~What Am I Feeling?~
~Chapter 13- Broken Promises~
Scorpius woke up next to three empty beds, but thankfully for him, this time he had woken up ready for school. He stretched himself out in his bed, his arms above his head, flexing his back.
He stared at the wall for a while, the events of the last few days lolling over in his mind. He thought of Chris and how lovely he was, he thought of the new aspect of his power and how careful he would have to be to control it. He thought of his sexuality, and then of Albus. Mostly of Albus.
They had spent the whole day on Sunday together, just the two of them. They felt young again, like in the early days of their friendship when they would sit together and do nothing but giggle and joke. Albus had abruptly said to in the morning that they were going to be together on Sunday, only them. To think that Albus was putting him first before Danielle was, made Scorpius oddly happy.
Scorpius had insisted they study, as he had missed out the day before, so they had tried. They sat there, exchanging notes for some time, but when Albus started joking and Scorpius got the giggles, there was no chance of getting any serious revision done. They laughed and chatted all day; Albus did make a few jokes about Chris, but Scorpius just scolded him light-heartedly.
Yet, there was something different there. It was like a spark had ignited between them. It was as if they realised that time with Chris and Danielle was no where near as fun nor perfect as it was with each other. From the moment they met, they had been so comfortable with each other and just clicked. Their relationship had never been strained, it was always as easy as breathing. They found each other's presence comforting.
But this time… both boys knew there was something else there. When they exchanged their little touches as they would always do, waves of heat would rush through their bodies. Scorpius was blushing much more than he usually did at the things he never would before. He would blush under Albus' gaze which would always be long and lingering. Albus would always compliment him, he hadn't done so for a few years so excessively. He had held Scorpius' hand a few times and yet again Scorpius admired how well their hands fit together. Even Albus had suddenly noticed that holding Scorpius' hand was much more comfortable, and no where near as awkward as holding Danielle's hand.
Scorpius exhaled as he dragged himself out of bed. He glanced over at his side table and spotted a piece of parchment, recognising the hand-writing immediately.
Hey Scor,
You know I had a great day yesterday. Teasing you is so much fun. I've gone down to breakfast and need to see the Ravenclaw Team for a quick meeting. Will see you in Divination probably, if you get your bum out of bed that is.
Al
Scorpius shook his head with a roll of the eyes. Soon, Scorpius changed into his smart uniform and headed down to the common room. A few students were still down there and he earned a few stares. He guessed the news had travelled about him and Chris… he tried to ignore it though.
Scorpius opened the door to the common room and was ready to make his trip down the stairs of the Ravenclaw Tower, but he was surprised to see Chris standing there, grinning widely at him.
"Uh, hi Chris." Scorpius said awkwardly, gaping at the older boy.
"Hey," Chris stepped forward and planted a quick kiss on Scorpius' cheek, "You get up so late."
"I like to sleep. Albus says that I stay in bed as late as I possibly can," Scorpius was quick to defend himself, "But really, I don't see the point of getting up any earlier. It means you've slept longer and you're less tired."
Chris chuckled, knowing he was defeated before they had even started, "How are you?"
"Good I guess," Scorpius shrugged, "I mean, I still don't understand what happened the other day with James, so that's been playing on my mind a bit. But… how are you?"
"I'm fine thank you, should we go?" Scorpius nodded and they started down the stairs, walking side by side, "What did you do yesterday?"
"Me and Al tr- me and Albus tried," The blonde corrected himself, "To do some studying."
"Ah, sorry for making you miss out on your study time on Saturday."
"It's okay…"
The two had breakfast together, talking again briefly. They endured a few whispers and stares, Scorpius feeling slightly embarrassed as they only intensified but he didn't want to care what others think. He knew he should be proud of who he is, and proud that he's with Chris.
He didn't know where this was going at the moment. Chris obviously liked him in a romantic way. Scorpius also liked Chris, but he still wasn't sure in which way it was. He would let it run it's course. It would most likely be Chris who would be the one to sort out where they were at.
"Should I walk you to class?" Chris asked sweetly, offering Scorpius a gentle smile.
"Oh… I have Divination so it's probably a bit off route for you… it's okay, I'll go there myself thanks."
"I have a free period, Scorpius," Chris sniggered, "Come on, I'll walk you to class."
