Reference to: 'The Clean Room Infiltration'; 'The Colonization Application'
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"So I was thinking about substituting light-transmitting fibres of ultratransparent oxide glass for crystalline copper," said Leonard as he peppered his rice pilaf. "It'd allow for more conversations in the optical fibre."
Howard swallowed his bite of sandwich even as his eyes caught a pretty grad student wearing an acceptably short skirt.
"You have some or need to borrow?" he asked.
"You have some?" Leonard said hopefully.
"For a price."
"Why do I have the feeling that I'm not going to like this?"
Sheldon put down his fork.
"If glass wasn't transparent, which city would have the Statue of Liberty?" he asked.
"What?" asked Raj.
"Aw, not another counterfactual," sighed Leonard.
"What's wrong with your minds, gentlemen?" Sheldon continued. "Surely such an elementary game can't boggle the intellect."
"No, what boggles us is how your intellect works," smirked Howard, garnering him a glare.
"You're all people of rare intelligence," Sheldon said crisply as he pulled out his phone. "It's rare you show any."
"Ooo, burn!" grinned Raj.
"Fortunately Amy has a sense of humour to go along with a scintillating intellect that will appreciate this," Sheldon said as he texted.
"Eyah," said Leonard, suddenly serious. "Uh, speaking of Amy, Penny said that there's going to be a gathering for her this weekend."
"Oh? Is she hosting that nineteenth century dinner party that she always wanted to do?"
"How did you know?"
Sheldon put down his phone and resumed eating.
"She'd previously talked my ear off wanting to do it," he said evenly.
"So you're okay with this," Leonard said to confirm.
"Amy's a girl, she's my friend but not my girlfriend." Sheldon's mouth twitched. "Although it's strange that she never mentioned the party to me."
"She was in the middle of breaking up with you," Raj pointed out.
"I suppose" Sheldon replied with a slight shrug. "But it's not like her to forget. Amy and I severed our relationship agreement not sworn eternal enmity for each other." He again picked up his phone and began to text. "In fact I'll remind her now."
scooperphd: Leonard said you're hosting your retro party this Sat.
scooperphd: Remember to use cloth napkins.
scooperphd: Should I make zucchini or date loaf?
Sheldon paused and then shook his head at his folly.
scooperphd: Never mind. It's a party. I'll make both.
Sheldon put down his phone and took up his bottled water.
"And FYI, the answer is Seattle," he said to the guys before he stood. "Now if you'll excuse me I have to finish work early so I can make it to the pet store before it closes."
"No cats!" Leonard warned.
"Of course not," Sheldon sniffed. "I'm thinking of getting a turtle." He left with his lunch tray.
"Why would he get a turtle?" Leonard puzzled.
"I hope he calls him Yertle," gushed Raj.
XXX
"Wow, she is serious," said Leonard as Penny and he rounded the corner to ascend the last staircase to their floor.
"YuP. So anyways, someone's gotta tell Sheldon," Penny replied. At this Leonard sighed.
"I guess I'll do it," he moped.
They stopped in front of his door.
"Leonard, he's going to need some comforting."
"Which you're much better at," said Leonard. Penny raised an eyebrow. "You do know our relationship is for better or worse, right?" Now it was Penny's turn to sigh.
"Send him over."
"Really?" said Leonard, sounding like he'd just dodged a bullet. "Thanks." He kissed her before both entered their respective apartments.
"Hey Sheldon," Leonard said lightly as he put his keys in the bowl by the door. "Listen, Penny wants to talk to you about something."
"So why isn't Penny here?" Sheldon replied as he typed at his computer.
"Because she wants to talk to you in private."
Sheldon stopped typing with an exasperated sigh.
"Good Lord this isn't about her wanting more DVR space to record The Bachelor, is it? Because I'm not altering my position on the matter."
"No, it's something else," said Leonard as he went down the hall. Sheldon resumed typing. "Now, Sheldon."
"You didn't say it was immediate," mumbled Sheldon with an eye roll. He got up and went across the hall.
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
Knock Knock Knock "Penny."
"Hey Sheldon," said Penny as she opened the door. "Come on in."
"Leonard said you wanted to speak with me?"
"Yeah." She moved to the couch and sat before patting the cushion next to her. "Come sit."
"But that's not my spot," he countered.
"It is now."
Sheldon pursed his lips even as he sat on the couch.
"This better be good," he grumbled.
"So," said Penny, even as her brain scrambled to get things organized. "How's work?"
"Penny, while you might think you're engaging in 'small talk' I assure you that talking about my job is far above your capacity to comprehend," Sheldon said derisively, oblivious to Penny's scowl. "Now I doubt this is the reason why you've called me over so if we could get to the point I can get back to my work."
"O-kay. You know that Amy is no longer your girlfriend, right?" Penny began.
Sheldon was slightly taken aback.
"Of course I do. She's a girl. She's a friend. But not—"
"Sheldon, a lot of times when a couple breaks up they need their space." Penny could tell by Sheldon's look that he was listening but not comprehending. "That means no texts or emails or phone calls. Nothing."
"But why?" he asked. "Amy and I are friends."
"Breaking up kinda puts everything up in the air, Sheldon," Penny explained.
"Oh." Sheldon straightened in his seat. "But what about Amy's party? I've already purchased the ingredients for her loaves." He cocked his head in thought. "I suppose I could send them with you."
"Not a good idea."
"Good grief, they're loaves not a Trojan Horse," the physicist snapped. Penny sighed. Obviously she needed to take another path.
"Sheldon, how would you like it if this was reversed and Amy sent you something from her?"
