Steve
Steve had spent the morning with Natasha and he had a good time. He just felt like something was missing, which there was. Steve had went out for a walk without telling anyone. He just wanted to be alone for a bit, clear his head. He had his coat on and the wind was cold, but he didn't care. He didn't like the cold, but he could deal with it. He walked along the sidewalk and he kept his head down and he walked past hundreds of people. He made his way to the park and he walked along its paths for what seemed like hours. Steve soon found himself sitting on a bench with his hands together and he was leaning forward and resting his chin on his hands.
Steve thought back to a moment that he gave Natasha those ear rings at Christmas. He smiled at the memory of her smile, he thought of another moment on the Quinjet, just before he jumped out of it without a parachute.
"You doing anything fun this Saturday night?"
He chuckled at the question and he sat back and he looked at the partly cloudy sky and the sun was peeking out from behind a cloud. He smiled and he wished that he was back there, those two years of being her partner, challenging as they might have been, he enjoyed it. That was when things made sense, to a point. Steve didn't like wandering aimlessly. He liked to see where he was going, and at that very moment, he hadn't a clue of where to go from here. He could do what Clint said all along and tell her about the relationship and have Clint back him up. It may be messy, but he thought it could work. Yet Steve had this feeling it would just make things awkward, and that would mean they wouldn't work very well together. He lost the intimate relationship, he didn't want to lose the working one to.
Steve found it infuriating about what to do, he could just get over her and move on, but he didn't want to do that. He could do what Clint suggested and try to work out the problem, he thought about doing that numerous times this morning, but something always stopped him. He really needed to get a grip, he was making it harder on himself, but he guessed that was a flaw in his character. Captain America, has a problem with change. Steve didn't have a problem with change, but when it directly affected him he did, but he guessed that was human.
He wasn't the stone hard soldier that he was made out to be in those documentary films. Sure he was brave and he wasn't afraid of much, but he was broken and he knew it. He guessed that this must have been how Natasha felt when they both stared their relationship, lost and hurt. He took in a deep calming breath and he stood up. He began to walk back to the tower and he made the decision to tell Natasha about the relationship. He just felt like something had been torn away from him and he felt like his identity was being stripped away. He needed to not be affected by things that he helped her with and be happy that she still had that at least. Steve didn't know why he would suddenly snap whenever he saw something he helped do and then get no acknowledgment for it, maybe it was selfishness. It probably was, but he missed the way she used to look at him, the times when they were alone and it was just him and her. Together and now he was alone at night, and his nightmares had returned. He had the theory that the whole situation was hitting a nerve with undealt with trauma from being put into the ice and losing almost everything. Steve was good with turning things off and getting the job done, even if he died in the process. But he couldn't turn off these feelings, he just wanted things to feel good again. Maybe he is making himself feel horrible. That is what people do, they always make it seem worse than it actually is. He was already acting like this from one day, maybe he was still in denial, he just needed to keep pushing on so he could reach acceptance. He did this once before, he could do it again.
By the time that Steve arrived party guests were already walking into the tower. Steve had to admit it didn't seem like a very good welcome back party, especially since there were people that he didn't even know and he was sure Natasha didn't know them either. Maybe Stark was just looking for an excuse to throw a party. No now he was being angry with other people, Stark is just being Stark. Steve went to the stairs, he didn't want to be in an elevator full of people, besides he needed to get ready for the party.
Steve arrived to his room and he opened the door and he walked inside and closed the door. He went to the bath room and he looked at himself in the shattered mirror, Steve sighed and he shook his head, dumb thing to do. He could still see himself, it was just fragmented. He turned on the faucet and he decided to shave off the beard. It was starting to get long and messy, and he could have easily passed for a homeless person given the right attire.
Steve walked out of the bathroom cleanly shaven and he saw a suit on his bed, which he hadn't notice from before. Stark must have given him another suit, Steve grabbed it and he put it on. He looked more like himself without the beard, he liked his old look more, cleanly shaven and presentable. He smiled at himself in the mirror, now he just needed to keep it together and if he ran into anything that would hit a nerve he needed to be able not to freak out. Steve reckoned that he was still suffering from PTSD. He went through it during his first year back and he noticed some of the symptoms again. He took a deep breath and he walked out of his room and toward the party.
Steve entered and he saw people dancing and some just talking and drinking. Steve wished he could get drunk, just once. Steve walked through the crowd and he ran into someone he knew.
"Hey Cap" Rhodey said
Steve smiled and it was actually nice to see him "Stark invited you" Steve said
"Yeah, well I try to stay away from Tony's parties" Rhodey said
They both walked over to the bar and grabbed a glass of tequila. They settled by standing there and leaning against the bar.
