is not what's valuable to him," Alec muttered. "It's what's inside."

Alec took the box back and snapped the latch open.

"No, Alec," Izzy whispered.

"We don't have any time," Alec said. He opened the box and Jace could see pieces of paper stacked inside the box. He stepped closer to get a better look. No, they were photos. Alec pulled a few out. He could hear the Lightwood parents gasping.

He looked closer before snapping his hand over his mouth to stop himself from cursing out loud. He turned away quickly but the images were already etched into his mind.

Alec's naked body against a wall, his chest and hands pressed against the surface, his face turned towards the camera. Tear stains cut through his face. His blue eyes staring hopelessly. His back, backside and legs exposed with dark, angry bruises littering his hips, backside and thighs.

Frozen images of lost innocence.

Alec, naked again, on his knees, looking up, the same blue eyes, wide, staring, almost hollow-like. This time bruises were around his mouth and jaw and neck. A thick white substance splattered on his face and down his chest.

Jace almost gagged. He stumbled back and grouped for the wall behind him to steady himself. Manson took pictures. His hands were shaking and he felt like there were black spots dancing behind his eyelids, the anger and rage building up quickly inside of him. He clenched his jaw and tried to breathe through the anger, knowing it had no place in the room right now. But when he got his hands on that man...

Magnus had taken one look at the pictures Alec had handed him and turned them over. Jace was sure he heard the warlock curse under his breath. He was chanting again. Izzy had walked over to Alec and tried to pry the box out of his hand.

"No," Alec muttered.

"You don't want these, Alec."

"They are pictures of me. I don't want anyone else to have them."

"I know, Alec. But..."

"I have a location," Magnus interrupted.

Alec nodded and grabbed the pictures out of Magnus's grasp and shoved them back into the box, snapping the latch closed.

"Thank you, Magnus," Izzy managed to say.

"I'm going to change into hunting gear. I'll meet you by the elevators," Alec announced quickly, his voice sounding hollow. He spun on his heels and fled the suffocating room, the box still held tightly in his hands.

Jace watched him go and a part of him wanted to leave before Alec returned. Spare him the pain of facing Manson.

But the part of him that valued Alec's trust would not break it.

A/N: I thought there would be more fluff but even the fluff ended up angsty! But they kissed! Please let me know what you guys thought about the Malec scene and the development in the latter part of the chapter. Some of this was very hard to write but like I said, I want to be honest in this story.

Also, a little bit about Alec's mind at the end...as it was from Jace's POV...he is so focused on getting the child back that he's not thinking about himself when he's handling the box.