Steve

Steve was now getting all her stuff and putting it into bins. He opened her dresser and he pulled out all of her shirts and he tossed them into the bins. He felt horrible, the person who has his heart doesn't even remember that they were in a relationship. Also she is back to being disconnected from him. He never noticed how distant she use to be, they had gotten close after Red Skull, and now all that was gone. Steve felt himself get angry and he found himself throwing her clothes rather unconventionally into the bins and he threw a dresser drawer at the wall and broke it. He exhaled and he grabbed the drawer and he held the broken piece in his other hand and he tossed them onto the bed. He had collected all of her things and he carried them one by one to her room in the tower.

Every time he returned to take another bin made him feel worse. He took the last bin in and he put it down on the floor and he made the project of putting all of her stuff away. Neatly and cleanly, like she never left the room. Steve noticed he did it a little to neatly and he went back and roughed up some of the clothes so it looked more like someone who lived there and not like a guy from the army folded all your clothes and went through you underwear. Steve walked to her door and he looked back at her room and he sighed and shut off the light and closed the door.

Steve still had another place to go, his apartment. Natasha had her things there to, but he would have to return those things to her own apartment in New York. Steve walked to the elevator and he went down to the garage and he got into a truck. He would have taken the motorcycle, but he needed to transport things, so motorcycle not a good idea. Steve drove out of the tower and he turned off his phone, he didn't want to talk to anyone at the moment.

He came to his apartment and he walked up to his door and opened it. He walked into the clean apartment and he walked through the living room. He walked down his hallway and he passed a picture on the wall and he looked at it. He found himself looking more at himself in the reflection that the actual picture. His beard had begun to get longer and his hair was back to normal. He sighed and he felt his heart ache and he walked into his room and he saw all of her stuff at the night stand that she claimed as hers. Steve clenched his jaw and he swallowed and took a step forward. He grabbed her watch that she wore on occasion. He held it in his hand and he didn't feel like putting it back. He felt tears beginning to form again and he sniffed and toss the watch back and he took a deep breath to calm himself down. He gathered all her things and he carried it out of the room and he didn't notice that he dropped something on the floor. A piece of paper with his name on it, he left it and closed the door. Not even knowing that it fell out of the bin.

Steve carried the bin out to the truck and he placed it into the passenger seat. He got in and put the key into the ignition and the truck rumbled to life. Steve was driving down the road and he was trying to not think about anything. He glanced over to his right, toward the bin and he saw it disappear and he saw Natasha sitting there and she gave him the little smirk that he liked. Steve took his eyes off the road and he stared at her and he watched her laugh and then he noticed someone was honking at him. Steve looked up and he was about to hit truck head on. He swerved and missed it and he felt his heart rate jump and start to beat rapidly. He exhaled in relief and he looked back over at the passenger side and Natasha wasn't there anymore. Her things in that bin were the only things in that seat. Steve turned his head back toward the road and he turned a left toward her apartment.

When he got there, it seemed like something from a memory. Seeing Natasha walk out of her apartment and himself wondering what her apartment looked like. Steve parked the truck and he carried the bin to her door. He opened the door and he walked in. The place was covered in dust and he knew that she never really went back there after they got together, but now he knew she would return. He put her stuff away where it was appropriate to have them and he decided to clean her apartment. He made it look like she cleaned a day ago and he sat down on her couch and he laid his head back.

He couldn't believe this was happening to him again. First he loses Peggy, now Natasha. Maybe Clint is right, it could just be temporary amnesia and she could regain her memory. Maybe he was overreacting to this. Steve looked around the apartment and he rubbed his eyes and he stood up and walked toward the door and he left the apartment and he walked out toward the truck. Steve climbed in and he turned on the truck again and drove back toward the tower, maybe Banner has some answers.

Steve parked his truck in the garage and he opened the door and climbed down and he slammed the door shut, maybe a little too hard. Steve took a step forward and he saw Clint walking toward him.

"We have been trying to get a hold of you for two hours" Clint said

"Has something happened?" Steve asked, a part of him was hoping she remembered something about them.

"We found out about Nat's situation" Clint said

"Well, what is her situation?"

