I am so sorry for the wait for this chapter, I had Internet, I just had no laptop, or even access to what I had banked of this story… I still don't, however the bloody lowlife who decided they needed my car more than I did, does … So apart from notes I had jotted of the outline of each chapter this is all as new as the laptop its been wrote on, hence the wait…
I would have loved longer to work on this Chapter, it feels so rushed and unfinished but I wanted desperately to get it out, and not have anyone think I had abandoned the story.
Anyway thank you so much to those that reviewed the last chapter, it means so much, I really do appreciate them, and sincerely hope I still have readers left to leave them…This is the last of the kind of introductory chapters ... So please Read, Enjoy and Review!
Need The Sun To Break
For the second morning running Carolyn Shepherd came downstairs a little before five am to find Meredith huddled in her dressing gown at the kitchen table. Unlike yesterday though Meredith wasn't aware of her presence, meaning there was no sudden change of expression, or ready excuses about time difference, and internal clocks to greet her. This morning instead she was given full access to the turmoil written over the beautiful face she knew so well.
For a split second she considered whether it would be best to go back upstairs, rather than intrude on the solitude Meredith had obviously been seeking, to give the space Michael had said both Meredith and Derek needed. Nevertheless Carolyn found as much as she thought she should, she couldn't bring herself to turn away from the girl who she had always thought of as one of her own when she was in such obvious distress.
When her husband last night had finally told her what he had suspected for a long time, and had had partially confirmed by their son at the family dinner Carolyn had felt the past two years or so shift into place with a resounding click. It made such perfect sense that she still couldn't believe it had never crossed her mind before. Laid awake long after Michael had fallen asleep, she had found herself going over the past, searching for any clues she might have missed, and to her dismay they had all been there.
Her only condolence was nearly every single one could be explained innocently away by the bond Derek and Meredith had always shared. A closeness they had all become so used too, had long ago assumed though far deeper than sibling like, was far from romantic that they had missed the changes at it's very core. Even the final fall out between them wasn't really anything out of the ordinary. Two very different personalities, spending so much time together over the years had lead to similar conflicts. Derek's temper was notorious, and Meredith herself had never been one to back down from a fight.
Now blessed with hindsight Carolyn was able to see the vital differences this time around, all the little missed tell-tale signs of a lovers quarrel stood out in vivid colour. Everyone had known neither Derek or Rebecca were happy, the whole family had been aware of the problems between the couple before the ink was dry on the marriage license.
It was no excuse for adultery, but Carolyn could see how naturally he would have turned to Meredith. How easily it would be for any repressed feelings to come to the surface, because life wasn't just black or white, right or wrong, there was always the area in between, and good people made mistakes especially in the name of love. What she couldn't understand was how Derek of all people had let it get so out of hand that it had caused Meredith to flee to the over side of the country to escape.
Michael had made her promise to not interfere or to breathe a word that she had some inkling of what had gone on, but that vow was seeming impossible to keep with Meredith in front of her like this. Not only did the overall upheaval of the last two years now make sense, but so did the behaviour of the women in front of her. Meredith hadn't been holding them at arms length in retaliation of being hurt as they had suspected, she was now certain it was done because Meredith had expected them to reject her if the affair came to light.
It reminded her so much of the young Meredith who had believed she was unworthy of their love that all Carolyn wanted was to go in, gather Meredith to her as she had done so many times before, and promise her everything was going to be okay. To stroke the blonde hair back, and remind her that there was nothing she could do that would ever make them turn their backs on her. There was no list of criteria Meredith had to meet to have their love, because she was their daughter just as much as the four girls she had given birth too.
"Good morning sweetheart."
Resisting the instinct Carolyn stepped in to the room, and watched the moment Meredith realised she wasn't alone any more as an exhausted smile of welcome blossomed from the misery, which though sincere failed to reach the expressive green eyes.
"Morning Mom."
Patting her shoulder to keep her seated Carolyn filled two cups with the obviously forgotten coffee waiting in the pot, and brought them back to the table.
