~What Am I Feeling?~

~Chapter 8- Who You Are~

Scorpius had woken the morning after, having a restless night with dreams consumed with images of love-making and the disturbing this was… that it was with a man. He had buried his face in his hands, letting a few tears fall from his eyes.

Why was this happening to him? He was already different, but this… no, this was going to be hard. Why didn't he like girls? Why couldn't he just be normal?

And what was even worse that, he thought the man he was with, might have been Albus. The image of those startling green eyes were imprinted on his mind. But he didn't want it to be Albus. Albus was his friend. His best friend. He couldn't be having thoughts like that about Albus. So he put that to the back of his mind and dismissed it. It wasn't Albus, of course it wasn't.

Scorpius just wouldn't admit it to himself quite yet.

Scorpius tripped over his own feet as he walked out of class later the day. He stumbled down the corridor, holding his books in his hands. Albus was with Danielle. He had abandoned Scorpius, saying he would be spending lunch time with that stupid Hufflepuff instead.

Fine. Scorpius thought. I don't need you every second of my life. I can do just fine on my own.

And anyway, Scorpius thought he should clear up his own teenage problems right now, because the sooner he could, the sooner he could go back to focusing on his studies.

Am I gay? Scorpius thought, the first time he actually used the word, gay.

But he didn't know much about… sexuality himself. And there was only one person he could approach who knew a lot about sexuality and could probably help him with his worries and help him come to terms with what he was truly feeling at the moment.

Scorpius spotted the other blonde boy across the courtyard, sitting on the table while his boyfriend, Martino Zabini, a Slytherin and also Blaise Zabini's son who he had been with for over a year now. Martino was whispering in his ear, smirking. The other blonde had his arm wrapped around Martino's shoulder's, feigning innocence, which Scorpius knew didn't exist, by hiding behind his hair and blushing.

Scorpius slowly approached the couple, bringing his books to his chest as he felt more and more intimidated.

Martino was the first to notice him and looked up at Scorpius, smiling wickedly, "Well, if it isn't the young Malfoy."

Finally, Louis Weasley looked up at Scorpius, a grin breaking across his handsome face straight away.

Louis Weasley was the youngest child of Bill and Fleur Weasley, so he was also Albus' cousin. He had two older sisters, Victoire and Dominique whom had left Hogwarts now, while he was still in his sixth year.

Louis was known for two things: One, his Veela heritage and inherited Veela beauty and two, his sexuality.

Louis was one eighth Veela, which although didn't seem much, still made him and his sister's abnormally beautiful. Everyone was always infatuated with Louis, girls and boys of all ages admired the face of the youngest Veela left in Hogwarts.

But, much to many girls disappointment, Louis was very openly gay. He talked about his sexuality, the way you would talk about the weather and flaunted it at every opportunity, not because he was a show off, but because it was what was normal for him.

He had known he was gay from a young age, but never actually did have a boyfriend up until Martino Zabini who swooped in and captured the heart of the young Veela. The few times Louis had been at Albus' house while Scorpius was there, he had spoken about how much he was in love with Martino and how wonderful he was. Naturally, the family were happy for him of course. But he also left many hearts broken.

Since he had started seeing Martino, they walked around the school like any other couple would, holding hands, kissing to say goodbye. They hid themselves for no one's sake and Scorpius did admire them for that.

Louis and Scorpius had spoken on a number of occasions. Louis was friendly and there was no doubt about that. He was one of those people who were easy to talk to and you felt comfortable with talking to them. Whether he was trustworthy, Scorpius did not know yet, but he couldn't imagine that Louis wasn't. And anyway, he was just to desperate to comprehend what was wrong with him at the moment to even care. Scorpius hated so much not understanding.

"Ah, Scorpius!" Louis said extravagantly, "How are you at the moment? It feels like months since we last spoke!"

"W-we spoke last week?" Scorpius frowned, tilting his head to the side.

Both Louis and Martino chuckled, exchanging glances as the Ravenclaw blushed, "I said it feels like months. You take things far too literally sometimes, Scorpius!" Louis' friendly smile relaxed Scorpius. He patted the seat next to him and gradually Scorpius stepped forward, sitting down nervously and placing his books on his lap, "What is it that you would like to talk about?"

"Um…" Scorpius glanced up at Martino, before turning to Louis again, "Would you mind if I spoke to you alone?"

Martino rolled his eyes and stood up, "Well I think that's my cue to leave," Louis craned his neck with a loving smile. Martino returned the gesture and leaned down, placing a sweet kiss on Louis' lips. Scorpius felt that he should look away, he shouldn't be intruding on their moment, but he couldn't help but stare, entranced with the kiss. It looked so… right.