"Well, I'm going to dumb it down so you'll understand, Banner talked all science and he had to switch to English"

"As usual" Steve said almost smiling

"Yeah, anyway. Nat sadly will never regain the memories of what happened during those four months" Clint said

Steve's heart instantly sank and he felt like Clint had stabbed him with an arrow.

"Yeah I know, it sucks. Apparently though all the stuff she did over and over again is still there muscle memory."

"Well that's something" Steve said still not too thrilled even with that result.

"Hey Cap, don't worry. I'm sure you guys will make up, eventually"

"Yeah, and how is her standing on opening up?" Steve asked, already knowing the answer

Clint hesitated on that one "Well, she is basically still very detached and a little distant. She is different from how she was with you" Clint said

Steve nodded his head and clenched his jaw "Yeah I thought so" Steve said and he walked away

Clint looked confused and a little hurt "Hey, it's not perfect, but be happy enough that she can remember your guy's partnership and also I might add have hidden feelings for you" Clint said

Steve turned and he looked very unlike the Steve Rogers who woke up three days ago, hoping to see Natasha wake up. "Barton, can you talk to her, have a good laugh, hug her, maybe put your arm around her?"

Clint was silent for a few moments "Yes" he said and he seemed uncomfortable saying it as Steve was staring at him.

"Then don't tell me everything is fine, be happy she remembers you, I can't even hold her hand. I can't get near her without getting a fucking weird death glare!" Steve said loudly and he stormed off and walked into the elevator

Clint was taken back by Steve's words, and the fact that he heard Steve curse. He never actually heard that word ever come out of Steve's mouth. Clint knew in a way he was right, and in a way Steve was right, but from Steve's point of view. Everything that Clint just said was completely wrong. Clint was a little out of his depth, he hadn't lost as much as Steve, he couldn't possibly know how he was feeling. What worried him was what he would do.

Steve felt the elevator stop and the door opened and Tony walked in. Steve really didn't need this right now, but he put on his best pleasant face he had.

"Hey Capsicle"

"Hello Stark" Steve said

"Sucks about what happened to red right?"

Steve tried not to lose focus by Natasha being mentioned "Yeah it does, but it could have been worse"

"Yeah, she could have forgotten all about this was could have been the same chick from the KGB all those years ago"

Steve really wanted to get onto a different topic "Anything planned Stark?"

Tony looked at Steve "I see you are trying to make small talk, you miss me that much?"

Of course he would make it about him, the self-absorb jackass "No, just what's happening, any plans I should know of?"

"Well, in any case. I am throwing a party for our red and her great return"

"Well that will be nice" Steve said

"Yeah, I thought about going down a notch, but I kind of kept it the same"

"Would that mean models?" Steve asked

"Ah you know me so well Capsicle"

"Just Tony, don't set them loose on me, it will ruin the party."

The elevator doors opened and Steve walked out wanting to get as far away from Tony as possible.

"Its tomorrow night" Tony yelled, knowing Steve would hear him

Tony raised his eyebrows, Steve never call him Tony, it was almost like poison to his ears, but just this once he wouldn't have the models droll all over him. He seemed different than usual.

Steve opened his door to his room and he walked in and he saw Natasha standing next to his dresser. Steve stopped in his tracks and his heart began to race. He recalled the memory of her standing in his plaid shirt that was too big for her and how it was unbuttoned and she looked her breasts would come out at any moment. Now she was wearing jeans and a black shirt. She noticed Steve and she stared slightly, not wanting to give herself away. She moved her eyes down his body and she stopped to admire his abs, which were being hugged by his shirt. Then she noticed that he had a beard.

"When did you grow that?" Natasha asked

Steve seemed uncomfortable "I grew it so I could fit in a little bit in the prison so I could get you out" Steve said, a lie, but a partial one.

"Well, I came here wondering if my partner would like to join me for me for a drink"

Steve smirked at the situation, but it wasn't a happy smirk. He really didn't want to go, but he knew he couldn't just turn off the friendship "Sure, just give me a sec" Steve said passing her and he felt his heart rate spike again when he smelled her perfume.

"How's the leg?" Steve asked

"Good as new, and a little sore, but I'll be fine"

"Good to hear" Steve said

"Yeah, so you choose the bar, or I choose"

"I trust your judgment on places to drink more than mine"

"Very true, well we'll just go to my regular spot"

"Ok, lead on" Steve said

Natasha turned and walked toward his door, Steve had to stop himself from staring at her. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he could do this, right?