The journey to Divination was significantly more awkward than their past encounters. Normally it was Chris who started the good conversations but he was being suddenly quiet, so Scorpius felt like he was the one who was supposed to start talking.
"Um… What lesson do you have after free period?" Scorpius questioned hesitantly.
"Transfiguration. God I hate Transfiguration." Chris huffed, crossing his arms.
As they reached the Divination classroom, they stood outside, classmates proceeding into the room, watching them as they passed.
Chris bent down and kissed Scorpius' forehead lightly, smiling softly at the younger boy. Scorpius blushed, but the difference with the blush that Albus' caused and the one Chris caused, was that when Scor blushed around Al it was part of the nature of their relationship and it did feel ordinary, so ordinary and natural that Scorpius didn't even notice it most the time, just when Albus pointed it out. The blush which graced Scorpius' cheeks when Chris was around was just out of pure embarrassment.
"Hey," Chris raised his hand to cup Scorpius' cheek and strokes his skin tenderly, "I was thinking… you know, seeing as I like you and you like me… maybe we could just make it official?"
Scorpius frowned, "Make what 'official'?"
"Us. This," Chris mumbled hesitantly, "I guess what I was trying to say is… if you'll be my boyfriend?"
Scorpius' lips parted. So this was where their relationship was moving onto… It was so fast. Yet Scorpius didn't see any reason not to be with Chris at this point in time. You never know, Chris may even be the one for Scorpius. Scorpius rolled onto the balls of his feet and pressed a quick kiss to Chris' cheek, "Um, okay then... I think I would like that…"
Chris positively beamed, throwing his arms around Scorpius and embracing the blonde securely. Just that moment, Albus trotted up the stairs, only to see Chris and his Scor hugging.
Albus glared at the two, particulary at Chris' back and Scorpius pulled away at the sight of Albus.
Scorpius, as if to distract Chris spoke carefully, "We can see each other at lunch, can't we?"
"I would love that."
"Okay… see you later Chris."
Christopher was still grinning like an idiot when he turned away and passed Albus. He was almost too happy to notice the other boy.
"What was that about?" Albus questioned in a cold manner.
"Nothing… I-I'll tell you in class."
The boys went and took their seats next to each other in Divination, as they always did in subjects which you require a partner.
Professor Trelawney was an old, and as their fathers told them, more than often, an inaccurate seer. As always, the class fell into their own conversations while she droned on about palm reading.
Albus raised his eyebrows across the table at his friend, "So?"
Scorpius sighed, "So… me and Chris are… o-officially seeing each other."
"Scor, you hardly know the guy! This is ridiculous!" He exclaimed, yet in a hushed tone so only Scor was the one able to hear him.
"I want to get to know him…" Scorpius muttered, lowering his head in an almost shameful way.
"Go on dates for that! Hang out! You don't need to go exclusive yet."
"Why can't I be with someone? Why can you be with someone else and I can't?" Scorpius whispered harshly.
"Boys! Read each other's palms! Dip further into the Noble Art of Divination!" Professor Trelawney yelled at them, waving her arms around.
Albus groaned and held out his hand, "Give." Scorpius understood the message instantly and handed over his hand, "I don't know anymore Scorpius. I-I guess I'm probably a bit scared that we're growing apart, which we are and it should be good but… I just don't want to lose you in any way. You're one of the most precious things to me," Albus traced the lines on Scorpius' hand, his eyes fixed on Scorpius' palm. Scorpius watched Albus with curious, intent eyes as he spoke, "I know I should just accept it so we can move on, but I can't."
"Al… this is part of growing up," Scorpius spoke softly, "We will grow apart. That's part of life. We're two separate people. I will always love you. You will always be my best friend, but we're different, in so many ways."
"But I don't want to let go!" Albus protested, "I don't want to grow up if it means growing further away from you. I just don't want that. What we have is special… it's sacred. We should hold onto it forever."
"You cannot hold onto everything forever, Al. That's not the way it works. People, spread their wings and fly away from each other. No matter how much they grasp onto one another, your wings will take you away."
"I always believe, if you hold on tight enough, you never have to let anything go," Albus grinned confidently all of a suddenly, "And I'm going to hold onto you for the rest of my life. Because I honestly feel like you're a part of me Scorpius. Because we may fly away from each other as much as possible, even if we're at opposite sides of the world, if the other is still in here," Albus placed his other hand other his heart delicately while he stared into Scorpius' silver orbs, "You never let it go."