Martino pulled away and Louis was still smiling, "I'll see you later."

Martino walked away, glancing back at Louis at one point. Scorpius watched Martino walk away and hoped he would be looked at in the same way Louis and Martino look at each other one day.

"So, what's the matter Scorpius?" Louis leaned back, flexing his back slightly as the sun shone down fully on his face.

"Um… it's quite a delicate matter…" Scorpius sighed, turning his head to the side, "But I didn't know who else to come to."

"Well, you know you can talk to me about anything Scorp," Louis shrugged, his lips quirking upwards as he used the nickname he had adopted for Albus' best friend, "As long as it's not about Quidditch or anything like that. I don't know a thing about things like that."

"No, no… it's nothing like that…" Scorpius gritted his teeth together until he suddenly blurted out, "How did you know you liked guys?"

Louis' eyes flickered down the younger boy, the smile finally wiped from his face. He observed Scorpius' contorted face and guessed immediately, "You're questioning your sexuality, aren't you?" Scorpius nodded with a huff before burying his face in his hands, "Don't worry, Scorp. Everyone questions their sexuality at some point in their lives. It's only natural."

Scorpius nibbled on his lower lip, "That's the thing though… it's not so much questioning it… I mean, I've never really been attracted to girls…"

"Hm. Me neither," Louis noticed how Scorpius was diverting his gaze from him so he gave him a stern look, "Scorpius, look at me," The Malfoy changed his gaze to focus on the Veela instead again, "Do you notice guys?"

"I've always been able to tell whether a guy is good-looking or not. It's never bothered me before… but recently… everyone's been so caught up with… girls, but I'm just not interested."

"What you mean is Albus has been caught up with girls?"

A rosy colour brushed over Scorpius' cheek, "Y-yeah… I guess so."

"Do you know how I realised I was gay?" Louis gave a supportive smile, "When I met a gay man and realised I was like him," Louis chuckled, shaking his head, "It had never really bothered me the fact that my eyes didn't follow girls, but boys instead and I'm just the type of person who was relaxed when I realised I was gay. I felt comfortable with it and it didn't feel wrong. In fact, I felt more laidback than I ever had before when I admitted that to myself. Of course there was the problem of telling my family; but I knew who I was. And that was good for me. I didn't care what my family thought and lucky enough, they were rather accepting anyway."

Scorpius hadn't even thought about how his own family would react if they found out. He would assume, not well. His father would not be happy with it at all and Scorpius knew this. But… if what Louis was saying was right, then that was truly who he was and he couldn't deny who he was.

"Did you ever get… dreams?" Scorpius said uncertainly, clenching and unclenching his jaw.

"You're already getting the dreams my friend?" Louis smirked, still a gentle glint in his eyes, "Let me tell you something; I still get dreams and me and Martino are very sexually active."

"I… didn't need to know that."

Louis giggled, "Well it's only true. No point in lying."

"Yes, but it's not lying if you don't talk about it at all."

"Oh, I'm not going to argue with you, Scorp. You're far too clever for that. I would never be able to outsmart you," Louis held out a hand for Scorpius hesitantly slipped his own into the Weasley's, "Listen, you don't have to decide whether you're gay right now, on the spot. That's not how it works and you're making this far more complicated then it needs to be, you're over thinking it," Louis squeezed the Malfoy's hand, "To me, it sounds like you already know. It's just admitting it to yourself which is the hard part. And listen, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Nothing at-"

"My father would say differently." Scorpius whimpered, his voice slightly broken.

"Well screw your dad!" Louis exclaimed, shaking his head frantically, "What I've noticed is, since I admitted it to myself, is that I've been happier. And I'm sure you would be too. If your dad doesn't want you to be happy… then he's not worth it honey. You should be who you want to be and your dad shouldn't stop you."

Scorpius lowered his head and thought about it. It made sense. Maybe Scorpius was just over thinking it. When he thought of himself with a boy… that was what felt natural. When he thought of himself with a girl… well he couldn't even imagine it. He didn't have to tell his father immediately anyway… nor did he have to start dating anyone. He could just give himself time to get used to it, because Louis was right, Scorpius was starting to feel more comfortable now that he started to accept it.

Scorpius understood that there was nothing wrong about him liking guys, in fact, it felt right. He wasn't prepared to come out or anything, but at least he would be safe in his own knowledge that he knew himself.

"I think I'm gay." Scorpius whispered, bowing his head.

"Join the club." Scorpius looked up at Louis, an unwanted grin spreading across his cheeks. They both started laughing, when Louis wrapped an arm around Scorpius' shoulders, "You can come to me to talk about it any time, Scorp. I'm always here for you. And the main thing is, don't rush into anything. Take your time."