"We're friends. Why should it matter?" Sheldon got up. "This is stupid. We were friends for over four years and dating for nearly three of them. Just because we're no longer dating doesn't mean we're no longer friends. They're separate paradigms."
"Not really," Penny replied. "Normally when I break up with someone that's that."
"You remained in contact with Kurt. He was at your Halloween party," Sheldon reminded her as he went to stand by the door. "And you remained in contact with Leonard after Lord knows how many times you'd broken up."
"Okay, not good examples," said Penny as she stood. "On the whole I don't do that. But Leonard was an exception."
"Why wouldn't Amy make an exception for me?" Sheldon snorted. "I'm far beyond 'exceptional'."
"You're her first boyfriend."
"She's my first girlfriend. I fail to see the relevance." He opened the door. "Now if you'll excuse—"
"Sheldon, she doesn't want you in her life right now."
Silence.
Sheldon gently closed the door but kept his hand on the doorknob.
"She said that?" he asked in a serious tone.
"Yeah."
Sheldon nodded his head.
"Well alright then," he said, his voice back to its usual tone.
"Sorry sweetie."
"Nothing to feel sorry about," Sheldon dismissed. "We were friends and now we're not. I'll send her the paperwork for—"
"Sheldon I don't think—" Sheldon turned to her with a somber look on his face.
"I can't leave this open-ended," he said firmly. Penny nodded.
"Give me the paperwork and I'll see that Amy gets it."
"I'll go do that now." Sheldon opened the door and went across the hall to his own apartment.
"How are you doing?" asked Leonard as Sheldon came in and proceeded to his computer.
"I'm as regular as a German train schedule," mumbled Sheldon as he clicked to his documents section and began printing out the necessary forms.
"I mean about Amy."
"Amy's a girl, who's not my friend much less my girlfriend." Sheldon gathered the sheets and stapled them. "So what would you like to do Saturday evening?" Leonard raised an eyebrow.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, since Penny will be off at Amy's gathering you'll need something to do before coitus."
"Sheldon, I'm going with Penny."
Sheldon turned to Leonard in shock.
"Why?" he asked.
"Because Amy's worked hard to throw this party."
"So? She wasn't your friend."
"Sure she is." Leonard paused. "Well sort of."
"She found you tedious."
"Well it's the proper thing to do," Leonard grumped. "I'll be the bigger man." Pause. "Metaphorically speaking."
"Huh." Sheldon paused in thought before giving a curt nod. "This friendship paradigm is quite complicated."
"What do you mean?" asked Leonard as he picked up the television remote.
"Well, because Amy and I are not 'seeing' each other she no longer wants to be friends which suggests that our friendship was worth less than our relationship. And then there's you, who sees the 'proper thing to do' as attending a retro party for a tepid acquaintance while leaving his supposed best friend alone."
"Things are complicated sometimes," said Leonard.
"I see." Sheldon went to the door and opened it before turning to Leonard with a scowl. "You suck!" he snapped and closed the door behind him.
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Leonard stretched as he sat up in bed. He put on his glasses, got up and donned his housecoat and slippers before venturing to the washroom. The lights were already on in the living room which was no surprise given that Sheldon was an early riser. After conducting his business, Leonard came down the hall to see his roommate sitting on the couch eating cereal.
"'Morning," said Leonard as he went for his cup of coffee.
"For some of us," Sheldon grunted.
"What's wrong?"
"Open the refrigerator, Leonard."
Leonard did so—and found everything looking like it did last night.
"Need some context here, Sheldon," he said as he reached for his almond milk.
"You'll note that your soy butter is located on the neutral shelf. It's your condiment and therefore belongs on your shelf," Sheldon sniffed. "Then there's the shoddy tinfoiling of your Javanese curry when the Roommate Agreement states that any meat product has to be saran wrapped in order to prevent its odor from contaminating other food products."
"Aw, we're not going back to the Roommate Agreement are we?" groaned Leonard as he took a sip of coffee.
"I've let things slide for too long," said Sheldon as he got up and went to the kitchen to wash his breakfast dishes. "The result has been chaos. Aimless career. Dabbling in unnecessary romantic human constructs." Now it was Leonard's turn to snort. "You mock me?"
"I do."
Sheldon put his dishes in the drain rack.
"Need I pull out the Roommate Agreement to refresh your memory on all the initials you signed?"
"No," Leonard frowned. "And by the way, I thought you got rid of the Roommate Agreement when your barber got sick?"
"And we see the result, don't we?" Sheldon opened the fridge. "Observe the contaminant." He pulled out a half container of cream. "Is this yours? Of course not my lactose-intolerant friend. Is it mine? No it's not. So whose could it be?" He shook the container from side to side making the cream swish. "Could this be Penny's?"
"She's here every day for coffee," said Leonard as he reached for the cream only to have Sheldon raise it at arm's length away from him.
"And yet you failed to secure an addendum to the Roommate Agreement to let her store it here," Sheldon tsked.
"Why would I need that? She doesn't live here!"
"Exactly. She doesn't fall under the 'cohabitation rider' which would allot her space in the refrigerator. Instead, her contraband has been snuck in." Again he shook the container. "We should hope this doesn't contain hash oil."
"Of course it doesn't," growled Leonard. "Fine. I'll file an application for her cream."
"While you're at it you might as well address these as well," said Sheldon, who put down the cream on the counter before crossing over to his desk.
"What's this?" asked Leonard as Sheldon handed him a stapled packet of papers.
"Transgressions, Leonard. But don't worry, I won't just assign retroactive strikes without due process. You'll have a chance to answer to the charges at the weekly roommate meeting."
Sheldon went down the hall into the bathroom, leaving Leonard to look over the document.
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?165824-Counterfactuals-A-Brain-Teaser-Game –counterfactual question.
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