"I don't know Al…" Scorpius knew that for once, Albus had won that argument. He knew he was right and there was something about the way Albus and him always worked, that would always bring them back together. His heart was beating fast because of Albus' words. They were so sweet… so passionate. Scorpius couldn't possibly challenge them at this point.
"Scor… what am I feeling now?" Albus' broken voice croaked, "What am I feeling… for you?"
"I-I'm not taking the necklace off now, Al." Scorpius muttered, shaking his head to himself.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm scared…"
"Scared of what?"
"Scared of what you're feeling for me…" Scorpius admitted, "Scared of what I'm feeling for you…"
"I know I'm jealous," Albus said with certainty, squeezing Scorpius' hand for support, "I'm jealous of Chris. Because he gets to spend time with you. Because he's important to you and I was always the one who was the most important to you. Maybe that's selfish… extremely selfish, but it's just how I am about you. I want to be with you- I mean not in the way Chris is with you!" Albus said panicked, releasing Scorpius' hand to wave his arms about frantically. Scorpius couldn't help but chuckle at that, "I mean, not in that way… I don't think of you in that way," Scorpius felt a wave of disappointment but brushed it off immediately. Unfortunately for Scorpius he didn't listen when Albus added a whispered, "I don't… think so… anyway."
"Did you ever think that maybe you're just being… really over-protective?"
"Maybe… I don't know."
"Al, I don't even know what I'm feeling at the moment either," Scorpius nibbled on his lower lip, "Everything is just so… so confusing for me right now. I don't know what I'm feeling, let alone what you're feeling. When I do… I promise, we'll talk about it again." Scorpius didn't mention the fact that he was also jealous of Danielle. It was part of the game. Scorpius knew Albus had told him that, hoping to get the same confession out of Scorpius. The truth was, neither of the boys really did know exactly what they were feeling. Or maybe, they didn't want to know and dismissed it. They were two extremely clever boys; though whatever they had that was growing and growing between them, well they just didn't want to find out at this point.
"Okay… just never leave me, okay Scor? Even though you're with Chris now and I'm with Danielle… you promise me that you'll never leave me?" Albus pleaded, his voice firm as if it were almost an order.
Scorpius blinked, reaching forward to slide his hand into Albus' again because that was just what felt right, "I promise."
~X~
The lesson had gone on and they had interacted as they normally did. However like yesterday, they were extremely aware of every single action the other performed. They watched each other like hawks, trying to see if their friend would give anything away about their feelings. What this was between them; this game, this interrogation almost, neither knew.
As they were descending the stairs, heading to their next class Herbology, Albus suddenly stopped Scor. He dragged him to the side of the stairs, ending up with Scorpius' back pressed against the wall.
Albus' hand was by the side of Scorpius' head, their faces' only inches apart from one another. Scorpius could feel Albus' warm breath against his lips; it reminded him of just before Chris had kissed him the other day. Was Albus going to kiss him…?
"Hey… I was thinking…" Albus' lip quirked into a smirk and he leaned his face closer, their noses almost touching. Scorpius couldn't help but shiver in anticipation, licking his own lips. He felt the need to bring Albus' head down and crush their lips together but he waited. Waited for Albus, "You know what you did the other day…? With your power? I was thinking… maybe we could test it…?" Albus pulled his head back again, grinning at the younger boy, "So we can understand it better and then you can know how to control it and everything."
Scorpius felt disappointed when Albus' lips pulled away, the unspoken promise of a kiss abandoned. Scorpius found himself desiring it, so curious to know exactly how Albus' soft lips would feel against his. He wanted to know whether it would feel right and most importantly did Albus want it just as much as him.
And that was when he realised. That was when Scorpius realised what he knew all along deep down. That was when he finally admitted to himself, what this feeling was.
He liked Al.
He liked Albus, no longer just in a friendship way, but also in a romantic way. He wanted to do all the things couples did with Albus. He realised why he found Albus so beautiful and why he had those dreams of them making love, kissing, holding hands. He could no longer deny that it was most definitely Albus in those dreams, Albus that he desired to be with in that way.
