~What Am I Feeling?~
~Chapter 15- Physically, Mentally, Emotionally~
Weeks went by and more meetings in the Room of Requirement occurred. Albus and Scorpius met almost everyday to test his power. They would spend about fifteen to twenty minutes, sitting, staring into each other's eyes, into each other's hearts. They didn't understand why they enjoyed the feeling of just looking at each other so much, trying to understand each other's emotions and actions of the past few weeks.
After their silence, they would spend half their evenings in the Room of Requirement, much like they had that day after Hogsmeade. Laughing, joking, just enjoying each other's company more than they did any other person on the earth. Albus would softly touch or subtly compliment Scor and Scor would blush in return. But the fact that they were both so aware of every touch, every compliment was what made their time together different.
They were flirting. They both knew it. They both liked it. And both did nothing to stop it.
The more time they spent with each other, meant the less time they spent with Chris and Danielle.
Really, Al was with Danielle more than Scorpius was with Chris, but that was just because they were in the same year and therefore, in some of the same classes. However Scorpius did put the effort in to see Chris. He would meet with him every lunch time and after school they would eat dinner together and maybe go for a walk around the grounds. He had become completely comfortable with his sexuality in the past few weeks and wasn't scared of showing it anymore. Today, Scorpius had planned to meet Chris at the library; Chris was going to help him study. Scorpius did like Chris and being around him… just not as much as he liked spending time with Al.
Albus and Danielle were another matter completely. Really, dating hadn't cracked up to be for Albus. Danielle was nice and pretty and on the outside, they made a good couple… but Albus thought that maybe he didn't like her as much as he thought. Sure, he was attracted to her. But actually liked her? He wasn't so sure. He never wanted to spend time with her. Being with her was boring. Never nearly as much fun as being with Scor and having their conversations which almost always contained the most interesting topics and how comfortable he was with Scorpius. How he could tell Scorpius anything and trust him wholly with it. How he could tease Scorpius endlessly, enjoy it so much and know none of it would ever be taken to heart because Scorpius accepted that it was the way Albus was.
Scorpius was sitting in the library, his legs crossed as he was comfortably curled up on the big armchair. He was scanning his Herbology book, taking a few notes when thought necessary.
He awaited Chris, who was going come slightly later than expected. Chris had offered to help Scorpius study and the younger boy didn't feel he could say no. He knew he was probably more… intelligent than Chris, even though he would never admit that out loud, and really, he worked better on his own. But when Chris had asked him… Al snapped, insisting that he and Scorpius already had plans to revise. Scorpius wanted to continue their game of jealousy and told Chris he would love it if he helped him with his work. Albus had been quite annoyed about that.
Scorpius was playing with the feather on his quill as he studied a diagram in the book when he heard muffle voices on the other side of the bookcase to him.
"I don't understand you, Albus!"
The blonde recognised the voice as Danielle's and her whispers were harsh and piercing. His curiosity peaked to an all time high. For a moment he thought he shouldn't be listening; it was Albus and Danielle's problem, it was there business entirely and had nothing to do with him whatsoever. ut Scorpius' better judgement was thrown out the window. He was going to be nosy and listen. He was too curious to resist.
"What do you mean you don't understand me?" Albus' voice muttered harshly back, "We haven't been going out that long! We're supposed to learn to understand each other!"
Scorpius pulled a book out the shelf, a small hole appearing so he could see the couple as they moved back and forth, almost pacing. Danielle let out a sigh, "I just mean you spend all your time with Scorpius when we're supposed to be dating."
Scorpius flinched at the mention of his own name, "Scorpius is my best friend." Albus said firmly, standing right in front of the gap with crossed arms.
"Yes, but you've known him for years. Our relationship is new and we should be getting to know each other and exploring it," Danielle said, trying to sound as clever as possible.
"Scorpius… Scorpius is going through a hard time at the moment," Albus said softly, leaning up against a table, "I want to help him through it as much as I can."
"What, because he's come out?" Danielle spat.