"I didn't know you were coming" Steve said taking a sip of the tequila
"Yeah well, I wanted to stop by, if I told Tony I was coming he would have models all over me"
"He tends to do that" Steve said
"Yeah, he does. So what is new with the Avengers?"
Steve finished his glass and he didn't know where to begin.
"Well we are now freelancers I guess, we have just recovered one of our teammates, and we are now on the search for Loki's scepter"
"Loki's scepter, didn't S.H.I.E.L.D have that?"
"Yeah, but when me and Natasha found out that Hydra had grown in S.H.I.E.L.D for years it turns out some tech was stolen, or kept"
"Do you know who took it?"
"Yeah a man named Struker, we are working on finding the Hydra bases and then raiding them to find that scepter."
"Well good luck with that"
"Thanks, well I have taken out Hydra before, I'm pretty sure I can do it again"
"Do you always keep yourself busy?"
"Yeah, I have a hard time doing nothing" Steve said grabbing another glass
"Talking like a true soldier, after you get home the bed is too soft"
"Yeah, and every sound seems like an enemy"
"I know that pretty well" Rhodey said drinking his glass
Steve looked around and he found Clint talking to a model, but he noticed that Clint would glance over at him. It seemed like he was keeping a close eye on him and not paying much attention to the model standing in front of him.
"Well, it was nice… wow is that Natasha?" Rhodey asked
Steve was smiling and he looked over in the direction Rhodey was and he saw Natasha and she was wearing a red dress, it showed every curve and complemented every part of her body. It was also backless and had a slit to where her leg could show once every so often. Steve felt his heart jump and he saw how beautiful she was and her red lipstick and her emerald eyes were enough to make him a little lightheaded. Steve saw her take a step and he leg came forward and was shown as it passed through the slit and he saw her ivory skin shine slightly from the light. He suddenly felt a pang of guilt. He felt a minor pain in his head as if he was having a headache.
Steve blinked a few times and inhaled, trying to catch his breath. He suddenly saw Peggy standing in Natasha's place and they were at a pub and she was standing there in a red dress with red lipstick and her brown hair was wavy and she was stunning. Steve felt a painful pulse in his head and then he saw her lying in a bed very old and how she cried about how he was alive. Rhodey looked at Steve and noticed something was wrong.
"Hey Steve you ok?" Rhodey asked putting his hand on Steve's shoulder
Steve felt a jolt and he was back at the party and he saw Natasha talking to Clint. Steve looked at Rhodey.
"You ok man?"
Steve blinked and he nodded "Yeah, just a little out of it" Steve said and he felt lightheaded
"Do you need to sit down?"
"No, I just need to get some fresh air, it was good talking to you Rhodey, see you around" Steve said and he walked away and he felt another painful pulse in his head. He lightly groaned and he walked to the bathroom and closed the door and locked it. He turned on the sink and splashed cold water in his face. He stared at himself and looked into his blue eyes. He felt weird, almost like he was going to pass out. Steve blinked a few times and he breathed deeply and the wheezy feeling went away, his vison went back to normal. He took a deep breath and walked out.
Steve was back in the group of partiers and he walked through the crowd and he saw Natasha talking to Banner. Steve was about to make his way over to her when he saw her move her hair out of the way and he saw the ear rings that he gave her for Christmas and he felt his throat tighten. He closed his eyes and began to breathe deeply. He needed to focus, he felt that he was about to lose it. He took in steady deep breaths and he opened his eyes and the feeling of panic and anger went away. He needed to resolve some problems he was having. He knew that the situation with Natasha was hitting a nerve that he had put behind him a while ago, but know he felt the same as he did back then. He was still suffering from mild PTSD and he knew it, or maybe he was just torturing himself by remembering all these things that make him feel horrible.
Steve couldn't stay here, he needed to get away for a bit, he walked past Clint and he saw Clint notice and follow him. Clint noticed that Steve was leaving and he caught up to him.
"Hey Cap, where are you going?"
"I can't stay here right now" Steve said and he felt his throat tighten again and he saw himself with Peggy and she was in his arms and he blinked and he was back at the party with Clint talking to him.
"Where are you going?"
"Not far, just to my apartment. In just need a few days alone"
"Ok, well you call me if you need anything, I'm here to help buddy"
"I know you are, just say high to Natasha for me and tell her I had some personal things to do" Steve said and he walked away and he undid his tie and he felt like he could breathe again.
Steve walked into his room and got undressed and put on a normal attire for him and he walked out and he went to the stairs and he walked down them to the lobby. He decided to walk to his apartment, it wasn't far.
Steve came to his apartment an hour later and he opened the door and he walked in. he closed the door behind him and locked it. He went to the fridge and grabbed a cold water and he drank it down, his throat was dry and he felt tired. He needed a couple of days in some quiet solitude.