"These early starts are reminding me of when you used to come over once Ellis had left for the hospital. I'd make you a cup of warm milk to go with my coffee, and we would sit right here putting the world to rights."
"You used to say it was the only time of day the house was quiet enough to think, without someone bellowing your name or demanding your attention every five minutes."
Meredith murmured wondering whether it was those early morning memories that had guided her into the kitchen rather than either of the more cosy living rooms on the ground floor. It was one very big difference between this house, and the one in Seattle. Where as the silence of Ellis's old home within a month of living there had drove her to seek out room-mates to fill the empty rooms, here though quiet it was impossible to feel lonely. As fanciful as it seemed it was as if all the years of love and laughter this house had known, had somehow penetrated the actual walls. To leave behind an everlasting warmth that wrapped around you the moment you stepped over the threshold.
"It was why you always set your alarm an hour before you had to be up,"
"I still do, especially on Christmas Eve when I know I wont have a moment to myself for the next two days. But you, young lady were always the exception to the rule. I treasured those times having you all to myself, it was my favourite part of the day."
"Mine too."
Meredith found she was suddenly having to blink back tears, Carolyn's brown eyes were bathing her with a motherly love Meredith had only ever found here. A large part of her wished she could go back to being that six year old, and hash out her troubles over this table. To ask Carolyn what she was meant to do now.
"So trouble sleeping again?"
"Yeah… Josh is a light sleeper, I didn't want to wake him by tossing and turning."
Meredith explained before she took a long drink of the hot liquid, skipping over the reason why she was so reluctant to wake Josh. An awake Josh would be a Josh who wanted to talk, an awake Josh meant she would be unable to avoid the hurt confusion that had seemed to take up home in the brown eyes ever since she had returned from the docks Tuesday night. Josh may not have understood what Amelia had meant when she talked about the "dark and twisties", but he was well versed in the signs of her pulling away from him and of being shut out.
"What time does he leave for Boston?"
"His flights at three, so sometime around noon I think."
"He seems a nice boy, and it has been even nicer to meet him finally, especially after you managed to keep him firmly out of the way when your father and I came to Seattle for your birthday."
It was obvious to anyone Carolyn thought that had seen them over the last thirty six hours that though Josh was in love with her, Meredith was still very much a mystery to him. She liked Josh, as did Michael. It was hard not to like someone who looked at your child as if they alone hung the moon and stars every night. Yet even before Michael's revelation she had started to see how in very different places they each were within the relationship.
"Mom, if you had wanted to meet him in Seattle you only had to ask! I would have arranged a dinner or something…?"
For the first time since Carolyn had sat down, a sparkle of the old Meredith appeared in the green eyes, humour lighting her features.
"What part of 'Meredith I'd like to meet the young man Mark told me about' wasn't me asking?"
"You should have been more specific. I have no idea what tales Mark tells you? For all I knew, you meant George or Alex, and you did meet them."
Carolyn let out a laugh and shook her head.
"I know I keep saying it, but it's so lovely to have you home Mer,"
"Its Christmas, there's no where else I would rather be. Last year I worked right through the holidays, and all I wanted was to be here, to be home…"
It was the simple truth, there was no where else she wanted to be at this time of year, yet at the same time she wished she was a million miles away. She had come home because she was done running away, she had wanted her family back and she had hoped her and Derek could finally have back the relationship they had once shared. To rewind to when everything was simpler between them, or at least pretend enough to make everyone else believe until they could find some way to coexist as members of the same family.
Now by his own admittance that wasn't an option, and Meredith had no idea where they went from here, or even what she wanted. She loved him, she always had, but that didn't mean they could be together, love alone didn't make for a happy ending. What's more walking away once had been hard enough, she wasn't sure she could survive another heartbreak like the last. So she was left here unable to sleep, unable to quieten the thoughts running round her head with a boyfriend upstairs who she was struggling to even make eye contact with.