"Yes, because he came out," Al challenged, not appreciating his girlfriend's tone whatsoever towards his friend, "And there's something else but I can't tell you that. He needs my support and I'll support him as much as I can."
"Maybe… maybe we should…" Danielle hesitated, Scorpius only able to see Albus waiting for her, "Maybe we should have sex…" She said in a hushed voice.
Both Albus and Scorpius gasped slightly. She wanted… Albus had never had sex before. He was a virgin and wasn't sure whether he was ready to do it yet… especially with Danielle. He just imagined his first time to be the most special thing ever, where he was in love and trusted that person more than anything. He wasn't sure whether he had that with Danielle yet, "Uh… don't you think it's a little early for that?"
"Other couples do it on their first week sometimes," She said timidly, moving forward so she was pressed up against Albus and Scorpius now got a view of her, "I just thought that would be what you want. It would… make us closer and everything."
Albus knew he had to make more of an effort with Danielle, he knew he had to try and be closer to them. He wanted to make this work. He… could eventually love Danielle right? Maybe they needed to make that step, "I don't know… I'll think about it…"
"How about we go to sit in the Court Yard, hm?" She wrapped her arms around his neck, pushing her breasts into Albus' chest and making Scorpius cringe.
Albus nodded, turning his head away, suddenly uncomfortable by the sudden position, "Let's go."
As the couple walked away, Scorpius jumped out his chair and peeped out behind the bookcase, watching them with their hands intertwined and smiles on their faces.
The Ravenclaw rested his forehead against the shelf, puffing his cheeks out and slowly letting the air release from his lips. If Albus had sex with Danielle… he didn't think he could stand it. The thought of Albus being so intimate with someone else… killed him. It ripped his heart to shreds and stomped on the remains repeatedly. But hopefully… Scorpius would never be put in that situation.
"Scorpius?"
The younger boy's head whipped around, slightly startled. Chris stood there, his head tilted to the side. He knew Scorpius was listening to Albus and Danielle. He had seen them, he had seen him. But… what had they said that made him react like this?
"Oh, h-hi." Scorpius said, trying to recover as soon as possible from Al and his girlfriend's conversation.
Chris placed a hand at the back of Scorpius' head, pulling him towards him to place a warm kiss on his boyfriend's forehead, "Everything okay?"
Scorpius leant his back against the surface, smiling softly, "Yeah… I'm fine thanks… you?"
"Great thanks… do you want to get started on the studying?" Chris beamed, wrapping an arm around the smaller boy's shoulders.
Scorpius sunk into Chris' embrace, "Okay…"
The couple spent the next hour struggling through revision. It turned out, Chris had forgotten most of last year's Herbology curriculum and not to mention the fact he realised quite how clever Scorpius was and did not need his help in any way. It was almost embarrassing, if Scorpius had not said how funny it was.
They decided to give up on studying now (Though that meant it was playing on Scorpius' mind about when he was going to have to revise next) and instead, they took a walk around the grounds, the way they liked to do often.
Scorpius attentively slipped his arm around Chris' waist while Chris' was casually draped around Scorpius' thin shoulders. Scorpius let his head drop onto Chris' shoulder as he thought of the previous conversation he had eavesdropped on. In some ways he was glad… he was obviously causing some tension between the couple so that was something to be happy for. And Albus didn't look quite comfortable with Danielle. It was not like when they were together…
"What Quidditch team do you support?" Chris asked, nuzzling his nose into Scorpius' hair.
"U-uh…" Scorpius suddenly tensed, "I-I don't really watch Quidditch…"
"Really?" Chris exclaimed in surprise, "But… everyone loves Quidditch! If they don't play it, they watch it!"
"I don't see the appeal in it myself, but other people like it for the thrill I guess. But it just doesn't interest me in particular. It's not my type of thing."
Chris chuckled, "You're an odd one, you are."
Just as Scorpius blushed in embarrassment, a blonde head came bobbing towards them while dragging along a taller boy. He cringed at the sight of Louis. As much as he liked Louis, he knew he would just try to stir something up.