They entered a bar and Steve was hesitant to enter, he swallowed and he opened the door. He found Natasha already ordering drinks and she was sitting at the bar. Steve walked up and sat next to her. Steve put both is hands on the bar and he blinked rapidly and he felt her hand brush past his coat. He tried not to shutter as she passed him his drink.

Steve took it and quickly downed it and he felt the burn as the fluid flowed down his throat.

"Slow down Steve, it's not a race" Natasha said and she took a sip of hers.

Steve motioned the bartender for another. Natasha put her glass down and looked at Steve. He seemed different than usual. He was always more to himself in public places, but this seemed more than that, it seemed as if something was knowing at him.

"You ok?" Natasha asked a little concerned

Steve looked at her and he casted his eyes to the bar "Yeah I'm fine" Steve said

Natasha knew he was lying, he was a terrible liar. She took another sip of her drink and she decided to keep going.

"You don't seem ok"

"I guess, I'm still shaken up from the Gulag" Steve said

"Come on Rogers, we've been through worse" Natasha said not believing him for a second.

"Look Nat, I'm just…" Steve sighed and looked away

"Just what?" Natasha asked

"I'm just going through a rough patch that's all"

"Steve, I've seen you go through rough patches, this isn't one of them" Natasha said

Steve knew that she thought she had seen it all, this is the first time he felt this way since his first year back. The complete unknown and just when he thought he had some stable ground, it's ripped out from under his feet. He didn't know where to go from here. Steve Nodded and he knew the Natasha that was with him for three months would remember what he told her about his first year back, this one had no idea.

"Look, I'm fine. I can get through it, I've gone through it once I can do it again" Steve said more to himself than to Natasha

Natasha didn't like where his head was at "Steve what's wrong?"

Steve was quiet for a long time and he didn't want to lie to her, he clenched his jaw and spoke "Just some relationship problems"

"You have a girlfriend?" Natasha asked slightly taken back by the image of Steve with a woman and him walking next to her, most likely holding her hand. Why did she get this feeling of anger toward whoever the woman was? She wasn't jealous or was she. Anyway that would mean he is taken, or soon to be single. He did say problems.

"I had, she isn't here right now, well she is just the way I want her to be" Steve said he meant Natasha the entire time.

"What's her name?" Natasha asked

Steve without thinking said the first name that came to his mind "Nat"

Natasha widened her eyes at the name. Steve seeing his mistake and he said a full name, not a stupid nick name.

"Natalie" Steve said

Natasha nodded her head "So not that nurse"

"I did date her for about a month, it just didn't work out" Steve said slightly remembering Sharon.

"How long have you had a girlfriend?" Natasha asked

"It would be four months this month, but I've known her for a couple years" Steve said

"You've known her?"

"Well, she works at this café and I stop by there a lot" Steve said completely lying

"So Steven Rogers has a girlfriend"

"Had, she kind of walked out" Steve said slightly frowning

Natasha's smile disappeared and she suddenly felt a little bit of joy enter her, so he is single.

"So enough about me, talk about something else" Steve said

"Well, ah yes my file. Do you still have it?" She asked

"I did" Steve said

Panic entered Natasha's mind who the hell did he give it to? Steve knew how she would have reacted to that so he added "I burned it" Steve said

"You burned it?" Natasha asked shocked that he would have actually burned her file when he could have read it, unless he did read it.

"Did you read it?"

"The cover, the small print of your name, that is it, I don't even know what you covers are" Steve said

"Well, all but one was useless, ever since we put S.H.I.E.L.D.'s secrets out on the internet all my covers have been completely wiped."

"Yeah, well at least you can be you" Steve said

"Yeah I guess, if me is anything special"

"You're special, and…" Steve had to stop himself then he continued "Smart, and funny" Steve added quickly He almost said sexy.

"Well I guess you know what to say to everyone, you could make a good motivational speaker"

Steve chuckled, everyone was saying that lately, it was starting to get annoying.

They spent four more hours in that bar and they just talked and had a good time. Steve almost forgot that she didn't remember that they had a relationship. When they returned to the tower and she went to her room, that sobered his mind up and he remembered and his smile disappeared and he walked back to his room. He opened the door and closed it and he walked into his bedroom and fell onto the bed and passed out, wanting to sleep and wake up and then all of it would be gone, because it all still felt like a bad dream.