Steve stood under the warmth of the water from the shower and he held his gaze at the floor. He let the water run down his face and fly off and splatter against the wall of the shower. He closed his eyes and he exhaled, feeling the relaxing sensation of the water pouring over his head. Steve opened his eyes and looked up at the shower head and he saw it turn into a machine gun and fire at him. Steve stumbled back and fell down in the shower and shielded his eyes from it. He could hear footsteps and men yelling orders. Steve rubbed his eyes and he was back in the shower and the only thing he could here was the running water. He shook his head and he stood up and he turned off the water and the last bit flowed out in heavy drops and hit the wet floor with loud smacks and it made Steve jump as if he was hearing artillery fire.
Steve quickly got out of the shower and dried himself and he walked into his room and he tossed the towel across the room and he opened the dresser. He pulled out lounge pants and a white shirt. He slipped them on and he climbed into bed and pulled the covers over him and he shut off the dim lamp light. He put his head onto the pillow and he closed his eyes and listened to the silence of his apartment. He got lost in his thoughts about the party and before he knew it he was asleep.
Steve was lying on his back in his bed and he moved over onto his side and he opened his eyes and he saw no one lying next to him. He felt the urge to reach out and put his hand over on the right side of the bed. He saw his hand moving in the darkness and then it lightly touched the mattress, and no one was there. Steve frowned and he moved his hand slowly up and down the area where Natasha would be sleeping. He felt an urge to say her name, as if she had gotten up and was in the kitchen. He licked his lips and he took in a deep breath, he calmed himself and he exhaled and he looked back at the empty space and he knew that he was alone in the apartment. He sighed and turned back over onto his back. He stared up at the ceiling and he zoned out, and his mind went blank. He was thinking about something, but he couldn't remember what it was.
Steve blinked and he felt a hand on his shoulder and he looked over to the right and it was Natasha and she was in her nightgown. Steve felt his heart begin to race and he put his hand on her face and he saw her smile and he smiled back. He brought her close and he wrapped his arm around her. Steve blinked and it wasn't Natasha anymore, it was Peggy and she kissed his shoulder and he rubbed his hand through her hair and then he blinked again and it was Peggy as she looked now and Steve took his hand away and yelped and he fell out of the bed. Steve landed on his back and his legs were still on the mattress and he groaned in discomfort and he moved his legs down and he sat up and he looked on his bed and no one was there.
Steve let out a breath and he rubbed his hand through his hair. He shook his head and climbed back into the bed and he tried to get comfortable again and he closed his eyes. He slowly drifted off into sleep and he felt a sudden jolt that took him out of it. Steve opened his eyes and he sat up. He looked around studying his room. He had a feeling something was watching him. Steve looked around the room one last time and he laid back down and he tried to get some sleep. Steve felt the embrace of deep sleep overtake him and he felt nothing but weightlessness.
Steve opened his eyes and the sun was shining through his window and he squinted at the light and his eyes quickly adjusted to it. Steve sat up and he climbed out of the bed and he walked to the kitchen and he noticed that there was an envelope under his door. Steve walked over and he grabbed it and he read it: Hope you like it, and if it isn't the way you wanted it send it back and I'll redo it, with better specification, sincerely J.A.W.
Steve knew what it was and he took it over to the couch and he sat down and he opened it. He tilted the envelope and a necklace dropped into his hand. Steve looked at it and the silver encased a red gem. He turned it around so he could look at the red gem and there were two symbols engraved into it. It had his shield and then Natasha's hourglass in front of it. At the bottom on the silver encasing words were engraved into it: Moving forward together.
Steve held the necklace in his hand and he felt his throat tighten and he felt tears form in his eyes. He was going to give Natasha this next month when their partnership would have been three years. He felt the tears fall onto his hand. He had gotten the idea for the necklace when he took her shopping for jewelry and he couldn't find anything that would match Natasha, so he had a custom piece made. He was looking forward to seeing her reaction to it, but now she doesn't even remember their relationship. Steve clenched his jaw at it and he closed his hand and he held it and he suddenly felt very angry. He stood up and put the necklace back into the envelope and he took it to his room and he stuffed it into his drawer in his desk at the very bottom. He slammed the drawer shut and he heard a loud thump inside of it.
Steve knelt down and he opened the main cabinet and he saw his sketch book. He grabbed it and he shut the small door and he sat down at the base of his bed and he opened the sketch book. He looked at the first picture and it was of him and Natasha sitting on the bench in Central park. Steve felt tears reforming in his eyes and he lightly rubbed the drawing where Natasha was sitting and he closed the sketch book and he set it onto the floor and he lightly sobbed into his hands, he had lost her, and he wanted her back.