"Aaah, Scorpius!" Louis yelled, launching himself clumsily at the younger boy, arms flinging around Scorpius' neck, "Just the person I was looking for! I need to talk to you urgently!"
Scorpius huffed, "Oh God…"
"Chris!" Scorpius cried out extravagantly, a look of sheer surprise darting across his face, "Why don't you speak to Martino. I'm sure you can both find something to talk about while I speak to your lovely boyfriend!"
"Uh, sure," Chris shrugged with a startled smile, "I'll see you in a minute, Scorpius."
Martino rolled his eyes at his lover dragged the young Ravenclaw over towards a bench next to the lake. Martino sparked a conversation with Chris, strolling off with the other sixth year.
Louis linked arms with Scorpius as he sat the Malfoy down at the bench.
"What's this about?" Scorpius groaned, throwing his head back and letting it flop side to side.
"It's about you… and Albus." Louis said firmly with a stern look upon his face.
Scorpius gaped faintly, knowing what Louis was insinuating but hoping, just hoping that he was wrong, "W-what about me and Albus?"
"Don't play dumb with me, Mister," Louis held a finger out, the tip nearly touching Scorpius' nose, "You know exactly what I'm talking about. You've been googly eyes around Albus for months. Don't think I haven't noticed," Louis' voice softened, "I mean, honestly, when you told me that you were gay, I thought it was because you realised you fancied Albus all this time."
"N-nothing is going on between me and Albus!" Scorpius protested almost instantly, "He's my friend. My best friend."
"Look, just because nothing's going on between you physically, and no, for once I don't mean that in a sexual way; and maybe there's nothing even going on mentally, but emotionally… there's definitely something there."
Scorpius sighed, "You think I have feelings for Albus."
"I know you have feelings for Albus." Louis brushed a few locks out of Scorpius' guilty looking face.
Scorpius stared at his lap, rosy cheeks and teary eyes to hide, "I do feel something for him. I think I've probably just felt something for him for a long time, just never realised. Or never wanted to admit it to myself," Scorpius turned his head to stare at the slow ripples swelling over the lake, "Is it really that obvious?"
"Not really, just to me," Louis tipped his face to the sky, "I think it's because I know you and Albus well and I know your relationship and how close you are. I saw a change in the way you looked and acted around each other and I was able to assume what that change was. I also know what it's like to be in love with someone and I know the little looks I gave and still give Martino. I recognised that too."
"W-wait, wait…" Scorpius stared Louis down, pausing, then scrunching his eyes together, "In love? I never said I was in love with Albus…"
Louis sniggered, shaking his head, "Oh honey, I thought you knew that. If you don't love Albus, I'll eat my foot."
"I… I just thought I liked him."
"No, you like Chris," Louis boldly said to drum it into his head, "You do like Chris. Maybe in a romantic way, maybe not, but you love Albus. And that's the difference!"
"No…" Scorpius muttered, mostly to himself, "I've always loved Albus in the way I love a friend… the way I would love a brother… never like that. Never. I just thought it may be a little crush, is all."
"Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy, you listen to me," Louis harshly said, yet in a sort of motherly way too, "There is no way that you could look at him the way you do, and not love him romantically."
They both fell into silence and Scorpius let it all process in his head. Love…? In love…? With Albus…? His mind was boggled right now.
"You shouldn't lead Chris on." Louis mumbled, playing with the cuff on his shirt.
"I don't know what else to do, Louis. Albus doesn't like me that way so really, all I should do is forget
about it. Yet I know how jealous he gets when I'm with Chris and there's that selfish part of me which desires that feeling that… Albus may want me in some way, and that's why he's getting jealous. Maybe… it's just hope," Scorpius admitted openly, "I don't know… I like Chris, I do! But it's like… always at the back of my head… Albus is there. My thoughts always return to him… it's like in my heart, Albus is there, controlling it. I just don't know Louis."
"Talk of the heart, Scorpius. You know what that means."