"It's just a pity you can't stay longer."
Before Meredith could open her mouth Caroline raised a hand to stop her.
"I know, I know it's the job. Your a surgical resident, you work till you drop, the hospital owns you. I may understand, but that doesn't mean I don't worry about you, or wish I could have you closer to make sure you are taking proper care of yourself."
"Mom you don't have to worry about me I'm..."
"Now if you are about to end that sentence with "fine" then my girl let me tell you I really will start to worry."
"Okay not fine, totally not fine… What about okay? I Meredith Grey am okay! And you do not need to worry about me..."
"Its my job to worry. I worry about you all, its a mothers right."
"It's your right?".
"Yes it is. To me, you will always be the stubborn, independent, headstrong, beautiful little girl who we hadn't known we had been missing until Lizzie dragged you home that day, and completed our family."
"Mom..."
"I have raised seven children. I know you are all adults now, but I am still your Mother and I want to help. You especially stopped needing me long before I was ready to loosen the apron strings, so I just want to make sure you still know you can come to me with anything, particularly when it is keeping you up at night!"
It was the closest Carolyn could come without breaking the promise she had made to her husband, and when she saw Meredith's eyes widen with distress, her head duck to stare down at the table top, any shadow of doubt she still had disappeared.
"I do need you. I don't know where I would be without you, its just I'm not ready to talk. I don't know how to explain it. I just want life to be simple you know ….? I thought I could go back, and I cant, so I don't know what to do..."
Meredith sighed with a helpless shrug, looking everywhere but actually at the women sat across the table from her.
"Then you have to move forward, you just have to keep going that's all you can do… As trite as it sounds if its meant to be, it will work out… Now, that isn't my best piece of motherly advice, however when you are ready to talk, with a little more information I could probably manage a little better or at least another cliché or two."
"Thank you for not pushing… I know I'm not the best at saying it, but I love you and Dad, you do know that don't you?"
"Of course we do. Now how about I make a breakfast fit to line your stomachs for whatever concoctions Mark sees fit to pour down your throats tonight?"
"You could always come, keep an eye on him?"
"Unlike you delinquents I have no desire to nurse a hangover come tomorrow with fourteen over excited children running rampant through the house. I'm not sure what madness has gotten into Liz and Rob this year for them to want to go…?"
"That would be Mark. He managed to convince Rob he was turning into an old man before his time since the twins were born. He said they needed the excitement, and as the kids would be here there was no need to arrange baby sitters what with Nancy and Kate here too later. Then when Liz still wouldn't agree he warned her she was at risk of turning into a kill joy like Nancy…"
"What did he say to make you agree?"
"Just a standard guilt trip."
The Christmas Eve party Mark had been throwing since high school was a right of passage for any member of the extended Shepherd family, and usually an annual tradition that Meredith would look forward too almost as much as Christmas Day itself. This year however she had done her best to find some way out of attending, but to no avail. There was no escaping the party, or the inevitable meeting with Derek, and there would be no Josh to use as an excuse to avoid the talk she knew he would want to finish. He had allowed her to leave the docks with little protest, but Meredith couldn't see tonight being so easy.
"Your too soft Meredith Grey."
"My liver is already protesting."
"So will your head be tomorrow. So what's it to be French toast? Pancakes? Bacon? Eggs?"
By the time Michael appeared, followed soon after by Amelia and Josh, Carolyn's undemanding companionship had managed to soothe Meredith to where she could greet Josh with at least some resemblance of a normal smile. The feeling lasted all through breakfast, to when later she emerged from the shower to find Josh waiting in the bedroom. His suitcase out open on the bed as he unsuccessfully tried to pack away the extra gifts he had brought for his own family yesterday.
"I like your family."
He greeted, pressing a kiss into her damp hair when she sat down beside the suitcase still wrapped in her towel, and took over the repacking of his case.
"Luckily so do I."