Steve had stayed in his apartment all day and he really didn't move around, and a day turned into a week and a week into two. Steve had nightmares every night and he was beginning to become angrier with himself. He hadn't talked to Clint, even though he had numerous calls from him. Steve just ignored them and soon his phone died and he didn't care to recharge it. Steve began to eat less and less and he was easily angered now.
He saw Peggy everywhere and then Natasha, he couldn't get the two women out of his mind. He felt his mind slowly making him more unstable. He looked at his sketch book every night and it usually turned into a throwing, match between Steve and his nightmares. He started to get the memory flashes during the day now and he was reminded of how he felt his first year back they had said he was coping admirably, even though he was a wreck at home.
Steve was sitting by the end of his bed like he usually did and he was looking at his sketches again. He flipped through them and he looked at the one that had Natasha's head and had her smiling. He drew that during their first month on his leave. He flipped to another one and he saw her lying across a bed with a silk blanket covering her private parts. Steve remembered that evening. He closed the sketch book and he stood up and he looked at himself in a mirror. He didn't like what he saw, he had dark shadows under his eyes and he had blood shot eyes from his lack of sleep. He still kept care of himself with brushing and grooming, he also worked out every morning.
Steve felt miserable and he looked it. Steve didn't know what to do anymore and he looked down at the dresser and he opened the top drawer and he looked past his boxers and socks. He saw his pistol lying there and he moved his hand and it was shaking slightly and he took it in his hand and he lifted it out of the drawer. Something was screaming at him to put it back. He pulled out the mag and saw that it was fully loaded and he walked back over to the end of his bed and he sat down on the mattress and he held the gun in his hand and looked down at it. He could do it, and make it all stop, the nightmares, the painful memories. All of it would go away with a pull of a trigger. Steve brought the pistol up and he cocked it back and he saw the bullet get into place.
Steve turned the barrel around and he put it into his mouth. He could taste the cold metal and he took the safety off and he put his thumb on the trigger. He felt tears in his eyes and he started to breathe faster. He started to pull the trigger and he felt his hand begin to shake. He closed his eyes and he tried to pull the trigger, but his thumb wouldn't go any more. Steve quickly took the barrel out of his mouth and pointed it at his temple and he felt his hand shaking and he put his index finger on the trigger and he began to pull it. Steve flexed every muscle in his body and he tried to pull the trigger, but his thoughts came back to Natasha. He knew it would affect her deeply if she suddenly heard the news that her partner shot himself in the head committing suicide. He didn't want to put her through that. Steve pulled the gun away from his hand and he looked at it in disgust and he threw it across the room and it hit the wall and it broke into three pieces.
Steve put his head in his hands and he cried and he sobbed silently. He lifted his head and he looked at the floor and at the corner of his desk at the very bottom was a little piece of paper. He crawled over and he grabbed it and he went back over to the bed and he sat against it and he flipped the small piece of folded paper and it had is name on it.
He unfolded it and he saw that it was a full page of words, in Natasha's handwriting. Steve flattened it out and he brought it back up and it read:
Steve, I wish I could say all of this to you in person, but I have trouble talking about feelings. I remember being on the deck of that helicarrier and seeing you walk down the ramp of the Quinjet. I will say you took me off guard, I won't say that I liked it, because I didn't. You seemed so odd to me, someone who would lay their life down for someone they didn't know. It was new to me, as the two years that went by when we were partners I grew a little more attached to you.
Trying to get you a date was a side effect from that, deep down I liked you, but I never saw myself as good enough. You know my past haunts me, and when you had my file, I was afraid that you would read it and then become disgusted with me. So many others have, and I was used to it. I didn't care about what people thought, then I met you. I was afraid that if you learned anything from my past that you would become disgusted with me and not want to work with me.
I never really had any fun till after I met you, even though our missions were almost suicidal, I enjoyed your company. Your oblivious, naïve, righteousness, and selflessness. You are all the things that I knew that I could never be. I worked in the dark place during out partnership and you were kept in the light, but you changed me. You made me feel, better about myself. You taught me that maybe it wasn't worth living the way I was, and to be myself and make active choices, good or bad.
You gave me a push toward that and for that I will always be grateful. I know this is sounding all cliché, but the hell with it. I hope you can see that you need to make active choices to, Steven Rogers, you have my heart, and you are the joy in my life. I love you
And always remember, I chose you.
Steve reread the paper a few times and he slowly folded it back up and he sat there and he looked up to the ceiling and he let a few more tears flow down and he stood up. He walked over to his desk and he pulled out the drawer he had put the envelope in and he pulled it out. He put the piece of paper in the envelope and he placed it back down in the drawer; under all of the other papers. Steve closed the drawer and he walked over to his night stand and he plugged his phone into his charger. He set the phone back down and he sat down at the edge of the bed, he knew what he wanted to do, and Bucky wasn't going to like it.