Steve could feel his legs moving, he was running. He could feel the wet pavement under his bare feet. He ran onto a car and jumped to another one. He climbed one last one and jumped for a taxi. Steve held onto the sides and then bullets flew up out of the roof of the car. Steve felt the car slam its brakes and he flew off of it. Steve rolled and then he was in a cold forest and he blocked a Hydra weapon blast with his shield and Bucky ran up and shot the man. Steve threw the shield and it smacked a soldier in the chest and he fell back and fired his gun and it hit a vehicle and it exploded.

Steve shifted in his sleep and he slightly mumbled something. He shuttered and he stirred again. He could feel the cold air and he felt the wind rushing past his face. How the bitter coldness was suddenly stopped and Steve could see the distant artic water. It was so quiet and He felt alone, even though he could hear Peggy's voice it all seemed to fade away. He felt the bomber crash into the ice cold water and he was thrown back and he hit the hull of the plane. He hit the floor and the water began to rush in, Steve saw the compass with Peggy's picture on it and he ran and went to grab it. The plane shifted and turned in the cold water and Steve was thrown across the plane and he smacked into the hull and he felt the cold water up to his knees and he felt the air from his lungs begin to leave as the water quickly flowed up to his chest.

Steve felt the plan jerk as the wing fell into the water and Steve was tossed like a rag doll through the water and he smacked into a railing and all the air was launched out of his lungs. He swallowed cold water and he felt it burn all the way down and it felt like a fire was set in his chest. Steve lost feeling in his feet and hands and he swam back up for air. Steve popped up and he had just enough head room for air. He sucked in all the air he could and he felt the water rising. He couldn't feel his body, he felt frozen and alone. He tried to think about Peggy's voice, but he couldn't. He was too cold to think straight. He felt the water cover over him and he sunk down as the air was slowly draining from his lungs. He stopped moving and he stayed very still and he had his eyes opened and he felt them begin to burn from the cold freezing water.

Steve saw his compass float past him and he reached for it and he got his hand around it and he gripped as tight as he could. He needed some form of comfort and he opened it and looked at Peggy's face; one last time. He closed the compass and he saw huge chunks of ice fall into the hull and fly toward him. They engulfed him and hit him and made him sink to the very end of the bomber and he was stuck with heavy ice all around him. He could barely move or think. He closed his eyes slowly and he watched as the picture of all the ice around him slowly faded away. He felt cold bitterness, and he felt more alone than he ever had before, but this was his choice. This was so Peggy and Howard, and the Coronel could live, he wasn't the most devote Catholic but if there was an afterlife, something beyond the difficulty of life. Where he had heard many times before that there would be no more pain, or sorrow, or death. He could live with that. Steve felt all the air leave him and he felt himself fall asleep as it were, maybe it was all worth it, yes it was worth it.

Steve's eyes shot open and he sat up really fast holding his chest and gasping for air. He was covered in sweat and he had tears flowing from his eyes. He shivered and he felt cold and he shuttered and he put his hand to his eyes and he sobbed. He thought he was back in that bomber all alone, the one feeling he never want to feel again. He was relived not to be and he reached over to the right side of the bed and he found no one there. He felt tears reform in his eyes and he felt the gnawing pain that Natasha wasn't there anymore. He longed to feel her next to him, and to see her smile and look into her eyes and become completely and utterly lost in them. He longed for her hand in his, lips against his, her arms around him, and his around her. Holding her in his arms and listening to her heart beat as he fell asleep. He sobbed again and he moved over and stood up and walked toward the bathroom.

He felt himself calm down and he turned on the faucet and splashed cold water onto his face. He looked at himself in the mirror and at his beard. He clenched his jaw and he put his hand into a fist and he punched the mirror and it shattered. He took a breath and turned on the shower and walked in.

Early that next morning…

Steve was walking into the hallway and he smelled breakfast. He felt his mouth water at the smell of it hash browns, bacon, and eggs. He walked out and he saw Natasha in the kitchen and she was making breakfast. Steve remembered that her muscle memory was still intact, so she knew how to cook. He felt a gnawing pain in his gut that he taught her and now she would doesn't even remember. Steve was about to turn away when she noticed him.