Meredith quipped, and for a moment as he basked in the glow of one of her more teasing smiles Josh allowed himself to pretend everything was normal between them, as if the past two days had simply never happened. It was almost possible to ignore the twisted knot in the pit of his stomach every time he realised that though she was there physically with him, her mind was somewhere else. When she looked at him like that there was no feeling that she was becoming further and further out of his reach, or that maybe pestering her to allow him to visit her family had set off the ending he had always dreaded would one day come.
"And they like me?"
"They do. Mom said so before breakfast."
"Your surprisingly good at this." Josh gestured to where with ease Meredith had managed to accomplish what he had been struggling with for the last twenty minutes.
"Before finally deciding to go back to Dartmouth for Med School I spent six months in Europe blowing a small dent in my inheritance. With a family this size you can imagine how many presents I brought back… I am an expert packer."
"I don't know what to ask first. About Europe? Or your hesitancy in going back to Dartmouth?"
"There's not much to tell about either really. I'm here now so it all worked out."
"Was it about your Mom? I mean your real mother not Carolyn."
"Carolyn is my Mom. Ellis was a surgeon not a Mother." Meredith said her voice full of conviction as she silently wished she had never brought up Europe. This trip was turning out fraught enough, she didn't need to mix in the memories of a dead disapproving Ellis in with it.
"I didn't mean to cause offence Mer. You just never talk about her..."
"She's dead. I was fifteen… What's more is there to say? So can we just leave it please?"
"Yeah of course."
Josh sighed moving the suitcase to the floor so he could sit down beside her, and though she lent into his embrace willingly when he wrapped his arms around her, he could feel the tension running through her whole body.
"We're okay aren't we Mer?"
He hadn't known he was going to ask the question until it was too late to take it back, and what was worse was there was no other response than the stiffening of her body. Silence reigned for the longest few seconds of his life before he pulled back to find her staring at some point behind him.
"Mer…?" Josh prompted softly and when she finally looked at him he was met with a pair of stormy green eyes.
"I just… I haven't been home in a long time. Its a lot. I feel guilty for staying away, and I want to make it up to everyone… I've missed a lot, and you have been great. Really great, and I … We are okay, we are. I just need to do this you know, the family thing..."
Meredith managed to squeeze out her suddenly dry throat, because what did you tell your boyfriend when the man you had run across the country to escape told you he loved you. How could she explain that every time she closed her eyes a vision of Derek swam there, and all she could hear was his words from the night at the docks.
She had believed Derek was using her to escape his marital problems, and never had she even dared contemplate that he might love her too. The man she had been in love with for over half her life loved her. Had been in love with her all along, whilst she had spent every day since she had left trying to forget him. There was no way to explain how ever since it had felt like she had lost the ground beneath her feet, and she had no idea what any of it meant for her, or either of them.
"Okay. So this isn't me leaving Seattle with a girlfriend, and coming back single..."
"I… No … Josh this isn't you. What's going on, it isn't about you."
"Is it about Derek?"
"What?"
"When we were out shopping yesterday Rob mentioned you and Derek had fallen out. How you were best friends, then you had a huge fight and now you barely talk…? Rob said everyone was hoping you two will make up, it was why Mark is so set on you going to the party tonight."
Josh could see the mistake he had stumbled into as he watched her completely shut down in front of his eyes.
"Rob talks too much."
"Mer maybe I could help? Give a fresh perspective…?"
"Me and Derek it's complicated… History, you know there's a lot with everyone and Derek is… Well he's Derek and I'm me so… I am going to get dressed"
Meredith trailed off and Josh watched helplessly as she grabbed up her clothing from the chair by the window and disappeared back into the bathroom. The door closing behind her with a firm click that left no doubt their conversation was over, and he wasn't getting any more from her.
It was a feeling Josh knew all too well, sometimes it felt as if the whole relationship had been spent this way, and yet for some reason he always thought one day it would get better. From the first time he had met her when she had been the Intern assigned to keep an eye on a post-op patient of his, he had been completely enthralled by Meredith Grey.