"It can't be love! Just an infatuation!" Tears emerged in Scorpius' eyes as he desperately tried to control his emotions, "Albus is all I've ever known, the person I've always been closest to! That's why I feel like this! It's just my mind! It's all in my mind!"
"Scorpius," Louis pulled Scorpius towards him to allow him to cry into his shoulder, "Sh, darling. It's not in your mind… it's in your heart and no matter what your mind and body does, it cannot control the heart and who the heart falls for. And when it does fall for someone… it can be absolutely beautiful."
"Al would never feel the same way." Scorpius blubbered into Louis' shoulder.
"Scorp… you do realise, that Albus looks at you in exactly the way you look at him," Louis said with a small smile, "You don't know it, because you're so used to it, but he looks at you with the love and adoration… that Martino looks at me and I look at Martino," It was Louis' turn to blush but at his own words, "With Chris and Danielle… you both like them, you do, but your feelings for each other are so much more intense. There's a reason you both get jealous when looking at the other with someone else, there's a reason you get on so well. And… the sooner you both realise what that is exactly, the better."
Scorpius thought of Albus and how they interacted. They had always been touchy feely with each other, hugging and holding hands. Though recently… those touches had lingered, not wanting them to end nor the other to leave.
From the beginning, he and Albus had got on better than anyone could have imagined. Their first meeting went so smoothly and their personalities fit so well. But maybe there was more to their personalities fitting like that because they were going to be friends… maybe it was because, even then, they had the potential of falling in love. And once they reached their teenage years, once they reached an age where falling in love was eventually inevitable, only then was when they would realise what they truly had. What they were truly destined for.
The only problem was that admitting to yourself that you are gay is hard. Admitting to yourself that you have romantic feelings for your male best friend who you are so close to is harder. But even harder than that, was admitting to yourself that you were completely and unconditionally in love with your best friend.
"I don't know what to do, Louis." Scorpius whispered, again diverting his gaze to the glistening reflections lake's surface.
"I just… you can't tell Albus at the moment because he hasn't realised himself but I just don't think you can lead Chris on like this, Scorpius," Louis frowned, "It's not fair to him. He's a nice guy."
"I think that's why I want to stay with him. It's comforting because in a relationship when the person you like is with another. I think I need him right now. It's selfish, I know, very selfish indeed, it's just I need to do this. For myself."
"Not just that, he makes Albus jealous. Because Albus wants to be the one in his place."
"I guess…"
Louis smirked, "It's times like this when we see your Slytherin side."
"And then if Albus doesn't have feelings for me, at least I will have Chris."
"Scorpius… you must do what you feel is right," Louis shrugged, "I've probably got even more involved in this than I ever should have. You must do what you think is right and what is right for the people you love."
"Maybe this way… when Albus breaks my heart, I'll have the chance to fall in love with Chris."
~X~
A/N: Soooo, yet another appearance from Louis. I just looked through my story plan and it turns out Louis and Martino are not going to make an important appearance for quite a while now :( I'm sure I'll find some way of slipping them in.
Even though Louis and Scorpius have not been very close for that long, I think this chapter really builds up an extra sense of trust and understanding, only developing further from the 'coming out' chapter. I think it's important for Scorpius to have someone like Louis who he can confide in because I think that somehow he's ended up in the worse position than Al.
I've also been trying to build up this sense of change of Al and Scor's relationship. They always talk about the fond touches and things like that, but I hope those few paragraphs towards the end of the story really explain why their relationship has changed and what it has changed into.
If any of you read my Snapshots extra story, you would know that Louis already deduced that there was something going on between Scor and Al. The first chapter of Snapshots was rated M and I wasn't even planning on that! I think I got a bit carried away with the knowledge that I could write it as dirty as I wanted. So yeah, if you haven't read, first chapter's up though it may not be updated for a while!
Thank you to Lizzy0308, Pasdoll, C8ecat and loveofwrittenword for reviewing the last chapter! Much appreciated as always!
Next chapter:: Albus' jealousy peaks an all time high when he catches Scorpius and Chris in an intimate situation. But will he turn their little game of jealousy back around in his favour?