"Thank you, Louis. Really, thank you."

"So…" Louis raised his eyebrows, leaning closer into Scorpius, "Anyone caught your eye?"

Scorpius' eyes bulged and he blushed immediately, one name overcoming his mind, "N-no."

"Ah, you have! Tell me! Come on, at the moment, I'm the only person you can talk to about this! Who?" Scorpius still refused to answer, so Louis pouted, "Okay, if you want to know all the gay guys in the school, you know, for future reference, there's Andrew Dowton, Gryffindor seventh year. He really is quite attractive, lovely eyes. Terry Benton, also Gryffindor but fifth year," Louis nudged Scorpius, "In your year. Although, he isn't the cutest boy I've every met. There Christopher Daley, sixth year Hufflepuff and I'm telling you… if I wasn't with Martino, I would be getting into his pants-"

"O-okay enough!" Scorpius stuttered in embarrassment, waving his hands to signal a stop.

"Okay, darling Scorpius. This is something we can speak of at a later stage," Louis unwound his arm from Scorpius' shoulder again, leaning back on the table so he was lying down across it, "Are you going to tell Albus?"

Scorpius bit his lip hard. He would tell Albus, of course he would, Albus would probably be the first person he told after Louis, but he didn't know if he could yet, "I will tell Albus. But when I'm ready. I think it will still take a while to sink in and everything."

"I won't tell anyone. Not even Martino. You take your time, Scorp."

"I'm going to get going… I need to study a bit more. I've been… distracted recently."

"Hm, no doubt," Louis sat upright to shoot a charming smile in Scorpius' direction, "Remember, I'm always here if you need to talk."

"Thank you, Louis."

Gripping his books, Scorpius strode in the direction of the library, letting the events process in his head. So… he had realised that everything that had been going on in his mind, was definitely because he was attracted to men. Probably deep down he had known it before but just didn't want to admit it to himself. He was accepting it more and more by the second. His mind would be at rest and that was what was important. Now he could get through his studies, get through his OWLs, finally knowing who he was.

Scorpius abruptly turned a corner and noticed a kissing couple pressed up against the wall, their mouths firmly clamped together. Scorpius almost ignored them, until he grasped who in fact the couple were.

It was Albus and Danielle.

Danielle's back was leaning on the wall, her long fingers tangled in those beautiful brown locks of Albus'. Albus cupped her face with one hand, letting his hand rest on her waist with the other.

Scorpius guessed that Albus had finally plucked up the courage to ask her out. But what was this feeling? This hurt in his chest? This feeling that his heart was about to snap in two? It wasn't just jealousy anymore, no, it was heartbreak.

Scared by his own thoughts, Scorpius rushed away, changing his path to head for the Ravenclaw tower instead.

Just as he started to feel like he had it all figured out, that he could start accepting who he was, his mind headed into confusion as he wished that he was the one kissing Albus, not Danielle.

~X~

A/N: Ooooooh, I bet you're all so proud of me for updating this so quickly! Had yet another late night yesterday, writing fanfictions. Managed to finish a chapter on my other story, Secrets, then finished this one this morning. I'll probably be like this up until Monday which is when I go back to school so I'm sure you'll be seeing a few more chapters come out by the end of this week. But three days in a row! I'm sure that's like some sort of record for me.

So, in this chapter Louis Weasley was introduced (yay, I love Louis) and he is supposed to be this very outspoken guy but I did want to make the point that he was also very kind. He is a Gryffindor, which I realised I failed to mention in this chapter but I'm sure it will come up later in the story and I hope you're happy to know that we will be seeing more from him and Martino who is completely made up by the way.

There's also the point that Scorpius did admit to himself that he was gay this chapter. I'm worried that seems a little rushed (even if the past two chapters have been quite revolved around that) but I wanted to make it clear that he probably did actually know it already, it's just what he was finding hard was admitting it to himself. If you have any comments about the way I did that, please review or send me a message cause I'm a bit worried about it really.

I think everyone can tell this is going to be one of those fics where Albus is in a relationship etc and Scorpius still likes him blah blah blah, but I'm afraid that from the next chapter, although it isn't going to be that simple.

Next chapter there's going to be the introduction to a new OC, who was actually mentioned in this chapter (you can guess who it is if you want) and will play quite a big role in the story, through their fifth year anyway.

So anyway, thank you to Lizzy0308 and drumline for reviewing last chapter and I'm sorry that I'm giving you all hardly any time to review! Hehe, sorry!

Next chapter:: As tensions are high between Scorpius and Albus, the last person Scorpius wants to run into is James Potter. But will things change when a kind stranger helps him?