"Morning Steve, come have breakfast with me. I'm cooking this time" she said with a smile

Steve didn't want to, but he smiled back and walked into the kitchen and watched her cook the exact breakfast he cooked every morning for both of them. She placed the plate in front of him and had his portions just right.

"Who knew I was a good cook" Natasha said

"You never tried before?" Steve asked trying to play oblivious

"Never tried breakfast, well maybe I'm just more suited to make breakfast" Natasha said sitting down next to him and beginning to eat.

"Maybe" Steve said

"Do you think you can make some that awesome coffee of yours?" she asked

"Sure" Steve said smiling and he stood up and his eggs were already gone.

Clint walked up and he stopped when he saw them both in the kitchen and he thought they were making up, lied he hoped. He had Bucky on the phone and he backed away and he was out of sight, but he could still see them.

"How is he?" Bucky asked

"I don't know. When I do see him he acts fine and smiles, but after that I have no idea"

"How did he take the news with Natasha?"

"Not good, and now they aren't together anymore"

"Damn"

"Yeah, she doesn't remember a thing about them, but I do know she had hidden feelings for him"

"Yeah and when did she get the motivation to go act on those?"

"When she talked to Banner about it, but now she doesn't remember it, at all"

"Then she won't act on it" Bucky said

"I know her well, how do you know she won't?"

"Because, she won't do anything that she thinks she isn't good enough for or deserves it"

"Well you know her pretty well"

"I did train her for years, and I taught her everything she knows" Bucky said

"Yeah thanks for that" Clint said

Clint watched as Steve handed Natasha her mug and he flinched slightly as he hand touched his. Natasha went along drinking the coffee and Steve turned his back, but Clint could still see his face. He had his jaw clenched and he had his hand in a fist and he wiped his eyes. Clint shook his head.

"Barnes, its eating him up inside. I can just tell"

"This will be the second time he has gone through losing someone he loves"

"But he hasn't lost her she's right there"

"Yeah, but is she the same as before, you know touchy and googily eyes and laughing with him and having her arm around his?"

"No, well except for the laughing part"

"Then he feels like he lost her, after he went into the ice Peggy got married and had kids. She is still alive and he feels like he lost her to" Bucky said

"I see your point" Clint said and looked at Steve "How can he just put on a smile and act happy if he is so damn miserable?"

"Barton, its Steve. He always was good at it"

"Yeah, but how do you live with the feeling of something eating at you?"

"You let it hurt for a while and then it dulls, but the pain is never really gone"

"So you just become numb to it?"

"Never, you just learn to live with it, but Steve already is numb to the thing with Peggy. I know what happened his first year back, and he is acting the same way, it may get worse before it gets better"

"He looks fine, but I can tell when he looks away that he's a wreck"

"What did he do for Natasha, like helping wise?"

"Uh, he got her to open up a little more, he bought her ear rings, and he taught her how to cook breakfast" Clint's face went slack "Oh shit"

"What?"

"I think Natasha just made breakfast"

"Since her muscle memory is still intact he is going to see everything he did for her and she won't remember him for it. It's going to tear him apart, the thing with Peggy was about what it could have been. But now with Natasha it's what it was. Damn, try and keep a good eye on him"

"Two eyes, as often as I can spare them, but I'm busy enough on my own"

"Just do your best"

"How's the hunt for Niko?"

"I'm out of leads, but I know he'll pop up eventually"

"Don't forget the man that caused this isn't captured or dead, which probably makes him think it's all his fault"

"Yeah, he will, he can help others, but it seems he can't help himself very well"

"Everyone has their demons, even Steve" Clint said

"Yeah, and it seems the only one that can help him in the long run is a red head" Bucky said

"Yeah, I'll stay in touch" Clint said and he hung up the phone and he looked back at Steve and Natasha.

They were both laughing and it looked like Steve wasn't faking that, but whenever he wasn't being seen by her his eyes would change from how he usually looked to a solemn star and he looked like he was in pain the entire time. He knew he had to watch him closely, but he was busy for half the day, he just had to hope Steve could handle it. Of course he could handle it he's Captain America, but again; everyone has a breaking point, even him.