He understood why he had never been jealous when Albus had made other friends, in fact, normally quite happy for him. But he also understood why he was so jealous of Danielle… because she was the one who would get to be with Albus romantically. She was the one who would get to do all the things couples did with his Albus. She was the one who had stolen Albus' heart, not Scorpius, Danielle. And he wanted so much to be in her position.
Scorpius then thought of Chris. Dear Chris. He realised that Chris was just a pawn in this game. He realised that all this time he had tricked himself into having feelings for Chris when really, the extent of it was probably that he just wanted to be friends with Chris. He realised that the reason he was with Chris, was to flaunt it in front of Albus. To make Albus jealous as well. And he had succeeded.
Chris was lovely. He was a genuinely lovely person. He was kind, caring and trustworthy, everything a person should look for in a partner.
But there was a problem: He wasn't Albus.
Al was the person he had always felt most comfortable with, ever since they had met. He felt more comforted in the presence of Albus Severus Potter than he had done with his own parents. Albus was bubbly, always had a bright thing to say. His take on the world was amazing. He loved listening to Albus' stories and past experiences. He loved the way they had shaped Albus to be the person he was today. He loved it when he and Albus argued, not even argued, discussed intellectual topics and although Scorpius always won with a logical deem on it all, Albus would really have had the more interesting view, a more emotions driven view.
Scorpius loved it when Albus teased him, which was quite often really. He loved how Albus could grate on him and taunt him endlessly, yet they still ended up embracing in the end or laughing uncontrollably. Scorpius never took offence. He loved their playful banter. He loved how after a conversation, they nearly always ended up in each other's arms, the place Scorpius liked to be best. He loved how he could spill his heart out to Albus and although sometimes he knew Albus was wrong, he seemed to always have the right answer.
In that moment, so many thoughts had rushed through his head about his friend. He looked into those emerald eyes and he knew then. He knew what he had been trying to avoid for so long now.
The sudden thought of what he should do ran through his head. Did he continue to date Chris even though he knew he had strong feelings for Albus? Did Albus… feel the same way?
If he did… then Scorpius could continue to see Chris, continue with that relationship to make Albus more jealous. Maybe eventually, like Scorpius he would realise what he felt and then they could officially be together. Or if Albus didn't like him and he continued to be with Chris, at least then Scorpius was with another who could comfort him and maybe he could have the chance to feel the same way for Chris.
He couldn't just tell Albus. For one, he was afraid of being rejected because Albus didn't feel the same way. That would be… heartbreaking and not to mention it could completely ruin their relationship. And secondly he was with Danielle and maybe Albus would not want to hurt her feelings. He knew that he wouldn't want to hurt Chris' feelings.
He had to let it run it's course. He had to break the promise to tell Albus when he realised what he was feeling. He couldn't. Not yet.
"Yeah… I-I think that's a good idea," Scorpius whispered, shaking from his sudden revelation, "But how?"
"I don't know, well you could try to make me feel something you know? Maybe it would work. We might as well try," Albus shrugged and grinned, "I could be your own personal guinea pig."
"Okay… okay, yeah," Scorpius nodded, a small smile spreading across his face, "Let's do it."
~X~
Wooo, so that chapter was mostly dialogue and lots revelations. Yeah, I wasn't actually planning on having Scorpius realise his feelings quite yet, there was still a few more chapters to go, but I realised while writing it that it fitted so much better here.
I absolutely loved writing this chapter! I mean, I know it wasn't very dramatic or anything but I think that's why I liked it. It was quite understated and I particularly loved writing the conversation between Scor and Al because it was so sweet and nice to dig deeper into Al's feelings as well. When I came to writing it I was thinking oh no, this is going to be a complete drag to write. But then I started typing and it was all fine. I really did enjoy it.
So it is quite a significant chapter really. Scor and Chris are officially dating, we'll see what becomes of that. Albus really talks to Scor about how confused he is and we all know why ;) And Scor realises that he likes Al in a romantic way. I didn't think this chapter would actually be that important, but you never know.
I've also planned a lot more of the story this week after school and stuff. It's easier to get going on the story plan than on the story itself really. Though, I never do quite still to the story plan :D
If you have any comments about this chapter, please review or message me. Always love feedback!
Thank you to drumline, Pasdoll and C8ecat for reviewing the last chapter!
Next chapter:: As the two boys launch into their new plan of action, will it fail or will it succeed?