It had taken a month to convince her to go out with him, and for the first time in his life Josh had found he was the one doing all the chasing with in a relationship. Yet he had stuck it out, hoping if he could just show her how he felt she would one day trust him enough to let him in. It wasn't as if she was incapable of letting people close to her, the four other residents who she had started her internship with were famous throughout the hospital for their unusual friendship. Still no matter how hard he tried he felt like an outsider, now more than ever sat here in her family home.
He couldn't even pretend Meredith hadn't warned him of her limitations, or tried to dissuade him from wanting to take the relationship further than what they had shared originally, but he had been convinced one day she would feel the same way about him as he did her. When Meredith reappeared he knew he wasn't going to get any more from her and so he did what he always did and let it go. The past months with her had taught him the harder he pushed, the further aloof she would become.
"So I'll see you when I get home to Seattle."
"Yeah. You know if you wanted I could give you a lift to the airport?"
Meredith offered and approaching her almost as if she was a wild animal, ready to bolt at any moment Josh kissed her.
"I'll be okay. Enjoy this time with your family, tomorrow is your last full day here remember, I still have another week, and we will see each other when I'm back."
Despite how late it was Derek still found there was no need to use his key to enter Mark's apartment. The door was being opened as he approached, and stepping aside to allow a few people he recognised from the hospital to pass he greeted them with a tired smile and a
"Merry Christmas".
His original plan had been to be out of the hospital by seven, to show his face at the party before the drink really started flowing, and have the chance to see Meredith. However when an emergency had rolled into the ER just as he was finishing he had known his night would not be turning out as planned.
For the past two days he had purposefully kept away from his parents after he had allowed Meredith to leave him stood alone at the docks. Not only to give her space, but because he had no desire to watch her with another man, or have to think about the fact that if she decided he wasn't what she wanted then that would be his life from now onward's.
Instead he had spent the past two days instigating the changes to his life that he wished he had had the courage to do along time ago. There was no lying to himself or pretending otherwise because Derek knew full well if he had only followed Meredith straight away then they would be living a completely different life than this one. His only excuse was he had thought that they had time, that Meredith would take the space she wanted , and then they would work out where they went from there. He had never expected for them to end up this way.
As he made his way through the now seemingly deserted apartment Derek heard a drunken giggle he would have known anywhere. He followed the sound into the spare bedroom Mark had converted in to an office, seemingly the only room that didn't bear any visible scars from the party. Except that was for the two women sat on the floor, their backs resting against Mark's desk, a half empty bottle of tequila being passed between them.
Surprisingly enough Meredith looked the more sober of the two, and it was her who realised their party of two had been interrupted first. Unlike Amelia who called out a greeting at the sight of him stood in the doorway, Meredith stayed silent though he could feel her eyes follow his every movement as he crossed the room to them.
"So by the looks of this place I missed a good party...Where's Mark?"
"Disappeared with some skanky blonde earlier. How's your patient?"
"Hanging on. If he survives the night there's a good chance he'll make it."
"That's good."
"It is. When did Liz and Rob escape?"
"Early. Mark made a punch,"
It was the first time Meredith had spoken and Derek took the small sign of acknowledgement to join them on the floor beside her, shaking his head at the bottle she then offered to him.
"And let me guess he goaded Rob into drinking it? I'm betting Liz wasn't too impressed..."
"She was not. Mark should probably avoid her tomorrow."
"That bad?"
"He was passed out by eleven… Mark went above and beyond this year, but me and Mer were clever enough to stick to the man that never steers us wrong..."
Meredith nodded in agreement with his sisters words, and after another of the quick glances she kept throwing in Derek's direction took a long swig from the bottle, before passing it on to Amelia.
"Well as the only sober person here I would like to point out that it looks like you two have had about enough too, and this party is officially over for another year. Does either of you need a ride?"
"I'm crashing here, but big brother you can take Mer back to Mom's."
"Its fine I can get a taxi..."
Amelia opened her mouth to contradict her, and seeing the long drawn out drunken discussion that was about to take place from past experience Derek reached out and turned Meredith's head so she was looking him squarely in the eye.
"Let me take you home Mer."
Blue clashed with green. Derek could feel Amelia watching them with curious interest and as if finally noticing the scrutiny they were under Meredith nodded.
"Okay."
The drive to his parents was completed in near silence except for the radio playing Christmas carols quietly, and as he pulled into his parents street he dimmed his lights, pulling the car to a stop a few houses down the street from what had been his childhood home. He killed the engine whilst resisting the urge to activate the central locking and dropped his head back against the head rest. Intense relief washing over him when she made no move to get out of the car and disappear into the night. The stillness that followed was only interrupted by Meredith shuffling around so she was facing him, her knees drawn up on to the seat, and Derek half smiled as she stared across at him looking so young and innocent.
"We should talk…"
"We should."Derek agreed in surprise, and if he hadn't of known just how much Tequila was flowing through her blood stream he would have known then.
"You told me you loved me..."
"I do,"
"You can't."
"No, what I can't do is carry on like this. I told you the other night and I meant it, I refuse to waste any more time without you."
"We can't do that again… I cant." Meredith turned away to stare back out the window, her cheeks flushing and Derek understood immediately the conclusion she had jumped too.
"I don't want us too."
Her head swung back around to look at him so quickly he winced for her.
"But you said..."
"I know what I said… What I meant was I want us to do it properly this time. I want to date you, I want it all out in the open, I want to be with you Mer… I want to build a life with you."
"My life is in Seattle."
"I know. It's why I spoke to Richard Webber yesterday."
"What?" Utter shock was written across her face and if he didn't think it would earn him a slap he would have warned her about catching flies as her mouth continued to hang open.
"I'm an old student of his remember, and he's been chasing me since I was looking around for fellowships…I never took it too seriously before, there was never a reason to leave Manhattan until you left me here alone."
"Derek…?"
"Do you love me?"
"I'm drunk..."
"Meredith," His voice was filled with amusement, a smile playing around his lips"Do you love Josh then?"
"I should. I wish I could. I have spent everyday for the past year wishing I could, because he's perfect for me, and if you didn't exist I probably would, and all I am going to do is hurt him, and that is the last thing I want to do…"
Her ramble slowly faded out, and Derek nodded a sudden serious expression replacing the amusement from moments ago.
"If I was a better guy I would walk away, I would tell you in time we can be friends, that one day I will be able to be your pseudo brother again… But I'm not that guy Mer, and I don't want to be the guy who has to learn how to live without you any more, I cant do it. I'm miserable without you."
"This is so ridiculous… Derek you cannot pick up your whole life and move across the country to a hospital you have never even seen before and especially not for me."
"I can. Mer, don't you see this is it for me, you are it. "
"And what if we don't work? Walking away from you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do… I don't know if I can do that again."
"Then don't. I love you, we can make it work Mer I know we can. Just think about it okay, I told Richard I would fly out next week to have a look around, consult on a case he has … I'm not asking for you to make a decision now, I'm just asking for a chance…."
"I don't… I mean how does that even work? If you follow me everyone will know Derek… Josh is there too..."
"I don't care who knows Mer. I love you…"
"Stop saying that. I cant think when you say that, and when you look at me like that."
"Like what?"
"Like that." Meredith accused, her hand gesturing wildly, narrowly missing his face and Derek found he couldn't hold in his laughter.
"I've missed drunk Meredith. She's a lot easier to talk too."
"None of this makes sense Derek…"
"It will, most probably when your sober... Look Mer we'll figure it out. One step at a time. But first there is something I have been waiting so long to do.."
Meredith stared helplessly at him and leaning over Derek cupped her cheek, his thumb stroking her face, a smile still playing on his lips as he closed the distance between them to brush a feather light kiss over her lips only to pull away again almost immediately.
"Merry Christmas Meredith."
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